sweetbilly Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 ladies, please help me. Here's my problem: i met this girl the other day and she's wonderful, i mean down right beautiful; you would not believe how beautiful! Not just outside but inside as well. However, she has this idea that i'm too good for her, God knows that's not true. Well, tonight she freaked out and hung up on me while we were talking, thinking that i'm too good for her again, and scared the SH$t out of me. I thought she was going to call things off, or even worse hurt herself. She isn't very confidant, and subsequently she thinks that she is something less than she really is. She has been treated like crap by bast@rds who like to beat on her. In fact, she may not even be able to have children because of her F*^&ing ex, who beat her down, and i'll happily kill a little later. Anyhow she tells me she is falling in love with me, and the feeling may be reciprical. I want her to understand that she is special to me. Eventhough i've told her this i don't think she really believes it! I may be half of the problem too. I keep telling her things like we are going to go on picinics; trips through the mountains; to church, things like this. Her past isn't what she wanted it to be, and for some reason she feels she isn't pure enough for me. This is killing me! I really, really want this girl, flaws and all. I don't care about her past, it means nothing to me. How can i make her feel better about herself, about me? I know the meaning of commitment, and i want her to understand i'll always be there for her. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 Tell her how the earth is at the centre of the universe and she won't think so much about ya anymore No seriously, come to think about it, make her feel like SHE is the center of the universe, and you're home free. Don't give up, dude. She just needs to see that you are serious about her. From what you describe, she may have trust issues with guys. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 First of all, please understand that this woman, because of her past, needs a friend near her more than a lover. She has self esteem issues and no one can love somebody else unless they don't love themselves first. She is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. This is a bad thing for you. She needs people around her, needs time and needs to build up her own confidence. I for one heve never been able to do this while in a very close relationship, because I wanted my space to solve my issues before concentrating on the relationship. Try and make yourself trustworthy, don't be pressuring her with how intense your feelings are for her, or what where you want to go with her. Instead, just be there for her. Help her gain her confidence in herself if you truly love her. Tell her you don't want to scare her off and that you want to take it easy. Also, don't isolate her on your perfect "love isle" - I remeber the first phase of when you're inlove is not to want to share your partner with no one else. You can introduce her to your friends, to new people who can see her for what she is, not judge her from her past. New people who like and respect her will do her good. Again, space, freedome and support. And a new life! It has to work for you two!!!! I keep my fingers cossed, just in case.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbilly Posted May 6, 2004 Author Share Posted May 6, 2004 Thanks curly, pap. I have no intentions of pressuring her. I want her to feel safe with me, but it's hard when she won't answer my mail or calls. I know she's worried that i'm going to hurt her or something. She is my friend, probably the only one i really have right now! Believe me, i'm not judging her; i don't care about her past. I just don't know how to get the message across that i'm not going to hurt her, i'm not going to disappoint her, i'm not going to pressure her, i'm not going to leave her, I love and appreciate everything about her. All I want to do right now is give her a shoulder to lean on, but i can't get her to take it. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 You're just going to have to take the lead int he relationship. Send flowers, take her out for movies, go shopping together. Do stuff! When people are depressed they cocoon themselves and avoid contact - so don't take it personally. You have to be persistent, break through that cocoon and draw her out - she'll be glad you did. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 I don't know if it's the time or woman to take the lead. You know best. My suggestion is not to pressure her. Write her an email saying you want to give her time to trust you because you are not going to leave, you want to give her space only so that she understands the beautiful human being she is. Than let her came to you. If nothing happenes,after a week or so, find out something she adores doing - if she love photography take her to an exibit, if she loves "the Age of Innocence" rent the film, in she's into concerts... you get the picture. Not just flowers and "let's dine!". Show her you are truly preocupated by her, attentive to her preferences and needs. I, as a woman, couldn't be more flattered to see a man actually looking at me, not at my body, social status or things around me that he finds interesting etc. MAke her feel special, but easily and smoothly. This is not the type of woman to siege with flowers and chocolate bombones... My 2 cents, anyway CurlyIam Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 Curly, I think that if he keeps his distance she's gonna think he's just like the rest, and it's gonna make things worse. I agree that the pressure should be light, but it has to be there, and it has to be constant. Billy has to reinforce the idea in her head of her being important to him. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 I don't know what to say. Probably the right answer is somewhere between the two stategies. It's Billy's shot, as he feels which one is more appropiate. I maintain my "no invation" suggestion. When someone is really really down, it's obvious that person needs help. But the condition is for the person to want to be helped, to allow others to give their support. On their own time. He needs to catch her rythm - understand untill where to push her. I end my post with this: "one has to want to be saved in order to be saved". Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbilly Posted May 7, 2004 Author Share Posted May 7, 2004 Thank you all so very much for your responses, I have just been e-mailing her to death for the last two days; i thing i've sen t her about thirty messages! We don't live close enough to each other to go out all the time; takes quite a drive! Yesterday she finally responded to me (thank God) and told me that she wasn't writing me because she was so ashamed of herself. I actually thought I had lost her for good. I bought her a few gifts yesterday that i'm going to mail her as soon as i can, maybe that will help convince her that i'm really serious about her. Maybe for right now i just need to be really supportive and wait for her to come around. I would like to ask you all one more question though? When a woman sends a man a poem saying something about all the stars and grains of sand could never match up to the amount of her love for me, (this is going to sound stupid). Is this something a woman will say if she dosen't really mean it? (It's too long to write the poem on here) Will she say something like and just be playing me? Or does she really mean it? Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 I am so glad you took PApillion'a advice!!!! I am even more glad it worked !! I think if she wrote it, she means it! The most thrilling part of any relationship is the beggining, I so love it. Enjoy it, she seems to be a very very nice and sincere person! Link to post Share on other sites
RedneckRomeo Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 When a woman sends a man a poem saying something about all the stars and grains of sand could never match up to the amount of her love for me, (this is going to sound stupid). Is this something a woman will say if she dosen't really mean it? I tend to agree that if she wrote the poem, and took the time to send it to you, then she means it. Most people write poems from their heart - not in order to manipulate people. Especially since it was a long one - its likely from her heart and she wanted to make sure you understood what she meant by it, how she was feeling, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbilly Posted May 21, 2004 Author Share Posted May 21, 2004 i don't know if anyone would be interested in an update, but here goes. Our relationship got alot worse before it finally got better, we almost broke-up. Now our relationship is unbelievable, and getting stronger everyday. I think we have really hit it off. Every time i talk to her on the phone, i can hear her sigh uncontrollably, and she dosen't even know she is doing it. She always tells me that my voice makes her feel so good, and the other day she said she thought she was falling in love with me too (she said it first.) However, right now her mother is dying of breast cancer, so i haven't gotten much time to talk to her lately. She seems to be holding up well, but i know it's bothering her deeply inside. I don't know what to do, i just know i want to do or say something really deep for her; i just don't know what. I think i'm falling in love with this woman, which i find to be astonishing. I don't generally feel anything for such attractive women; i usually just try to avoid them. This woman is different though, i think about her almost all day long. Wow, i never thought i would feel this way again, i guess i should thank my lucky stars that it could happen twice in a lifetime. Does anyone have any ideas concerning her mother, i would be grateful if someone could give me some ideas thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
dan_kenney2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 You just need to be there when the worst happens, just try to be there for her, it will be be hard for you seeing her distressed but just being there will make her feel better, dont try to force things and let them take there course Link to post Share on other sites
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