she's moving out/feels smothered/wants space

[kalik]

Here's the synopsis...

 

5 months ago we met at work and I couldn't stand her. She worked her way into my heart and opened me up to my feelings for the first time in years. We fell in love and within a month of the beginning of the relationship she moved in. We had several ups and downs. She believed I was trying to control her and suppress her independence. All I asked her to do was to consider my fellings when she stayed out late (past 3 in the am) and call me. I told her I didn't need to know where she was, who she was with, or even he was doing, I just wanted to know she was ok. I spent so much time trying to fix things at a drop of a hat that there was no time for me.

 

I have bent over backwards trying to make this relationsip work, and she hasn't put in the effort. She started working more and more, and started using cohabitation as an excuse for spending time together as well as a substitute for committment. She finally told me she was moving out, and she cried for the next two days. She moved back in with her parents, and it has been incredible hard for both of us. She has told me the last two days since we have been apart, that she loves me and she wants things to work.

 

I have told her that things will not be the same, and that I refuse to let her treat me the same way again. I told her that I needed trust, consideration, respect, and love (love first, of course) if this will ever work. Since then she has worn my fraternity pin next to her heart, regardless of what she is wearing. I also told her that I would give her some time, but not forever. I know she is immature and is fighting inside between growing up and acting like a child. This relationship has been for her convience, but now she says she's willing to show me and ready to work on things.

 

We're both 23 and I have doubts whether this will work out or not. I am ready to try, but she has always walked away from her problems. Is she walking away from me? What's going on?

[Jenna]

Kalik,

 

You sound like a man who knows what he wants. Maybe the things in the beginning (when you first met) that caused you not to like her- were real. First impressions are important- and usually offer much of if not all of the information needed to see one's true character.

 

This girl is young, and one day she will be more attentive to the feelings of others- but not now. She seems to realize what she is supposed to be doing or not doing- but putting this knowledge into play in a real relationship is a difficult thing to accomplish for inexperienced young people.

 

If you truly want to be with her- don't move back in together. Date her, have fun, and give yourself the chance to get to know her as an individual person. This will also allow her to learn about you in the same way. She may need to experience some independence from everyone- including her parents before she is ready to be responsible for other people's feelings.

 

If you see that she was not sincere about her promise to change, you won't be in a situation where one of you has to move out- not that any break-up would be easy- but you can minimize the awkwardness this way.

 

Another option is to let this one go. You obviously know exactly what you are looking for in a relationship- so instead of trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole..... Good luck. Jenna

Here's the synopsis... 5 months ago we met at work and I couldn't stand her. She worked her way into my heart and opened me up to my feelings for the first time in years. We fell in love and within a month of the beginning of the relationship she moved in. We had several ups and downs. She believed I was trying to control her and suppress her independence. All I asked her to do was to consider my fellings when she stayed out late (past 3 in the am) and call me. I told her I didn't need to know where she was, who she was with, or even he was doing, I just wanted to know she was ok. I spent so much time trying to fix things at a drop of a hat that there was no time for me. I have bent over backwards trying to make this relationsip work, and she hasn't put in the effort. She started working more and more, and started using cohabitation as an excuse for spending time together as well as a substitute for committment. She finally told me she was moving out, and she cried for the next two days. She moved back in with her parents, and it has been incredible hard for both of us. She has told me the last two days since we have been apart, that she loves me and she wants things to work. I have told her that things will not be the same, and that I refuse to let her treat me the same way again. I told her that I needed trust, consideration, respect, and love (love first, of course) if this will ever work. Since then she has worn my fraternity pin next to her heart, regardless of what she is wearing. I also told her that I would give her some time, but not forever. I know she is immature and is fighting inside between growing up and acting like a child. This relationship has been for her convience, but now she says she's willing to show me and ready to work on things. We're both 23 and I have doubts whether this will work out or not. I am ready to try, but she has always walked away from her problems. Is she walking away from me? What's going on?

[Deejette]

Her lack of consideration, like staying out until 3am with no explanation doesn't sound very good for the future of the relationship. It's one thing to be sentimental and wear someone's pin close to your heart and it's another thing to show love through actions. You sound like a much more mature and responsible person than she is. It's OK to be the all-forgiving daddy to the mixed-up little girl, but there are wonderful women out there who know how to treat a good man with kindness and consideration. It is so easy to be attracted and feel attachment for even the most horrible people. The chemistry may be there, but chemicals can blow up too and cause a lot of damage to our egos. I hope this experience will empower you to seek what you are really looking for in a woman, now that you know what you don't want.

Kalik, You sound like a man who knows what he wants. Maybe the things in the beginning (when you first met) that caused you not to like her- were real. First impressions are important- and usually offer much of if not all of the information needed to see one's true character. This girl is young, and one day she will be more attentive to the feelings of others- but not now. She seems to realize what she is supposed to be doing or not doing- but putting this knowledge into play in a real relationship is a difficult thing to accomplish for inexperienced young people.

 

If you truly want to be with her- don't move back in together. Date her, have fun, and give yourself the chance to get to know her as an individual person. This will also allow her to learn about you in the same way. She may need to experience some independence from everyone- including her parents before she is ready to be responsible for other people's feelings. If you see that she was not sincere about her promise to change, you won't be in a situation where one of you has to move out- not that any break-up would be easy- but you can minimize the awkwardness this way. Another option is to let this one go. You obviously know exactly what you are looking for in a relationship- so instead of trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole..... Good luck. Jenna

[Dianyell]

Here's the synopsis... 5 months ago we met at work and I couldn't stand her. She worked her way into my heart and opened me up to my feelings for the first time in years. We fell in love and within a month of the beginning of the relationship she moved in. We had several ups and downs. She believed I was trying to control her and suppress her independence. All I asked her to do was to consider my fellings when she stayed out late (past 3 in the am) and call me. I told her I didn't need to know where she was, who she was with, or even he was doing, I just wanted to know she was ok. I spent so much time trying to fix things at a drop of a hat that there was no time for me. I have bent over backwards trying to make this relationsip work, and she hasn't put in the effort. She started working more and more, and started using cohabitation as an excuse for spending time together as well as a substitute for committment. She finally told me she was moving out, and she cried for the next two days. She moved back in with her parents, and it has been incredible hard for both of us. She has told me the last two days since we have been apart, that she loves me and she wants things to work. I have told her that things will not be the same, and that I refuse to let her treat me the same way again. I told her that I needed trust, consideration, respect, and love (love first, of course) if this will ever work. Since then she has worn my fraternity pin next to her heart, regardless of what she is wearing. I also told her that I would give her some time, but not forever. I know she is immature and is fighting inside between growing up and acting like a child. This relationship has been for her convience, but now she says she's willing to show me and ready to work on things. We're both 23 and I have doubts whether this will work out or not. I am ready to try, but she has always walked away from her problems. Is she walking away from me? What's going on?

[Dianyell]

Here's the synopsis... 5 months ago we met at work and I couldn't stand her. She worked her way into my heart and opened me up to my feelings for the first time in years. We fell in love and within a month of the beginning of the relationship she moved in. We had several ups and downs. She believed I was trying to control her and suppress her independence. All I asked her to do was to consider my fellings when she stayed out late (past 3 in the am) and call me. I told her I didn't need to know where she was, who she was with, or even he was doing, I just wanted to know she was ok. I spent so much time trying to fix things at a drop of a hat that there was no time for me. I have bent over backwards trying to make this relationsip work, and she hasn't put in the effort. She started working more and more, and started using cohabitation as an excuse for spending time together as well as a substitute for committment. She finally told me she was moving out, and she cried for the next two days. She moved back in with her parents, and it has been incredible hard for both of us. She has told me the last two days since we have been apart, that she loves me and she wants things to work. I have told her that things will not be the same, and that I refuse to let her treat me the same way again. I told her that I needed trust, consideration, respect, and love (love first, of course) if this will ever work. Since then she has worn my fraternity pin next to her heart, regardless of what she is wearing. I also told her that I would give her some time, but not forever. I know she is immature and is fighting inside between growing up and acting like a child. This relationship has been for her convience, but now she says she's willing to show me and ready to work on things. We're both 23 and I have doubts whether this will work out or not. I am ready to try, but she has always walked away from her problems. Is she walking away from me? What's going on? Look you seem like a nice guy. Don't get stressed out over a female. Put your faith in God and if this girl is the one for you then it will happen. But don't chase her she will realize what a good man you were when you gone. I hope that you find someone who can bring your heart joy. Stay sweet and remember you did not make any mistakes, you tried to make it work, so you did your part and move on