He lied about his ex.... can I trust that he really does want to change??

[FirelightSJ]

From what I've read, this is a forum with a lot of different and healthy perspectives on things, and that's what I need right now. If ANYONE has any opinions or experience with something similar, please help me figure this out!!

 

I've been with my bf for a year and a half, and he is wonderful... our relationship is very serious, we've talked a little about marriage. The problem is his ex. They were together for a year, before he met me... broke up partly because she was moving... but now she's back. He's stayed in touch with her, and I know he talks to her regularly, sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. (I've seen the call lists on his phone.) His friends told me she was an awful person, very manipulative, and were surprised he was still talking to her... so I don't trust her intentions, regardless of his. But he NEVER mentions to me that he's talked to her.... I can't think of a single time, in the course of a year.

 

But it bugged me, so we talked about it... and he said he'd always been friends with his ex's, it was nothing to worry about... they didn't end on bad terms, so he felt no reason to just stop talking. But he promised me that if anything ever felt shady, or crossed the line at all, he would tell me. I forced myself to trust him.

 

Then recently we were out with friends one night, and he was on the phone with her (I saw him dial her number) and I felt good, because if he felt comfortable enough to talk to her with me there, he couldn't be hiding anything, right? Except he came back and his friend asked who he was talking to, and he LIED. And I was shocked. So we talked about it afterwards and he apologized, and promised it wouldn't happen again. I begged him not to keep this stuff secret from me... if he had to talk to her, ok, I would accept it..... but please please not to hide any of it anymore. He agreed, I forced myself to trust him again.

 

Still, he never mentioned her. So last week I told him I would feel better if he did... so it wouldn't seem like such a mystery. He got very withdrawn and defensive with me at first, not understanding why I was dwelling on it, but then we had a long, open discussion about how I needed him to be patient in helping me work through these insecurities.... he said he would tell me when he talked to her from now on, to make me feel more comfortable. And I felt really good about everything.

 

THAT CHANGED. A few days ago, I used his phone and saw that he'd talked to her several times in the past week... so I waited to see if he mentioned it, but no. So I asked him... and he looked me in the eye and told me the last time he talked to her was that time we were out with his friends, over a month ago. My heart STOPPED. That night I told him that I knew he was lying.... and now he feels absolutely awful, I know that, he said he doesn't know why he's always felt like he had to lie about those things, even when there's nothing to hide... he knows he's wrong, I don't deserve this, he wants to get better, etc. He said he would start making a list of each time he talks to her, so that nothing is hidden. I believe him that it was just phone calls (though I'm sure flirty phone calls).... and I believe that he hides it instinctually, without thinking of the consequences. I also believe that he wants to change... he is miserable about this right now. But I CANNOT be in a relationship with somebody I can't trust. Still, in every other aspect, I could easily spend the rest of my life with this guy. So I have NO IDEA where to go from here??

 

I am so so sorry for how long this is, but if anyone's managed to make it the whole way to the bottom, PLEASE let me know what you think. This is tearing me apart.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by FirelightSJ

He said he would start making a list of each time he talks to her, so that nothing is hidden.

 

Well how special of him. But the bigger question is, which is somewhere at the root of your situation is, why the H*LL does he need to keep talking to her like this? You know, I can see someone remaining friends with an ex.....and maybe chatting with them every ONCE IN AWHILE...like once every month or 2, just to say "hi, how's life going?"........but for these 2 to be talking several times a week......and he's lying about it.....that's a #1 HUGE RED FLAG.

 

It's bizarre and amazingly disrespectful to you and your relationship together, for him to have this continued and CONSTANT communication with her. What the heck is the point? Hello? They are obviously exes for a reason. His behavior is rude and suspicious, I hate to say it.

 

God, they only went out for a year...big whoopy doo. It's not like they have years of history together......it was only a year. For them to be communicating this often, you should be p*ssed and concerned. And to add to that, his continued need to lie to you about it, you need to be strong and stand your ground and re-evaluate your relationship.

 

I myself wouldn't put up with this for as long as you have. He's been busted for lying, and has promised to chance twice now. AND NOW..in his plea to not lose you, his idea of being loving is to offer to make a "list" of the times they talk? He's screwed up!! If he had any respect for you, he wouldn't be talking to her period...except maybe twice a year, at Christmas to say Merry Christmas or whatever.

 

Why must they talk so often? What the hell do they talk about? Sounds very fishy to me.

 

Are you sure he doesn't "see her" behind your back, too?

 

If it were me, I'd dump him....because I just don't put up with suspicious behavior and being repeatedly lied to.....but that's just me.

[bluechocolate]

But I CANNOT be in a relationship with somebody I can't trust. Still, in every other aspect, I could easily spend the rest of my life with this guy.

 

What other aspects? Doesn't matter how "great" he is if you can't trust him. Or does it?

 

..how I needed him to be patient in helping me work through these insecurities....

 

Huh? Your partner REPEATEDLY lying to you about contact with his ex and you think you have insecurities?

 

Sounds to me like this guy is only "sorry" about his lying when he's caught at it. If you can't trust him on this

( and you shouldn't ) then what else is he lying about? You think that he's lying to you "instinctually"? What is he? A baboon? A dog?

 

Lying is not instinctual - it's a deliberate & conscious act. If it were in any way instinctual for this guy then he has some serious maladjustment which would require professional help.

 

I don't think he's over this ex of his. If speaking to her so often is this important to him, important enough that he continually has to lie to you about it, then let him go back to her.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think I’m with the others on this one. Then again, I’m a hard-nose when it comes to this issue.

 

But he promised me that if anything ever felt shady, or crossed the line at all, he would tell me.

 

EVERYBODY makes this promise in their relationship.

 

“I promise to tell you if I’m unhappy before I even consider cheating.”

 

“I promise I won’t cheat on you…I’ll respect you enough to leave this relationship before I hurt you that way.”

 

I promise we’re just friends. You’re the one I love and want to be with.”

 

“I promise to be upfront and let you know if an ex contacts me. I won’t keep any secrets from you…I promise!”

 

The problem is, people seldom keep their promises. That’s why forums like this exist. Dishonesty by omission, and “sorry” doesn’t cut it if he has to keep apologizing over and over again for the same thing. ACTIONS speak louder than words and you should TRUST what you see and not what you ‘hear.’

 

Sure, he’s a nice guy and all that. In the beginning you may have even saw some real potential in him. But the truth is: he’s a liar, a sneak, and has proved over and over again he CAN’T be trusted to keep his word.

 

You’re not insecure. You’re in denial.

 

So how many more chances do you intend to give him before finally giving him the boot? There are better guys out there who aren’t attached at the hip to their ex-lovers. Find someone who’s able to put healthy closure on past relationships so they are better equipped to focus their attention on their current one. Or…just date him and leave your options open. But whatever you do…DON’T MARRY HIM!

[Rightlymia]

sorry to say it but he's sleeping with her too. They aren't just talking several times a week and not making plans to hang out .

[faux]

Originally posted by FirelightSJ

From what I've read, this is a forum with a lot of different and healthy perspectives on things, and that's what I need right now. If ANYONE has any opinions or experience with something similar, please help me figure this out!!

 

I've been with my bf for a year and a half, and he is wonderful... our relationship is very serious, we've talked a little about marriage. The problem is his ex. They were together for a year, before he met me... broke up partly because she was moving... but now she's back. He's stayed in touch with her, and I know he talks to her regularly, sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. (I've seen the call lists on his phone.) His friends told me she was an awful person, very manipulative, and were surprised he was still talking to her... so I don't trust her intentions, regardless of his. But he NEVER mentions to me that he's talked to her.... I can't think of a single time, in the course of a year.

 

You do not trust HER? Do you know this girl? Have you spoken to her or attempted to get to know her?

 

But it bugged me, so we talked about it... and he said he'd always been friends with his ex's, it was nothing to worry about... they didn't end on bad terms, so he felt no reason to just stop talking. But he promised me that if anything ever felt shady, or crossed the line at all, he would tell me. I forced myself to trust him.

 

Trust cannot be forced. You either trust your boyfriend or you do not. Decide. You said you do not trust her, but now you do not trust your boyfriend. Make up your mind. I see that this is going very badly and I believe I know what is coming along with the rest of your story.

 

Then recently we were out with friends one night, and he was on the phone with her (I saw him dial her number) and I felt good, because if he felt comfortable enough to talk to her with me there, he couldn't be hiding anything, right? Except he came back and his friend asked who he was talking to, and he LIED. And I was shocked. So we talked about it afterwards and he apologized, and promised it wouldn't happen again. I begged him not to keep this stuff secret from me... if he had to talk to her, ok, I would accept it..... but please please not to hide any of it anymore. He agreed, I forced myself to trust him again.

 

You knew that he dialed her number. He told his friend that he was speaking to someone else. The friend is not you, therefore he did not lie to you about talking to her. I hate it when people ask me who I am on the phone with, as it is my own private conversation. He had the right not to answer, or to lie as he did. Perhaps simply not answering would have been more proper.

 

Sadly, it is really not any of your business to know who he is speaking to unless he volunteers that information to you. It sounds as though you do not trust your boyfriend at all, so maybe there should not be a relationship happening here. When you are involved with someone you need to trust in them to do what is right.

 

No amount of controlling or watching will prevent your partner from being unfaithful if he or she really wants to cheat. You can either trust him to do what is right because you care for him, or continue on this nervous jealousy streak of distrust and make things harder. If something bad will happen there will be no way for you to ever prevent it.

 

Again, stop forcing trust. You either trust him or you do not. Again, decide on that.

 

Still, he never mentioned her. So last week I told him I would feel better if he did... so it wouldn't seem like such a mystery. He got very withdrawn and defensive with me at first, not understanding why I was dwelling on it, but then we had a long, open discussion about how I needed him to be patient in helping me work through these insecurities.... he said he would tell me when he talked to her from now on, to make me feel more comfortable. And I felt really good about everything.

 

You knowing more about his conversations with his friend (who happens to be an ex) is not going to help you with your insecurities. You requesting that he come to you with more information is simply fueling your insecurities, and providing you a way to harvest more information that you do not need to or want to really hear.

 

THAT CHANGED. A few days ago, I used his phone and saw that he'd talked to her several times in the past week... so I waited to see if he mentioned it, but no. So I asked him... and he looked me in the eye and told me the last time he talked to her was that time we were out with his friends, over a month ago. My heart STOPPED.

 

Instead of your heart stopping, you should stop what you are doing, as I feel it is wrong. He has a right to talk to whoever he chooses, as do you, and you seem quite the controlling type. If I were him, I would have left long ago to simply be single and alone, rather than remain with someone who is so very adamant about governing me with an iron fist, and making me feel guilty when I have done nothing wrong.

 

You did the right thing in discussing how this bothered you. You did the wrong thing in how you went about it after that. Tell him again that it bothers you, and that you would like him to stop speaking with her entirely (I'm quite sure that is what you really do want). However, understand that he does not have to stop talking to her, and that he does not have to tell you when he speaks with her. You may think that it is wrong, but he has that right and depriving him of that right is very selfish and cruel.

 

That night I told him that I knew he was lying.... and now he feels absolutely awful...

 

It seems to me that all you have been doing, this entire time, is trying to make him feel awful. Lovely way to show you care.

 

...I know that, he said he doesn't know why he's always felt like he had to lie about those things, even when there's nothing to hide...

 

He probably knew you would get psychopathic on him, make him feel guilty, and never drop the issue as you very well have.

 

he knows he's wrong, I don't deserve this, he wants to get better, etc.

 

He isn't wrong. He doesn't deserve what you are putting him through, and he doesn't need to get better. Maybe you need to calm down over these things.

 

He said he would start making a list of each time he talks to her, so that nothing is hidden. I believe him that it was just phone calls (though I'm sure flirty phone calls).... and I believe that he hides it instinctually, without thinking of the consequences. I also believe that he wants to change... he is miserable about this right now. But I CANNOT be in a relationship with somebody I can't trust. Still, in every other aspect, I could easily spend the rest of my life with this guy. So I have NO IDEA where to go from here??

 

You ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE THAT YOU DO NOT TRUST. Say what you mean. This man does not deserve to be tied to you if you treat him so horribly. Let him have his friends. Do not force him into sharing with you this information that does not involve you, and frankly does nothing but make you more irate.

 

If you do not trust him then leave. If you cannot respect the fact that, in a dating relationship, both parties have the right to speak to who they want to and to be friends with who they want to, then leave the dating relationship. Your boyfriend has the right not to be made to feel guilty, or to be hurt, or to be controlled.

 

I am so so sorry for how long this is, but if anyone's managed to make it the whole way to the bottom, PLEASE let me know what you think. This is tearing me apart.

 

That is what I think. I think that you are the one tearing yourself apart by making this into a huge issue. You are not trying to get over your insecurities; you are throwing gasoline on them and you are burning up your boyfriend in the process. If you do not trust him, then again I say leave him. There is nothing that you can do that would stop your boyfriend from lying to you if he wanted to, or from cheating on you if he wanted to. There is, similarly, nothing that your boyfriend can do to ensure that you do not betray him.

 

If you decide that you trust your boyfriend, then stop making his friend an issue. Do not look at his call histories so often. Do not have him make reports to you. I understand that you want for him to be honest with you. Tell him that you expect this, as this is right to expect, but do NOT go on asking about who he is talking to so often! It seems as though in his present situation, he would rather lie to you as he knows the truth would bring about all this mess! The poor guy probably is at his wits end.

 

Focus on how your relationship is with him, how he treats you, and how much he cares for you. If those things are lacking then you definitely have a problem. Otherwise, there is nothing to worry over! If you leave this subject alone quite a bit more often you might notice things starting to improve again.

 

People talk to their exes, and to friends that their girlfriends happen to hate. Girlfriends and boyfriends cannot pick and choose friends or the actions of their partners. Your insecurities may ruin a perfectly good relationship, and cost you a perfectly faithful boyfriend. If you can, trust in your boyfriend to do what is right. That is what is supposed to be going on in a relationship. As for him avoiding the issues, I am willing to bet that he is driven nuts by your antics. Have a talk with him about it. If that is why he lied those few times then perhaps you are not entirely innocent.