My father hates my boyfriend, has disowned me

[Wilde]

HI all,

 

I am exhausted by my relationship to my father. We have always been very close, I am an only child and quite a lot like him- we are both artists, tempermental, emotional, unconventional people.

 

For me, this extended to how I lived my life in the past.. travelling on the heels of my best friend, chasing studios from city to city, some decision I regret like everyone else, but I would never take those years back. 3 years ago, my father, out of the blue, told me I would never make it as an artist. I didn't have what it takes, I should chose another career, something more "acceptable" to him, which is ironic considering his own career and values. He told me in a heated argument that if I went to Belfast I shouldn't bother coming back.. I was devestated and actually, confused by his hosility. Our relationship has never been the same..

 

While I was in Belfast, my mother ran into an old friend of hers and mine and told him he should email me. He did, I emailed back, it became a wonderful romance that eventually turned into a relationship.. we have been together for almost 4 years now, ironically moved home, to where we both are from, to be closer to our families and live a simpler life.

 

From day 1, dad has taken issue with James.. the fact that he has 3 children and has been married twice/ is widely known as having trouble with alcohol - these are understandable concerns. But to call him "notorious", "manipulative" and says he is not part of our "tribe" (which I take to mean not an intellectual), that I am making a mistake, and as long as I am with him, I can forget about coming home, and further I can forget about an inheritance.. this is all bizarre behaviour.. again with the disowning.

 

For one, dad has met James once, years ago, at Christmas. I thought we had a lovely dinner, so did James, and afterward he sent my father an email to say thanks and it was nice to meet you, which was completely misread by dad, of course. He was "insulted" on a number of accounts by how friendly/ assuming James was. I argued this was not the intention, stood my ground. On a later holiday I mentioned my intention to visit Marty, James' brother, that evening, that I wasn't sleeping over, and dad chased me out of the house. I will never forget the negative energy coming from him that night.. I was called a slut, a liar, two faced, that he will never see my face on his property again as long as he lives. He then bullied my crying mother back into the house, and I left. The next day I received an email that all of my things, my "****ty art", books etc. were waiting for me to pick up, and they'd go to the dump if I didn't. So, James and his father went to get it. Nice eh?

 

Now, what did I do, did we do, to deserve this treatment? I'm at a loss. After the shock of this encounter I didn't speak to him for over a year. I have had to swallow harassing emails, and telephone calls, rants, finally opting to get on with things and ignore him until he made some honest move in the perspective department, hoping he might come around and apologise to me, most importantly. In my mind he needed to accept my decisions.. it mattered not whether he thought James was a great guy, I just wanted the respect and space to live my life.

 

My father did finally call, and apologise almost 2 years later. We have had some honest conversations as adults, now, I found that he talked to me as though I was a mature woman after all of this, having to stand my ground like that takes strength, he's right. I approached my father with no mention of James, not even touching on the topic of my relationship, feeling very protective of my private life.. it seemed to be working, and I enjoyed the company of my parents for 2 months almost as though we had moved beyond this. But no! No.. now again, I received an email telling me to not bother helping him in the garden, in fact to not bother coming around the house again because it is apparent I am "in deep" with this "Collins boy" and he wants nothing to do with me. He says even thinking about what I've said to James about him and our family makes him sick, oh, and forget inheriting the house if I continue my relationship.

 

So, here I am again, and to be honest I'm exhausted. My mother loves him dearly, and stands by him as much as she can, saying he is sensitive, and over reactive. Apparently small things that I do, such as answer the phone while on a bike ride with James, I sounded quick to hang up I guess, will be blown out of proportion. It seems as though I can't do anything right, save pay 100% attention to my father 100% of the time. I am 31, and getting on with life.. I am happy. James has stood by me though all of this, careful to keep his opinions to himself, and I have had to protect him, also, from all of this. Like fighting a war on both fronts. Since this last email from dad, I havent responded to him. Not because I dont love him, but managing my relationship with him has become impossible. If I crawl back to my father, again, and try to repair things, again, I know I will face another problem down the road. I wont end my realtionship with a wonderful man because my father wishes I would.. and if he is so concerned for my well being, what is the point in punishing me? I feel as though I cannot make that man happy, and it is not up to me to do so, either. Impossible scenario.

 

I worry because I am emotional, and very connected to people I love. Even while not taking too my father, I think about him all of the time. I miss him. I want to look after him, make things right.. it's in my nature. On the flip side, the insults, accusations and negativity from him really effect me, and further, it's effecting how I view my relationship. And my mother.. I can't stand to see her go through this. She tells me it could take years.

 

Basically, I dont know what to do. I think he needs help, I think my mother is in denial about his issues, not wanting to "stir the pot" at home by standing up to him, and councils me to stand back and leave him alone.

[Emilia]

I'm not sure there is much you can do. My former father-in-law was like this to his own children. Some people never grow up and it sounds like your father has retained his inner child and tantrums as an adult, it probably doesn't help that your mother isn't strong enough to influence him in the right direction.

 

I do understand about your need to be connected to those you love because I suffer from that sometimes myself but the only way to handle this is by creating a healthy distance. As long as your father is close to you, he will make continuous attempts at controling you. You are an adult and that sometimes means making hard decision to protect your boundaries and those that are innocently caught up in selfish and unnecessary drama

[darkangel1308]

I don't think there's much you can do, either, at his age, you're not going to change the way he thinks. He's met your boyfriend and still dislikes him, just because he's divorced and has kids?

 

With that said, I second everything Emilia said.

 

I'm like you in a lot of way. I'm also emotional and I, too feel a need to be connected to the people I love. My mother is like your dad...she doesn't like my boyfriend just because of his nationality. She refuses to meet him, and though she hasn't threatened me with anything yet (like disowning me), she constantly tells me he's not right for me and I have no future with him (even though he is quite well-off financially). In fact, she refuses to accept him as anything more than "my good friend".

 

The only thing you can do is to limit your contact with him, but don't cut off contact with him completely. I've lived away from my mother before and yes, I missed her and I thought about her, and I want to help her out, as well. But you do sometimes have to do things that are difficult. It was extremely hard for me...while I lived with my mom and began dating my boyfriend, she constantly put him down and said negative things about people of his nationality and about men in general. I've moved out now, but it's hard for me not to feel guilty when she wants me to come home.