Starnette83 Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 Ok...i really am not being a happy person at all...instead my self esteem is super low, i look uglier then ever, im unhealthy, breaking out, and just always sleepy and low....ugh!! and im starting to feel my bf is part of the big problem, and i feel this way cos im always conmstantly thinking about him..but not in a good way..im always stressing our relationships...and times i just wanna break down and cry cos i feel like he doesnt care about me...the thing is that ive been with him 3 years and 5months, im 21 and hes 20...i love him so much and we were eachothers first, and first love..but few months ago we broke up cos he was curious to be with other girl, then later we got back and he told me that he didnt love me anymore and tried breaking up with me..but then we got back, well i havent heard him say he loves me since january and i doubt he ever will.... anyways why am i with him? cos i love him so much, and hes the only person i talk to and feel so close to, also cos im so comfty with him and i truly doubt i can ever feel and be so close to someone.... Well anyways besides him not telling me he loves me anymore, he also watches alot of porn on his comp, even after we have already had sex and i leave his place..ugh:( this upsets me so much and i told him how much it bothers me but his excuse is "Its better i watch porn, then go and be with other girls"..ugh this bugs me and i think its a STUPID excuse..anyways besides that everytime i talk about being commited to one another..he doesnt want to..and doesnt wanna talk about it..and like i told him..im not asking fora ring, or marriage right now, i just want someone who loves me and i love back and that i know they only wanna be with me... anyways i really feel that this relationship has made me uglier, more negative, more unhappy, and just more UGH!!!...even though i do love him, and wish he would say he loves me too..im starting to think that i rather go through pain of not being with him, then being in such stress likei am right now..anyone have advice, comments????? how do u leave the one u love?? and if i leave what am i suppose to say when al i really wanna say is "I LOVE YOU BUT YOU DONT! AND I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE AND EVEN THOUGH I LOVE U I NEED TO GO!!"...anyways please comment..ugh..and will he ever change?? will he ever be sorry for what hes done??or is he really that careless about it... Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 My take on it is that you don't really love him, but that you are emotionally dependent on this relationship because of your self-esteem problems, the dependency is decreasing your self-steem, which makes you more dependent, and so on. It's a vicious cycle, so typical of unhealthy relationships. I think you should get out, but remember this - when you decide to make that leap, you're going to start thinking it isn't so bad and then look for excuses to stay. BEWARE OF THAT TRAP. Mark my words. As for the porn thing, it's pathetic. Get out while you still can. You are your own person and you don't need anyone to survive and be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 That was excellent advice from Papillon! Read it a few times, ok? You've been together (off and on) for three years and he hasn't told you that he loves you in 4 months? Everyone deserves to be with someone that is loving and affectionate. I, too, think you are dependent on him/your relationship with him. Loving him is not even an issue right now. Whether or not you love him, he is not making you feel good about yourself. Intentional or not. Helping yourself is the issue. You have to break yourself of this dependence! You were your own person before he came along, and you will still be your own person when he's gone. I will suggest counseling, again. Good luck. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted May 6, 2004 Author Share Posted May 6, 2004 thank you, this addvice helps,. i do think im dependant on him and because he cant really make me that happy i get upset, when instead i should try to make myself happy...where can i get counseling??? cos i know i need it, ive tried letting go before but i always fall back...everyone tells me why dont i just move on and let it go...but they dont see how hard it is for me, ive tried, and i think about it everyday but ..its just the hardest thing to do... cos even though im nto that happy being with him, im even more miserable without him, and the thought of him being with another girl...ugh it pains me so much in my heart!!...i just wish my feelings for him would fade and thaqt i wouldnt care about him and another girl..but i do..i care alot!!!....i dunno...i just sometimes feel cornered and with no way of getting out of this situation, i want him so much to prove to me he lvoes me but its not gonna happen, not as long as i remain...ive waited enough and i know he cant commit, and he needs to experience i guess, and i really am tired of feeling so little...i feel like i have no control of things and i hate it!! i just want to feel good abiout myself, and not compare myself to all the girls..and feel even worse about me..ugh...i just wish someone can gimma a step by step guide on how to do this..im trying so hard not to call him right now....and i will try to not call him the whole day today and just wait til he calls....either way this sux!./.. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha16 Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 I just wanted to say, you said you wished you had a step by step guide on how to do this. That may not exist, but you can have a person to do this step by step with. Do you have a certain best friend that can be with you through this? Through each one of my breakups I had someone there for me just about everyday. It makes it a whole lot easier. If you're going to do this, don't do it alone. Try not to mope in your house alone or in bed all the time. Get out and always have someone around. I too went through not wanting to leave someone that I cared so much about. I liked him sooo much, but I knew he didn't feel the same. I didn't get what I needed/ wanted/ deserved out of the relationship. So I left him. I have to admit, part of me thought if I left him, he'd realize what he was losing and come back to me. He didn't. I had some regret in me, and I was even more sad when I realized he wasn't coming back. But you know what? It wasn't long after when I knew I made the best desision. I was so much happier and was even able to laugh about it. I just felt sooo good. We get over it. Now, three and a half years later, I am happy in a 'real' relationship, and he's still a scumbag who cheats on his current g/f. So, there you go. You may regret it at first, but whatever happens, not only will you get over it, you'll become a stronger, happier, more confident person. You will grow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted May 6, 2004 Author Share Posted May 6, 2004 THANXZ SAMANTHA. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted May 6, 2004 Author Share Posted May 6, 2004 anyways its over now...gosh! i imed him online with another sn long time ago, to talk and see how he acted btu then i never imed him again and didnt go on the s/n til today...i went on it today to see if he would IM me, well he did...he imed me and started talking to me- he thought i was some girl- he didndt know it was me...then i asked him "ru taken" and he said "No im free like a bird"...i got so pissed that i couldnt help it but say "**** YOU THEN"...then he said what? and i said "**** YOU ITS OVER"...and i signed off..he then called my cell..cos i guess he realized it was me.. and well i picked up but he just said my name and i didnt let him speak..i just said "GOODBYE" and hung up, then he tried calling me twice afterwards but i didnt pick up.... ugh i got so mad that i began taking everything out of my closet and cleaning it out....im so pissed inside yet i knew he woul;d do this..its so obvious..that part of me is juist like "SCREW THIS ****!!"...i dunno even though im pissed inside and like im so glad i broke it up...part of me is having a hard time dealing with it..im still in denial sometimes..."LIKE HOW THE HELL CAN HE DO THIS AFTER 3 1/2 years???" but then im like "SCREW THOSE 3 years, he aint there for me now and i dont need to keep wasting my time on his pathetic unappreciative ass who just wants to exploe with other chicks".... Gosh part of me cares if he wants me back, i kinda want him to beg me and me say no, but then part of me is like who cares if he wants me back or not, and if he doesnt i shouldnt feel bad or unworthy cos of it....Im just annoyed cos i know i have to see him at school and thats where i hit my weakest points, when i see him i know its hard, and when im at school its super hard cos im so used to hanging with him..and this weekend is coming and we already had plans..but now???ugh and what i hate the most is that i dont have friends to make me feel better..i have to do this on my own!!! I just think that in the long run things will be better for me, and for him- well i shouldnt even care...i know that i gave him so much, that he was my only one my heart and mind was focused on..but he doesnt realize it..he never will i guess..and its either i keep putting up with his **** or move on.....I JUST AM SO SICK OF IT...i dont wanna hear his voice, i dont wanna see his face..i wanna have as much distance..cos nothing he sais or does can erase what he said today to that girkl online who Was ME but he didnt know..and all the **** hes put me through..like porn, and looking for girls online, and telling me he cares for me but doesnt love me..screw this ****...why the hell am i even writing about him????its time i move on!! a hard move but ...its better then staying here the way i have for such a long time..he dont dereve me and even though im left with no self esteem....one day i will open my eyes and see how much better i am without him ( i hope) ugh!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted May 6, 2004 Author Share Posted May 6, 2004 a few hours have passed since i broke up with him, but damn i cant stop thinking about him, ugh...how can he do this????? how can he say he cares when hes always out there looking to be with another girl, gosh i just want to hate him!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 Hah! Caught red handed! Obviously he will try and crawl back, the slimy bastard. See? You really really need to get away from this guy, and while it may not be the healthiest thing to do, focus on the anger you felt. Put a big note on the fridge saying "MY EX-BOYFRIEND IS A LYING, CHEATING, DISRESPECTFUL SON OF A BITCH WHO DOES NOT DESERVE SOMEONE OF MY CALIBRE". You'll get over him in no time at all. And we'll be here to support you all the way!! Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted May 7, 2004 Author Share Posted May 7, 2004 thank you Papillion, i really need u all more then anything..yes he was caught..and well he hasnt called me since those last 2 attempts where i didnt pick up...ugh..i cant sleep and im here listening to evanescence..its hard,.cos i am pissed at him but i get these moments like now where i feel sad, and geesh we had plans to hang out on saturday at his place, watch a dvd in his room, make love and eat sushi:(..now theres nothign..but why the hell do i care?? HE RUINED IT!!! hes ruined it by being selfish, careless, and always busy trying to find another girl when he had a girl who loved him so much in front of his face!!! ugh...i hope that i can be strong, im scared of sleeping cos i know ill see him in my dreams, i always do...and im so scared cos i know imma see him on monday at school and even in class..it will be such a setback..i know imma cry...but ugh i wanna be pissed enough to jsut say "SCREW YOU"..anyways imma listen 2 more music n then lay down... laters Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 The first few days, weeks and months are harsh ... especially when you really care about him. So find other things to do. Take a walk, read a book, do things you enjoy with your friends, and hey, its almost summer! You deserve to be treated so much better than he did. You deserve to be happy, to be and feel loved, and you deserve to feel better about yourself. Start concentrating on all those things you don't like about yourself and start changing them. One at a time. Everyone deserves to have a good cry over a broken relationship, but don't let that be all you do. And if you find yourself thinking about him, try to think about or do something different. It will get better in time, I swear it. Best of luck... I know you can get through this. You have already proved how strong you are by walking away. Link to post Share on other sites
tom_gbr Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 i think one of the main reasons that i want my ex back is because of that self esteem issue.....my ex was the first girl that i have ever loved and the first girl that ive been with intamately as well...she was so attractive, guys would constantly stare at her. i think thats why im still hoping......she was so amazing and she loved me...i really think i wont be able to get a girl like her again...she had the funniest personality as well but did get very irratable when she was tired and gave her a short temper. i think i do still love her....i must do as im thinking about her all the time.....we have been broken up for two months now. i do want to move on but im finding it so hard right now Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted May 7, 2004 Author Share Posted May 7, 2004 (thanxz so much) ya well last night i fell asleep as i listened to some music...then i dram about him- I KNEW IT..in the dream he was driving a nice silver convertible car, looking super cool and then we were like talking, i was outside his car while he was in the driving seat and i dunno what we were talkingabout but he was in front of my house when i had his hand, and i slipped it away and walked away and told him "I wont let you humiliate me anymore"....then that was it for that dream, dont know really what it means.. anyways later i dram of me at a party with some other guy and just going basically crazy!! and that i had lost my cell phone and iw as so upset i had lost mycell phone cos then i would never know if my bf-ex bf whatever to call him, would call me or not, basically iwas thinking "OH NO NOW HOW WILL I EVER KNOW IF HE WILL CALL OR NOT"..anyways then i woke up... now im here in my comp and my bf is online but not with his s/n but an old old s/n, he hasnt gone it for a long time so i dunno why hes on it..hmm....i blocked his other s/n though...maybe hes on this old one cos he thinks i dont have it in my buddylist and therefore wont block it.. ugh anyways its day #2 and im feeling a bit blue since i woke up...just mopping around without energy to do much, i wanna go to the gym but i dunno if i can work out, lately i just feel so off about me!!,.....this sux especiallyc os its friday and i have no one to go out with, i used to only go out with him:(...anyways ..ill update later!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted May 8, 2004 Author Share Posted May 8, 2004 gosh i thought he would call and say something like "im sorry" or atleast attempt to talk to me, even if it means not me picking up... i dunno if ya know why i broke up , but i broke up with him yesterday cos i caught him online saying "IM AS FREE AS A BIRD" when it came to if he was taken..anyways..u can read on my earlier post and get more detail... anyways its DAY 2...and he hasnt tried contacting me, i wont dare call him, i have no reason why to, i broke up with him cos hes lied to my face, he promised he wouldnt try hooking up with girls online anymore, and he also made me feel like i was the crazy one imagining things making me feel guilty... anyways though part of me is pissed , i cant help but be sad...liek why the hell is he doign this to us?? we have such a good thing together, we laugh, have fun and are super close..yet his stupid inability to commit is seperating us... what is on his mind????? is he embarrassed to call cos he knows what he did was stupid?? or he really doesnt give a ****en ****??? i dunno if he didnt give a **** then why did he try last week when i gave him the cold shoulder over me finding his name on a rate hookup site...please help!!! UGHHHH Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE BASTARD!!!! What difference does it make what he does? Yes, he owes you an apology. But even if he gives in and apologizes, you woud be a fool to take him back. You've won your freedom and paid for it with pain, heartbreak and tears. You've earned it. Don't squander it by focusing on the slimeball. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted May 8, 2004 Share Posted May 8, 2004 I agree with Papillon! Reread the above. Don't waste your time waiting for his phone call. Move forwards to doing things with your friends and family. Read, reread Sportsloving's post. It will all be worth it after a while. It just takes time and patience to get through the bad part, the break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted May 8, 2004 Author Share Posted May 8, 2004 ugh it sux, last night i could not sleep, i kept waking in the middle of the night just to cry, moan, and talk to him as though he was with me saying from nice things to mean things such as "I HATE YOU HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME, US, I WILL MAKE U FEEL LIKE **** WHEN I SEE YOU AND U WILL SEE IM DETERMINED TO GET OVER YOU" to saying "HOLD ME AND NEVER LET GO OF ME< PLEASE, DONT DO THIS, I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!"...i was buzzed though..i had drank earlier cos i had gone to a club earlier... ugh let me tell u about the club moment, i went with a guy friend, we first sat down, he likes me i dont..anyways i let him hug me in the sofa cos i was down, but i was buzzed so all of a sudden i began thinking about my ex and tears came flowing down my eyes, i coudlnt help it..but then i told myself NO I CANT CRY..and i hit the dance floor..i guess dancing helped alot..i went and danced alone cos the guy i went to idoesnt like to dance..anyways i had fun dancing alone, but at times i wanted to cry but i didnt let myself..... anyways many guys came and dance with me but i didnt like any of em so i tried to get away from them, i just wanted to BE ALONE!!! ugh!!! then later that night i saw some guy and i approached him to dance, and we danced..that was alot of fun..plus he was cute and inside all i can think was "SEE STUPID EX NOW IM HERE HAVING FUN WITH SOMOENE ELSE THAT AINT U, BASTARD"....ugh its like i couldnt get the EX out of my mind even though i was having fun....(anyways that guy and i traded #'s seemed like he liked me) anyways when i came home and tried to sleep thats when the crying began...ugh..i felt so off...i had my cell phone but my anger didnt let me call him...i knew that if i called him id go back to square one and id let him win, i aint gonna let him win!!! i have to reject him, the way hes hurt me he deserves it....anyways...ugh today is 3rd day no contact:( Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 Let it be, Starnette. I know it's hard, but let it be. In fact, let it go and give it a kick up the ass to send it on its way. You ***WILL*** get over this. Trust us. You're gonna look back on this in 3 months' time and think "What the hell was I so broken up for?". It's wonderful that you went out and did something on your own - I would be very encouraged by being approached by guys. Just don't go and do something "foolish" on the rebound Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starnette83 Posted May 11, 2004 Author Share Posted May 11, 2004 well its weird..i go through my ups and downs, but this time its over...im not taking him back..and we dont talk anymore..(5th day no contact) even though we have the same class..kinda sad..but owell..ugh...anyways right now im talking to a guy..and who knows...he seems really nice and im hoping i like him...cuz so far he seems to like me:)...anyways i still love my bf in my heart..but thats my lil secret he will NEVER EVER Know how much i love him... i will never call him..not even for his bday..mean and suckey..but well he did this..he pushed me away! Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 Do you really love him? Or do you just miss him? Link to post Share on other sites
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