Am I really being a jerk?

[Imajerk17]

I would be interested in the board's take on this!

 

Relevant background: I have one sibling, a sister. I am single and have no children. My sister (and her husband) have a 10-month old. This is my parents' first grandchild. I live a few hundred miles away from my parents. My sister's family stayed with my parents for a few months while the three of them (sister, husband, and baby) closed on and renovated their new house. Because of "lighting" issues, the crib for the baby was put in what was my bedroom in my parents' house.

 

The story: I had a rather contentious conversation with my parents today. They said that the crib was staying in (what was) my bedroom in my parents' house, as it is "too hard" for them to get out, and "I am home for only like a week a year". I told them that I feel this arrangement is wrong. They said there was "nothing they could do" about this.

 

I am really pissed off. I feel that this arrangement is wrong. I feel like my parents are treating me as a second-class citizen. Everyone else in the house, except me, has their own space, without other people's stuff in it. My sister still has her bedroom with all her stuff in there at my parents' place, and the crib for her baby is in my room! Last time all of us were home at my parents' place together, I had to tiptoe around everyone else.

 

I'm thinking of just "disappearing" from my parents for a while. I'll call my grandparents and aunts, but I will ignore my parents for the time being. Teach them a lesson.

 

Then again, I am prone to being hot-tempered, and maybe I am being unreasonable. I am open (and seeking) outside perspective. Thoughts?

Edited September 4, 2011 by Imajerk17

[UpDownAllAround]

I would be interested in the board's take on this!

 

Relevant background: I have one sibling, a sister. I am single and have no children. My sister (and her husband) have a 10-month old. This is my parents' first grandchild. I live a few hundred miles away from my parents. My sister's family stayed with my parents for a few months while the three of them (sister, husband, and baby) closed on and renovated their new house. Because of "lighting" issues, the crib for the baby was put in what was my bedroom in my parents' house.

 

The story: I had a rather contentious conversation with my parents today. They said that the crib was staying in (what was) my bedroom in my parents' house, as it is "too hard" for them to get out, and "I am home for only like a week a year". I told them that I feel this arrangement is wrong. They said there was "nothing they could do" about this.

 

I still feel that this arrangement is wrong. I feel like my parents are treating me as a second-class citizen. Everyone else in the house, except me, has their own space, without other people's stuff in it. My sister still has her bedroom with all her stuff in there at my parents' place, and the crib for her baby is in my room! Last time all of us were home at my parents' place together, I had to tiptoe around everyone else.

 

I'm thinking of just "disappearing" from my parents for a while. I'll call my grandparents and aunts, but I will ignore my parents for the time being. Teach them a lesson.

 

Then again, I am prone to being hot-tempered, and maybe I am being unreasonable. I am open (and seeking) outside perspective. Thoughts?

 

Why can't the crib stay in your sister's room, considering that it IS her child?

 

Besides, what lighting issues? These can be solved by adding a lamp or two. Easy.

[Imajerk17]

Why can't the crib stay in your sister's room, considering that it IS her child?

 

Besides, what lighting issues? These can be solved by adding a lamp or two. Easy.

 

The three of them (my parents and sister) say that "too much light gets into the room" from the windows for the baby.

 

The reason why they "can't remove the crib" is that it is too wide to get through the door without disassembling, and "it would take 5 hours to do that".

[UpDownAllAround]

The three of them (my parents and sister) say that "too much light gets into the room" from the windows for the baby.

 

The reason why they "can't remove the crib" is that it is too wide to get through the door without disassembling, and "it would take 5 hours to do that".

 

Then add heavier curtains to the room to curb the light.

 

Then pay someone to do it if they don't want to do it themselves.

 

How hard is that?

 

You may want to suggest that you can do it for them (disassemble it and reassemble it) to get it out of your room.

[Imajerk17]

Then add heavier curtains to the room to curb the light.

 

Then pay someone to do it if they don't want to do it themselves.

 

How hard is that?

 

You may want to suggest that you can do it for them (disassemble it and reassemble it) to get it out of your room.

 

Thanks for the suggestions!

 

I hate to sound like a downer here after you gave such good advice, but what if I were to tell you that they are just not open to removing the crib? They seem to feel that I should just "deal with it".

[turnera]

It's not your house. Not to mention the fact that you live SOMEWHERE ELSE, hundreds of miles away, once you turned 18, it wasn't your house at all - it was your parent's. Anyone who stays at their house after age 18 is at THEIR discretion. You're acting like a spoiled 8 year old.

 

Unless you BOUGHT that house for your parents, of course. Then, MAYBE, you'd have some say in what they do with it.

[Zaphod B]

I'm with Turnera on this one. Seems like you're making a mountain out of a molehill on this.

[UpDownAllAround]

It's not your house. Not to mention the fact that you live SOMEWHERE ELSE, hundreds of miles away, once you turned 18, it wasn't your house at all - it was your parent's. Anyone who stays at their house after age 18 is at THEIR discretion. You're acting like a spoiled 8 year old.

 

Unless you BOUGHT that house for your parents, of course. Then, MAYBE, you'd have some say in what they do with it.

 

Aahhhh yes...didn't see this part.

 

Since you've moved on and are living on your own, what does it matter?

[AmEricanWomann]

I can see both points of view. On the one hand, it is your parent's house, you live elsewhere and they have a right to have their home set up as they see fit. However I still get where you're coming from.

Even though you no longer live at home, I understand that you'd like to think that you have a place to stay when you come visit and a space that's essentially your home away from home.

 

By giving up your room to your sister's baby, you feel like your place in the family has been usurped and it also feels as if they don't respect or care about your feelings. So yes, I do understand you being upset.

Especially when they have space for the crib elsewhere, the only issue is the lighting, which seems like a very minor problem that can be easily remedied.. If there's too much light, why can't they just put up curtains?

 

However, if this is the only thing going on that's been bothering you, then I think it is an over reaction to say that you're going to remove them from your life completely. Are there any other issues besides the one you made this thread about that are creating problems between you and your parents or is this the only one? Do you feel like they've been pitting you and your sister against each other since you were kids and is this maybe just the last straw.

 

Unless you get nothing positive at all out of your relationship with your family, I don't think you should end it completely. Try to talk to them one more time. Tell them what you've told us, that you feel hurt by what they're doing and why. If they wont change, then instead of casting them out of your life completely, I suggest you just don't stay with them anymore when you come visit for holidays. You can get a hotel nearby and just come for dinners or other get togethers, then when its over, you can hug everyone goodbye and just go back to your hotel or fly back home.

[D-Lish]

Sorry, when you're over 18 and living outside the house- you don't have much of a voice anymore. Dont take it personally. I am sure if you fell into crisis that you'd still have a place at your parents place if you needed it.

 

Instead of feeling left out- enjoy your dorm and the freedom of being on your own for the first time...

[green_tea]

Yes I think you are being unreasonable. You are only there one week out of a year, you can't expect them to leave it untouched for that. I go back to my parents house roughly one week out of a year as well - I am just grateful to sleep anywhere and be in my home town. My old bedroom is gone, and I never felt any resentment.

[Imajerk17]

I can see both points of view. On the one hand, it is your parent's house, you live elsewhere and they have a right to have their home set up as they see fit. However I still get where you're coming from.

Even though you no longer live at home, I understand that you'd like to think that you have a place to stay when you come visit and a space that's essentially your home away from home.

 

By giving up your room to your sister's baby, you feel like your place in the family has been usurped and it also feels as if they don't respect or care about your feelings. So yes, I do understand you being upset.

Especially when they have space for the crib elsewhere, the only issue is the lighting, which seems like a very minor problem that can be easily remedied.. If there's too much light, why can't they just put up curtains?

 

 

Thank you AmEricanWomann. You said what was on my mind perfectly. For what it's worth, I don't really intend to cut my family out of my life, I wrote this when I was feeling especially pissed and I needed a safe outlet. (As I said, I can be hot-tempered.)

 

My sister and I overall have a good relationship, but there is some tension between us. We are both prone to being selfish, but in different ways. I really try hard not to tread on others but I dislike it intensely when I feel others are treading on me. My sister is more generous than I am, but it feels to me that she sometimes has a tendency to expect the world (or at least the family) to revolve around her.

 

I appreciate the responses from turnera and the others though, because they are probably saying what my parents were thinking and feeling.

[turnera]

I really try hard not to tread on others but I dislike it intensely when I feel others are treading on me. My sister is more generous than I am, but it feels to me that she sometimes has a tendency to expect the world (or at least the family) to revolve around her.

You're telling us your parents should revolve a room in THEIR house around you.

 

I appreciate the responses from turnera and the others though, because they are probably saying what my parents were thinking and feeling.

So, aren't you even going to ask yourself WHY they would be thinking or feeling that? Or is YOUR opinion the only one that matters?

 

After all, they're just your parents. Who cares what they think or feel? Who cares if it was their money that built the house, that furnished the room your stuff is in, that bought your stuff?

[Imajerk17]

You're telling us your parents should revolve a room in THEIR house around you.

 

So, aren't you even going to ask yourself WHY they would be thinking or feeling that? Or is YOUR opinion the only one that matters?

 

After all, they're just your parents. Who cares what they think or feel? Who cares if it was their money that built the house, that furnished the room your stuff is in, that bought your stuff?

 

Well, I see your point about it being my parents' house that THEY built, and I appreciate and thank you for your posts. But right or wrong of me, I saw it another way.

 

My sister gets to keep a room in the house as "hers". I don't get the same privilege. I had that privilege all along up until recently when it was taken away from me. I intensely dislike this arrangement. The best analogy I can think of to justify my feelings on this would be if your parents were to leave you 30% of their inheritance, and leave your sibling 70%. OR if your boss were to give you a $5000 bonus (out of nowhere) and at the same time give everyone else in your company $15000 each. It's their money not yours, they can do whatever the hell they want with it. Be thankful for what you are getting, because really, you're not entitled to any of it. But that said, wouldn't you still feel slighted?

Edited September 5, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Tayla]

I one hundred percent support the crib being kept there, the OP is behaving on that level so the bed would support them when they stop in.

 

Sad that they don't refer to the relative as niece or nephew...instead its his/her sisters kid? That tells a tale in itself.

[Avery]

Well, of course you can feel slighted. Feelings are feelings after all. Valid without regard to entitlement.

 

I just am not sure I understand the sense of entitlement. Logistically.. does it make sense?

 

Are your sister and her husband still living with your parents? If so, essentially your room is temporarily your niece/nephews room for now. That seems a small sacrifice to make for your niece/nephew. I would think.

 

You say when you visited... you had to tiptoe around as the baby was in your room. Are you saying that when you visited, you slept in your old room with the baby?

[turnera]

Well, here's a solution for you, then. They say they aren't moving the crib because they'd have to disassemble it to get through the door. How about YOU take the time to disassemble the crib, move it to your sister's room, and REassemble it?

 

My sister gets to keep a room in the house as "hers". I don't get the same privilege.

What is your definition of a privilege?

 

MY definition, courtesy of Merriam Webster, is: a right granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor

 

That means that what you get at your PARENTS' house is GRANTED to you as a FAVOR of them. You seem to be under the misconception that they owe you anything else. They raised you; you're an adult. Now it's YOUR turn.

 

If I had to guess, they raised you and your sister to expect a LOT. Not meaning to, but of course they wanted you to be happy. So they gave you a lot and you now expect a lot. (see it all the time) And, now that you're an adult, they expected you to start being responsible and wise and compassionate and generous. You say she 'gets' to keep a room but you don't get the same 'privilege.' Well, guess what? That would be because a privilege is just that - a FAVOR - one you have no right to expect from them, no matter WHAT they do for your sister. That's how favors work.

 

Listen to your language, your tone:

I had that privilege all along up until recently when it was taken away from me. I intensely dislike this arrangement.

 

Be thankful for what you are getting, because really, you're not entitled to any of it. But that said, wouldn't you still feel slighted?

Maybe for a minute or two. And then, I would ask myself WHY.

[Lucky_One]

Judging from the verb tenses, your sister and her family have already moved into their home, but the crib is staying in "your" bedroom permanently.

 

Short answer: yes, you are being a jerk.

 

Your parents want to have a place for their grandchild to sleep when he/she goes there. Since you are only going to be there about 1 week a year, it is their prerogative to put whatever piece of furniture in that room that they please. Newsflash: the child will be in that crib for another year or so, and then guess what?

 

That child will THEN be sleeping in YOUR bed.

 

How about them apples??

 

(Crib assembly is one of the biggest PITA known to mankind, btw.)

[Forever Learning]

. They said that the crib was staying in (what was) my bedroom in my parents' house, as it is "too hard" for them to get out, and "I am home for only like a week a year". I told them that I feel this arrangement is wrong. They said there was "nothing they could do" about this.

 

I am really pissed off. I feel that this arrangement is wrong. I feel like my parents are treating me as a second-class citizen. I'm thinking of just "disappearing" from my parents for a while. I'll call my grandparents and aunts, but I will ignore my parents for the time being. Teach them a lesson.

 

Then again, I am prone to being hot-tempered, and maybe I am being unreasonable. I am open (and seeking) outside perspective. Thoughts?

 

I'll bet you are under 30, right? It's hard to rein in your anger, but you should. It's just not worth the trouble. Wouldn't it be nice to have a peaceful happy life instead? Just release your anger and be done with the family trauma. It's your parents house, they can do as they will with your old room. Move on. You have so much else in life to concern yourself with rather than spending any energy on being angry at your parents over this 'injustice'.

 

Most likely it's not about the crib really thats chapping your ass, it's more about favoritism they have shown over the years to the other sibling. Happens in most families, unfair undeserved favoritism. GET OVER IT. Life isn't fair, and it's often painful. But it doesnt have to be. You are the master of your emotions, my friend.

 

You can get glad in the same pants you got mad in.

 

Try to rise above the anger. Check this out - one up them on the entire deal. Tell them to do whatever they want with your room, convert it entirely to whatever other room they would have always liked to have had, a computer room or game room, whatever. Do this with complete peace in your heart, no animosity. When you are back at their house for that 1 week a year, sleep on the couch, a cot or the floor. No more worries about what they might be planning for your room. No more trying to control that room space from a distance for you. It's over, the room is gone. Wouldnt that rock? Yes, it would. No more worrying about that freaking room and the crib in it. LOL

 

Just move on entirely from this jealousy and anger issue. The reason is, you will have marked one thing off your list of things that chap your ass in life. And that is a great feeling. Just tell yourself, this is a small potatos issue, and you have bigger fish to fry in life. Choose your battles wisely. Don't battle on this one. Babies always win in a battle like this anyway, in case you didnt get the memo. Babies are superstars, accept it as a part of human existence. Accept it and laugh about it. It's funny. Babies are the holy grail, it's pretty funny when you think about it, these little life forms that rule the roost without lifting a thumb (just sucking one).

 

The more you can learn to let anger wash away and out of your system, the better off you will be. Just my 2 cents. I felt alot like you do in my late teens and early twenties, sibling rivalry, etc. Life is way better now in my 40's, now that I don't give any energy to those topics, they just don't matter in the big scheme of things. Your happiness in your day to day life is what matters. Focus on that and completely step away from any family drama or jealousy. You will be happy that you did. I know I am ever since I have done so with my family. Cheers!

Edited September 5, 2011 by Forever Learning

[turnera]

Good point. My husband is really negative. When my DD21 was younger, she started absorbing the attitude. She'd come home and cry about how this one little thing just ruined her whole day, the whole day was a loss. I'd say, you can choose to judge each day like that, and end up wasting a lot of possibly great days just because you have to 'rate' each one, or you can look for the GOOD in each day, and count your blessings how much you had to be grateful for and how many GOOD things happens to you.