Just a question: What makes a person go after a taken man/woman?

[skywriter]

I thought I had the power to control what was going to happen, thought I had a handle on it. I was naive, she was in the same boat as I. At times it seemed the world was pushing us together, I can't explain that without giving TMI. In the end we both made the conscious decision to move forward. I think that's the way with a lot of EAs; you build a connection that's a friendship, it matures as you get to know each other better, feelings of caring and concern for the others well being develop, you don't anticipate it but I also believe I could have stopped it but I chose not to. The real tell tale sign is the very intense desire to be in constant communication that forms. Over a three year period it went from once every few weeks, to once a week, to once a day, to eventually what seemed like every minute; text, email, IM, etc... was crazy. Now I'm back to once every five months or so, or never on my current course.

 

 

 

Thank you for articulating that so well Circular.

 

In my A, it was very gradual, because I initially didn't want anything to do with the MM.

 

He just kept showing up and making conversation, helping my son with vehicles, helping around the house. He built up a trust.

 

Then he called often, and kept the conversation going.

 

I was alone after my H left for nearly six years. Just me and my two kids.

 

This was the first person ,that I eventually, allowed to get close to me.

[woinlove]

I thought I had the power to control what was going to happen, thought I had a handle on it. I was naive, she was in the same boat as I. At times it seemed the world was pushing us together, I can't explain that without giving TMI. In the end we both made the conscious decision to move forward. I think that's the way with a lot of EAs; you build a connection that's a friendship, it matures as you get to know each other better, feelings of caring and concern for the others well being develop, you don't anticipate it but I also believe I could have stopped it but I chose not to. The real tell tale sign is the very intense desire to be in constant communication that forms. Over a three year period it went from once every few weeks, to once a week, to once a day, to eventually what seemed like every minute; text, email, IM, etc... was crazy. Now I'm back to once every five months or so, or never on my current course.

 

This all makes sense to me. I understand how difficult it can be to pull back. At the earlier stages, one might feel it isn't a problem and at the later stages, one is already so invested. I also understand that many, many times a day is a mode which can make one feel a bit possessed or "crazy".

 

I think the bolded is key as it shows that, even knowing how difficult it is, you are aware that you ultimately do control your own behavior and actions (obviously, I am talking about sane people and not those with a medical disorder which robs them of free will or conscious action). Some posters on some threads seem to suggest they had no such control or choice which suggests to me that they are not looking critically at all the stages they went through.

[skywriter]

Very true woinlove, we do indeed make a choice.

[TudorII]

It is always a choice to engage or not and even how far you are willing to engage. What is not in your control is the natural instincts that rise up from the attention or attraction. We are not hard wired to be faithful or be with just one, it is a choice whether it was how you were raised, relegion, preference, etc.

 

More often than I not I think married people find themselves questioning the choice they made because they are not totally happy in their marriage. When you make the commitment to foresake all others you hope that you will get everything out of the marriage that you gave up the rest for. When married people find something is lacking or missing, it makes them vulnerable to missing it or craving it, especially if it is important to them. Well guess what most unsatisfied people tend to voice as much. Just visit tripadvisor, more people want to tell you about a bad trip than a good one or complain more often than praise.

 

Some single people may target this vulnerable situation because they get to hear first hand what is missing and what this married persons needs to be happy. They fill that void and all the sudden married person feels better and fullfilled and willing to do things to hold onto to that feeling that they never thought they would do. When both are married they find comfort in the fact maybe knowing they are not alone in being unhappy, neither wants to leave their marriage however. But the attention feels good, the void being filled feels good. From there the decision to be faithful becomes a more difficult choice of knowing you can feel that happy or going back to the less than perfect message. The thoughts of no one will know and you only live once so why not get all you can out of life while you can begin to creep in. It becomes a matter of what you can live with because you are assuming no one else will know and no will get hurt. That is the pivital point, if you decide it is easier to live with your indescretions vs being in an unhappy marriage then the affair takes off.

 

It doesn't matterif if the sex is lacking, the conversation missing, the emotional connection, attraction not what it was....there are all kinds of reasons why someone's eye may wonder. And again it is more natural instinct for it to wonder than force yourself to not let it. Even if you were lied to at first or played, once you do know, you have a choice, if you know and proceed it is a choice. Each person choice is different than the next and what motivated that choice is not a one size fits all because it is such a personal matter of what that person can live with. To the OP, keep that in mind, you could get hundreds of anwers to the same question because of this.

[skywriter]

Wow, TudorII !!

 

Very informative post, thanks!

[TudorII]

I might also add that a married person is more likely to cheat with a married person (IMO) because the risk is mutual. There is something strangely comforting knowing they are taking the same risk. They won't tell because they have just as much to loose and will likely take the same precautions as you to keep the affair behind closed doors. Then there is the fact they won't judge because they are in the same position.

 

Think of it as a win/win. I fill your voids, you fill mine and we both know it is all about having our cake and eating too and no one gets hurt. Unfortunately people do get hurt when it does get out. But for what ever reason most assume no one will find out so the risk is worth the reward. But don't assume that any person in an affair is taking into consideration the spouse at home or what the will feel if they were to find out. The cheating spouse almost always is under some notion that they aren't going to find out and itsd more about just getting their needs met.

[Summer Breeze]

Re bolded: No one is suggesting the WS is not responsible for his own actions, or to blame as you put it. I thought that was clear. The question is whether choosing to have an affair with a MM/MW is bad behavior in any way or not.

That was clear but my views are it is 100% the responsibility of the 1 person who cheated.

 

Think of the example of someone using deception to get a leg up on a job, by lying in order to put a competing colleague down. Clearly the person lying is responsible for their own actions and behave badly. Someone knowingly participating with them in this deception, being a useful sounding board for potential lies, or whatever, has responsibility for their own role in this behavior against a colleague. This in no way absolves the first person of responsibility or blame. They might have easily found some other person to help them with the deception and they were the one actively doing the lying.

So if a friend who lives a 2 hour drive away and has no connection to the company or coworker that's being lied about is a sounding board for someone they are complicit and should have run right out and told the company or the coworker that something wasn't right. Sorry. I would have advised the person to do what I thought was right and in the end they would do what they chose to. I was never complicit in deception in my A. I never allowed myself to be a secret to anyone I came into contact with. When she found out I was available to answer her questions and then walked away. I called him when he was at home and he always spoke to me. Whether or not he walked out of the room was his choice. When we were together I was never quiet. If my phone rang I answered it and if I was watching a show or drying my hair I carried on. What he did to hide things was up to him. He knew from day 1 that if I saw her and she spoke to me I would react as an equal. I have no idea why he had an A with me because I must have been a nightmare as an OW.

 

As to multiple ONS, you seem to be viewing this question from the perspective of a BS. I view it from the perspective of the OW/OM. Is it better to have a ONS than an extended A with a MM -- who is not in an open M and who you know (or you don't care to find out) will be deceiving his W about your interactions? For me, yes, but only from the perspective of the length of involvement. I don't like to knowingly involve myself with and aid such deception. Of course, I didn't feel like this when I was an OW. I figured it was completely the MM's responsibility.

I am viewing it as a BS. I was a BS long before I was an OW. Cheating is cheating in my eyes. Period. Attachment or not. Cheating is cheating.

 

ETA. I expect my knowledge of the deception, as well as my participation in it, would be less with a ONS, so to say only the length is different is not true. Length and depth is more accurate.

 

Responded in bold.

[woinlove]

So if a friend who lives a 2 hour drive away and has no connection to the company or coworker that's being lied about is a sounding board for someone they are complicit and should have run right out and told the company or the coworker that something wasn't right.

 

I wouldn't run out and tell the company and co-worker, but I would tell my friend that I didn't think it was a good idea to lie about his/her coworker and I wouldn't participate in the deception.

 

If I even thought for some reason that a good friend was thinking of lying to get a job, I would bring up the subject and try to discuss it with him/her. It's not only the impact on the colleague, as I'd be concerned about what effect this behavior would have on my friend. I was content as an OW not to discuss with MM whatever lying he was doing because of what we shared. But I've changed and now I would care if someone I loved was lying because of me and our interactions. Remove the deception, have all spouses on board, and I have no problem.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you will be very shocked to find that majority of MM chase the OW. I am sure there are instances where that is not the case. But I have yet to know one.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

What I don't get is that why some OW think that because he pursued her, she is not responsible for her response. They sound so helpless like "He was so relentless and he wouldn't give up and he just made me so weak that I couldn't stop myself". OW often give the impression that they are total slaves to their emotions. Like a toddler who can't control his feelings and thows himself on the floor, OW feel attracted to MM and act on their feelings in that moment, regardless of the consequences.

 

If you truly feel that because you have a feeling, you must act on it, you are giving up so much of your own personal power.

 

In addition, why is a man's attention so important to OW that they compromise their values for it? A woman can be raised with the values that lying and cheating are wrong. And yet when MM lays on the charm, all those values go out the window?

 

It is very easy to stop a man's pursuit. You don't act coy. You don't give him ANY positive feedback. You give short, businesslike responses. Don't smile at him or make eye contact. Don't joke around with him.

 

When a man flirts, he is testing you to see how far he can go. He may throw one sexual reference into the conversation to gauge your reaction. He may send a mildly sexy text to test your boundaries.

 

If you don't give him positive vibes, he will see that you are not game for this and move on to the next target.

 

A cheater is a liar, an opportunist, manipulating, etc. Criminals and addicts share these traits. If a known addict was pursuing you, complimenting you...most would not consider a relationship with that person based on their character. But MM does these things, and OW feels that his love and attention is special, valuable. Why?

[spice4life]

I agree with this 100%.

 

What I don't get is that why some OW think that because he pursued her, she is not responsible for her response. They sound so helpless like "He was so relentless and he wouldn't give up and he just made me so weak that I couldn't stop myself". OW often give the impression that they are total slaves to their emotions. Like a toddler who can't control his feelings and thows himself on the floor, OW feel attracted to MM and act on their feelings in that moment, regardless of the consequences.

 

If you truly feel that because you have a feeling, you must act on it, you are giving up so much of your own personal power.

 

In addition, why is a man's attention so important to OW that they compromise their values for it? A woman can be raised with the values that lying and cheating are wrong. And yet when MM lays on the charm, all those values go out the window?

 

It is very easy to stop a man's pursuit. You don't act coy. You don't give him ANY positive feedback. You give short, businesslike responses. Don't smile at him or make eye contact. Don't joke around with him.

 

When a man flirts, he is testing you to see how far he can go. He may throw one sexual reference into the conversation to gauge your reaction. He may send a mildly sexy text to test your boundaries.

 

If you don't give him positive vibes, he will see that you are not game for this and move on to the next target.

 

A cheater is a liar, an opportunist, manipulating, etc. Criminals and addicts share these traits. If a known addict was pursuing you, complimenting you...most would not consider a relationship with that person based on their character. But MM does these things, and OW feels that his love and attention is special, valuable. Why?

 

In many instances, a woman falls prey to an A because she was vulnerable at the time. She could be in or coming out of an abusive relationship, suffered a recent and devastating loss, have low self esteem etc. MM's are very talented when it comes to picking up on a woman's vulnerability. They can pick her out from a 100 miles away. They hang the bait and start working their magic to reel her in. This can happen to a MW and a single OW. They usually do not go after a woman who isn't vulnerable, they aren even on his radar. Not an excuse, it just happens.

 

Please note, in my case, I was lead to believe he was separated. I was deeply in love with him when I found out the truth...it was absolutely devastating! I plunked my azz in therapy and have become strong enough to never go down that road again.

[Summer Breeze]

I wouldn't run out and tell the company and co-worker, but I would tell my friend that I didn't think it was a good idea to lie about his/her coworker and I wouldn't participate in the deception.

 

If I even thought for some reason that a good friend was thinking of lying to get a job, I would bring up the subject and try to discuss it with him/her. It's not only the impact on the colleague, as I'd be concerned about what effect this behavior would have on my friend. I was content as an OW not to discuss with MM whatever lying he was doing because of what we shared. But I've changed and now I would care if someone I loved was lying because of me and our interactions. Remove the deception, have all spouses on board, and I have no problem.

 

I would have had no problem with his W knowing. He was the one who chose not to. As I said I didn't hide and I wasn't sitting back cowering in a corner trying to disappear so we wouldn't get caught. I didn't participate in any deception.

 

I care about his actions with me. I never once found him lying to me and in the several ddays we had it was clear he hadn't lied to me and things were verified when she and I talked.

 

We disagree and I'm ok with that. I have no qualms about anything I did in my M and I have none with the A. I don't like what he did but that's up to him to figure out and come to terms with.

[geejayess]

This is just an innocent question just to answer my curiosity so here goes.

 

What makes you guys want to be with a married or taken person, when there is plenty of single people out there? What draws you to the person that is taken?

 

I know it takes two and the married or taken person has to comply to the advances or the they seem to give off advances too.

 

Is it also relevant that the OM/OW knows that the person they are chasing has already got someone else?

 

Sorry to sound invasive.

 

 

 

I'm surprised no one took issue with this (emboldened) part of the post!

 

I have been single for more than 5 years. I just turned 40 last year. I don't run into a lot of single people my age- (by single I mean no girlfriend, fiancee or wife.) I think a lot of men -the ones who are desirable (because let's face it- not everyone that IS single is desirable- some people are single for a reason) are already taken. Where are all these single people that you are talking about OP? I've met a few single guys in the 5+ years I've been divorced (one who wanted me to pay for everything (food drinks and transportation,) one who only wanted me so he could have sex with a Black woman, one who criticized single mothers, and one co-worker who stood me up on our first date, had told me he was single and had no kids but when we were having lunch in the cafeteria someone walked by and asked him how was his baby girl...)

 

So, "plenty of single people out there?!" I don't think so...

 

When I met my xMM, he wasn't married, had just started dating his (then) girlfriend. I approached him and he readily told me he had a new girlfriend, expressed dismay at the timing (he did not know I had divorced a couple of years back,) but he also took my phone number. After that, it was friendly, but because he had been watching me for a time, and I had been watching him for a time, one thing led to another and now it's three years later....

 

I won't go so far as to say I pursued him because he was taken, but I did go after him because I knew it was mutual.

[sleepessinoh]

You are SO right gee!! OP do you have any idea how many MMs are on singles websites portraying themselves as single? The ones that are honest will tell you that they are MMs and are looking for friendship and maybe more. I used to get messages from alot of them. I met my MM off of a singles website. He was looking for friendship, nothing more, just lonely. I thought well MMs can have friends too...looking back, wow what a stupid thought process lol. But we connected right away through the website...MMs are sweet and understanding and so into you from the beginning even as a friend. I made the choice to let what was happening happen and get deeper. My accountability there. But I was looking for a single man, in single man territory when I met MM.

[sleepessinoh]

Tudor...thank you so much for the awesome insight. I used to ask MM why he cheated if he was not "unhappy persay" I never bought him as the have his cake and eat it too because we hung out so much and never had sex so many times. We ate lunch in public all of the time and just talked and kissed goodbye. Sex didnt happen often....just talked and cuddled. He was happy with that. It is isnt always about sex. It is about filling the void of what is missing, which he did for me as well. He would refer to the 80/20 rule. I told him there is nothing in my life that I would risk 80% happiness for just to get 20%. But he would explain to me the 20% makes him 80% happy cause he was missing an emotional connection and excitement and feeling wanted so much. He said he was not sure if he cared if we got caught. He didnt try to hard to hide. We went out together alot.

The cheating spouse almost always is under some notion that they aren't going to find out and itsd more about just getting their needs met.

 

So true. I know MMs W knew something was up because of her change in behavior. He never thought for one second that she knew. I think most Ws know something is amiss.

[Still Loving]

I left my ex 10 yrs ago - we have seen each other recently and the attraction between us is overwhelming, like magnets. We just enjoy spending any time we can together and are staying out of bed. He has been living with another woman for 3 yrs and he is very torn. Life happens. just an innocent answer.

[fooled once]

I think you will be very shocked to find that majority of MM chase the OW. I am sure there are instances where that is not the case. But I have yet to know one.

 

So .... Does it matter if a married person chases someone? When a person knows the other person is married and chooses to engage in an affair, they should OWN that choice instead of saying "he pursued me". You have the ability to say "no thanks, I don't do married men"!

 

thank you for an honest answer.

 

to be totally honest, i have never really understood the idea that someone "has" to give into their feelings of attraction... why not simply own one's choices instead of shifting responsibility to the other person.After all, if it is "impossible to "seduce " a married man/woman who doesn't allow themselves to be" seduced", then isn't the other side of the coin true as well? Isn't it just as impossible for a married person to "seduce" a single person who doesn't allow it?

 

this is not to say that we can control ow we feel, rather that we can control ow we choose to act.

 

( and, just for the record, there are more than a few single people who prefer to pursue relationships with people who are already in a committed relationship... there are/were several posters on here who take that tack... mind you, i know it's not the "norm")

 

Totally agree!!!!

 

It is always a choice to engage or not and even how far you are willing to engage.

 

It doesn't matterif if the sex is lacking, the conversation missing, the emotional connection, attraction not what it was....there are all kinds of reasons why someone's eye may wonder. And again it is more natural instinct for it to wonder than force yourself to not let it. Even if you were lied to at first or played, once you do know, you have a choice, if you know and proceed it is a choice. Each person choice is different than the next and what motivated that choice is not a one size fits all because it is such a personal matter of what that person can live with. To the OP, keep that in mind, you could get hundreds of anwers to the same question because of this.

 

Good post!

[SoMovinOn]

I had to laugh when I read the title, then again when I read the original post. The concept that some poor married person is the prey of the evil OW/OM who chases them down! LOL! ... I don't even think Hollywood has bothered with that fairy tale.

 

I would say it's extremely rare for a single person to pursue a married person. The more common scenario would be the married person pursuing the single partner. Probably even more common is two people spending time together, neither pursuing a relationship, friendship develops into something more...

 

I think the concept of an OW/OM pursuing the mAP is more of a coping mechanism for BS's than anything to do with reality.

[woinlove]

I had to laugh when I read the title, then again when I read the original post. The concept that some poor married person is the prey of the evil OW/OM who chases them down! LOL! ... I don't even think Hollywood has bothered with that fairy tale.

 

I would say it's extremely rare for a single person to pursue a married person. The more common scenario would be the married person pursuing the single partner. Probably even more common is two people spending time together, neither pursuing a relationship, friendship develops into something more...

 

I think the concept of an OW/OM pursuing the mAP is more of a coping mechanism for BS's than anything to do with reality.

 

It's not that rare for a single person to look for a married person to have an A with. The owner of Ashley Madison says the majority of the women registered on his site are single and interested in MM. A few OW have posted here explaining how they prefer (or preferred) MM over single men. Maybe this is a lot rarer for single OM looking for MW.

 

On the other hand, I think MM as a pursuer is quite common.

[mzdolphin]

In many instances, a woman falls prey to an A because she was vulnerable at the time. She could be in or coming out of an abusive relationship, suffered a recent and devastating loss, have low self esteem etc. MM's are very talented when it comes to picking up on a woman's vulnerability. They can pick her out from a 100 miles away. They hang the bait and start working their magic to reel her in. This can happen to a MW and a single OW. They usually do not go after a woman who isn't vulnerable, they aren even on his radar. Not an excuse, it just happens.

 

Please note, in my case, I was lead to believe he was separated. I was deeply in love with him when I found out the truth...it was absolutely devastating! I plunked my azz in therapy and have become strong enough to never go down that road again.

 

I can't speak for others, but I had never been in an abusive relationship. Life was pretty good for me. I was running my own business. We became reacquainted by chance. Because we had a history, dated 20 years ago when we were single, I had a comfort level with him. When he asked about my marital status and I said divorced. I asked him, he said "me too". I had no reason not to believe him. Then we started seeing each other. No ring on his finger. No ring mark. No hiding. We went any and everywhere. No broken promises. He arrived when he said he would. No off limit times to call. He stayed over night at my place. And I stayed over night at his. We were a very public couple. He was buying things for my son and hanging out with me at my brother's house. He even invited me and my son to his job. Of course later I would find out his wife lived in another state and that they had lived apart for four years. But there was no divorce.

 

When I found out I was devastated. I broke it off and even told his wife. But two weeks later he was calling again. Two months later we were seeing each other again. I told myself, wow, if the wife finding out didn't run him away, then maybe he is serious about me. But what I figured out is that you can't rely on the mental or emotional state of the BS. You don't know what he's telling her or why she believes it. You must focus on what is and not what you'd like them to be. I blame myself for allowing him back into my life, but I consider him the cheater. He knew he was married. He led me to believe he was not. He allowed me to get deeper involved, knowing he was still married. He became involved with my family, knowing he was married. He discussed our relationship with mutual friends, knowing he was married. So I think 100% of the fault lies with him the first time. The second go around I accept responsibility for allowing the affair to continue. But if he tells me the truth right out of the gate, this affair never happens.

[mzdolphin]

mzdolphin I have to wonder about your mm, since he was capable of such major compartmentalization, what else do you suppose he is capable of?

 

Scary don't you think?

 

I don't think it was compartmentalizing. Actually I think the distance made it too easy. I mean living in another state for four to five years, seeing your spouse four to five times a year, is just not good for any marriage. He was seeing me more than the wife because we lived in the same state. I saw him two the three times a week. She saw him four to five times a year.

 

Much of what he told me was true. I mean I'm a journalist so I checked out the story. I could see that in 2004 the ownership of their home was transferred from both their name to only her name and on the deed she took back her maiden name. He admitted they had financial trouble so they could have done that for financial reasons. But seeing that, and seeing it happen at the same time he moved to Florida, you could see how I, and in some respects, he, might have believed his marriage to be over.

 

Moving the property from joint ownership to one is nothing, but seeing her take back her maiden name on the deed made me want to believe him more. And this was something I checked out without his knowledge. He also raised her two daughters (they have no kids together) from small kids to adulthood. So I don't consider him evil. Just mixed up. Manipulative, a liar. Most importantly, being involved with him was not healthy for me. That is where I needed to arrive. That he doesn't have to be evil for me to understand the situation is not healthy for me. He could be working through his own $hit. Fine. That's not my problem. Being involved with a married man who you KNOW is lying regularly to his spouse, is a MAJOR problem. What he thinks of me is not the issue.

[SoMovinOn]

The owner of Ashley Madison says the majority of the women registered on his site are single and interested in MM.

 

And bars give free drinks to women on Ladies Night because they know having a bunch of women in the bar will attract a lot of horny men who are willing to spend money hoping to get a shot at getting laid. I would bet the owner of Ashley Madison is making an advertising statement, not necessarily a statement of fact.

 

 

A few OW have posted here explaining how they prefer (or preferred) MM over single men.

 

Yes. ... a few, and I would bet that is the most rare instance in A's.

 

 

On the other hand, I think MM as a pursuer is quite common.

 

I would bet that would be the most common.

[SoMovinOn]

ah, but could it not also be said that the concept that affairs are almost always due to an married person "chasing" a single person also simply be a coping mechanism for the affair partner as a way to deal with feelings of guilt, anger, etc.?

 

It could be, and, I am sure there are instances where it is done, but, from reading here and other forums, I don't recall seeing any sAP's claiming they were roped into the A by the mAP. I don't even recall seeing any mAP's saying they were roped into the A by the sAP. All I recall seeing are BS's saying their loving and adoring spouse was seduced by an evil temptress.

 

 

in my opinion, affairs often seem to boil down to two people choosing to get into a relationship that may not be in the best interests of either one of them. But that's nothing new. Everyone makes mistakes or poor choices...does it really matter who pursued who? If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship, they have the choice to say "no" and walk away... whether they are the married person or the affair partner.It may be hard and very painful to do so, but if you choose to get into an affair, then own that and don't try and blame the other person for your choice.

 

Totally agree.

 

... but then, again, I don't see blame for the A coming from the AP's, I see it coming from some of the BS's - which is why I see it as a coping mechanism.

[woinlove]

And bars give free drinks to women on Ladies Night because they know having a bunch of women in the bar will attract a lot of horny men who are willing to spend money hoping to get a shot at getting laid. I would bet the owner of Ashley Madison is making an advertising statement, not necessarily a statement of fact.

 

The statistics he gave looked pretty bad in that way, I recall there were 3-4 times as many men registered as women. He said the company was looking at ways of encouraging more women registrants.

 

But perhaps you are suggesting that MM have a strong preference for single women, rather than MW, and so that data on who was married or single was skewed to mislead the registered men? If so, why the strong preference? Seems like a toss up to me. With single you don't have to worry about an angry spouse, but with married, the need for discretion is mutual.

[carhill]

 

What makes you guys want to be with a married or taken person, when there is plenty of single people out there? What draws you to the person that is taken?

 

The first question assumes a circumstance not in evidence in my locale. For example, in the last 2.5 years, locally, meaning within 30 miles of where I live, I've met two single women (I think they were anyway), one who was a friend's sister and another whom I met through OLD. During that same period three women who either were obviously married or turned out to be married approached me. I don't overtly hit on married women. They hit on me. Over the decades, I've responded to a few, unhealthily.

 

I know it takes two and the married or taken person has to comply to the advances or the they seem to give off advances too.

 

Latter, IME, but I could see the reverse as a MM. There was definitely some proactivity there, even if not overt and obvious. The feeling was there, and that's what made it unhealthy.

 

Is it also relevant that the OM/OW knows that the person they are chasing has already got someone else?

 

I think it is quite relevant, having been deceived a couple of times, many years ago, for periods ranging from weeks to months. I think my inexperience was the major factor there, along with being socialized to trust and believe women. Good life lessons.

 

Sorry to sound invasive.

 

No worries. Good questions. You'll find some of my personal experiences in my LS journals.

[SoMovinOn]

The statistics he gave looked pretty bad in that way, I recall there were 3-4 times as many men registered as women. He said the company was looking at ways of encouraging more women registrants.

 

But perhaps you are suggesting that MM have a strong preference for single women, rather than MW, and so that data on who was married or single was skewed to mislead the registered men? If so, why the strong preference? Seems like a toss up to me. With single you don't have to worry about an angry spouse, but with married, the need for discretion is mutual.

 

Well, genetically and scientifically speaking, men are supposed to be the horn-dogs, with the desire and drive to plant their seed in as many women as possible... and being medically more than able to well into old age. Conversely, women are genetically predisposed to picking one guy. There is no genetic advantage for a woman to desire multiple partners.

 

Men have typically been the majority when it comes to having affairs. I have seen articles on recent research though, showing as women have become more "equal" and moved into higher positions, the number of married women choosing to have A's is growing.