Well 5 Weeks of N/C Thrown Away

[lymtal1]

LS Folks,

 

I have made a big mistake. One that I am very upset about and one that I did not think I would do. I was very set on never seeing or talking to her again but I messed up. I am really mad with myself.

 

So I had to go back to the town that we lived together for 2.5 years. I knew that it was going to mess me up and it did. I was good for about five days and then I couldn't take it any longer. I saw her out on skype and I asked her if she was ok.

 

The conversation was as we all know not what I wanted to hear but sometimes we don't do the right things when we have these feelings that won't go away. I have set myself back from healing and then there are the breadcrumbs that don't mean anything that I can't stop thinking about.

 

I am lost right now and feel like I am back in that fog like the day of the break-up. I know what has to be done but I am feeling those same pains and I really am having a hard time with it.

 

Give me some thoughts and help me get my head back on straight. Thanks all.

[silly_panda]

Well... Sometimes we messed up... So what..? We get up and start walking again...

 

Why is she still on your skype list..? Delete everything that could make you have any form of contact with her... So that even when you got the urge to contact her, you won't be able to... I hope this helps man... Hang in there...

[farmgirl7]

I'm not going to offer experience, because that's something I don't have. But sympathy and kind words and thoughts I hope will help. I haven't even got the strength to do the NC so you're one up on me. Kudos! I think possibly try and spend some time thinking/doing things that helped you get to a clearer place like you were a few days ago? Were you happy when you were playing a sport or talking to your Mum or drinking at a pub or watching the Mighty Boosh? Haha, do that thing that you know made you happier before, like a trigger!

 

I think you did fantastically having 5 weeks NC and don't think of it as a new starting point, just keep going as you were, pretend it didn't happen, pretend you didn't hear the breadcrumbs as they were unhelpful anyway. Pretend you're still on the right track and you're proud of yourself for your progress? Hope this is a tiny help, there are lots of people on here to talk to though to either take your mind off or just so you're not talking to her!

[ConfusedT]

everyone messes up and the length of NC isnt as important as the progress. who cares what they think? you know your own strength & you are able to do it!!

 

i believe in NC, but if you mess up, does it really matter if you keep moving forwards after it? NO!!!!

 

It only matters if you allow your mistake to fog up and reverse your healing process, which you think you did, but did you really?

 

i know its an instant emotion to feel sad, but after all this time, dont allow one mistake to ruin all the progression.

 

dont be so hard, even the best fall down, ya kno?

[lymtal1]

thank you for your replys. i appreciate you taking time to give me some feedback. the sad thing is it is the same type of feedback that i have given on here several times. now it is me on the receiving end. i think the lesson i have learned is talk is cheap. actions speak.

 

now i have to start anew and i will. it was very hard being in the same town one qtr mile from her place. i did not think it would matter and i thought i was this big strong guy that can deal with this. really. i was made into a pile of mush given what i did and what i said.

 

you know i am glad this happened as i had been sitting there with this little bit of hope and it was keeping me from moving on. problem is what i got back was the same old stuff. "i miss you of course" everything around me reminds me of you" "but i am ok without you for now" "i need to get this out of my system". etc etc etc. yes it is as everyone on here that has any sense tells us. it is not worth what we think we are going to get out of it.

 

for those that think they have this hope, that the words they have analyzed over and over for the special meaning they are looking for trust me, it is all an illusion. i read all the words analyzed them to the letter and the bottom line is she aint comming back, don't want to, is having too much fun, is back to her old self which by the way she knows i will not like.

 

oh and she made sure she told me "i'm not looking for anything/anybody" "i am just trying to enjoy myself". you know i may now feel like i have lived under a rock because of the dumb*** thing i just did but please don't insult my intelligence. for you ls'ers i use the term loosly when applying to myself tonight.

 

i had a four hour drive home after this snafu and let me tell you, the worst feeling is driving home and listening to lifehouse singing "fallin in" then someone singing "marry me" which i had planned on doing. i havent cried in five weeks. i couldn't stop for hours. i felt a real loss for maybe the first time. the good is that i really feel like it is over so if that came out of my weakness, then maybe it is worth it.

 

i do have a different feeling typing this. i am very sad, i am very emotional as i think for the first time in three months really believe it is over. i know it will hit me in the am. it always does. and you know what really sux? i can't still hate her or be angry at her. she did nothing wrong. i can't even be upset if she heads out now and gets with as many guys as she wants. she did me right in the break-up. i guess it's just more suffering for me that i can't turn into anger.

 

the learning for everyone here in n/c is, and please take this to heart. the pain i felt while sitting on a couch not more than one quarter mile from her couch and not knowing anything about her, what she was doing and who she was doing, was so much less than one second after i exchanged the fifteen minutes of messages with her. my life went into a place i don't want anyone to go. that would be the bottom. i am back there again just as i was the day she broke my heart. please people learn from my dumb mistake. it is not worth it.

 

now i have bashed myself for two days and i am ready to stop. i know what i must do. re-start the clock. make sure i have all my ducks in a row with all types of contact. pull myself out of the hole i dug and get back on track. i give all my ls'ers my word and committment that it will not happen again. it won't because i am smart enough to know that this pain is too much to deal with and i don't want to feel it again.

 

sleep will not come for me tonight or many in the future because of fifteen minutes of poor judgement. trust me, i got my fix and now i will pay for it. just say no as this for me is the worst drug i have ever taken. i don't want anymore. ok, off to take my pills. hope they work. thanks for listening.

[smudge21]

Sometimes it's good to fall like you have as often we forget why things ended and why we've gone NC. Having that wake up call or reminder sets us back on track. Yeah okay, it hurts, really hurts, but no one ever said healing was easy. No matter what the injury, it takes time.

 

Oh and don't worry about the whole giving advice but not taking it thing. The amount of times I feel like such a fool for handing out advice to others and then messing up the same way they have... That's the thing with advice though, it's easy to give; hard to take (even when it's your own advice).

 

Breaking NC (in fact even having to go NC in the first place) shows that you're a loving caring person, that you have feelings that so many people lack. Someone else will appreciate that in time, when you're ready.