Bf and I risk breaking up

[Pyrannaste]

My 3 yrs bf - who lives an hour of train away, we see each other during weekends- has beeen very cold on the phone for the last couple of weeks. He also felt distant while we were together. Last three weeks when I was with him he was not in the mood for sex....he said it was just a physical thing linked to his pollen allergies which he gets in spring.

 

Yesterday on the phone, since I was worried and hurt at the 'cold, distant, silent treatment' I bluntly asked him if he was getting tired of our relationship.

He said first to figure it out by myself and then that yes, indeed, he was.

After I asked him 'then your not feeling like you wanted to have sex had nothing to do with allergies?' he said that the problem was indeed our relationship and his "feeling like I was trying to lock him in a cage like a canned insect".

(same concept as "you are treating me like a pelush toy you want to be able to hug at will and then keep it closed in a drawer", the analogy was because I keep a few insects in jars at home )

 

He said he is tired of me controlling his life.

 

My controlling his life includes: my expecting him not to go to his fraternity meetings when there is some girl there getting naked and staying clothless for hours, walking out while he is at his fraternity and some girl is getting naked/without underwear, to inform me if he's meeting with one ex of his and to meet her in a public place and not at their places(I have no problems with his other exes), not to give vibrators to female friends as a present, not to meet alone with any girl in his fraternity he has seen naked (no problems with the rest of them), not to flirt online with girls, and not to discuss personal sexual things with female friends ( general sexual talk, or medical sexual talk would be okay, but I wouldn't be comfortable with, for instance, a detailed account about his female friend masturbation techniques. He also has a couple of female friends-who really act like only friends, with whom I would not mind him talking about even stuff like that. )

 

Well, I suppose I am pretty jealous. With porn I have no problems unless when he is ignoring me on the msn messenger because he's busy with checking porn sites, or unless when he is making some comment about their appearence that makes me jealous. I don't mind him watching porn as long as he's acting gentlemanly about it. (well, it's not really that I don't mind.I don't like him watching it, but I can live with it, so no big deal. It is not a real problem in itself. )

 

After saying something like "see, i can't break up with you on msn or on the phone because you'd call me a jerk" he said he wasn't sure about breaking up with me yet, that's why he was distant but told me nothing, he would have waited to talk about it in person, but it was me bringing up the subject.

I'm glad he talked about it though, and now we have decided that we are *probably* going to talk about it in person.

He told me that right now he needed space, so I'll try not to call him a lot, and not to bring the subject up until we talk again in person. It will be pretty difficult and I'm not sure I'lll be able to.

 

He told me a few things that made me wonder whether the relationship is hopeless. He started with telling me "I'm talking about it but it will be useless, you will be thinking YOU are right and I'm the jerk, like usual", which I think is quite unfair.

He also said he was right this time, he just knew it. He said that he usually considers the chance I might be the one who is right, or that I might have my share of sensible reasons, because this is not the case, he just knew it, he knew it because he had been in my place, and he is older, and I just will have to grow up and I'll understand.

 

he said it is impossible to talk to me because I always think my reasons are the right ones, and i want the last word with everything (I still think it's not true but perhaps it's just me like he said).

He said he feels the seven years age difference, and I probably have to grow up. it might be just me again, but I think he usually has never acted more like an adult than I did.

He said that all that counts to me is my own personal little problems like my jealousy -which does not make sense to him- and all the big problems he is trying to deal with count nothing to me.

 

Again, his problems mean a lot to me, I want to be there for him when he needs, but I'm bad at communicating. I try to get him talk about them and he -mostly- won't. I got the feeling that he'd like to have some immediate emphaty from me, but I'm no good at mind reading, although I'd try to be less selfish if he gave me the chance.

He said he feels he counts something for me only as long as he's there to hug me and be nice to me, but I forget about him when he needs to feel I'm there for him. I'm really hoping he just said it out of anger, because I don't think this is true. I'm often asking about him, when he's telling him about his personal things, would you like to talk about it, is there anything I can do, and he says 'nothing', and he gives me the impression he'd really like not to get questions about them, so I let the subject drop.

 

He also said that right then (yesterday) while we were on the phone all I was doing was talking about me. He said that had he been on the phone with his best female friend or his sister they would have understood he had problems right now and instead of getting defensive and self centered first things they would have said is "I see you have some problems right now, would you want to talk about them?"

But he had just told me he was tired of the relationship, i was crying, thinking 'omg he's dumping me',I guess it was sort of normal for me to be 'self centered'in that moment instead of being nice and asking him how he was feeling.

Or not?

i guess i should have asked him how he was feeling. But he had just said he was being fedup with me!

 

How is a woman supposed to show empaty to a man?

How do you learn to communicate the right way with men?

is there any way to show you care for how they are feeling even if you didn't show it in the right moment?

 

When I'm very hurt/angered I tend not to show big interest in my partner's feeling, and that's a BIG problem with me I'm trying to work on.

I have to calm down before I can show interest/love/undertanding.

only things that make me very upset/angered are jealousy problems about things that make me feel disrespected. Or people being extremely rude to me.

 

I don't know how things will turn out, if our relationship is just waiting for the coup de grace or if there are chances of fixing it.

I guess i'll try not to call him too often until we talk in person, and to give him the time he needs and then discuss. (hope so)

i guess I'd also better think about what I really want from a relationship.

One thing i know for sure is that I can't do anything about many things that trigger my jealousy. I'll try to work about some of them, the ones that are no deal breakers to me.

 

It's not like"my silly senseless jealousy problems about things I should not be jealous of (him seeing his female friends naked) count to me more than his own problems"(this is what he said). It's not that they count more to me, they are just different things.

I'll agree *any moment* that his personal problems are way worse than your bf seeing some skin. hell, they are not even comparable!!!!!

 

I'll try to figure it out whether my bf and I would be happier on our own.

But i hope things between us can be fixed.

Right now I'm feeling like sh*t.

 

Thanks for reading this rant, sorry it was long, please wish me luck.

 

I'd appreciate any reply, or any opinion, or to know if anyone here had similar experiences.

I'd also like to know what 'controlling bf(gf)'s life means to you.... what is controlling and what is not.

Knowing someone else's opinion would be precious to understand whether I really have some growing up to do, or not.

25 is not too old to grow up if i have to. If i've been acting childish i can't really realize.

[DerangedAngel]

My controlling his life includes: my expecting him not to go to his fraternity meetings when there is some girl there getting naked and staying clothless for hours, walking out while he is at his fraternity and some girl is getting naked/without underwear, to inform me if he's meeting with one ex of his and to meet her in a public place and not at their places(I have no problems with his other exes), not to give vibrators to female friends as a present, not to meet alone with any girl in his fraternity he has seen naked (no problems with the rest of them), not to flirt online with girls, and not to discuss personal sexual things with female friends ( general sexual talk, or medical sexual talk would be okay, but I wouldn't be comfortable with, for instance, a detailed account about his female friend masturbation techniques. He also has a couple of female friends-who really act like only friends, with whom I would not mind him talking about even stuff like that. )

 

He calls this... control? Personally, I don't think you're being unreasonable by any of those things!

 

When I'm very hurt/angered I tend not to show big interest in my partner's feeling, and that's a BIG problem with me I'm trying to work on.

 

Well, duh! Of course that's the way it is. What is his problem with this? He's telling you he doesn't have the same feelings as he once did, and you're heartbroken - but you're supposed to ask him how HE is? Maybe he's the one that needs to try to be more understanding of your feelings.

 

I guess i'll try not to call him too often until we talk in person, and to give him the time he needs and then discuss

 

Good idea. It doesn't sound like he knows what he wants.

 

I'd also better think about what I really want from a relationship.

 

Another good idea. You may find that he isn't willing to give these things to you, so be prepared for that.

 

Also, what exactly is he seeking "empathy" for? What is going on in his life right now that you aren't showing an interest in?

 

Best of luck to you. I hope things can be resolved in a way that benefits both of you.

 

-Deranged

[Pyrannaste]

deranged, thanks for your reply, you are a real sweetie.

Originally posted by DerangedAngel

He calls this... control? Personally, I don't think you're being unreasonable by any of those things!"

 

oh.......thanks!!!!!!! really. I didn't think I was being unreasonable too, but he said-more than a time- that any normal boyfriend would not tolerate such crap from me and would dump me. (such crap=my 'controlling' and crying/nagging/getting upset when he did any of those things).

I thought that most girls would actually behave like me.

But then, perhaps, i might have been wrong.

 

He said that any of his friend would have dumped me already. I

told him yesterday to ask any of his friend who is NOT in his fraternity and see what they say. I told to ask his sister who is 33, slaps her bf when he's blatantly looking at another woman and don't allows him to watch porn.

I told him to ask to people he doesn't know personally.

i don't think that-like he said-i'll have to grow up and then I'll understand I was getting upset from nothing. I think age doesn't matters.

I think it's people mindset that counts. but i might be wrong that's why I'm asking for opinions.

 

Yesterday on the phone I told him I was very wrong to call his fraternity friends sluts. I said I didn't see anything wrong in him seeing whatever he liked at his frat meetings when he was single, it was stupid to bestow moral judgement and call people sluts and pervs just because I was very angry, I apologized about that.

I told him that I would have never dreamed to call those girls names if I had not been angry at him. I said I didn't see anything wrong in what goes on in his frat in itself, it's their business, but to me it is important that he is not there while nudity is displayed. If we stay together and the relationship can be fixed I'll do my best not to call his friends names.

 

"Well, duh! Of course that's the way it is. What is his problem with this? He's telling you he doesn't have the same feelings as he once did, and you're heartbroken - but you're supposed to ask him how HE is? Maybe he's the one that needs to try to be more understanding of your feelings."

 

Well, perhaps I should have, since he told me he does not have the same feeling because of the way I behave and because I seem uninterested in his problems and I can't communicate like an adult.. I don't really know. I guess it would have been a good idea to tell him: "I'm sorry for making you feel that way, how are you feeling?Can we talk about it?" but i blew this one up.

 

"Also, what exactly is he seeking "empathy" for? What is going on in his life right now that you aren't showing an interest in?"

 

He's obese and has problem with his looks. (I guess I'll soon post to ask advice about how showing an obese person you care for his health without giving him the idea that you are turned off by his looks-which is NOT the case here!i find him handsome but I'm worried for his health. )

 

Looking for a job.

 

30 years crisis

 

Girlfriend from hell who is selfish and makes him feel not loved.

 

Girlfriend from hell trying to drive him apart from his best friends, those frat guys.

 

(I wouldn't mind him hanging out with them if the girls kept their clothes on and their hands off. I would be glad to know he goes out with them to public places where there no risk for that **** to happen. )

 

Best of luck to you. I hope things can be resolved in a way that benefits both of you.

 

 

 

thanks again for your reply!

[Pyrannaste]

After telling me he was getting tired of me, he's being real sweet.

today and yesterday he sent me text messages to wish me goodnight, and he was very nice on the phone.

Last two weeks he was cold on te phone and did not return most of my text messages.

And these two days he actually was nice on the msn messenger.... while he was almost ignoring me lately.

this is leading me to hope that perhaps we won't break up after all.....but I'll never understand men!!!!!

[Samson]

He's obese and has problem with his looks.

 

Looking for a job.

 

30 years crisis

 

Pyrannaste,

 

Um..................... sorry, I missed something.

 

You are wooried about holding onto this guy, why?

[CurlyIam]

I can't believe you're waisting your time with this...boy.No, baby! He isn't able to break the ties with his fraternity, does not have a job, is 30, does not have a family and is overweighted!

 

Ok, let's take it one by one. Parties with naked girls: if you're single and under 21. If you're older than 21, and a faithfull member of these parties, than you"re not man enough to get a woman to sleep with you and prefer easy rides. Easy rides aren't bad once in a while... not always!! And those women prefer to stay naked because they are true feminists and are not ashamed to bring Nietsche into the picture!

 

Please!!!!

 

Now what I cannot understand is his obssesion with his being right and you being wrong. He is not a teenager and you are not his mom aking him go to school! YOu are 100% right. I cannot believe you apologized for putting tags under the merchandise. These women are trash and those men ... desirve to be aroung dirt like that!

 

Pyrannaste you're not 18 anymore. Have a good look at this man. HE's not even able to take care of himself, he's irresponsable, has no future ahead of him and treats you like crap.

 

I imagine he can be charming and loving and nice and toughtfull... if he wants to. I believe you love him, but he is no man to spend any second of your 20 years or whatever age you may be with him. You can't turn back time and remember that in the end we all became the prisoners of our own habits. I'd hate to see you stuck with him, really!

 

This man is not a keeper. You are his free ride. HE gets all the freedome of a student, all the parties and the fun and a real girlfriend in week-ends. Why oh why does he always insist on his being right and your being wrong when it's sooo obvious what's true?

 

Why does he try so hard to convince ? Because in fact it's his lifestyle he's defending. I'm sure that if he could he'd wanna live like that forever. Who wouldn't?

 

Take a good look at him and think at your best interest!!! LEave while you're young and beautiful. You desirve a man to be your equal!