TheMongoose Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 My ex and i broke up over 3 years ago, yet he still comes to every thanksgiving, family reunion, christmas, etc. We were together from the ages of 12-18 with little breaks in between so i understand that hes been around for awhile. In the last year were finally on good terms, i no longer hate him. Hes also brings his gf, the one he left me for once in awhile to these things and my family thinks shes the greatest thing. kinda a slap in the face. Neways shes really not bad there great together and really happy. The real problem is at this point is simply that ive been with my boyfriend now for 2 years. We have two kids(his with ex) and own a house together. My family like him but they dont treat him like they do the ex. Not to mention how he feels having my ex come to all these things. Ive talked to my family about this but they refuse to listen. They say my boyfriend should understand that the ex is family and he's going to have to just get along with him and get used to having him in our lives. They compare this to me getting along with the kids mother! I just dont know what to do. It bothers him to the point that he doesnt even want to go to anything of my families anymore.. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetypielovely Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) Your family needs to respect your wishes on this. You werent married to him and theres no reason he should be coming around anymore especially during the holidays. Hes not family to you anymore and that needs to stop. I think Id stop going to family events if he was going and then your family will get the hint. They need realize that it makes him uncomfortable and you and youve been with him for 2 years. Its not like its a short term relationship. Edited September 2, 2011 by sweetypielovely Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheMongoose Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 The first 2 years i did stop going. It took me a year to get over him so i didnt want to see him with the girl he left me for, or just him in general. And then i was with my boyfriend now for a year without going to any family occasions because of this and my boyfriend took it as me not being over my ex and me not wanting him to be close to my family. So i really dont know what to do. Its like my family dont even care. Throughout the years him and my brother became really close friends also. I just dont know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetypielovely Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Well hes an old BF, your the daughter. There shouldnt even be a compromise here. I think you need to confront your parents head on or whoever is allowing this and tell them your not comfortable and to please respect your wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
cupcakekk Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 this seems really f-ed up! your ex still comes to YOUR family dinners?? does he not have a family that he can bring his own gf too? does anyone else not see a HUGE problem here? once you break up, you should lose all connections with people. i see that you guys were together for a very long time. that was how long i was with my ex boyfriend. some of my family members still contact him which i find very weird and have stopped talking to my family members who do still talk to him. they should know that it makes me upset and should realise and if they dont, then clearly they dont care about me or else they would stop. bottom line - your family and your life not your ex bf and his new gf. they should not be invading in your life! this is the most retarded thing i have ever heard. if i were you i would have never gone back to those family dinners. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheMongoose Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 I have. They "understand how it can make us uncomfortable." "but its not a problem for us to spend time with (my boyfriends) kids mother so its not fair for us ask (my ex) to be excluded in a family he has known and loved for over 12 years now." "Not to mention he's been bestfriends with your brother and your sisters husband for many years now and hes as much a part of this family as anybody else is" Not the exact words but thats pretty much what they said word for word of what i remember. I understand hes been close with my family for over half of our lifes but i was just as close to his family. I only talk to them once in awhile on facebook. I miss his family like crazy. I think it has more to do with the fact that my ex and i are on good terms, just him and my boyfriend went to school and worked together so they knew and disliked eachother prior to this(which i didnt know until the first family event i brought him 2) Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheMongoose Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 The problem with not talking to the family members who still talk to him is that its my whole family. Not a single person see's my side. They all think were over reacting and being selfish. I went two years without my family and i really missed them. And idk i just wish i could find a way to get them to get along or at least be civil. My ex always tells me how i shouldnt be with my boyfriend and i deserve so much better and blah blah. And it took my boyfriend forever to let go of the fact that i ever dated my ex and what i would ever see in a guy like that. If they would just find a way to get along i wouldnt mind him being there. Link to post Share on other sites
Sh0t Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 Well being best friends with your brother and sister's husband changes things for sure. Why did you guys not work out? Do you all still live in the same town? Link to post Share on other sites
cupcakekk Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 you ex sounds just like my ex. ugh what a jerk. if your family cannot see that it's bugging you maybe you should go straight to the ex! tell him to never speak to your family again considering you dont. tell him you miss them but find it would be weird if you were to come to their family dinners and what not. you are being fair and not selfish everyone else is. Link to post Share on other sites
BeyondtheClouds Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 **** yet he still comes to every thanksgiving, family reunion, christmas, etc.***** Just like someone else asked, OP, does he not have family of his own for these holidays. I'm on your side, OP, and I have seen it in my family. My mother and sister continued a relationship with my brother's psycho ex wife. And they knew that each time they saw her, it correlated with her trying to contact him. Some family member like drama. I bet yours throw their hands up and say, there's nothing I can do, he just keeps coming around. Sorry I don't have any foolproof solutions. See your family less. Be less forthcoming. How does your ex act at these family events, respectful and self-effacing or like he's more "family" to your family than your husband is. Just wondering if there can be some sort of compromise (As long as the ex behaves himself. My ex husband continued a friendship with his ex gf. After he gave her a good talking to, she behaved herself around me that it was doable.) Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 No offense, but your family seems to be rather ****ed up. Them adopting your ex' and all. To be honest, if I were you, in a situation where I can't reason with my family, I'd just pack my things and leave them for good. They can have a new son for all I care. Your BF is your man now, he keeps you warm at nights, be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 My ex and i broke up over 3 years ago, yet he still comes to every thanksgiving, family reunion, christmas, etc. uh, why? The real problem is at this point is simply that ive been with my boyfriend now for 2 years. We have two kids(his with ex) and own a house together. My family like him but they dont treat him like they do the ex. Not to mention how he feels having my ex come to all these things. Ive talked to my family about this but they refuse to listen. They say my boyfriend should understand that the ex is family and he's going to have to just get along with him and get used to having him in our lives. ya, but that doesn't explain them treating him better than your current boyfriend. I've seen this before. your family secretly, or hell, openly, wishes and hopes that you will get back together with your X someday. so of course your current BF doesn't like the situation. And with your family basically telling him, or having the attitude that he just needs to get over it, I'm surprised he is still around. They compare this to me getting along with the kids mother! and would they think its weird if his kid's mother came to their family functions? of course they would. has nothing to do with getting along, it has to do with appropriateness. I just dont know what to do. It bothers him to the point that he doesnt even want to go to anything of my families anymore.. well I don't blame him. your family is basically thumbing their nose at him. treating your X better and basically saying the X is more welcome than he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Osiris1234 Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 My ex always tells me how i shouldnt be with my boyfriend and i deserve so much better and blah blah How can you even be on good terms with him after he has talked about your boyfriend like that? I would personally not talk to your ex anymore or your family. This is exactly why you never ever be friends with ex's If I was your boyfriend id just tell him straight up "Don't get mad just because she broke up with you, and if you really need to tell other people who they should and shouldn't date then you have some serious issues you need to evaluate. She is with me now, and if you can't accept that then too bad, thats life. " Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheMongoose Posted September 3, 2011 Author Share Posted September 3, 2011 Were not really friends by good terms i mean were done talking crap about eachother to our friends and all that other childish stuff we did for 2years. It just got old. Im over him and didnt see the point of us trying to hurt eachother i guess? We just apologized for how we ended and the really dumb stuff we said and did to eachother and agreed to be civil. Although i think im just going to write him a email and tell him i dont want him and his girlfriend coming if they're going to start stuff between my fiance and i. Thats not really being civil. I'll update and say how it goes once i talk to him Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheMongoose Posted September 3, 2011 Author Share Posted September 3, 2011 And how we broke up is kinda a weird story i guess? technically we never did break up, we got into a huge fight so he left and went to the bar and i later found out thats when he met his girlfriend. And neither one of us called eachother for a few weeks. Then we talked but he didnt mention that he had a new girlfriend. I found that out a few weeks later from a mutual friend Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted September 3, 2011 Share Posted September 3, 2011 And how we broke up is kinda a weird story i guess? technically we never did break up, we got into a huge fight so he left and went to the bar and i later found out thats when he met his girlfriend. And neither one of us called eachother for a few weeks. Then we talked but he didnt mention that he had a new girlfriend. I found that out a few weeks later from a mutual friend That's terrible. Talk about a break in communication. How did you find out he had a girlfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheMongoose Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 I found out by one of our bestfriends. Although at that point they were just spending alot of time together and i assume other things, but were'nt dating yet. Although to be fair i was talking to another guy that i liked for quite some time when i talked to him on the phone. But after all our history i just couldnt get myself to tell him over a text. So we planned on meeting up later that night (through text) to talk. But when i called him he made up some dumb story about his friends just showed up and insisted he go the bar and once he gets home he'll probably be too tired to talk. My response was whatever if you dont want to be together anymore just tell me and we'll be done. He said he does want to it just seems he cant trust me. I told him thats what we were supposed to talk about. And all he said was im sorry i'll talk to soon. At that point we were both actually crying.. I planned on telling him about how i was talking to another guy that night, but once we got on the phone all i really wanted was him and i couldnt care less about the other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
linwood Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Your family is being seriously disrespectful and insensitive. I would refuse to go to any family gathering my ex was invited to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheMongoose Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 I decided to go straight to the source and write my ex an email. I explained to him that he's interferring in my relationship and he's hurting me by coming to MY family events. He told me he wasnt meaning to hurt me, that the only reason he comes is because he misses our friendship and i dont talk to him other than these events. I then told him that he knows we cant hangout like we used to and he knows that. Explains the why (My now fiance spent a year waiting for me after the breakup dealing with my constant crying,missing my ex and hating the exs girlfriend but through all that he still waited for me to fall for him. So he's not comfortable with us being friends and the ex's girlfriend doesnt like me. Ex made the mistake of telling her not only that he's loved me all his life and will always love me but he's also told her that he's happy he doesnt have to worry about other guys hitting on her like he did with me because nobody else would look at her twice, trying to be romantic im sure. But his girlfriend has told my family that she doesnt like me and he still has a pic of me and him as his computer screen? And she doesnt trust him to be alone with me.) Anyways he agreed to stop coming unless i invite him myself. I have a family thing Sunday so we'll see if he shows up or not. I dont believe my fiance will be attending due to my working so i will only be at families for about hr and a half. I told him he can come if he'd like its not required. Link to post Share on other sites
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