Just a question: What makes a person go after a taken man/woman?

[Silly_Girl]

Why do OW accept chicken feed and pretend it's caviar and champagne?:eek:LOL! Available for what? Most WS are usually not 'available' on holidays, birthdays or weekends. From reading OW forums, it's obvious that most MM are 'available' only when it is convenient for them!

 

How many times has your MM not been 'available' when you would have liked?

 

It wasn't often at all gg. And the guy I saw before him was available to me less due to work and sport commitment. Glad I gave you a giggle though

[MissBee]

I agree. The exMM certainly pursued me and made the first moves.

 

I'll join the voices saying I was pursued too in my A. Then another time when a MM tried to get involved with me (I did not get involved with him), he did the chasing again too and he was relentless as well.

[MissBee]

I agree with this 100%.

 

What I don't get is that why some OW think that because he pursued her, she is not responsible for her response. They sound so helpless like "He was so relentless and he wouldn't give up and he just made me so weak that I couldn't stop myself". OW often give the impression that they are total slaves to their emotions. Like a toddler who can't control his feelings and thows himself on the floor, OW feel attracted to MM and act on their feelings in that moment, regardless of the consequences.

 

If you truly feel that because you have a feeling, you must act on it, you are giving up so much of your own personal power.

 

In addition, why is a man's attention so important to OW that they compromise their values for it? A woman can be raised with the values that lying and cheating are wrong. And yet when MM lays on the charm, all those values go out the window?

 

It is very easy to stop a man's pursuit. You don't act coy. You don't give him ANY positive feedback. You give short, businesslike responses. Don't smile at him or make eye contact. Don't joke around with him.

 

When a man flirts, he is testing you to see how far he can go. He may throw one sexual reference into the conversation to gauge your reaction. He may send a mildly sexy text to test your boundaries.

 

If you don't give him positive vibes, he will see that you are not game for this and move on to the next target.

 

A cheater is a liar, an opportunist, manipulating, etc. Criminals and addicts share these traits. If a known addict was pursuing you, complimenting you...most would not consider a relationship with that person based on their character. But MM does these things, and OW feels that his love and attention is special, valuable. Why?

 

Great post!

 

I agree wholeheartedly.

 

I can answer some of the questions based on my own experience. I realized that for me, I sought the validation of men, and only men that were somehow off limits: they were usually much older, some type of authority figure, powerful, very intelligent and charismatic or strong and silent and yes taken or otherwise would never really be 100% emotionally or physically available. That was "my type" and to this day, I still struggle with my tendency to attract and be attracted to that sort of man and that sort of dynamic. It was a testament of my "worth", my prowess, my "specialness" when I could successfully gain the attention, interest, desire, time etc of a man like that. "I must be very seductive, brilliant, desirable, etc if this taken/married man, this powerful man, this seemingly unattainable man is interested in me!" That was my line of thinking. Some of it was thought consciously but most of it was not anything I thought about, until I realized it was a pattern and until I began to soul search and grow. It all stemmed from issues with my father and my need for validation from him as a child being played out as an adult in romantic scenarios.

 

When a taken man showed interest, I would play coy, I would engage him in the game, even if I never actually pursued it, I would entertain it for the ego stroke it provided. I would always play with fire and open that door for a situation to go too far....then of course when it did, I was "surprised" that I was "overtaken by my feelings" . The saying "If you shun the devil he will flee from you" is so true...if you avoid something and shun it when it comes up, it is highly unlikely that you will be swept up against your will. If however, you straddle the fence, where you aren't doing the pursuing but you're not shunning either, then that's where you slip, slide and land into an affair. I always left the door open, and many times nothing came of it, but most of the time, me even taking that number or engaging in that banter and so on was already going too far.

 

As for SG's comment about if a MM does not see himself as unavailable then why should an OW....well that makes no sense IMO. If you are married and available for dating, then I would assume you would not need to be in an affair, as you're either in an open marriage or long separated or some other situation in which your availability is pretty obvious to you, your wife, your gf and everyone else who's looking. If your availability is only apparent in the presence of your OW and only known to you and her...umm....then are you REALLY available? Hence for me, my criteria for dating is that you are neither in a real nor imagined relationship and no one else THINKS they are in a relationship with you. I would like your views of yourself and your status to be in sync with the outside world and not for you to be single in your heart or some such

Edited September 3, 2011 by MissBee

[fooled once]

I don't think it was compartmentalizing. Actually I think the distance made it too easy. I mean living in another state for four to five years, seeing your spouse four to five times a year, is just not good for any marriage. He was seeing me more than the wife because we lived in the same state. I saw him two the three times a week. She saw him four to five times a year.

 

Actually this is what people endure many times when they are married to a member of the military. Heck, many went a year without seeing their spouse. I still dont believe that gives anyone the 'right' to cheat. In your situation, there was no reason for them to stay married if the MM wanted to play single-man

 

Much of what he told me was true. I mean I'm a journalist so I checked out the story. I could see that in 2004 the ownership of their home was transferred from both their name to only her name and on the deed she took back her maiden name. He admitted they had financial trouble so they could have done that for financial reasons. But seeing that, and seeing it happen at the same time he moved to Florida, you could see how I, and in some respects, he, might have believed his marriage to be over.

 

Moving the property from joint ownership to one is nothing, but seeing her take back her maiden name on the deed made me want to believe him more. And this was something I checked out without his knowledge. He also raised her two daughters (they have no kids together) from small kids to adulthood. So I don't consider him evil. Just mixed up. Manipulative, a liar. Most importantly, being involved with him was not healthy for me. That is where I needed to arrive. That he doesn't have to be evil for me to understand the situation is not healthy for me. He could be working through his own $hit. Fine. That's not my problem. Being involved with a married man who you KNOW is lying regularly to his spouse, is a MAJOR problem. What he thinks of me is not the issue.

 

Above in bold.

 

Glad you finally saw he is a liar and that alone is enough reason for the affair to end.

[Summer Breeze]

i think i have to disagree here.

 

just read some of the responses on here, and see how many affair partners place the blame on the married person for relentlessly perusing them, or that they were in a vulnerable place in their lives and some married guys can zero in on that, etc.?

 

ultimately, does it really matter who chased who ( or if any 'chasing' even took place")? ... when an affair happens, it's usually three people ( or more) that get hurt ( spouse, cheating spouse, affair partner and anyone else who suffers as 'collateral damage")

 

It matters in this thread because it's included in the opening post and also the comments made are pretty obviously slanting it away from the OPs WS.

[Summer Breeze]

Why do OW accept chicken feed and pretend it's caviar and champagne?:eek:LOL! Available for what? Most WS are usually not 'available' on holidays, birthdays or weekends. From reading OW forums, it's obvious that most MM are 'available' only when it is convenient for them!

 

How many times has your MM not been 'available' when you would have liked?

 

I never accepted chicken feed. I don't like caviar though so it was normally dinners and nights out with friends or a show after.

 

The person to ask what they're available or is the WS. They're the ones out there playing at being single-impersonating a single person.

 

We did have holidays and weekends away and birthdays unless I was away for work. Christmas I was out of state as well with my child's family so that was never an issue. We spoke through the day and normally had the day after together.

[bestplayer]

So it seems as a misteress u were getting more than they usually get from their MM

[Summer Breeze]

So it seems as a misteress u were getting more than they usually get from their MM

 

I set my boundaries and how I was going to be treated. Sometimes looking back I think I might have done that to ensure a quick end. No one in their right mind would be able to have a OW with so many 'demands'. It didn't work that way but I had defined some things pretty clearly. That was my situation. I don't speak for anyone else.

[frenchiefun]

The assumption that MM are pursued by OW really irritates me. It infers that OW are predatory home wreckers that set out to target poor MM's, who obviously are defenceless against their wiles...

 

As others have stated, most of the time MM do the chasing. It was certainly true in my case. He chased me for months, and I gave him every opportunity to change his mind before the affair started.

[carhill]

As a general comment/question, wouldn't it make sense that MM would pursue potential affair partners as, generally, men are the active and overt pursuers of women in nearly all circumstances? The style, though perhaps acted out in unhealthy circumstances with the man being married/LTR, is in keeping with the time-honored tradition of the male as pursuer.

 

My data points so far have shown marked pursuit as an OM in only one instance, that being when I believed, erroneously, the lady to be single and available, based on her words and actions. I ascribe that now mostly to youth, inexperience and a reaction to marked prior consistent rejection. After that dynamic played out, I took healthier steps to establish the person's availability before pursuit, but would experience being pursued by a number of MW's over the years. In retrospect, I don't think they wished a relationship with me, rather to just fµck my mind for awhile, kind of like a man uses a woman for sex. Regardless, once I determined they were married/LTR, I did not pursue.

 

I imagine there are instances of an OW 'going after' a MM; having met plenty of assertive women in life, I don't doubt it a bit. Regardless of who pursues and is pursued, both parties have choices in how that dynamic plays out. If an affair results, then they made that choice.

[MissBee]

The assumption that MM are pursued by OW really irritates me. It infers that OW are predatory home wreckers that set out to target poor MM's, who obviously are defenceless against their wiles...

As others have stated, most of the time MM do the chasing. It was certainly true in my case. He chased me for months, and I gave him every opportunity to change his mind before the affair started.

 

I'm confused by this....you gave him every opportunity to change his mind?

 

Why didn't you just change your own mind?

 

I am not asking why you participated in the affair. I'm asking about what you mean by YOU gave him the opportunity to change his mind? How? Did you succumb to the chase and before the final plunge say "This is your last chance to back down" or what? I mean, if he is chasing, I would assume his mind is already made up, so that comment threw me for a loop. He of course wasn't going to change his mind if he had been chasing and you "finally" agreed...so it seems bizarre to turn it around in that way to say you afforded him the opportunity to change his mind.

[MissBee]

And in the end what does it matter as to who chased who or if one was the pursuer because at some point both parties have to decide to engage so that makes both equally libel. This thread seems to assume that you are less (fill in the blank) if you didn't do the pursuing, which is a little ridiculous.

 

Ditto!

 

Whether one was pursued or not or "gave the MP an opportunity to change their mind" or not...really doesn't matter as in the end one still engaged the situation. Sooooo......ya.

[frenchiefun]

I'm confused by this....you gave him every opportunity to change his mind?

 

Why didn't you just change your own mind?

 

I am not asking why you participated in the affair. I'm asking about what you mean by YOU gave him the opportunity to change his mind? How? Did you succumb to the chase and before the final plunge say "This is your last chance to back down" or what? I mean, if he is chasing, I would assume his mind is already made up, so that comment threw me for a loop. He of course wasn't going to change his mind if he had been chasing and you "finally" agreed...so it seems bizarre to turn it around in that way to say you afforded him the opportunity to change his mind.

 

I was very attracted to him as well, (still am), but before I commenced the affair I set a few ground rules with him - I would make every effort to keep it discreet, however if his wife found out, it was his problem, not mine. If she somehow found out, he was to keep me out of it as much as possible, however, if she did find my name or number and contacted me, I wouldn't lie to her.

 

We discussed the impact the discovery of the affair could have on his marriage, kids etc.

 

We also discussed the possibility of one or both of us falling in love and wanting the relationship to go further and both agreed that he would not leave his marriage.

 

That's what I meant by giving him the opportunity to change his mind.

 

He agreed to this - so the affair went ahead, and is still going strong, years later.

[MissBee]

I was very attracted to him as well, (still am), but before I commenced the affair I set a few ground rules with him - I would make every effort to keep it discreet, however if his wife found out, it was his problem, not mine. If she somehow found out, he was to keep me out of it as much as possible, however, if she did find my name or number and contacted me, I wouldn't lie to her.

 

We discussed the impact the discovery of the affair could have on his marriage, kids etc.

 

We also discussed the possibility of one or both of us falling in love and wanting the relationship to go further and both agreed that he would not leave his marriage.

 

That's what I meant by giving him the opportunity to change his mind.

 

He agreed to this - so the affair went ahead, and is still going strong, years later.

 

Ohh okay I see.

[ladydesigner]

And in the end what does it matter as to who chased who or if one was the pursuer because at some point both parties have to decide to engage so that makes both equally libel. This thread seems to assume that you are less (fill in the blank) if you didn't do the pursuing, which is a little ridiculous.

 

Great post. I agree it doesn't matter as to who the pursuer is. In order for an A to happen I would think there would be an attraction to each other in order for things to move forward. As one post said earlier that it is a mutual attraction as any normal relationship would begin.

 

My A started after a 2 year friendship/co-worker relationship. Similar to Circular, I too believe the EA's to be tricky because I was not attracted to my XOM when we began working together. Over time I believe feelings developed. He seemed to be the one pursuing, but probably not expecting anything to happen. When I discovered my H's A's I began confiding to my co-worker (XOM) and started to have feelings for him. I knew he was attracted to me, the rest is history. We had a full blown PA for 6 weeks.

[skywriter]

Great post. I agree it doesn't matter as to who the pursuer is. In order for an A to happen I would think there would be an attraction to each other in order for things to move forward. As one post said earlier that it is a mutual attraction as any normal relationship would begin.

 

My A started after a 2 year friendship/co-worker relationship. Similar to Circular, I too believe the EA's to be tricky because I was not attracted to my XOM when we began working together. Over time I believe feelings developed. He seemed to be the one pursuing, but probably not expecting anything to happen. When I discovered my H's A's I began confiding to my co-worker (XOM) and started to have feelings for him. I knew he was attracted to me, the rest is history. We had a full blown PA for 6 weeks.

 

I agree it shouldn't matter who is the pursuer. But the OP asked,

 

 

Just a question: What makes a person go after a taken man/woman?

[SoMovinOn]

I agree it shouldn't matter who is the pursuer. But the OP asked,

 

 

Just a question: What makes a person go after a taken man/woman?

 

Not only that, but people need to work a bit at grasping the context of the question as well as the obvious black and white of it. To an extent, the question is asking if there *are* people who intentionally seek to date married people, and, if so, why?

 

Certainly, there are some people who get off on the risk involved, there are others who do so because they *don't* want a committed relationship, some people do it out of revenge ... I imagine there are other reasons as well.

[noelle303]

In my situation we both equally wanted to be with each other, we both pursued each other.

 

We had great chemistry, we worked really well together and were just very drawn to each other.

I'm going to be one of the rare ones to admit that I actually liked the excitement, being secretive, I like the freedom that I had whilst still being with someone I really liked. I had no intention on telling his wife or expectations from him to leave her, that was never part of the plan we had. We just wanted to have fun while we could and ride it out while it's so great and working.

 

But of course, it wasn't so easy for both of us not to develop feelings as the relationship continued and our great time together continued.

 

Only when I got pregnant did the bubble burst and I realized the gravity of the situation.

[MissBee]

In my situation we both equally wanted to be with each other, we both pursued each other.

 

We had great chemistry, we worked really well together and were just very drawn to each other.

I'm going to be one of the rare ones to admit that I actually liked the excitement, being secretive, I like the freedom that I had whilst still being with someone I really liked. I had no intention on telling his wife or expectations from him to leave her, that was never part of the plan we had. We just wanted to have fun while we could and ride it out while it's so great and working.

 

But of course, it wasn't so easy for both of us not to develop feelings as the relationship continued and our great time together continued.

 

Only when I got pregnant did the bubble burst and I realized the gravity of the situation.

 

Your honesty is appreciated noelle!

[skylarblue]

This is just an innocent question just to answer my curiosity so here goes.

 

What makes you guys want to be with a married or taken person, when there is plenty of single people out there? What draws you to the person that is taken?

 

I know it takes two and the married or taken person has to comply to the advances or the they seem to give off advances too.

 

Is it also relevant that the OM/OW knows that the person they are chasing has already got someone else?

 

Sorry to sound invasive.

I don’t think in most cases, people WANT to be with a married/taken person and for the most part would rather have the person be unattached. But for whatever reason, the pay-off (love, convenience, excitement, etc) for the OP is worth enough for them to tolerate/accept that someone is taken. In my case, MM did not pursue me (although he did approach me). It was a mutual flirting, kinda testing the waters to see if the other person was receptive. Although, it was not what initially attracted me to him, once I discovered he was married it was like “game on”. I’d always liked the “high” of getting the “ideal husband” type MM to cheat (if I took it that far) or engage in some type of inappropriate behavior/conversation. So, when it was convenient for me, I was always open to having something short-term with the right MM. MM is the only time NSA fun has become a full-blown, LTR. It isn’t something I necessarily want, but it is what is reality for now and continues for the most part because of the persistence and pursuit of MM. I don’t think that’s typical of the OW on LS and I’m inclined to believe its not typical in general, but I’ve read plenty about “the allure of the wedding ring” so I don’t know.