White Flower Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Well, I just think having the aforementioned friends could be a double-edged sword. If they'll keep a secret like that FOR you, they most likely will keep a secret FROM you too. I mean, if they don't care about M or commitment, why would they tell? The saying "if you lie with dogs, you'll wake up with fleas" comes to mind. Not sure the kind of friends you keep but I've never had a RL friend turn on me. Who said anyone is keeping a secret for me? You're assuming things. But let's say they have; would it make sense for them to change a pattern? If so, why? Explain to me how your friends have done this because I've never seen it and I've been around the block a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Not sure the kind of friends you keep but I've never had a RL friend turn on me. Who said anyone is keeping a secret for me? You're assuming things. But let's say they have; would it make sense for them to change a pattern? If so, why? Explain to me how your friends have done this because I've never seen it and I've been around the block a few times. You're comparing apples and giraffes, WF. This poster went to great lengths to hide her affair, including spinning huge yarns (or not, I've lost track) on an Internet forum to cover the trail. We won't be able to understand that and she won't be able to understand the lack of secrecy in our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 True... But this is assuming that WF cares whether or not her partner sneaks around behind her back...if she doesn't care (although if she doesn't then he would be wasting time sneaking around, when he could just flaunt it) then friends telling or not telling wouldn't matter. However, if she does care, then it could be problematic. Or perhaps they value every other type of relationship so long as it isn't the dreaded 4 horned beast called marriage...so they'd hurriedly tell if her A partner was out with another OW or if her bf was with another...just not her husband! Maybe they think had she not married and succumbed to "the institution" they would have had a great relationship so it's probably her fault and serve her right, so they won't say a word.Actually, MM is still trying to overcome the fact that I had a SG during one of our splits. It affected him more deeply than anyone could imagine. His friends tell me he was inconsolable when he found out. It works both ways sister, I have no worries. As long as he has a golden penis, I have a magical vagina. And with that I'd say my self-esteem is in pretty good order! Now can we get back OT? My apologies to the OP who started an interesting thread. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 You're comparing apples and giraffes, WF. This poster went to great lengths to hide her affair, including spinning huge yarns (or not, I've lost track) on an Internet forum to cover the trail. We won't be able to understand that and she won't be able to understand the lack of secrecy in our lives. I'd almost forgotten about that SG, you're right. I guess I'm just too open to understand that kind of thinking. And I guess my friends are too accepting about witnessing the harmony of true love instead of wanting to boarder patrol MPs into staying in a stagnant R until death. Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I guess this: I don't agree that it creates a skewed picture of affairs. Even the people I know in affairs that don't post have the same sad/sob stories to report. Some people just refuse to put their person business on the internet. ...is addressed by this: My thoughts as well. We tend to hang around people who are like us and think similarly. ...so requires no further comment. Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 It would seem that this: How can someone who's in an affair with a MM or MW maintain any level of self-esteem when they have to live a lie? -can't admit to your friends or family that the one you love is actually married How can they maintain self-esteem when they have to deal with the fact that: -their MW/MM will be spending important holidays with their spouse and family while their OW/OM will be spending it alone? -their MW/MM is still sleeping in the same bed with their spouse, still having sex with them and sharing intimacy? How can one maintain self-esteem when they have to consider that they're nothing but secret sloppy seconds? -they are a dirty little secret? ...contradicts this: (And BTW, if a response is made by the affair booster who claims that her A was not built on lies even though everyone in sight was working hard to deceive the wife, then please accept that your "healthy, honest, respectable" A is far outside the norm and don't bother to reply , "Not my A!" as if that were a valuable data point.) ...and this: Well, I just think having the aforementioned friends could be a double-edged sword. If they'll keep a secret like that FOR you, they most likely will keep a secret FROM you too. I mean, if they don't care about M or commitment, why would they tell? How can an OW be a "dirty little secret" unable to "admit to friends and family that the one [they] love is actually married", when "everyone in sight [is] working hard to deceive the wife" and "keep[ing] a secret like that for you"? I suppose this absence of logic is best explained by this: My thoughts as well. We tend to hang around people who are like us and think similarly. I guess if everyone in your circle is drinking the same Kool-Aid then even the least logical arguments "make sense" since the reinforce the opinions you already hold so fervently. Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 You're comparing apples and giraffes, WF. This poster went to great lengths to hide her affair, including spinning huge yarns (or not, I've lost track) on an Internet forum to cover the trail. We won't be able to understand that and she won't be able to understand the lack of secrecy in our lives. Why would someone want to lie about their behaviour, if it was consistent with their morals and values? Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 With that said, there are posters who have graduated from an affair to a relationship with the former ap who also have the same viewpoint in that an affair was not a healthy relationship and some are brave enough to share their real life struggles and the special challenges they face because of the affair dynamic in the past. To those who are real and frank and honest, my hat is off to them too. And there are even some who are honest enough to post about how their new R with their fAP is all they'd hoped for, and more! But they don't get the ra-ra responses from those whose As didn't work out the way they'd hoped, perhaps because the possiblity that it can, and does, sometimes work out well for the APs together threatens the fragility of their revisionist worldview? Though I'm sure that those fAPs for whom everything worked out well have enough real life happiness not to need the cheerleading of the disappointed to help them get through the day. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 It would seem that this: ...contradicts this: ...and this: How can an OW be a "dirty little secret" unable to "admit to friends and family that the one [they] love is actually married", when "everyone in sight [is] working hard to deceive the wife" and "keep[ing] a secret like that for you"? I suppose this absence of logic is best explained by this: I guess if everyone in your circle is drinking the same Kool-Aid then even the least logical arguments "make sense" since the reinforce the opinions you already hold so fervently. least logical and Kool -aid.....funny. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 As long as he has a golden penis, I have a magical vagina. :lmao: Never learn my lesson.. Don't drink coffee and read posts on LS at the same time! Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 OW, I trust you are aware that there are other fora for that. Since my post was quoted, I'll assume this was addressed to me. In which case it's incorrect, since I am not an OW. Nor am I a member of yawnville or those other "group-think" Kool-Aid glugging fora you seem so familiar with. I was merely posting on what I read here. Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 don't get me started on coming out from that period "unscathed".... BTW... does anyone out there know how many of those people who believed in "free love" ended up in committed monogamous relationships one things settled down a bit? I would hazard a guess that quite a few of them did. I wonder why this is? Societal requirements, largely. Many of the former hippies I know are now married - some married only very recently, in their sunset years, despite having lived together for decades, children all grown and left, etc. They married in order to give their partners access to their medical aid, or their pension, or their residence rights in another country (moving to warmer climes on retirement). Some married because they took up employment at conservative or religion-based agencies and "living according to the organisation's values" was a pre-condition for their employment. Some married because they wanted to register the children in both parents' names, and to allow the children access to citizenship of both parents' countries. Some married because they landed up having to earn a living in "grown up" jobs where they had to cut their hair and wear conservative clothing and behave in conservative ways, and found themselves adopting conservative lifestyles too. Few countries are liberal enough to grant the exact same rights to cohabiting couples or polyamorous partnerships as they do to married couples. Which matters less when you're young, healthy and unencumbered, and more when you're needing access to benefits denied you because you lack that piece of paper. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 As long as he has a golden penis, I have a magical vagina. :lmao:LMAO!!!! LOVE IT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 As long as he has a golden penis, I have a magical vagina. Every (straight) woman's dream, allegedly, is a man with a chocolate penis that spurts money. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 True. Some people just want to believe every A is a horrible, terrible experience for everyone involved. They are so extremely biased they cannot fathom the reality that it isn't true. Sorry, but thanks for trying. Your consolation prize will be waiting upon your exit. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Those that post that affairs are all evil and bad or often times the same ones who are bitter over the outcome of their A, or are BS's who ended up on the short end. There are posters who have grown and realized... There are posters who have graduated... and have the same viewpoint... Yes. ... and there are people who are in A's or who have been who had no problem with it. ... and there are people who are in A's who did it, ended it, and moved on to something else without a negative view of the A. ... and there are people who were in an A and the outcome, whatever it was, was exactly what they wanted it to be. ... and there are people who were in A's who ended up married to their AP and lived happily ever after (or as happily as any married couple can be) ... and there are people who were in A's and ended it by committing suicide, thus, never posting here about how awful the experience was. So... to get a truer picture, we'd want to look at a broad sample off all people involved in A's, rather than a the limited subset we see on LS. In every single A situation there is at least ONE lying snake. Ah, but as long as she drops her drawers for YOU she's A-OK. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Most of the people I hang with care very much about the institution of marriage, so it could simply be the company you keep. Since your own friends don't care or respect M, you won't expect them to tell you if he ever cheats on you then right? My friends care about integrity and honesty. Not sneaking around like a snake in the grass. Those are the kind of friends I have. Others on here? Not so much it appears. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 With a 50% divorce rate, you must make a lifelong commitment to marriage a condition of friendship, otherwise, you be more like the general population and know many people in your circle who had divorced, at least once, if not multiple times. The institution of M sometimes ends in D. However, one can D honestly and with a smidgen of integrity, or they can be a deceitful POS. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I find it rather incongruous to read about an MM who is supposedly so honest in his A but who had to make phone calls to his OW from a public toilet stall while taking a dump. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 With a 50% divorce rate, you must make a lifelong commitment to marriage a condition of friendship, otherwise, you be more like the general population and know many people in your circle who had divorced, at least once, if not multiple times.Yep, because if my friends find themselves unhappy with their situation, they either work on it or divorce. They don't sneak around and cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Ummm, now that (bolded) gave me a good laugh this morning. Word salad is always amusing. Link to post Share on other sites
JeSuisJoelle Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 My friends care about integrity and honesty. Not sneaking around like a snake in the grass. Those are the kind of friends I have. Others on here? Not so much it appears. Really, luvmy2ns? They don't mind that you snuck around and cheated on your xSO, with a MM? Or don't you tell them about that? And your "sweetie"? Does he know about your past? Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I'm sure that those fAPs for whom everything worked out well have enough real life happiness not to need the cheerleading of the disappointed to help them get through the day.Well, if you really believe this, then logic would dictate that if an AP is so deliriously happy with their A, they needn't be on several support forums for other women hours upon hours a day. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 :lmao: Never learn my lesson.. Don't drink coffee and read posts on LS at the same time! Sorry if you had to clean your monitor this morning WW. and I hope your keyboard doesn't need replacing. Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Well, if you really believe this, then logic would dictate that if an AP is so deliriously happy with their A, they needn't be on several support forums for other women hours upon hours a day. Not everyone is all about take-take-take. Some people who have no "need" are interested in GIVING support. But I guess if you've not met kind or giving people, you'd assume everyone else was only on the take, too? Link to post Share on other sites
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