Being in an affair robs you of your self-esteem?

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Really, luvmy2ns? They don't mind that you snuck around and cheated on your xSO, with a MM?

 

Or don't you tell them about that?

 

And your "sweetie"? Does he know about your past?

 

 

is Donna luvmy2ns?

[White Flower]

Well, if you really believe this, then logic would dictate that if an AP is so deliriously happy with their A, they needn't be on several support forums for other women hours upon hours a day.

 

I suppose that would depend on if they were needing support or offering support.

[White Flower]

is Donna luvmy2ns?

 

One and the same.

[jthorne]

Not everyone is all about take-take-take. Some people who have no "need" are interested in GIVING support.

 

But I guess if you've not met kind or giving people, you'd assume everyone else was only on the take, too?

Sorry, I haven't seen much giving by those of which you speak. I've seen a lot of bickering and defensiveness though.

 

Since I don't care to participate in further derailment of the threads, I'll take my leave.

[Elizabeth Southerns]

Sorry, I haven't seen much giving by those of which you speak.

 

"of whom" is used when referring to people.

 

"of which" is used when referring to objects.

 

Are we to deduce from this that you consider other members here to be mere "things"?? :eek:

[Elizabeth Southerns]

One and the same.

 

So JT and Donna are not friends then?

 

Yep, because if my friends find themselves unhappy with their situation, they either work on it or divorce. They don't sneak around and cheat.

 

This is SO confusing!

Edited September 7, 2011 by Elizabeth Southerns
this is so confusing!

[donnamaybe]

I find it rather incongruous to read about an MM who is supposedly so honest in his A but who had to make phone calls to his OW from a public toilet stall while taking a dump.

...and I would say that's sadly a perfect example of a low self esteem.

[donnamaybe]

Really, luvmy2ns? They don't mind that you snuck around and cheated on your xSO, with a MM?

 

Or don't you tell them about that?

 

And your "sweetie"? Does he know about your past?

Never did that. Sorry, but once again, thanks for trying.

[skywriter]

I can't see someone who doesn't already have low self esteem, suddenly developing it simply because they are involved in an A. A relationship is a relationship. When it comes to what happens in a relationship, there is nothing significantly different just because it's an A.

 

I can provide myself as an example. I am currently an OM. I assure you, there isn't a person in the world who would describe me as having low self esteem. Mentioning the possibility to anyone who knows me would certainly be met with hysterical laughter!

 

The fallacy of A's causing low self esteem is based on the fallacy that the OW/OM is somehow "second". It's not a competition, so, there really is no first and second place, but... for those who *have* to look at it that way, it's the BS who would most likely be being treated as second best. The OW/OM almost always gets the best of the AP.

 

 

I think your situationis different compared to most A's.

 

I have to disagree with you that the OW/OM always gets the best of the AP. But then again, that is indeed how we percieve "the best" to be.

 

...and there again, it depends on how your A is, as well. It wasn't the case in my A.

[Silly_Girl]

I think your situationis different compared to most A's.

 

I have to disagree with you that the OW/OM always gets the best of the AP. But then again, that is indeed how we percieve "the best" to be.

 

...and there again, it depends on how your A is, as well. It wasn't the case in my A.

 

I know that during the affair I got the best of him in the context of it being versus what he was making available for his marriage. But I didn't get the 'best of him' per se because the situation - for a fair period - didn't bring out the best of him by far. Nor me at times, to be fair.

[SoMovinOn]

BTW... does anyone out there know how many of those people who believed in "free love" ended up in committed monogamous relationships one things settled down a bit? I would hazard a guess that quite a few of them did. I wonder why this is?

 

I would guess most of them did... the same way most of the hippies who were going to stick it to the man and change the world, put on suits and ties and became the man, and jumped right into doing more of the same in the same world.

[SoMovinOn]

In every single A situation there is at least ONE lying snake.

 

Ah, but as long as she drops her drawers for YOU she's A-OK.

 

Yeah... I set my expectations very low for you, to try to level things out, so, I can't say I am surprised to see you think all A's are only about sex.

[donnamaybe]

Yeah... I set my expectations very low for you, to try to level things out, so, I can't say I am surprised to see you think all A's are only about sex.

Yeah. You never have sex with your A partner.

 

I got a bridge for sale. Any takers?

[SoMovinOn]

The institution of M sometimes ends in D.

 

Marriage is a lifetime commitment - for better or for worse. One cannot hold true to such a commitment and be OK with such a promise being broken, allowing the M to end in D.

 

But like you said... people lie to themselves in order to be OK with whatever it is they want to be OK with, right?

[SoMovinOn]

Yep, because if my friends find themselves unhappy with their situation, they either work on it or divorce. They don't sneak around and cheat.

 

So... when you promise the rest of your life to someone, for better or for worse, if you find you are simply unhappy, breaking that promise and getting a D is completely acceptable?

 

Interesting. In *my* circle of friends, your word is the only thing you really have. Breaking a promise is one of the worst things you could possibly do.

 

What kind of low life scum bags are you hanging out with??

[skywriter]

I know that during the affair I got the best of him in the context of it being versus what he was making available for his marriage. But I didn't get the 'best of him' per se because the situation - for a fair period - didn't bring out the best of him by far. Nor me at times, to be fair.

 

 

Sorry to go off topic here, so I beg your pardon, but.....

 

(((SG))) I am so happy that everything has worked out for you!

[SoMovinOn]

I think your situationis different compared to most A's.

 

I have to disagree with you that the OW/OM always gets the best of the AP. But then again, that is indeed how we percieve "the best" to be.

 

...and there again, it depends on how your A is, as well. It wasn't the case in my A.

 

Well, that is exactly correct, although, I would say "It depends on how you R is..." because all relationships are different. Some end well, some end poorly, some end somewhere in the middle... and it is all about what happens during the R and how it ends which may or may not have an impact on self esteem.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry to go off topic here, so I beg your pardon, but.....

 

(((SG))) I am so happy that everything has worked out for you!

 

That's so nice!! Thank you very much indeed. Appreciate that.

[SoMovinOn]

Yeah. You never have sex with your A partner.

 

I got a bridge for sale. Any takers?

 

I wash my car, but the reason I own my car is not so I can wash it.

[woinlove]

Can't say I agree with the statement that "the AP almost always gets the best of the MM/MW". The MM I was with were lying to their BS about us, while they continued to live with them and their children as a family. It certainly wasn't the best of MM if one looks over their lives, as most times they were loyal and honest and well connected to the needs of their family.

 

It would be pretty sad if someone living an inauthentic life, pretending one thing for parts of their days/weeks/months or whatever and living another reality for other parts of their days/weeks/months was being seen at their best. I think many, but not all, MM/MW are capable of being open, honest, and loyal partners who might still show respect and honesty even when things change. They may have been that way in the past or they may become that type of person in the future.

 

Certainly for people who value honesty, openness, loyalty, respect, kindness,... it is not difficult to understand why their self-esteem can take a hit when they connect their lives to one who is not exhibiting these in his/her M in a way which directly ties back to the AP.

 

That loss of self-esteem can happen no matter what the outcome. Having the MM/MW leave the M after some time is not always so easy and may still come with feelings of guilt and loss of self-esteem. If there is love and compassion there, these things can be worked through and healed. But that wouldn't erase the fact that they existed and were a consequence of bringing such deception and inauthenticity into ones life.

[MissBee]

I think a lot of people in that situation use the Two Day rule - always two days in between sex with the other person. I don't know where that comes from or how it matters all that much (why isn't 24 hours, or 12 hours sufficient? Or why not 3 days?) ... but it seems pretty common as I have heard it elsewhere.

 

 

Do such folks use condoms?

[donnamaybe]

 

Do such folks use condoms?

A full body, tungsten steel one.

[KR10N]

I have been cruising the forums for quite a while, and I have seen people post that being in affair robs you of your self esteem. How is that possible?

 

I can understand people having low self esteem being in an affair, but the affair itself robbing someone of their esteem --that doesn't seem right to me.

 

Thoughts?

It robs them of nothing. More like their families are the ones getting robbed. No self-esteem issues, just depravity.

[NoIDidn't]

So... when you promise the rest of your life to someone, for better or for worse, if you find you are simply unhappy, breaking that promise and getting a D is completely acceptable?

 

Interesting. In *my* circle of friends, your word is the only thing you really have. Breaking a promise is one of the worst things you could possibly do.

 

What kind of low life scum bags are you hanging out with??

 

I am so confused concerning this post. Aren't you cheating on your W and planning to leave her for the MW one day?

 

Please tell me this is sarcasm.

[NoIDidn't]

And there are even some who are honest enough to post about how their new R with their fAP is all they'd hoped for, and more! But they don't get the ra-ra responses from those whose As didn't work out the way they'd hoped, perhaps because the possiblity that it can, and does, sometimes work out well for the APs together threatens the fragility of their revisionist worldview? Though I'm sure that those fAPs for whom everything worked out well have enough real life happiness not to need the cheerleading of the disappointed to help them get through the day.

 

 

How silly this all is! Apparently there are cheerleading camps for all!

 

The disappointed in their outcome can support similarly disappointed posters. The hopeful can continue to shower hero worship on the posters that married their MPs. And those are currently with their MPs (married or dating openly) can smugly look down on both camps.