Mom's racist/sexist remarks and my boyfriend

[darkangel1308]

Hi guys, I'm new here, and I'm a little saddened that this is what my first post is about. I've been lurking for a little bit and I've seen some of the advice given on these forums, and so I was hoping you all would be able to shed a little light on my situation =) A bit long, so thanks in advance for any advice!

 

Let me start by saying, I am Asian and recently I met a guy at my last internship site. Anyway, I had always noticed that he had taken an interest in me, and then one day, he asked me out. I accepted his date and we've been dating for about 3 months now. We see each other about 2-4x a week, depending on our schedules. He is kind, patient, has a good heart and a great sense of humor, and we get along fabulously. Although we're dating exclusively, we're still taking things slow and seeing where they lead, since it's still new.

 

Only problem, at least for my mom, is that he's Puerto Rican, although he and his siblings were born and raised in the US and have lived here all their lives, as was I. I've met his family and they've said nothing but nice things about me to him, and that they love how I make him so happy.

 

Although he has not met my family yet, most of the family members that know about me and him (my brother, my dad, my cousins, uncles and aunts. My grandmother is neutral but she judges people for who they are, not what they are) have been supportive, and want me to eventually marry somebody because he's good to me and because of love, not because of skin color or religion. The only person who is openly dead-set against it is my mom.

 

I've always been close to my family, and my mother was the first person I told about him. This man has a steady career, is financially stable, and he and his family are very close. Even though that's the kind of person my mom wants me to date (and eventually marry), once the fact that he was Puerto Rican came out, she began saying some really hurtful things. She says she hates Puerto Rican people because the women are loose and the men only care about sex and getting their women pregnant as teenagers (??) and leaving them. She says they will sleep with anything that moves, treat women like s**t, are all lowlifes, and she called them the worst people on Earth. And she refuses to meet and get to know him, saying there's no point because she's supposedly met tons of them, and they're "all the same".

 

She then went on to wonder aloud how I could "stoop so low" to date someone like that. She also said "Don't you dare marry him in the future, I don't want any stupid dark-skinned Puerto Rican grandchildren running around". I told her he and his entire family are light-skinned, and she said "Doesn't matter, they're still going to be Puerto Rican children" and "He's going to leave you once you're old and ugly, I guarantee you because that's their culture, and you'll be stuck with Puerto Rican children, what then?" She also said that if I continued to see him, I would put my entire family to shame (even though most of my family members, on both my mom and dad's side, have no problem with it and are just happy to see me happy). I pointed out what my other family members thought, and she said that they may act supportive, but on the inside, they're ashamed of me. When it came to what my dad thought, she just brushed it off and said his opinion doesn't count (they are divorced and it was NOT amicable).

 

She also said I would be an embarrassment and a laughingstock to Asian people and she would be humiliated in front of other people and "lose face". Then she said "have fun getting an STD if you marry him, they're all disease-ridden. Trust me, it's an embarrassment to say you're from Puerto Rico." (FYI...he's been tested and I've seen the results, he is 100% clean). To top it off, she said our future children would be mixed and that they would hate us because people would bully them. One of my second cousins is half-black, half-Asian (dark skin, Asian facial features), and although he is quite a good-looking kid, my mom called my cousin's Asian mother selfish for bringing a kid who looks like that into the world. The night that she said those things, I was so horrified that my own mother could say things like that so openly, and I came home and cried because I was so upset.

 

This isn't the first time she's said racist things. She says all Korean and Japanese men have no respect for women and beat their wives, all white people are loose and selfish, Mexicans and African-Americans are lowlifes and criminals, and Indians are all selfish, cheap wife-beaters, just to name a few. When I was younger, her remarks never bothered me that much, and I even used to laugh at some of them, but now that I'm 27, what she says is really beginning to offend me. The worst part is, she says these things loudly, and when I asked her to stop making racist remarks once, she just said to me that she's not racist, those are just factual observations that she's made over the years. She said that once I grow up more, that I would see that she was right all along. She then went on to call me disrespectful because I dared to "talk back" to her.

 

My older cousin has an Indian girlfriend and he brought her to a family dinner once. My mom said to us (out of earshot of him) "Ugh, what the hell is he doing with an Indian girl?? I bet you he's going to dump her soon".

 

My grandmother just tells me to listen to whatever my mom says because she's always right >.>

 

Now, she and my dad have been divorced for about 15 years now. They still do not get along, and he was the first person she married. Anyway, she has an extremely low opinion of men. I dated my last boyfriend for 4 years, who was American. I got the same "Americans are loose and selfish" comments from her the whole time. In addition, she kept going on and on about how all men will cheat on you, how they'll all beat you and leave you for someone younger and prettier eventually (her exact words were "just wait until you get pregnant and become fat and ugly, and see if he sticks around"). She says love doesn't exist and anyone who thinks so is just naive.

 

Yes, I've tried to talk to her about it, tell her that the things she says are hurtful and offensive. She told me to suck it up and that if I can't deal with some criticism, then I'm just stupid and need to grow up, and then I'd see for myself. She doesn't listen to anything I say, because she's the elder and she's always right, while I never know what I'm talking about.

 

The only thing keeping me sane through all this is being with my guy, and the rest of my family, who have been telling me to ignore those ridiculous things she says and do what makes me happy, because in the end, I have to live with the consequences of my actions, not her.

 

I live with her for the time being as I was saving money to get a car, but now that I have one and have some money saved up, I am looking at apartments because I plan on moving out in the next week or two.

 

It really hurts me that my mom acts this way, because despite everything, she's still my mother and I love her, even if I don't love the things she says. Her comments about other ethnic groups and about men in general are really getting on my nerves and hurting my feelings, especially when it concerns the guy I'm considering becoming serious with, and she won't even give him a chance. I know I can't change the way she thinks, but any advice on how I can talk to her about this? Get her to at least meet the guy I'm dating and stop judging him just based on his nationality? Thanks guys I know I was ranting so if you all need me to clarify anything, I'd be happy to do so.

[TigerCub]

Yiikes!!

Your mom is so ignorant and offensive - I'm actually surprised that I read it all.

 

Here are the facts:

no one is going to be enough for your mom - she's obviously racist against everyone.

 

If you allow her to talk **** about your guy, its guaranteed that it will be the end of you (you and your bf). Who in their right mind would want to be around someone that thinks they're a lowlife and thinks that they're scum?

 

Its good that you're moving out.

 

I know that you love your mother, but honestly, when she keeps talking s**t about the men you see, and how you're going to be cheated on and that you're bringing shame to everyone and all that crap, say to her "keep your opinions to yourself, I don't need advice from someone that couldn't even get THEIR marriage to work"

 

it may be hurtful, but that's what she deserves to hear.

 

Once you move out, tell her, she has a choice, she can either be pleasant around the guy you bring to meet her, or you simply wont be bringing anyone by and she will, as a result miss out on a big part of your life because you're not going to stop spending a majority of your time with you bf.

 

Your mom is a nut job (sorry if that sounds mean, but her views piss me off) - oh and no, I'm not Puerto Rican

[bentnotbroken]

Yiikes!!

Your mom is so ignorant and offensive - I'm actually surprised that I read it all.

 

Here are the facts:

no one is going to be enough for your mom - she's obviously racist against everyone.

 

If you allow her to talk **** about your guy, its guaranteed that it will be the end of you (you and your bf). Who in their right mind would want to be around someone that thinks they're a lowlife and thinks that they're scum?

 

Its good that you're moving out.

 

I know that you love your mother, but honestly, when she keeps talking s**t about the men you see, and how you're going to be cheated on and that you're bringing shame to everyone and all that crap, say to her "keep your opinions to yourself, I don't need advice from someone that couldn't even get THEIR marriage to work"

 

it may be hurtful, but that's what she deserves to hear.

 

Once you move out, tell her, she has a choice, she can either be pleasant around the guy you bring to meet her, or you simply wont be bringing anyone by and she will, as a result miss out on a big part of your life because you're not going to stop spending a majority of your time with you bf.

 

Your mom is a nut job (sorry if that sounds mean, but her views piss me off) - oh and no, I'm not Puerto Rican

 

 

Double ditto everything in this post. People like you describe your mom are the people I have to prepare my children to deal with.

[darkangel1308]

Thanks, guys. Well, I know that my mom would always be polite and friendly in his presence. It would be behind his back that she says these things, whenever she can get me alone. She would never embarrass herself by making a scene in front of a guest or in public. I thought about getting other family members to talk to her about it, but she won't listen to anybody except my grandma (her mother), who, coincidentally, tells me over and over "don't fight with your mom, just listen to her, she brought you into this world and brought you up. Listen to everything she says and respect her".

 

The only guy that will seem to appease her is someone of our nationality (Chinese) and someone who has a lucrative career...doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc. But even then I know she will still talk s**t about men in general. I'm currently in graduate school for healthcare, and I graduate next year. She told me that when I start working, I will meet a nice doctor/nurse and end up marrying him, or she'll introduce me to some "nice Chinese guys who are good for you".

 

TigerCub, I'd tell her what you said, except the reason she and my dad divorced was because my dad was not good to her and he cheated (he admitted both to me and said he should never have done it), even though I suspect she wasn't entirely good to him either.

 

Her views piss me off, too, and I would never in a million years teach my future children these things, or expose them to it. Funny enough, she was saying some of these things again this morning, when I told her I wouldn't be around for dinner because I was going out with him. I got really irritated and told her that I really don't need to hear these things because she hasn't even met him. She just told me that even though he sounds like a nice guy, to quit being ignorant because things were never going to work out with him. She said to keep him as a good friend and nothing more. Every time I try to defend him or stand up for myself she just talks louder, over me, or tells me to shut up and listen (her father used to do that to her so she thinks its okay...I was raised to think that my parents/elders are always right and to talk back was considered disrespect).

 

I would like her to meet him so that she can see he isn't just one of those stereotypes, even if that should go without saying. Should I just bring him to a family dinner one day unannounced? Or to my youngest uncle's upcoming wedding (he and his fiancee have no issues with me bringing him whatsoever and invited both of us. I know my mom wouldn't make a scene in public although she would probably scream about it afterward, in private)? Thanks again!

Edited September 2, 2011 by darkangel1308

[AHardDaysNight]

It sounds like she's living her own insecurity through you. She's afraid to date herself, so she's using your dating as an excuse to push her own agendas.

 

I'm so sorry.

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[darkangel1308]

Well, thanks for the advice, guys Just thought I'd give a little update...I brought my boyfriend as my date to my uncle's wedding, and everyone that met him liked him. Even my dad, who's never been interested in meeting any of my exes, wants to meet my boyfriend (he lives in another country but will be visiting next month).

 

My mom was polite to him, as I knew she would be. My boyfriend went out of his way to be nice and courteous to her the entire time, so I thought she would think at least a little differently of him. I didn't see her for about 3 days afterward as I left with my boyfriend, but my brother said that on the entire way home, she was screaming about it (he never went into details about what exactly she was screaming about, as he tends to ignore her when she says things like that). She then sent me a really nasty text insulting him and saying that I was an idiot if we were more than friends. She kept saying "He's Puerto Rican, that's their culture, he's going to leave you once he's done 'having fun' with you he's going to ditch you. Don't come crying to me when he dumps you, because you're going to." She then went on to tell stories about how my dad didn't turn out the way she expected and she uses that as a basis of why relationships don't work...then she said "Puerto Ricans and Spanish are ten times worse. He's going to take all your money when you're older and more successful than he is." She also said things like "They're all going to be unfaithful, I guarantee you." I was so pissed when she said these things, that I refused to talk to her for awhile. She got really angry at first, then she started acting excessively nice, and then she got mad again.

 

Eventually, I told her, respectfully and nicely that she should trust me to make my own decisions, but she kept on talking like she never heard me.

 

As far as I know, she's been telling people that he's just a friend and she starts screaming if I ever call him my boyfriend. She even told me "don't you dare tell anyone he's your boyfriend, it's embarrassing" She actually wanted to hook me up with one of my uncle's friends...who, ironically, is American, but I have no interest in him (he is a nice guy, but I'm already with someone who I'm happy with). She couldn't understand why I didn't like him, since she refuses to acknowledge that I have a boyfriend. So I pointed out that he was white (since prior she wanted me to only marry Chinese), she got mad at me again and started yelling "yeah, but he has a respectable job. He's better for you, I know that. This guy (my boyfriend) is no good for you. He's not even the right race!" So I don't even know what would make her happy, if anything.

 

I try to talk to her, but she either talks over me or ignores me completely, so my brother and I gave up trying to talk to her/argue with her a long time ago. No one else can talk to her since she doesn't listen to anybody, and never has. And she will never admit she's wrong. She doesn't want to see him again and she told me never to invite him to anymore family functions. I swear this guy has done nothing but be friendly and courteous to her. And the rest of my family and friends love him. I've also met most of his family and they adore me, and all his friends/coworkers are all excited to see him so happy and are happy for him, from what he's told me.

 

My mom and I were close when I was younger, so it hurts that she acts like this. She doesn't even want me mentioning his name in her presence, and she'll make fun of him or make snide comments about him whenever she's not yelling or lecturing me about him.

 

I keep my distance from her, for the most part, since I live on my own and I go home every now and then to have lunch with my brother. Is there anything else I can do to try and talk to her? Or is keeping a distance the only way?

 

Thanks again!

Edited September 25, 2011 by darkangel1308

[january2011]

If she were my mum, I'd end up telling her I love her but that because she can't behave, I'm not visiting her anymore until she learns to be civil. It's drastic, I know, but it may come down to this.

 

Her negativity will eventually wear you down and you'll either need to compartmentalise so that you can survive when you're with her, later having to face your boyfriend knowing all the nasty things that she has been saying about him, or you have a bad day with your boyfriend and you suddenly hear your mom's voice and for a brief moment, you'll wonder if she was right after all. Don't let her suck you into her toxic world. It will drain you.

 

At the bottom of her heart, I would hope that all she really wants is for you to be happy. She just can't see that you are happy with the current boyfriend. It's not her place to decide your hopes and dreams or future, those are down to you.

 

Oh and unless she's the host, I'd ignore her regarding bringing your boyfriend to family functions, it's not her call. And as you said, he's met some of them and they get on.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[pureinheart]

It sounds to me like it's more about having a "people" problem rather than racist. She doesn't like any race according to your OP, or not many. The "possible senarios" that your mom brought up, well anybody is capable of those acts...no race or religion required...lol.

 

She sounds angry. Just love her the best you can and do what you want.

 

I would try to have a talk with her, set your boundries now, although don't be surprised if you have to cut off communication in the event that she cannot hold her tongue.

 

You got my thoughts and prayers that she will change her mind:)

[blugirl]

Whoa, I feel for you OP, same here. Almost. Because my mum still doesnt know I'm with an Asian guy (I'm Caucasian) and her attitude to Asians is just the same like your mum's to the rest of the world. Heard same hurtful racist things about Asians and some other races frm her, makes me disgusted with the fact she's my mother despite I love her. It makes me sad to think that my mum is such a narrow-minded person and I can bet 100% that, if in the future I get married to my current bf, I will go through the same as you now and it will get on my nerves a lot. Unless I will stop bothering about her opinion till that time.

[Goldenspoon]

Hi guys, I'm new here, and I'm a little saddened that this is what my first post is about. I've been lurking for a little bit and I've seen some of the advice given on these forums, and so I was hoping you all would be able to shed a little light on my situation =) A bit long, so thanks in advance for any advice!

 

I have two questions:

 

1) Is your half-black cousin's mother still married to your cousin's father?

 

2) What happened between you and your American boyfriend of four years?

[darkangel1308]

I have two questions:

 

1) Is your half-black cousin's mother still married to your cousin's father?

 

2) What happened between you and your American boyfriend of four years?

 

Goldenspoon, to answer your questions:

 

1) No, his parents were never married. I don't know him well and I've never met his mother, but as far as I know, his mother is now married to an American guy. Again, I don't know him well but when I met him, my cousins talked about his "two dads" very fondly.

 

2) We were long distance the entire 4 years, grew apart, and had too many differences that we couldn't work out. In addition, he didn't want to move to where I lived (I was in NY and he was in WA state). I originally wanted to move to where he lived, but as the time neared, I realized I didn't want to be so far away from my friends and family. So I thought it best that we part ways.

 

My mom still hasn't changed her mind about my boyfriend...she seems so happy whenever I don't mention him, but whenever his name comes up, she'll start screaming or lecturing me (mostly about the fact that he's a Puerto Rican man). Just yesterday she called Puerto Ricans (well, all Hispanics) lazy and irresponsible. When I tried to tell her that my boyfriend has had a stable, respectable career for years (he is 5 years older than me) and went to an Ivy League grad school, she ignored me and said "so what, stop fooling yourself" or something along those lines. She then kept talking over me, saying she hoped that I would meet a nice resident (doctor) in my next clinical affiliation, since I requested to be placed in a hospital setting to fulfill my inpatient setting requirement to graduate.

 

I think it might be a people problem also. She disliked my ex also, not because of his personality or because of anything he did to her, but because he was a white man who was my age and still in school. She kept telling me, all 4 years, that "white people are trashy / easy" and begged me to "quit acting like those trashy white girls, you're Chinese and way better than them". Whenever I visited him, she'd tell me that his family/friends were going to think less of me, think I was desperate for a man, and were going to abuse me. In contrast, his family and friends treated me like one of their own, and at his older brother's wedding, he insisted that I sit up front with the family because I was "practically family". Of course, back then, when I told my mom that, she ignored me and kept going as though I'd never said anything.

 

My mother also insisted that my ex was going to dump me as soon as he got out of school, and that he was too young/inexperienced for me and doesn't know what he wants. Then, on the flip side, she said that my current boyfriend is too experienced for me (because he is older by a few years) and was just using me until the next better thing comes along.

 

As far as I can remember, she's raised me to be distrustful of others, and told me multiples times when I was younger, and even now, that "I'm the only one who cares about you". She said that love doesn't exist and was only something that stupid young girls believed in. She also says that she feels sorry for people who get married because they're going to be miserable. I honestly can't remember one person, her own family/friends included, she hasn't insulted in some way, or ridiculed, except for her parents.

 

pureinheart, thanks, I pointed out to her that the scenarios she listed are acts capable of anybody, male or female, any race, any religion. She said she agreed and said nothing else. Then the next day, she carried on with the same rants as before as though we'd never even talked about that.

 

It's hard for me to tell her I'm not going to visit her until she stops, as my brother lives with her and I go home to see him once or twice a week. Also, if there is a family function she'll be there as well.

 

I'd hope she just wants me to be happy as well, but I don't know how I can show her that my boyfriend and I are happy if she refuses to see him and refuses to at least try to talk to him and get to know him as more than just "some Puerto Rican man".

 

blugirl, I understand...if you want to talk, send me a PM

[Sophiegirl]

She has WAY too much power over you. I would simply say that she raised you and now she needs to trust you to make your own decisions. Also, you might want to let her know that if she makes it impossible for you to be with your BF and her, she might not like your choice. Then if she bashes your BF, I would stand up and say, "you may not talk about my BF this way. Call me when you can be kind," and walk out.

 

My favorite quote for you to think about...

"The common link in all of your dysfunctional relationships is YOU." It sounds like your Mom hasn't figured out how to have functional relationships. Maybe you can be a good example for her?

[Goldenspoon]

Goldenspoon, to answer your questions:

 

1) No, his parents were never married. I don't know him well and I've never met his mother, but as far as I know, his mother is now married to an American guy. Again, I don't know him well but when I met him, my cousins talked about his "two dads" very fondly.

 

2) We were long distance the entire 4 years, grew apart, and had too many differences that we couldn't work out. In addition, he didn't want to move to where I lived (I was in NY and he was in WA state). I originally wanted to move to where he lived, but as the time neared, I realized I didn't want to be so far away from my friends and family. So I thought it best that we part ways.

 

She is right about both of the above, isn't she? According to her, black men are no good, as you can see, the father didn't marry the mother, and she also predicted that you and the American guy won't work out.

 

I am not saying that I agree with her, but just mentioning that you shouldn't deny her own experiences.

[darkangel1308]

No, I know what you're saying. I know exactly why she thinks the way she does and I know about the experiences that led her to say the things she's saying, well, some of them, at least. I'm not denying her her own experiences at all...in fact, I always try to see things from the other person's point of view, and for years I've tried to understand where she was coming from.

 

What I was asking for originally is how exactly to deal with a situation like this. I have tried talking to her before, multiple times, only to be talked over, ignored, insulted, or told to be quiet and stop being disrespectful. I never in my life raised my voice at her. The only thing I could think of was moving out and not talk about my boyfriend so much in front of her, which works, but I don't want to "hide" him from her forever, because eventually they will cross paths again, like at holidays and other family functions, and my other family members want to see him again and get to know him more.

 

Perhaps she does have too much power over me...but I'm trying to get away from that. Both my brother and I were conditioned since we were young to always listen to her and respect her without question, that she is always right. She blamed my dad (and still does) for everything that went wrong in their marriage (though after knowing them both and talking to family members it's clear that they both had something to do with it, and not just him). However, she's extremely proud and would never admit she was wrong or made a mistake.

 

No, she's never had many functional relationships in her life...for example, by her own admittance, she dates men just to use them. She's told me she strings them along, then when they want to get serious or propose, she ditches them and then makes fun of them to my brother and I. So if my boyfriend and I do become serious and consider marriage a few years down the line, I hope that she'll see that he's still sticking around and that we're happy, and hopefully she can at least come to tolerate the relationship, if not accept it.

 

Keep the advice and thoughts coming, guys, thanks so much. You've all really given me a lot to think about and I appreciate that very much

[Goldenspoon]

No, I know what you're saying. I know exactly why she thinks the way she does and I know about the experiences that led her to say the things she's saying, well, some of them, at least. I'm not denying her her own experiences at all...in fact, I always try to see things from the other person's point of view, and for years I've tried to understand where she was coming from.

 

You agree with me then that she's right?

[darkangel1308]

You agree with me then that she's right?

 

I said that I can see why she would say SOME of the things she does. Doesn't mean I agree with her or think she's right.

[TwinkletOes26]

Sounds like we have the same mother kinda LOL...my mother acted this way when I brought someone home of another race. She demanded that I break up with him bc she thought the KLAN would come get us. It was the late 90s and we lived in an all black neighborhood that had gotten run over with gangs yea I dared tha Klan to come to our neighborhood.

 

Anyway best thing to do until you can move is to ignore her and inform her you dont agree. Then tell her that she is not always right and just because she has an opinon doesnt mean everyone wants to hear it. She will prolly continue her behavior but you have at least let her know you dont agree.

 

When you do move inform her she can not speak with you until she gets her attiotude in check. You are an adult and like the others said she should worry about her failed relationships.

[darkangel1308]

Sounds like we have the same mother kinda LOL...my mother acted this way when I brought someone home of another race. She demanded that I break up with him bc she thought the KLAN would come get us. It was the late 90s and we lived in an all black neighborhood that had gotten run over with gangs yea I dared tha Klan to come to our neighborhood.

 

Anyway best thing to do until you can move is to ignore her and inform her you dont agree. Then tell her that she is not always right and just because she has an opinon doesnt mean everyone wants to hear it. She will prolly continue her behavior but you have at least let her know you dont agree.

 

When you do move inform her she can not speak with you until she gets her attiotude in check. You are an adult and like the others said she should worry about her failed relationships.

 

Ouch...she thought the Klan would come get you guys? That is harsh...lol :/ Sorry to hear that.

 

I try to ignore her the best I can. Anytime I say anything back to her it gets ignored and she talks over me, so I gave up. I can't exactly ignore/not see her, as my brother lives with her still and I still see her at family functions/dinners, which we have every week or two. Also, because family is important to me, I have no desire to never speak to her again, although I have been limiting my contact with her. I'll still bring him around to holiday events and such, since the rest of my family is fine with him. I still hope that she will at least come to tolerate this in time.

 

She should worry about her failed relationships, I agree, but she thinks she did nothing wrong in any of them (ie my dad divorced her because he was a horrible, evil person, her friends are too annoying/screwed her over, the men she dated were only good for their money, etc...). As far as I've known her she's always blamed her problems on someone else.

 

I see her about once or twice a week now for a few hours, and she keeps telling me about all these men she wants me to meet and how I can never tell anyone I have a boyfriend. She actually said to me yesterday: "Everytime you mention his name or I hear about you being with him I get so angry". He was really friendly and polite to her when he met her, but just because he's older than me, she's convinced that it's all an act. I don't tell her things anymore and although I don't like that it's causing a rift between us, I'm starting to accept it slowly because I don't know if there's anything else I can do.

 

Really appreciate all your replies

Edited October 11, 2011 by darkangel1308