accidentally cheated on my boyfriend. how can i make him happy again?

[mbpu]

i have no idea who to turn to with this. the people i thought were my friends, i can't trust anymore. i'm afraid to come to anyone else who doesn't know about it because i'm ashamed of myself and i don't want people to know.

 

so here's background info: before my boyfriend and i started going out, i was with another guy. i was in love and we went out for a while, and he cheated on me a LOT. he was emotionally abusive and a total skeez and for some reason i stayed with him. finally, after a physical altercation, i left him. it took a lot of time to get over him.

 

my boyfriend, who was just a classmate at this time, asked if i wanted to go to a party. it was unlike any party i'd normally go to, but i was really attracted so him so i went. he asked me out and i said yes.

 

i was excited and nervous about us going out. knowing what *******s look like, i was careful to see how he treated me. at first he was very sweet, we watched movies together and it was a kind, gentle kind of love. as time went on (a couple weeks after he asked me out), he spent less and less time with me. for the first 3 or 4 months of our relationship, we would spend time together in one of two ways: 1) smoke a bowl of weed, ****, and then he would leave to hang out with his friends or 2) go to a social gathering with his friends where he gets ****faced. i got tired of it very quickly. i felt like i was just something for him to **** and show off at his friend's parties. i don't like alcohol that much to begin with so it took a lot for me to be with him while he was ****faced like that all the time. it was unappealing.

he'd regularly ditch plans to be with me and drink with his friends instead. i hated it. i bitched him out about it a couple times but it didn't seem to do anything.

one night, i had the house completely to myself. i had known a week in advance and i told him. constantly reminded him that we have that night to ourselves, he seemed somewhat excited despite his generally apathetic disposition. this night to me was a deciding factor. it was going to save our relationship, i thought. we'd be able to spend a lot more time together and he might value me more. but if he ditched me, i was going to dump him.

 

of course, he ditched me. he was too drunk to bike over.

 

i was infuriated. i felt hot anger from my toes upward. i felt like i made a lateral move from one type of prick to another. i called up a girl friend of mine and told her come over, with alcohol.

 

she came with her boyfriend and a third of a handle of rum. i was angry, so i drank. i drank a lot.

 

long story short, i ended up having a threesome with them. psychologically, this event has taken a major toll on me. i never, ever, EVER expected to cheat on someone because i have experienced the pain of it and i would never wish that kind of heartbreak on another. but there it happened.

 

i didn't know what to do. i knew i HAD to dump him then, because i couldn't go on in the relationship knowing what i did. so i dumped him. he was a lot more depressed about it than i expected. like, a lot more.

 

he asked me out again the following week, hoping against all odds that i'd take him back. i felt so uneasy. i wanted to tell him, but a long time ago he had told me that if i ever drunkenly cheated on him, he didn't want to know. so i buried the event in my mind with that statement as my only rationale and took him back.

 

he treated me a LOT better after i took him back. we spent the next few months happily together.

 

however, i had to leave for college in a faraway place. we decided to stay together. on one of our last nights together, i told him about what happened. i couldn't handle hiding it anymore.

 

i thought he would understand; he's told me that he's cheated on girlfriends in the past himself.

 

but this has been the most difficult set of mistakes i've ever set myself up for. i know how wrong it is that i did everything i did. i know. please don't preach to me about that, i get it enough from myself and from him.

 

he decided to stay with me, but it's difficult. one day we're happily texting each other sweet nothings, the next he's ignoring me all day long because he can't believe he decided to stay with a cheater.

 

i have no one else to turn to because the friends that i did it with had spread the news that we had a threesome and now most of my friends know what happened. it's painful to have this go down all while i'm away from home; people can say whatever they want about me and i'm all the way over here being persecuted.

 

all i want is to make my boyfriend happy and move past this. what happened was a mistake; i was angry and drunk and my judgement was impaired. it was not an affair and it most certainly was not planned. i never thought i would have a threesome before, and i never thought i'd ever cheat on a boyfriend. somehow, it happened. and i have to live with it no matter how ashamed i am.

 

how can i make my boyfriend understand that i didn't intend to hurt him? that it was a mistake? how can i make him happy again?

[Quiet Storm]

The first step into making this right with him is to own your mistake.

 

Don't say it was an accident. Don't say it was because of the booze. Don't say it was because of him and how he made you feel. Don't say you are even now because he does things you don't like (drink).

 

Don't make excuses. They will just make him angrier.

 

Some men never get over their woman being with another man.

 

The male ego can be very fragile. My husband is still hurt that I was with another guy when we were broken up for eight months over twenty years ago.

 

In addition, it sounds like this is not such a great guy anyway. It sounds like you had issues before this even happened. Maybe this isn't the right guy for you.

[mbpu]

i have owned up to my mistakes. i didn't make that clear in the thread, but when we talked about it i owned up to all of it. it got to a point where he couldn't decide if he wanted to stay with me or not. he said he didn't want to stay because he felt like a fool and didn't want to talk to me again, but he said he still loved me so it was difficult to decide. i understood how he felt, so i told him to leave me because i don't want to make him feel foolish and i just want him to be happy. he may love me but i broke his trust and as awful as i feel about it, what's the most important part of all of this is his happiness. i know it's possible to move on from being cheated on, and i just want him to be happy the fastest way possible.

but he insisted on staying with me anyway. i'm trying my hardest to make him happy in whatever ways possible so he doesn't feel worse than he already does, but it's very very rocky. i know for a fact i won't cheat on him again because even though it happened once it's just not who i really am and i don't ever want it to happen again.

 

 

sometimes i feel like we're not right for each other, like we're just obviously too young for each other, but i've already promised him that i'm going to work my hardest to make him happy again. i know that being with him makes him happy, but it's a teeter-totter of emotions and i understand everything that he is feeling and i just want to make things right again. i've said everything that i can and at this point i just don't know what to tell him anymore without repeating myself over and over and coming off ingenuine. i feel like i sound like a broken record. i know it's difficult for him to believe me, so i don't know how to do things to make him eventually trust what i say again.

[D-Lish]

So, in other words, he's been a chronic cheater in his past- which most likely means he'll do it to you as well- please have no doubts about that.

 

The fact that you had a cheating moment is something you have to come to terms with.

 

I don't see this working at all. He was treating you badly when you decided to cheat- doesn't excuse you cheating, but defines your realtionship as two people that are incompatiible.

[somedude81]

It absolutely amazes me what kind of guys that women date. Why are you trying so hard with him?

 

Yeah you cheated. You let it happen. It was no accident. I'd consider it a sign that the relationship needs to end.

 

Props to your friends BF. A, MFF threesome is every mans fantasy.

[Zaphod B]

Accidently? What a load of crap. I've got no sympathy. You cheated on him full stop. It WAS an affair. Alcohol is no excuse. Doesn't excuse his stupidity, but still... your deliberatetly over indulged in alcohol and surely knew where it was heading. You're only kidding yourself if you think it was accidental or not an affair. You are completely to blame for what happened.

 

If that's the sort of thing you do when you're drunk, my advice to you is not to touch alcohol again when in a situation like that. Learn from this mistake and move on.

Edited September 3, 2011 by Zaphod B

[OnyxSnowfall]

It absolutely amazes me what kind of guys that women date. Why are you trying so hard with him?

 

Yeah you cheated. You let it happen. It was no accident. I'd consider it a sign that the relationship needs to end.

 

Agreed...

 

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you truly want to be with him. Be wary of justifying fearing change/being alone etc... think of how you see your future with him, if he did forgive you and move on and if he never does.

[Ginger Beer]

Accidently? What a load of crap. I've got no sympathy. You cheated on him full stop.

 

This. How do you accidently cheat anyway?

[Osiris1234]

Once trust is broken it can take YEARS to get back. I suggest you do anything to make it up to him (as long as it isn't to extreme).

 

So, in other words, he's been a chronic cheater in his past- which most likely means he'll do it to you as well- please have no doubts about that.

 

This isn't necessarly true.

[P&R]

This. How do you accidently cheat anyway?

A women walks out to the parking lot on an icy morning. She is wearing a skirt, but no underwear. A guy falls down on his back, she goes and checks to see if he's alright. The guy happens to be hard, and she falls just so that his penis enters her vagina. One of the two is in a relationship, ACCIDENTAL CHEATING!

[P&R]

Honestly OP... Just break up with this guy. He seems immature, and he has treated you like crap.

[Zaphod B]

Once trust is broken it can take YEARS to get back. I suggest you do anything to make it up to him (as long as it isn't to extreme).

.

 

 

Abso-bloody-lutely. My ex wife cheated on me after about a year of marriage. We had great communication, a great sex life and she went and drank too much at a work do and got it on with a work colleague in his car. Our marriage was never the same after that. Even after about five years, when I started to trust her again, things weren't as they were before she cheated. Then she cheated on me again.

[rafallus]

Once trust is broken it can take YEARS to get back. I suggest you do anything to make it up to him (as long as it isn't to extreme).

Also, it may never happen. Never say never? Not in this case.

 

If you tried to stay with him in spite of his cheating, and ended up not being able to deal with it and cheated anyway, then you clearly bit more than you can chew.

 

Not that I blame or despise you, but take it as a lesson. Sometimes things are just ****ed up beyond all repair (even if on surface they seem to be fine) and you have to admit it.

 

And I chuckled at "accidental" part. Imagined you tripping, falling, and landing on guy's dick.

[Ginger Beer]

A women walks out to the parking lot on an icy morning. She is wearing a skirt, but no underwear. A guy falls down on his back, she goes and checks to see if he's alright. The guy happens to be hard, and she falls just so that his penis enters her vagina. One of the two is in a relationship, ACCIDENTAL CHEATING!

 

 

That makes perfect sense.

[Professor X]

You guys are trying to reason with a pothead and a drunkie.

Her pattern of logic is so far away from the majority here that you can't really reason with her.

She stayed with a guy who ditched her constantly, she than invited a friend over apparently came to seduce her (obviously - rum and bf), which raises the question, what type of friends she has (they also ran to tell everyone right after), then she found out her BF is a chronic cheater and still wants to stay with him not realizing he will inevitably cheat on her as well.

She is stoned.

 

To the OP, I will just recommend you go to therapy or at the very least stop smoking and drinking; You will see than that the only thing you have in common with your "bf" is smoking pot. SHOCKING, I know.

[samsungxoxo]

To be honest both your previous ex and this guy sound like total losers. What you did was wrong but also wasn't acceptable how he was treating you.

 

I would say the best you can do is break it off and look for mature men. Also, be careful with your selection of guys.

Edited September 3, 2011 by samsungxoxo

[Osiris1234]

A women walks out to the parking lot on an icy morning. She is wearing a skirt, but no underwear. A guy falls down on his back, she goes and checks to see if he's alright. The guy happens to be hard, and she falls just so that his penis enters her vagina. One of the two is in a relationship, ACCIDENTAL CHEATING!

 

 

"I'm sorry honey, he just happened to be walking by, and I tripped over the curb, and my vagina somehow managed to fall into his penis...over and over and over again."

 

[Trimmer]

i have owned up to my mistakes. i didn't make that clear in the thread, but when we talked about it i owned up to all of it.

There's a difference between "owning up" to something (i.e. admitting that it happened) and "owning" it. What Quiet Storm was talking about by "owning it" was more along the lines of you fully accepting and acknowledging that you chose to make it happen, and not treating it as an "accident" or a "mistake."

[Mme. Chaucer]

Cool story, bro.

 

I mean, honestly ...

 

First of all, please don't use phrases like "I accidentally cheated" if you want people to believe you and to consider your tale seriously.

 

Just because it wasn't premeditated doesn't make it "accidental."

 

Also, this story completely lacks continuity. You segue from telling us what a total jerk your boyfriend is to how much you want to "make him happy."

 

He's a jerk and a loser, if he actually treated you as you describe.

 

Why do you want to "make him happy"? (Evidently I am annoyed with the frequent use of that phrase in your story.) Why are you even with him? And why is he with you, since he can't handle the cheating?

 

 

 

What a mess.

[Memphis Raines]

"accidentally cheated on my boyfriend."

 

whats this "accidentally" bullsh***?

 

why do cheaters always try to say it was an accident or mistake when it isn't?

 

always trying to downplay the severity of their actions by saying this crap.

[MusicMan1234]

You guys are trying to reason with a pothead and a drunkie.

Her pattern of logic is so far away from the majority here that you can't really reason with her.

She stayed with a guy who ditched her constantly, she than invited a friend over apparently came to seduce her (obviously - rum and bf), which raises the question, what type of friends she has (they also ran to tell everyone right after), then she found out her BF is a chronic cheater and still wants to stay with him not realizing he will inevitably cheat on her as well.

She is stoned.

 

To the OP, I will just recommend you go to therapy or at the very least stop smoking and drinking; You will see than that the only thing you have in common with your "bf" is smoking pot. SHOCKING, I know.

 

OK, I am actually quite offended at this post. First of all, she stated above that she didn't actually drink alcohol. Second of all, what does smoking pot have to do with anything? These problems were caused by her lack of self-esteem and naivety, not the fact that she smokes pot. She was unhappy in the relationship, she turned to friends who got her liquored up and took advantage of her vulnerability (a side note to the OP, ditch these 'friends').

 

Sure she drank alcohol then but people do things they wouldn't usually do when they're in pain. And I am in no way condoning what she did, in fact I think subconciously she wanted to cheat on her boyfriend since she allowed herself to be put in such a vulnerable position (and so she could divert responsibility away from herself afterwards). She probably suspected as well that her friend was interested in 'playing' with her before she called them over. So, could you tell me where pot comes into the equation at all?

 

I suspect you're one of those superstitious types, Professor X, who will downtalk anything related to alternative culture because they probably don't understand it. Just curious, are you religious?

 

Smoking pot is a lifestyle choice. Gone are the times where pot was grouped in with the deviant 'flower power' generation. That person serving coffee to you at your local cafe, probably smokes pot. That police officer who investigated the domestic disturbance next door to you, probably smokes pot. That politician lying to the camera which in turn lies to the TV which then lies to you, probably smokes pot too. Many successful buisnessmen, musicians, politicians et cetera have admitted to smoking pot.

 

I myself am a practicing psychologist (and just quietly I do quite well for myself). I also smoke pot. Despite what you think, i'm not a junkie selling their body on the street just for the next fix. I am a professional, normal person who finds it relaxing to smoke once in a while (usually on a Friday). I think you'll find REAL potheads are actually quite responsible when it comes to their relationships and their careers. That ridiculous sterotype, of the pothead who doesn't leave the house and orders pizza every night, is the exteme minority. Don't judge the worth of a person based on a lifestyle choice they've made.

[seibert253]

"accidentally cheated on my boyfriend."

 

whats this "accidentally" bullsh***?

 

why do cheaters always try to say it was an accident or mistake when it isn't?

 

always trying to downplay the severity of their actions by saying this crap.

 

I'm sorry honey, I slipped and fell on the OM's d#ck repeatedly for 10 minutes. It was an accident.

[Memphis Raines]

I would say the best you can do is break it off and look for mature men. Also, be careful with your selection of guys.

 

she needs to be mature herself before deserving a mature man.

 

and the men out there need to be selective as well.

[Memphis Raines]

I'm sorry honey, I slipped and fell on the OM's d#ck repeatedly for 10 minutes. It was an accident.

 

I guess it just wasn't her day:o

[visualbasicide]

I'm sorry honey, I slipped and fell on the OM's d#ck repeatedly for 10 minutes. It was an accident.

 

lol, yeah that was pretty much the line I got. "It just happened"

 

wrong. It wasn't a magic trick, peekaboo! no. not at all, it was a conscious act of betrayal.

 

The best thing you can do is be honest, don't make up idiotic (or well crafted) excuses about what happened. Admit you screwed up and take every harsh thing they say to you without a peep.

 

I wouldn't have liked my ex any more for what she did but I would have had more respect had she given me the truth and had the nerve to be accountable for it.