ohio gal Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 Hi. I am new here, and in search of some adult (preferrably) male advice. I need a male perspective. I am a 28 year old female . I live with my boyfriend who is 33. I have been in previous long term relationships, he NEVER has. We bought a house together, and I was always under the assumption we would get married. It has been mentioned several times, but he would usually say he did not have money for a ring. It has recently come to light that he only believes mariage is a piece of paper. I feel very strongly about it. I do not want the big fancy wedding ( I have already had that). i thought a simple elopement. I want to share this man's last name. I want to be a famly with him. I do not doubt his love or faithfullness to me, but I do not want to be in my 60's introducing him to people as my live in lover. What makes a guy say'I love you so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you...........as your boyfriend.'????? Our personal opinions are so different on this, that this will tear us apart. I simply cannot spend the rest of my lfe with someone that does not want to marry me. I think it shows alack of respect,a nd maybe Ia m not the girl for him if all he sees inme is a girlfriend. Please help Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 How long have you been together? Why hasn't he been in a relationship before? Those two questions might have something to do with it. Personally if I love and in love with someone I would want to marry them (I'm engaged now). I was so eager to propose I did it a week early. Marriage is not a peice of paper, and with his ignorant attitude he will end up losing you. Sounds like he's comfortable where he is at and doesn't expect you to leave. What does he say when you mention that you can't be with someone without that commitment? For some reason there is a stereotype that a marriage is a 'ball & chain'. Marriage is what you two make of it. Personally I want my fiancee to feel like she isn't losing a part of herself but gaining something more to add to herself. You also have the people who think the grass is greener on the other side. Those are the types that will sabotage a relationship unknowningly. Those are the ones that end up living in relationship after relationship, concluding to a very lonely life. Sounds like you may want to goto counciling regarding this. Everyone will give you different views, but the most important thing is what he thinks and whether or not you are willing to sacrifice something sacred to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 If he really believes marriage is only a piece of paper, why not let you have something so little as a piece of paper? What about telling him: I can live without the ring, without the big expensive wedding cerimony, without the magnificent white dress, but it would be *very*important to me having both our names on that piece of paper? To him marriage means nothing but a piece of paper: logically, a piece of paper shouldn't be a big sacrifice to him. did he tell you bluntly he does not want to marry you, or is it possible that he meant: "I would marry you if marriage is important to you, but to me it wouldn't make a big difference"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ohio gal Posted May 6, 2004 Author Share Posted May 6, 2004 I see this is a much discussed topics. Thnak you for taking my personal situation into considerationa nd replying. We have been together for three years. Not a long time by any means, but long enough that I feel we should know what we want out of our lives and each other. He says he has not been ina long term relationship before, because until me, he had not met anyone he wanted to get to know better, and spend time with. Sometimes I feel guilty for resenting him over this. He truly is a good man, and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. Knowing that, I still can't help my feelings Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 If he really believes marriage is only a piece of paper, why not let you have something so little as a piece of paper? As someone who believes that marriage is just a bit of paper, this view point certainly held true for me. I saw no need to get married but, after a decade of living together, my partner wanted to marry when we had kids. There were some practical advantages too. I agreed. If it's not important, why can't he do it? Explain to him why it's so important to you. What makes a guy say'I love you so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you...........as your boyfriend.'????? When I was younger I had a real problem with the expectations of roles in marriage. It is an institution after all with all the trappings that come with that. I also found it hard to accept that anyone would need proof of my commitment, that they couldn't just believe me. These objections faded after several years of living together. He has not been entirely straight with you has he? Marriage has been mentioned and he must know you expect it. I'd remind him of this, that for you it's critical to the confidence you have in the relationship. I'd avoid anything that gives the impression you want out if he doesn't comply. You may reach the point when you choose to make an ultimatum but they are often counter-productive and making this a test of love would be unwise. Far better to let him choose to compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 6, 2004 Share Posted May 6, 2004 from Pyrannaste If he really believes marriage is only a piece of paper, why not let you have something so little as a piece of paper? What about telling him: I can live without the ring, without the big expensive wedding cerimony, without the magnificent white dress, but it would be *very*important to me having both our names on that piece of paper? To him marriage means nothing but a piece of paper: logically, a piece of paper shouldn't be a big sacrifice to him. my thoughts exactly. You could also point out to him that signing a mortgage with someone is a pretty big step and it's a fairly important piece of paper. He was willing to do that with you ( & you with him ). Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 I believe marriage is about more than just paper. I also would wish to discuss this with him further. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 Politically, I mean, in terms of civil services--I believe a marriage license is merely a piece of paper. However, in terms of attachment to the commitment that it entails, it's a personal definition--people value it differently. I think if it's really no big deal to your boyfriend, why is it such a sacrifice? Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 People jump into marriage without TRULY realizing what it is. Marriage is supposed to be about commitment, but it so rarely is. Does that mean that commitment is dead? I don't think so - commitment isn't dead, it's just rare. But people tend to use a marriage certificate as a psychological backstop for their lack of real commitment. Ultimately, in the final analysis, it does not matter if you get married or not. It's the COMMITMENT that counts. Link to post Share on other sites
winterwonderland Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 In todays world I really do believe that marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It tells all your friends and neighbors that wow....we can be bang friends and it wont mean a thing. That way you can live the life of a true family person and whatever is missing on the side you can just go out and get it without any strings attached. Link to post Share on other sites
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