Wife of three years says she doesn't love me anymore...

[poldo0507]

Hi everyone. I have been reading some of the posts here and have personally learned some stuff about marriage. I know I ought to read posts, learn from them, and fix my marriage but I can't help not sharing my problem with people who have gone through the same ordeal and learned how to best deal with the situation. I apologize if my post is long. Here it goes.

 

I'm 31 while she is 24. My wife and I started out as co-workers. I was single and she was in a bad relationship. We got to know each other and she told me that found me interesting. One thing lead to another. We got together and were steady. I got her pregnant a few months after. We decided to get married. Unfortunately, she lost the baby, but it didn't stop our plan or getting married. But since I don't come from a wealthy family, and since her side of the family wanted a church wedding, her side mostly shouldered much of the expenses. Got married 2008. A few months after, she got pregnant. Now our daughter is 2 yrs old.

 

Since we can't afford a house, we rented an apartment. She would challenge me to do better to get more money. So I thought of working abroad, in Singapore. We moved out of the rented apartment and when I left, I had them stay with her mom's house. I hated being away from them that I asked them to come over for vacation. We had so much fun, she liked it there. But when I thought that working abroad wasn't really working out and wanted to go back to the Philippines, she said it's up to me. When she left to back home, she even texted that she is genuinely happy that I'm coming back home, that she likes it if were are together.

 

So, I came back last June and things didn't work out for me. Still haven't found a job and we're all staying in her mother's house. I hate it but I can't anything. We have debts and she's the only one working while I stay and watch our daughter. July, she started to act different. She doesn't call me by our pet name, no affection, I show her but she doesn't show me back. One day while she was at work and I was IMing her, she told me that she feels different towards me, that she has lost her feelings for me. I felt devastated and asked her why. She said she has had this feeling for a long time and that she can't see a better future with me. She doesn't see like like the person she saw before. I think that she is frustrated about us and our bills. Then we talked about personally and she asked that I give her space. She even suggested that we have an open relationship, which i refused. I gave her space that she asked. I didn't push her close to me for any affection although I am being extra nice and helpful to her and our daughter around the house.

 

Since I have noticed that her phone and FB activity has increased worried that she could be seeing someone, I accessed her FB account. I found out that she has spent emotional time with a guy in the office in her department. It's obvious that she finds humor from him. I confronted her and she said they're just friends and infact has given her good advice to her about our marriage. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Until I asked one of her friends in the office and she told me that she confided her problems to her and heard that she got rumored to have a thing with that guy. I got angry that I called my wife while she was in the office. I told her that I am giving her space but if she still has respect for me, she should not put herself in such a way that could sabotage our marriage. She insisted that they are friends and that guy doesn't even have a clue as to what I'm angry for. I think she likes him and could be showing signs to him, they're not officially on the same boat yet.

 

Till now, it's the same thing. We are just friends in the house although she gets irritated by my being nice sometimes. In fact, when she got sick of sore throat last week, I went my way to go out and buy her meds, make her a glass of juice, took care of her. She texted me "thanks for the meds" on her way to work. The next day after that, I IMed her and asked how she is, she replied she is getting better but asked that I stop being nice to her and that she doesn't deserve it. That Im investing too much on her that I might just get hurt bad in the bad... Her words hurt like hell. I told her that I just cared for her that's all.

 

I miss my wife and I want her back. I have read that I shouldnt ask her but should look after myself and pick myself up. I have confided on my family and they suggested the same thing, give her space while I work on myself.

 

As I am writing this, I am dowloading keylogger in our laptop. I plan to hack her FB and email account to know the truth. If she is getting EA from that guy, I plan to confront her and tell her to stop going to him for advice and that we see a MC. If she is indeed cheating, I will confront her and plan to move out her mother's house.

 

Also, she told me that she feels sorry me that I'm being nice to her. She said she doesn't feel anything. I told her I'm not gonna give up on us. She said if her feelings will be back then great, if not then it won't. Just recently, our company has showed intention of wanting me back. As expected, my wife doesn't like me going back there. I am still giving her the benefit of the doubt and thinks that she just doesn't like me there and get in her space, universe.

 

So i don't know what to do. Should I continue to give her space then? And deal with her EA if I have too? I still have to find a way to get a MC. I don't have money so I'm looking around where I can have a cheap one. I have thoughts of moving out when I get a job. I think that will really give us space but I don't know how to win her back if then. Thanks for the help, guys.

[fenderstrathss]

Listen man. I just recently went through this same thing and the advice on this board was spot on, so I will regurgitate it. She is sleeping with that guy and has been for a while. She is going to try and demonize you to make herself feel better about what she's doing. She doesn't like you doing things for her because it makes her feel more guilty. The only thing you can do is gather evidence, confront her with it and tell her to stop and work on the marriage or get the he'll out. No guarantee it will work out even if she does the former because you will begin to feel bitter about it. Make sure you follow through with whatever threats you make (filing for divorce) or she will never believe your threats and just keep eating her cake. Also, talk to a lawyer prior to confronting her. When a woman has another man on the side, working on the marriage is a waste of time, money, and only extends the pain and misery. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth.

[fenderstrathss]

Also, giving her space is the same thing as giving her permission to screw OM whenever she wants. If she wants space, tell her that she'll have plenty after the divorce.

[Craig2425]

You were single and she was in a bad relationship when you first started dating?

She cheated then and you're surprised that she's doing it again? Karma?

[poldo0507]

Also, giving her space is the same thing as giving her permission to screw OM whenever she wants. If she wants space, tell her that she'll have plenty after the divorce.

 

Damn, it's really hurts to think that's happening. I just thought that she feels sorry coz she doesn't love me and I am loving her.

[poldo0507]

You were single and she was in a bad relationship when you first started dating?

She cheated then and you're surprised that she's doing it again? Karma?

 

Yeah, I realize that. Although she told me that it was really bad, like the guy has dumped her before, caught with another girl, etc, but she still stuck with him. But yes, you're right. I believe this is karma. I have to believe that this is the end of the rope for our marriage.

[andyg99]

Yeah, I realize that. Although she told me that it was really bad, like the guy has dumped her before, caught with another girl, etc, but she still stuck with him. But yes, you're right. I believe this is karma. I have to believe that this is the end of the rope for our marriage.

 

if you ever met the guy who was "horrible" to her you'd probably find out that he is a lot like you...

 

maybe the keylogger will give you answers, but I think you may already know what is going on... hang in there and keep us upated, you're about to ride the rollercoaster...

[Craig2425]

if you ever met the guy who was "horrible" to her you'd probably find out that he is a lot like you...

 

maybe the keylogger will give you answers, but I think you may already know what is going on... hang in there and keep us upated, you're about to ride the rollercoaster...

 

This. She probably talked him down a lot to justify what she was doing with you.

Sorry for what you're going thru.

Find the 180 and work on yourself.

[poldo0507]

if you ever met the guy who was "horrible" to her you'd probably find out that he is a lot like you...

 

maybe the keylogger will give you answers, but I think you may already know what is going on... hang in there and keep us upated, you're about to ride the rollercoaster...

 

im hoping to get solid evidence since i know that no cheater will admit her action. do you guys know of a free software that could hack facebook? my only chance of making use of keylogger is if she uses my laptop to access FB. She mostly uses her iphone to check her FB.

[poldo0507]

This. She probably talked him down a lot to justify what she was doing with you.

Sorry for what you're going thru.

Find the 180 and work on yourself.

 

i'll look for that 180 and work on myself. this is really hard, i mean, we're married. it would have been easier if we are not. she doesn't care about our daughter at all. it really kills me inside that she is doing this.

[Craig2425]

Don't have to tell me. I'm going thru it too. I get blamed for everything and she has re written our whole history.

I found out she was talking/texting her old bf and she down plays that.

Whatever! I know I tried as hard as I could and was willing to do what it takes to make our family work.

When I comes down to it she knows deep down Inside what she was/is doing and that I tired.

Good luck

[poldo0507]

Don't have to tell me. I'm going thru it too. I get blamed for everything and she has re written our whole history.

I found out she was talking/texting her old bf and she down plays that.

Whatever! I know I tried as hard as I could and was willing to do what it takes to make our family work.

When I comes down to it she knows deep down Inside what she was/is doing and that I tired.

Good luck

 

Sorry to hear that. I haven't really done anything yet other than not forcing her back to the relationship.

 

As for me, I saw this Fireproof movie and sort of like started following this book called "Love Dare". I'm on the 4th day and it seems that the book contradicts the whole 180 thing.

 

So, after noticing my being nice and caring, she told me that she doesn't deserve it and asked if it would make it easy for me to not expect alot from her if she would act mean to me.... wtf? being a doormat as I was, I told her that she shouldn't worry about me since it's my decision to be caring and nice still to her. And i think I sounded desperate then.

 

It's really hard for me to assume that she is indeed having a physical affair with this guy. I hope I could get an evidence so I would have a solid reason to leave her and stop loving her. Since if I find that out, I'd really feel hurt and at the same time relieved why I have to stay away from her, a selfish cheat of a woman.

[poldo0507]

So he cheated on her and she cheated on him with you. To expect her to be faithful after that is just hypocritical. No matter how bad you thought her previous relationship was, it didn't excuse the behavior the happened between the three of you.

 

There were on the verge of breaking up, and she told him that she had given up on him, the other women, etc, that she has stopped loving him and that she liked me. Her ex knew about me and she left him. On my part, I think I saved her from heartaches and all.

 

Now, I'm on the other end of the rope. I don't see why she has lost her love since I don't smoke and drink, no other girls but her, works hard. I know I haven't meet her needs and not sure what they are but her story with her ex and ours is totally different.

 

But you guys are right, this is karma. I think she's the type that hops around men. I'm really stupid and should have seen this coming. One time we were talking about separation and that she brought up the open relationship thing and I refused, I told her that she should not think like that. Asked me if I'm not afraid that she'd fall for someone else, told her that I am but will not make it happen. I still recall that line she said that "if i fall for someone, she'd be honest to me and will let me know"....

[Eddie Edirol]

im hoping to get solid evidence since i know that no cheater will admit her action. do you guys know of a free software that could hack facebook? my only chance of making use of keylogger is if she uses my laptop to access FB. She mostly uses her iphone to check her FB.

 

Theres tons of keyloggers out there to download onthe internet, just google them. But only do it if you need the evidence for a divorce. Its useless for anything else. You already know she is cheating, especially since she doesnt care for your daughter.

 

So you need to move out of her mothers house now, stop being nice to her, and stop hoping for her to turn around, she never will. Actually, since she is so young, it sounds like she always had the idea that you were supposed to help her with an easy life, and she wasnt really into you as a person. Thats horrible of her.

[carhill]

My primary concern would be maintaining a stable and loving environment for your daughter and surrounding her with role models who socialize her in methods different than what she'll be getting from her bio mother. My sympathies.

 

Since you don't name your country of residence, it's difficult to help any further.

 

IMO, your marriage is over. Personally, I'd take the time now spent figuring out ways to 'catch' her and/or 'punish' her and spend that time and emotion on your daughter. She's far more deserving of it than your wife. Think about that.

[martyjones47]

if you ever met the guy who was "horrible" to her you'd probably find out that he is a lot like you...

 

I am finding this in my relationship. In the beginning and during, I heard all about the terrible EXs, who were nothing like me. I began to put it together and figured out what kind of guys they probably were, to point of going from hating them for how they treated her to almost wishing they were my friends. I also began to notice a pattern, including a deliberate progression through different "types."

[poldo0507]

Theres tons of keyloggers out there to download onthe internet, just google them. But only do it if you need the evidence for a divorce. Its useless for anything else. You already know she is cheating, especially since she doesnt care for your daughter.

 

So you need to move out of her mothers house now, stop being nice to her, and stop hoping for her to turn around, she never will. Actually, since she is so young, it sounds like she always had the idea that you were supposed to help her with an easy life, and she wasnt really into you as a person. Thats horrible of her.

 

Thanks, Eddie. I really want to tell that that she's right, we need to separate, and that I should leave the house. But right now, we don't have someone who can watch our daughter. My wife works at night so if I leave, no one can stay with my little girl. My plan is that once we get a stay-in helper/full-time baby sitter (I'm from the Philippines and it's common here to have stay-in helpers), I'll be leaving then.

[poldo0507]

My primary concern would be maintaining a stable and loving environment for your daughter and surrounding her with role models who socialize her in methods different than what she'll be getting from her bio mother. My sympathies.

 

Since you don't name your country of residence, it's difficult to help any further.

 

IMO, your marriage is over. Personally, I'd take the time now spent figuring out ways to 'catch' her and/or 'punish' her and spend that time and emotion on your daughter. She's far more deserving of it than your wife. Think about that.

 

Thanks Carhill. I get your point. My parents were divorced too. I will surely do my best to raise my daughter with good morals. As for my country, it's actually on my avatar. I'm from the Philippines.

[carhill]

From my readings, culture and law in the Philippines is pretty unique in the world regarding the ending of marriages and custody/support, so our usual advice from here in the U.S. is generally moot. I'll assume your wife will be awarded custody of your daughter, as is customary. I hope you can work out ways to stay in your daughter's life.

 

I hope this lesson is not lost upon you. Life teaches us lessons and sometimes it's the harsh ones which are the best and most meaningful ones. Your perspective about women will likely change and I think that's healthy. Best wishes

 

ETA, sorry I missed that country info in your avatar! It's on my list of places to visit.

Edited September 3, 2011 by carhill

[poldo0507]

I am finding this in my relationship. In the beginning and during, I heard all about the terrible EXs, who were nothing like me. I began to put it together and figured out what kind of guys they probably were, to point of going from hating them for how they treated her to almost wishing they were my friends. I also began to notice a pattern, including a deliberate progression through different "types."

 

Hey Marty. I hope you're doing fine yourself. I followed your thread before I posted mine so I pray that things will work out great for you.

 

By the way, I've read that you think your wife isn't screwing around and just crazy. I hope my wife isn't there yet since I still hope that we'd be back together.

[poldo0507]

From my readings, culture and law in the Philippines is pretty unique in the world regarding the ending of marriages and custody/support, so our usual advice from here in the U.S. is generally moot. I'll assume your wife will be awarded custody of your daughter, as is customary. I hope you can work out ways to stay in your daughter's life.

 

I hope this lesson is not lost upon you. Life teaches us lessons and sometimes it's the harsh ones which are the best and most meaningful ones. Your perspective about women will likely change and I think that's healthy. Best wishes

 

ETA, sorry I missed that country info in your avatar! It's on my list of places to visit.

 

You're right, it's different here. The wife will have custody, full most likely, if they're below 7 yrs old. Mine is 2 so she's be with her if we get our marriage annulled. I'd still appreciate any advice from you guys like how to deal with pains, determine if indeed over, and stuff. It's good to know that I'm not alone and that I can survive this like you guys did.

 

It's 9am here in the Philippines and she texted me that she'd be home at 10am (she usually gets here at 8am). Said that she'd drop by a famous church here. I'm giving her a benefit of a doubt, just because i don't think she'd use God as an excuse. And also since it's a popular church and people go there to pray for a lot of things. I hope she's praying for guidance between all this.

[poldo0507]

Dude it's not justified no matter what you state. Now you're dealing with a part of her psyche that was there when she was with her ex. You knew this when you got involved with her but you chose to ignore the red flags, thinking that she was going to be faithful after she cheated on him with you. It'd be best to just file for divorce.

 

I thought that we'll be good together, that we can serve each other's need for love and all. After this, I don't know if I can ever trust a woman again.. Though I don't want to miss the opportunity of finding that one girl for me, wherever she might be.

[poldo0507]

So she said she'd be coming home two hours past her usual time since she had to drop by a church. It's been over three hours now and she is still not home. She texted and ask for our daughter, that she's has a surprise for her, and that she is currently having a coffee with her ex. I haven't told you guys this but her ex is actually a T-bird. Not that it matters.

 

No surprise to me that they'd meetup since when I opened her FB before, I read msgs between then planning to meet for a business. It's a legit business that her ex is offering my sis-in-law, online marketing her cakes and stuff.

 

What bothers me was why she didn't just tell me that she'd be home not after 2 hrs, but over 3hrs coz she had to drop by a church and meet someone???

[fenderstrathss]

Again, she is not with her ex, she is with the other man. The sooner you accept that she is having an affair, the sooner you can move on with a clear head and make the right decisions. Look at every story on this board even slightly similar to yours. Each guy denies, denies, denies that there is an affair in the beginning and toward the end of the thread it ends up being an affair 99% of the time. I did it too. Go read my thread. You need to put your foot down. The nice guy routine never works in this situation because it makes her feel more guilty and therefore pulls away more. Not to mention she is also trying to make you the bad guy in her own mind. You need to give her an ultimatum and stand up for yourself. This doesn't guarantee that it will not end in divorce, but I can almost guarantee that if you keep being a doormat that it will and only after she drags your pride through the mud. I'm sorry this is happening, but try to think with a clear head. Do you beat her? Emotionally abuse her? If not, the only logical conclusion is that someone else is giving her attention and while that person is, she doesn't even want it from you. You have to expose and eliminate the other man if you want this thing to have even the slightest chance of reconciling

[andyg99]

I thought that we'll be good together, that we can serve each other's need for love and all. After this, I don't know if I can ever trust a woman again.. Though I don't want to miss the opportunity of finding that one girl for me, wherever she might be.

 

of course you thought you would be good together, any good person goes into a marriage thinking just like you... don't even think about ever trusting someone else now, your main concern should be your child, heal first, make sure that child is taken care of... find out what you need to know, figure out if the marriage can be saved or is worth saving, then ACT either way (saving it would require HER to do a lot of work!)

 

KIDS ALWAYS COME FIRST!