Unhappy Husband

[Chet]

I think I officially resent my wife. None of my family or friends know this but I need to talk to someone. Here's a quick summary. Do I sound crazy? Please weigh in.

 

My wife and I have been married for 17 months, both hold college degrees and have no kids. I have a very stressful but good job making good money. My wife has a menial job which she hates and has made only minimal effort to seek meaningful employment. She has lots of time on her hands with four days off every other week. Instead of job seeking on these days, she hangs out with family, friends, or just hangs out at home. With all the time off she has, I get frustrated when she makes a mess around the house and doesn't clean it up. She'll clean once in a while but claims that I don't clean as much as I should either. Fact - The mess is almost always her leaving things where they don't belong. I work well over 40 hours and earn 85% of our total income so I often come home with headaches and feeling stressed. She goes through phases where she talks about going back to school for another bachelors degree in fields she knows very little about. Why she won't aspire for a masters degree to complement her bachelors I don't understand. She also contemplates leaving her job to return to her college employer which pays even less than her current employer.

 

I know she wants meaningful employment but it makes me so frustrated to watch her barely try. Also, with all this time off, she could at least focus on staying in shape. Unfortunately, I have become much less interested in sex and she sees that. I have not told her this because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

 

I love my wife but I feel a sense of underappreciation. Ultimately, I fear that this feeling could lead me to question if she is the person I should be with.

 

Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[shjoll]

I think you should come together and let her know how you feel. Because she cant read you mind. This is the beginning communication is the key.

[ja123]

You definitely need to speak to her about this. This is an extremely unfair situation and if left to fester could lead to divorce, illness, cheating, etc.

 

Suze Orman has a good book called "The 9 Step to Financial Freedom" in which she addresses problems between couples and money.

 

Good Luck!

[Chet]

I should be more clear. The only thing she doesn't know is that my sexual interest has decreased due to her lack of contribution and lack of fitness. She is still a very beautiful woman but I worry she is slipping. She likes to snack on chocolate chips so I hid them yesterday w/o her knowledge. She knows how I feel about her employment situation. Sometimes she cries at night because she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life professionally and I try to comfort her. She really is a wonderful person; she just hasn't found her stride in life yet and I worry she never will.

[Duckduckgoose]

So be there to support her, not leave her when she needs someone to help.

 

She may be getting depressed, hence the eating chocolate. Her job is bad and she is wondering what she wants to do with her life. She's seriously stressed.

 

You are going to have to be very honest with her. Its better to be honest now then to ditch out on the marriage for reasons that she's in the dark about. Offer to exercise with her, set her some house cleaning goals. Those at least are goals she can achieve... have her set her own goals of applying for a set number of jobs a week. She might be looking to you for guidance and as a stable influence. Women tend to be more emotional/less rational, just remember this.

 

I am a woman, btw, and my situation last year around this time was kind of similar to what your wife is going through. My now exH left me when I needed him most and wasn't real nice about it. Don't be that guy. I say guy because a man wouldn't do that **** to his wife.

[ja123]

I should be more clear. The only thing she doesn't know is that my sexual interest has decreased due to her lack of contribution and lack of fitness. She is still a very beautiful woman but I worry she is slipping. She likes to snack on chocolate chips so I hid them yesterday w/o her knowledge. She knows how I feel about her employment situation. Sometimes she cries at night because she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life professionally and I try to comfort her. She really is a wonderful person; she just hasn't found her stride in life yet and I worry she never will.

 

OK it sounds like you two have some boundary issues to work on. You are her husband and not her therapist - so sure the sex life is going to head south if there are all these issures involved. Sounds to me like spending time with her friends and not doing household chores is a smoke screen she is using to avoid the real issues of fear athat she's dealing with: fear, in like having an existential void that she can't fill herself so she's looking to you to fill them. In truth, even if we're in a relationship - we all walk alone. Relationships are meant to complement not complete "self". If they are seen in the latter light then it's codependency.

 

I'd tell her that she needs to look into these issues - and see a therapist/counsellor, then a career counsellor, all the while going to the gym (the extra endorphins caused by exercising will improve her mood, self-esteem and will carry over to other areas of her life.)

 

I'd also very closely examine your own issues in why you feel it's your mission to fix her. It's not your job. What are you getting out of it by appointing yourself to such a position? Are you using "her" and "her issues" to avoid something in your own life? Is it a sense of power or an ego-stroke? What is it? You must be getting some kind of pay-off.

 

You may want to consider a cousellor yourself.

 

And eventually a marriage cousellor for both of you.

 

Melodie Beattie has a book "The Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps" that you might want to take a look at. Also there's a book called "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend.

 

Hope I don't come off as too harsh - but I'm just telling it as I see it - and hopefully it can help you.

 

Best wishes!