A very complicated fwb situation

[nightstarr]

so 6 months ago, i began talking to this guy (lets call him jake) during my winter break and a week later we hooked up and told each other we liked each other. the only thing is, i'm 19, in college and he's 6 years older than me and we both decided that we didn't think this would last long or see a relationship coming out of this.

 

when i went back to school, we continued to talk, literally every day, text, phone, iming, you name it. every few weeks i'd visit home or he'd come visit me and we'd hook up but mostly it was talking and texting and iming. our relationship was almost like a bf/gf just without the label. the few times we saw each other, we'd go on romantic dates, hold hands and all that stuff. and when we would talk he would always tell me that we were friends first and the hooking up was just on the side but that i had grown to become a really good friend to him. this whole relationship lasted about 6 months and we obviously became really close and that's when the trouble started.

 

before i get into it, here some backstory: so my parents don't get along--at all. to the point where my dad got arrested for hitting my mom and cops get called to my house all the time and they're constantly screaming and fighting. this is something i never told jake because firstly, its a secret i have a hard time telling people, and secondly, i was away at college so it wasn't a pressing matter at the time.

 

so back to my story, i was back home for the summer and my parents were going at each other and i was very emotional and stressed out. i looked to jake as distraction so i would call him or im him when i was upset just to talk. he was really busy that week so he was blowing me off (not on purpose) and i knew it was not his fault but being unintentionally blown off still hurt and added to all the emotional stress i was feeling. so after a week of this, i couldn't take it anymore and talked to him in person and basically had somewhat of an emotional breakdown.

 

i started questioning his motives and getting really insecure and i said things like "why are you even friends with me? do you use me just for sex?" and "why would you want this psudo-relationship? so you could have your cake and eat it too?" and "i'm i just not good enough for you?" and i basically implied that if i was such a close friend and we enjoyed hooking up, why are we not in a relationship?. not to mention that i was sobbing uncontrollably and could barely get words out of my mouth and i probably sound like a crazy person.

 

Jake said maybe we should take a break which upset me even more because here i was pouring my feeling out to him expecting him to give me some sort of comfort and support but instead he wants to take a break. so we didn't talk for a week and i cooled off and we started talking again and jake said "i think we should stop hooking up because sex complicates our friendship". and this really upset me because i enjoyed hooking up with him and i never considered us "real friends" because we've been hooking up pretty much since we met. so i started arguing with him about it because i felt like him not wanting to hook up had something to do with my emotional episode and i didn't think that was fair because it was a one time thing and i'm not always so needy and emotional. long story short he got angry at me and said "if you just want to have sex with me, then you're the one using me" and we stopped talking for a couple of weeks.

 

then i called jake because i realized that he was a friend and he said that he wanted to "rebuild our friendship" and that our friendship was "broken" because we wanted different things which is a big deal. he says he doesn't know how to talk to me anymore and slowly needs to get used to it again and he doesn't want to hang out with me because it makes him uncomfortable right now. basically, our friendship isn't what it used to be but he wants to fix it by just starting to talk again and move forward. i agreed to all this. so now we talk occasionally but its a lot of small talk and i can tell that he isn't as close to me as he used to be.

 

so here's my question. i realize that arguing with him about hooking up was wrong because i should have respected his decision. but now that we're in the process of "rebuilding the friendship", i'm wondering if i should explain to him my situation with my parents and let him know why i was so uncharacteristically needy and emotional.

 

i don't want it to seem like i'm trying to excuse my behavior and i don't want him to think its some emotional trap to get him to pity me and be really close to me again. But now that our friendship is "broken", is it not appropriate for me to tell him something so personal? would it scare him? he just wants to talk casually for now and slowly rebuild our friendship and here i am considering dumping this really personal emotional bomb on him. should i stop bringing up the past? but then again, the secret about my parents is a part of who i am and probably a big part of why our relationship fell apart to begin with and i think he should know.

 

thanks for reading. i know its super long but its a complicated story to explain.

[SweetCafe]

Hi babe

FWB' tend to get complicated as the lines are blurry and there is always one party getting more involved than the other.

 

However, you sound so admirably self-aware and I would suggest that after a while (give it a bit of time - couple of weeks maybe) you speak to him about the episode and tell him the reasons behind it and also emphasize that although it is a tough topic to talk about and you are generally private about it, you are sharing it to help clear the air and most certainly not for sympathy.

Being transparent helps people understand each other - and especially if he is an understanding friend.

 

The only thing I would advise you to be careful about is becoming too attached, lying to yourself and calling it "friends" when it is more than that. So try to balance out your interaction with him with time.

 

Take care darling...