sweetypielovely Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) Sorry this may be long and im open to hearing all opinions on whats going on in my life for advice. Ive been with someone for 11 and a half years. We are both in our early 40's now. We are NOT married, but my family thinks we are. Long story...dont ask. Has no effect on the outcome. I havent been in love with him for several years. Hes an alcoholic and wont get treatment. He also will not take medications he is supposed to be on for a serious illness he got diagnosed with about 3 years ago. I stuck by him through multiple serious surgeries, doctor appointments, and incidents that come with life. I try to be good to him. Basically we are in a sexless and boring marriage. He wants to have sex but i dont. Hes gained about 45 pounds in the last few years and doesnt take care of himself. Im the same as I have always been physically. Im not perfect either, but try. Im not attracted to him anymore. Not just physically, but he has an ugly attitude. Daily he's always pointing out my flaws like a few small wrinkles or gray hairs and it drives me nuts when he knows he has a lot of flaws himself. I admit I have changed too, but all the stress he has put me through has changed how i feel completely about our future and about our relationship. He thinks because he makes $150,000 a year he can treat me any way he wants. I do work but part time only. Over the years my parents have moved in with us due to their financial hardship and reside in our basement and have for 6 years. They pay rent and do contribute. They have been the parents hes never had and can be a bit opinionated. Unfortunately they have seen how he has treated me over the years. They hate it. They want me to leave him and keep saying i deserve better. They said they could move out and get their own place now even though they are on their 70's now. They just want me happy. About 3 months ago I met someone else through a friend who knows our problems. Ive known her 20 years and shes known him 10 years. (the guy she introduced me too) The new guy and I have a great connection and are very similar in everything. Im not proud of meeting someone new either. It just happened and we clicked and I did not expect that to happen. Of course the man im with doesnt know, but suspects something . I have threatened to leave before but he always threatens to harm himself if I do. I know its going to put extra pressure on my parents if I leave him and they have to get their own place to live if I do but at the end of the day....I wanna be happy. The only other complication is that we share a granddaughter whose 1 year old together from my daughter whose 21. He loves the baby and I dont want to deny him from seeing her and i wouldnt. But he says if I leave he wont be there for her cause it would be too painful to see her. I guess what I wanna know is....how do i deal with leaving him if he threatens to harm himself if I leave? I just dont love him anymore and i do feel bad I dont.. Please dont be mean about this cause its very hard for me.... Edited September 1, 2011 by sweetypielovely Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I guess what I wanna know is....how do i deal with leaving him if he threatens to harm himself if I leave? I just dont love him anymore and i do feel bad I dont.. Please dont be mean about this cause its very hard for me.... The bottom line is that you CANNOT be responsible for another person and how they act or react. If they threaten to harm themselves, it is a selfish act and as hard as it will be on you, you must be strong and true to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetypielovely Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 Thank you Carrie... Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Daily he's always pointing out my flaws like a few small wrinkles or gray hairs and it drives me nuts when he knows he has a lot of flaws himself. That's called leveling. He's trying to bring you down to his level because even though he won't admit it to you, HE knows he's a physical trainwreck and wants you to feel just as badly about yourself. That gives him satisfaction and he figures if you're down enough on yourself, you'll stay because no one else would have you. He thinks because he makes $150,000 a year he can treat me any way he wants. I do work but part time only. Time to get a real job and become financially independent. About 3 months ago I met someone else through a friend who knows our problems. Ive known her 20 years and shes known him 10 years. (the guy she introduced me too) The new guy and I have a great connection and are very similar in everything. This is usually what's known as an "exit affair." I have threatened to leave before but he always threatens to harm himself if I do. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt AND the freakin' video. He pulled it on me a couple of times and off in the car I'd go flying, expecting to find a corpse when I got to his place. Such drama, such histrionics. He got away with it TWICE and both times, MIRACULOUSLY, I got there long before he'd done the deed. Ain't that a miracle? I told him if he ever pulled that sh*t again, I wasn't going to come out again - the next time, I would be calling 9-1-1 and they'd be coming over to haul him off to his own, personal padded room because I was DONE with his bullsh*t. It stopped after that. Your parents (bless their hearts) would never want you to be miserable in order for them to have a roof over their heads. There are alot of options open to older folks with regard to housing, and his basement isn't their only option. They were fortunate to get a leg up for 6 years, but now they'll have to make other arrangements. Maybe you can move in with them and help them with their rent. It CAN be done. The only other complication is that we share a granddaughter whose 1 year old together from my daughter whose 21. He loves the baby and I dont want to deny him from seeing her and i wouldnt. But he says if I leave he wont be there for her cause it would be too painful to see her. Are you really surprised that he said something this selfish and ignorant? He's an alcoholic, so therefore, everything is about HIM and nothing is HIS fault. If he chooses to act like a horse's ass and not see the baby, she won't even remember him 2 weeks from now, so she's not even going to affected. It's not like she's 15 years old and he's been in her life from birth. He wants to be a moron, let him be a moron. I guess what I wanna know is....how do i deal with leaving him if he threatens to harm himself if I leave? I just dont love him anymore and i do feel bad I dont.. He's obvioulsy emotionally and mentally unstable - a typical alcoholic. He's a supposed adult whose capable of making a very good salary, yet he possesses the emotional maturity of a 13 year old girl. No wonder you want away from him. I don't blame you. You tell him that you're leaving and if he has to act like a complete dumbass child about it, then you'll have NO problem calling the crisis hotline or 9-1-1 and alerting them to the fact that he's a DANGER to himself. Maybe they, too, will offer him his own padded room like I offered my ex the third time he tried that crap. Get the hell out before he drags you down into hell with him and his bottle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetypielovely Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 I feel bad for cheating on him....but hes such in a drunk funk he cant even see the light and he doesnt care about himself so why should i care for him the same way? I gotta be happy. I am job hunting for a full time job and will leave in January after i save some money. My parents are going to leave in January too. I dont want him to hurt himself because he did take care of me for years. Im not trying to justify why im cheating. I know why i am. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetypielovely Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 He deserves better? Hes a drunk 24/7 so that deserves better than i who took care of him and tried to get him help? Clume your nuts...I tried to to the right thing for years. He hid his drinking from me from day one till i moved in 10 years ago. He has a problem he wont treat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetypielovely Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 He would casually drink in front of me like most of the world does after a year and then it just progressed to all the time. He has a disease that causes pain and he uses the alcohol to numb himself. I really loved him but when you cant help someone who wont help themselves you have to let go. So i shouldnt be happy? I gave him 11 years of my life. I tried. Im not gloating but its possible to be happy after being in a bad situation. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Sorry this may be long and im open to hearing all opinions on whats going on in my life for advice. Ive been with someone for 11 and a half years. We are both in our early 40's now. We are NOT married, but my family thinks we are. Long story...dont ask. Has no effect on the outcome. I havent been in love with him for several years. Hes an alcoholic and wont get treatment. He also will not take medications he is supposed to be on for a serious illness he got diagnosed with about 3 years ago. I stuck by him through multiple serious surgeries, doctor appointments, and incidents that come with life. I try to be good to him. Basically we are in a sexless and boring marriage. He wants to have sex but i dont. Hes gained about 45 pounds in the last few years and doesnt take care of himself. Im the same as I have always been physically. Im not perfect either, but try. Im not attracted to him anymore. Not just physically, but he has an ugly attitude. Daily he's always pointing out my flaws like a few small wrinkles or gray hairs and it drives me nuts when he knows he has a lot of flaws himself. I admit I have changed too, but all the stress he has put me through has changed how i feel completely about our future and about our relationship. He thinks because he makes $150,000 a year he can treat me any way he wants. I do work but part time only. Over the years my parents have moved in with us due to their financial hardship and reside in our basement and have for 6 years. They pay rent and do contribute. They have been the parents hes never had and can be a bit opinionated. Unfortunately they have seen how he has treated me over the years. They hate it. They want me to leave him and keep saying i deserve better. They said they could move out and get their own place now even though they are on their 70's now. They just want me happy. About 3 months ago I met someone else through a friend who knows our problems. Ive known her 20 years and shes known him 10 years. (the guy she introduced me too) The new guy and I have a great connection and are very similar in everything. Im not proud of meeting someone new either. It just happened and we clicked and I did not expect that to happen. Of course the man im with doesnt know, but suspects something . I have threatened to leave before but he always threatens to harm himself if I do. I know its going to put extra pressure on my parents if I leave him and they have to get their own place to live if I do but at the end of the day....I wanna be happy. The only other complication is that we share a granddaughter whose 1 year old together from my daughter whose 21. He loves the baby and I dont want to deny him from seeing her and i wouldnt. But he says if I leave he wont be there for her cause it would be too painful to see her. I guess what I wanna know is....how do i deal with leaving him if he threatens to harm himself if I leave? I just dont love him anymore and i do feel bad I dont.. Please dont be mean about this cause its very hard for me.... It's time to leave. You are not married. Your relationship is bad. You are free to go. Get your parents to move out of the house as a first step. Then tell him you are moving out. Suggest that he get counseling, let him know that you do care about his well being, but that you can't live like that anymore, and are leaving. His mental health is not your responsibility. Try to encourage the counseling, but other than that, you are not responsible for what he does to himself. You have a right to move out and seek happiness without him. You are not married to him. If you were, my advice would be different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetypielovely Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Yes, I am going to leave. My parents are on a 3 week vacation and when they get home i will sit them down to discuss leaving. We already set a time frame up for January and im sure that will be when it happens. I guess for me i feel im letting him down i some way. he dosnt really have many friends or family left. I know he took care of me and i never went without anything but emotionally he hasnt been there for me. Its been hell at times. Thanks for all the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
viennawaits Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 My alcoholic husband has threatened this many times over the years. He's never done a thing to himself (except try to drink himself to death). The last time he was on a drinking rampage I called the police and they took him to the mental ward. Needless to say, he hasn't threatened that again. Get out for your own sanity. You don't make him drink or hurt himself; he does that all himself. Link to post Share on other sites
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