rebound relationships

[philip]

can anybody ellaborate on the term 'rebound relationship' and what its dynamics are?? how long does it take for a person to be able to recover from an earlier relationship before he can safely assume he is not gettin into a 'reboud relationship'?? just some intangibles i would like to make tangible......

[Tony T]

A rebound, or transitional, relationship is one entered into where the love of the previous person is basically transfered onto another convenient person. The purpose of doing this, consciously or subconsciously, is usually to minimize pain by taking a person's mind off of the breakup.

 

They usually don't work because the affection is not genuine, but rather belongs to the person who is missed but delivered to the person who happens to be there and who is convenient.

 

Sadly, many are not aware that they are rebounds because they are told by the person who is hurting. In many cases, the rebounding party ends up breaking the person's heart by going back to the previous lover.

 

Love is very state specific. If we fall in love with someone while we are on drugs, for instance, if we dry up and go straight, that love usually disappears. Alcholic couples very often break up after one of them gets into a recovery program because their state of mind changes.

 

Thus, in a rebound situation, it was entered into in a state of hurt. Once the person is emotionally together again, the relationship is reviewed and since the same dynamics that caused us to enter into the relationship in the first place are no longer there...because our mind state has changed...we usually don't find too much to keep us there.

 

Rebounding can take place in other forms, such as smothering ourselves with dates with various women, seeking out previous lovers, etc. The concept is basically that of immersing ourselves in another person or in many people to avoid having to face the full pain of a breakup.

 

In any case, the pain has to be dealt with sooner or later. Strategies to delay or eliminate the healing process, even if it's drinking heavily, are not productive or successful. The pain has to be felt. It is devastating for the parties if that pain is carried over to another relationship.

 

How long does it take to recover from a previous relationship? That really depends on the person and the depth of feelings involved. Some people "seem" to get over them pretty quickly. Oddly, I have found that men seem to be more emotionally devastated than women, but I attribute that to the fact that women usually start their emotional withdrawal and healing process while they are still in the relationship and are often over it not long after its official ending. The dumb guys, who sensed little of the withdrawal except to make superficial complaints, are shocked and devastated by the ending.

 

There is no way to say how long the healing process will take in any given time for any given person. Everybody's different. But every person usually knows when they are ready to move on to new adventures.

 

I hope I have helped and I encourage others to give their take and perspectives on the subject.

 

To me, a more significant question to ponder is why we are so hurt and devastated after the ending of a relationship that was not productive, where the person didn't really care, and even where there may have been verbal, emotional or physical abuse. Although getting away from those would normally be cause for celebration, they often cause intense sorrow.

[Jenna]

Philip,

 

Can we assume that you are trying to figure out if YOU are on the rebound? I think we have all been there- but the funny thing is- at the time -we don't really know that we are there. Of course everyone else around you knows- your family, friends and possibly the ex.

 

There is no set time that must go by before you can safely enter another relationship after a break-up. I imagine that some people don't experience the "rebound"at all- these people are most likely ones that were not emotionally attached to anyone in the first place.

 

People (like me) that have had a painful break-up, sometimes just want the comfort of knowing that someone is there- to hold them, talk to them, it makes the separation from the loved one a little less painful. Although this is great for the "rebounder"- the "reboundee" may end up with the short end of the stick. If you suspect that you may be on the rebound, there isn't a thing wrong with seeing other people. Just be responsible about their feelings as well as yours. Be honest from the beginning, tell your new interest that you have been through a recent break-up and need to take things slowly so you that your feelings for her are not mixed up with the feelings for the ex.

 

My opinion is that- people need to "get back on the horse"-not immediately -but eventually. This fact alone-means that there will be rebound relationships- its part of the process. Good luck! Jenna

can anybody ellaborate on the term 'rebound relationship' and what its dynamics are?? how long does it take for a person to be able to recover from an earlier relationship before he can safely assume he is not gettin into a 'reboud relationship'?? just some intangibles i would like to make tangible......

[Deejette]

You know that line from the song, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with?" For several years I couldn't bear the pain of not being in a relationship, so I would line them up and bounce from one to another. But what Tony says is true. There is only one way to really get through the pain and that is to live through it and come out the other side knowing that it did not kill you and that it even made you stronger.

 

Trying to hide the pain in bouncing from relationship to relationship is like sweeping the dust under the carpet. The mountain of dust becomes so high you trip over it and fall flat on your face. You don't know why you are not really happy in the rebound situation and may leave it for another.

 

As Jenna says, it is the poor rebounded-to person who suffers the most because she is competing with an idealized ghost that is still haunting you.

Philip, Can we assume that you are trying to figure out if YOU are on the rebound? I think we have all been there- but the funny thing is- at the time -we don't really know that we are there. Of course everyone else around you knows- your family, friends and possibly the ex. There is no set time that must go by before you can safely enter another relationship after a break-up. I imagine that some people don't experience the "rebound"at all- these people are most likely ones that were not emotionally attached to anyone in the first place. People (like me) that have had a painful break-up, sometimes just want the comfort of knowing that someone is there- to hold them, talk to them, it makes the separation from the loved one a little less painful. Although this is great for the "rebounder"- the "reboundee" may end up with the short end of the stick. If you suspect that you may be on the rebound, there isn't a thing wrong with seeing other people. Just be responsible about their feelings as well as yours. Be honest from the beginning, tell your new interest that you have been through a recent break-up and need to take things slowly so you that your feelings for her are not mixed up with the feelings for the ex. My opinion is that- people need to "get back on the horse"-not immediately -but eventually. This fact alone-means that there will be rebound relationships- its part of the process. Good luck! Jenna