1.5 years' dating, bf said he does not know if we have a future together or not

[holyred]

I have read several threads that have similar stories with mine, but I still hope people can give me comments and suggestions on my case.This is my first time sharing relationship on website, but I believe it will help.

Both me and my bf are PhD students, we are both kind half way through it, he still has 2 years to graduate, I still have about 3 years to finish. I am in humanity and he is in science. I am 28 and he is 29.

We started to date in March 2010. The first two weeks we talked about our past, and exchanged our expectations for family, career, life, etc. Before dating him I had a relationship that lasted about 2.5 years but did not work out because many factors. When I met my bf I was in the state of " this will not work, I only want to have some fun with you". He told me that he had dated with many girls and never had a relationship that lasted more than 3 months.

I did not like him at the beginning because it was difficult to chat with him. He tended to analyze a lot, sometimes really annoying. The way he asked me for my infromation made me feel investigation. After our exchange of expectations, I felt that we both want to get married, to have a family, have a happy life with kids, dogs. It seems we are on the same page. This feeling made me like him, and maybe in this feeling there is something like sympathy, I was thinking "why nobody wanted to be with such a nice man? I will try to love him and make him happy".

The first 1.5 months we were very happy. Then I needed to go to California for 3 months for research. At that time I still did not see that our relationship would go to a certain level, but he hated that. During my stay in California, he reqruied that we video chatting every day, he was in the East coast, with 3 hours time difference, we managed to have dinner together on cam. He also hinted that I should not go to bars by myself. He flew to California twice to visit me. During our chatting, we talked about marriage, kids, even what kind of life we want after retirement. He encouraged me to imagine our wedding (I told him I did not dare to imagine because I did not know when will this happen). Our discussion and the way he treated me made me very happy, and very lucky that I found my Mr. Right.

But while I was in CA we had some huge fight on internet chatting. He used the worst words on me and made me shocked. My trust to him immediately reduced. I think it is the same to him. Still, he asked me to move in. I never moved in with anyone before. Since we only knew each other for about 4 months, and I did not want to be kicked out later during fight or anything, I hesitated, which made him very unhappy. I wanted to show to him that I wanted the relationship to work, so anyway I moved in when I returned to the East in late August.

From then on until now, we have been together for about 1.5 years and have been living together for about 10 months. We had ups and downs. He knows from the very beginning that I want to get married and it is very important to me.

But in the past one year or so he never expressed his desire or wish to marry me, he even never talked about it. I become impatient. This made me depressed, and I am never succeessful in hiding my feelings. Almsot everytime when I become unhappy, he would find out and would talk with me. During our talk I would ask him whether he saw us having a future or not. He would say, he loves me and cares about me, he wants the best thing for me, but he does not know whether we will have a future together or not. Sometimes he would say, he was trying to make a future for us together.

In the past two months, he had some problems in his research, which made him worry about graduation and future career. Many times he said that "I have more important things to worry about, do not bother me". Other times he said "career and relationship are both important to me, I am trying to make both work" How he treated me at those time made me uncomfortable, but when I complain, he said I am not supportive when he has problems, that I will only make things worse. This really hurt me.

When we do not fight, we are very happy together, and most time we are happy. But when we fight, it made me go crazy. He is the best lover in the world when things are good, but he seems the worst enely to me when we fight, even made me scared. I was scared during these time not because he used violence (he almost never used violence), but because the way he talked, the indifference he showed. He made me feel that even though he claimed loves and cares about me, if I disappear or die tomorrow, he will say "I am sorry to know that", but he will not really feel sad or anything, he will just not give a damn **** of it.

Previously during one of our talks he said he should be able to decide whether we should marry or not before November this year, that 2 years are definitely enough for one to know another person well enough and to decide on marriage issues. But now 1.5 years together, his answer to me only goes worse.

It deeply confused me, that while he sincerely said he truly loves and cares about me (most time he would hold my hand when he said these), how can he even has no desire to have a future with me? Is it graduation and career that stops him from making commitment or because he does not love me that much? I am very disappointed of our relationnship and feel that it is not going anywhere. But normally things are fine, and he is very supportive of me, and we are like families. This is why even though during our fight I became very angry and really wanted out, it was difficult to do so, there would be one voice in my head saying: maybe he just need extra time.

This is exactly what he said last night: he needs some more time. He felt that he was compelled to make these big decisions that will affect his entire life, he was afraid and did not want to rush it. I value the fact that he is a responsible man, but I just do not feel good. I am not assured that he wants to share his life with me.

With everything being said, he is a nice man, hard working, highly disciplined, responsible. During our relationship he is very caring and loving, very loyal to this relationship. Although he told me how he felt honestly, I just feel confused and disappointted.

 

At one side, I feel that he truly cares and loves me, maybe just needs more time to sort things out . At another side, I worry that he is only treating me as a companion at this stage of his life. That he is finding more evidences to show that I am not good enough for him. His change of attitudes from last summer to now mades me feel cheated.

 

I hope everyone seeing my post gives me honest comments and suggestions. Thank you!

Edited September 1, 2011 by holyred
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