Help!!! My wife has let herself go

[skinut2234]

Help! I've been married almost 7 years to a wonderful woman and we have 3 kids.

I hate to sound shallow but lately she has let herself go to the point where I am just not attracted to her anymore.

She has gained weight and is very lazy. I hate the fact that this bothers me, but I cannot help it. I am how I am.

Is it wrong to feel this way?? If I bring it up- it just turns into a fight with her saying, can't you love me the way I am? What do I do?

[HokeyReligions]

Tell her that you DO love her. Tell her you are worried about her health and do things together that don't involve eating and do involve some kind of exercise.

 

What about her do you love? Focus on those things.

[Stone]

Try sending her to a day spa, take her shopping for new clothes, hair cut, ect. that always makes a women feel beautiful.

 

Give her a gift cert for mothers day, for a spa, gym or clothing store. from you and the kids, it's a nice gift! and it may help. GOOD LUCk

[bluechocolate]

I do not think you are being shallow. You say she has gained weight ( but not how much ), regardless being overweight can bring with it a host of problems; high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, high cholesterol, breathing problems, etc. So your concern for her weight can also be concern for her health.

 

You should be able to talk about this openly and without criticism. Marriage counselling can help with this. People don't just go to marriage counselling when their relationship is on the brink and in fact it can be more advantageous to seek counselling before it gets to that point. You are at the 7 year point and with 3 kids a marriage can get stale and both of you get lost in the daily grind of life.

 

There could be underlying reasons why her behaviour and eating patterns have changed and these can be explored in counselling also. You should also suggest that she see your family doctor. Make the appointment for her and go along.

 

Of course this has to work both ways. You can't expect her to lose weight and get healthy if you're a couch potato at home yourself. Suggest that you both decide to get healthy. Get a joint membership at a local gym and set aside the time to go together. If she ( or you ) don't like gyms investigate some home equipment. Just don't let her feel that this is her problem alone. You should be willing and able to work through this with her, for her sake, the children, you and the marriage.

[skinut2234]

Thanks for the replies- I am the exact opposite- Fit/ in shape and on the go.....

I just feel horrible because I feel like I should not feel this way.... I find myself very attracted to other women.

Wouldn't that concern her?? I do not want to cross the line but I do not feel much when I get close to her- Just resentment for the way she treats herself. But because it's such a personal issue- just pushes her away.

I feel like I am in a no-win situation

[FolderWife]

Thanks for the replies- I am the exact opposite- Fit/ in shape and on the go.....

I just feel horrible because I feel like I should not feel this way.... I find myself very attracted to other women.

Wouldn't that concern her?? I do not want to cross the line but I do not feel much when I get close to her- Just resentment for the way she treats herself. But because it's such a personal issue- just pushes her away.

I feel like I am in a no-win situation

 

It would concern her to a point, but then it gets to the point where she throws up her hands and says why bother, because you are not going to be happy with her looks no matter WHAT she looks like.

 

See, I think that I'm GORGEOUS. That doesn't stop my husband from commenting on my belly when I'm bloated once a month, or my thighs if they have a wrinkle in them, or my hair if it doesn't look shiny, or my breasts, if they don't look full and perky.

 

On top of all of his critisism, I have to put up with him drooling over every busty blond on TV, commenting on how beautiful their boobs are, and him watcing porn and being so overlysatisfied with masterbation, that I can't even turn him on to make love to me.

 

I work full time-8 to 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, and I often come home to a heaping pile of laundry on the bed, from where he's washed it, but wants me to put it away. When I get home at 7, I don't feel like doing laundry. If I don't, he calls me lazy. I get tired, so I take a meal into the room with me when I watch TV, and if I leave my glass or my plate in the room, he calls me nasty, skanky, and lazy

 

 

Sooooo..you are so unattracted to your wife that you don't want to make love to her.

 

I know how she feels...it hurts like heck.

 

You call her lazy.

 

I know how she feels...it hurts like heck.

 

You probably comment on her weight and appearance.

 

I know how she feels...it hurts like heck.

 

I'm sure you MAY TRY to hide that you are lusting after other women, but I'm sure she sees it.

 

I know how she feels...it hurts like heck.

 

What makes me WANT to be beautiful, and tone up my thighs or whatever, is when he tells me that I'm gorgeous. I like to roll my hair, and dress sexy for a man who's going to appreciate it.

 

Why bother looking nice for a guy who's not going to appreciate it, and nag about your appearance? My mom is mid 40's, and over 200 pounds. When it's time for dad to come home, though, she does her hair, and puts on a little make up. She doesn't look beautiful with a little bit of make up, but he makes her feel beautiful.

 

I am a 21 year old 130lb 5'5 girl with long brown hair, who works full time. Men and women turn to watch when I walk by. My husband makes me feel like a fat lazy slob.

 

Just be EXTRA careful not to make her feel worse than she already does. Nothing is worse to a woman, than looking in the mirror, and hating what you see. I still love the way I look, but of course not as much as I used to. When I was dating my husband, he made me feel like the most sexy, beautiful woman in the world. After about 6 months of marriage, though, he suddenly thought that I should improve every inch of my appearance, attitude, and work ethic.

 

The best idea for making your wife look more beautiful, is complimenting her. Even if it's not on her looks, find SOMETHING to compliment. I once asked my husband to say 3 good things about me...he couldn't come up with one. He may have been joking, but it sure wasn't funny to me

 

You may not have noticed how you nagged her when she'd gain an inch, or get bloated, or leave a glass out, but it may have added up to her getting tired of trying.

 

The best thing you could do (and I would LOOOOOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it if my husband did it) would be to buy her some sexy lingerie, and bring it home in a pretty box as a gift. Have her put it on for you, and then do your darndest to make her feel sexy. Kiss her neck, carress her skin, and make love to her. If you can't get turned on by her appearance, ask her to go down on you, then close your eyes, and fantasize about how she used to look.

 

If it makes you feel better, whisper a memory from your dating days in her ear while you make love to her.

 

Making her feel worse than she already does isn't going to work. Making her feel like she has a reachable goal may work.

[Matilda]

I think I pretty much agree with Monday about this issue. I have been in a similar situation. My husband and I married about 10 years ago. Before we married, he told me he had been engaged to a woman who had gained some weight, and this turned him off. He broke off the engagement, for other reasons, but I do believe her weight factored into it.

 

When we married I weighed 118 lbs (I am 5'4"). 4 1/2 years ago I became pregnant with twins. I gained about 60 lbs. during my pregnancy, lost some of it after, but still, for about 2 1/2 years after the birth of the twins, I was heavy, around 145 lbs. I knew that my husband preferred thin women, he had told me as much. But, I didn't feel like I could lose the weight I'd gained, not only that, I didn't really want to.

 

I was staying at home with my children, when previous to that I had worked. Not working anymore caused an identity crisis of sorts, I just didn't really know who I was anymore. I had always thought of myself as a professional, and now I wasn't one. I felt a loss of self esteem.

 

Also, because I am fairly short, I really didn't have enough room in my midsection for twins. Consequently, my abdomen really stretched out. I had (and have) a ton of stretch marks where the skin stretched. No amount of exercise will tighten stretched skin. The only remedy for that is surgery, not an option in my case. Thus, there was a feeling of, well I'm never going to look like I did before anyway, even if I do lose the weight.

 

Furthermore, caring for twins, plus I had another child, was exhausting. You are doing this 24 hours a day, it is hard and monotonous, even though it was what I very much wanted to do. I was just glad to make it through the day most days. I had children/babies on me all day long. Truly, I just didn't care how I looked. I knew my husband wasn't completely happy with my appearance, but to his credit, he never complained about it.

 

Another thing, when you're home with kids, it is easy to fall into the habit of eating what they eat, chips, cookies, McDonald's, etc. You finish up what they don't eat. And really, a lot of my excess eating was related to boredom. As much as I loved, adored, and cared for my children, I was bored, and eating relieved the tedium, slightly. I was used to working, being commended for the good job I was doing, and going home at the end of the day. When you're a Mom, nobody gives you a good job evaluation, you just hear I need, I need, I need, from your children, 24 hours a day. And this is the way it is with children, and the way it should be.

 

I did exercise regularly before the twins, and tried for a little while after. But the stress of getting two babies ready, and taking them to the gym, was just too much. So, that was another thing I let go. And, I definitely did not feel good about myself during this time. I felt unattractive, and wondered if my husband was still attracted to me at all.

 

So if your husband were to come along and imply, not only do you need to cater to our children's every whim, but you also need to be sexy and perfect while doing it, well, you know what, you're not very inclined to comply. The more I thought my husband wanted me to be skinny, the less I wanted to do it. If he had said to me, which he did not, "Well, you're a fat slob, so I think I'm going to go off with some hot chick from the office."(and believe me it crossed my mind), I would have said "Over my dead body you are. You are stuck with me and these kids that you and I produced, and I will NEVER give you a divorce, no matter how many young things you sleep with."

 

Well, that is not what actually happened in my situation. When the twins were about 2 1/2, I was shopping and saw a dress I loved that was in a style I used to wear before I was pregnant with the twins. I decided then and there, that I wanted to be able to wear clothes like that again. I went home and signed up for Weight Watchers the next day. I did not do this for my husband, I did it because I wanted to do it for me. I lost 29 lbs over the next few months.

 

This past holiday season/winter I gained almost 10 lbs. When spring started, I decided I wanted to go ahead and lose it before I gained more. When I started dieting again, my husband was surprised, as he had not noticed I'd gained weight. Once again, I did this for me, not him. I now weigh about 123 lbs, still more than when we met, but I feel good about myself. I am over 40, have had twins, plus another child, and people are always telling me I look good.

 

But, I will never have a flat stomach again, or perky boobs, without surgery, which is not a possibility. My abdomen is very unattractive, with it's stretched out skin, but there's nothing I can do about it. My husband, I'm sure, thinks it's unattractive, but again, to his credit, he doesn't say anything about it. I know there are other things he finds attractive about me, because he tells me and shows me.

 

So, I think, the more you harp on this, the more your wife will resist. If you do truly love her, you will be able to support her through this. I often wonder, what would happen, if I had a mastectomy, would my husband stick with me? Or what about, if my husband became paralyzed, like Christopher Reeve, would I stick with him? I think it is a question of why you marry someone in the first place. Do you marry someone to have an attracive, convenient sex partner? Or, do you marry to have a partner through life? This is not to say that sex is not important, because it is, but I think you should think about why you married your wife, and what exactly attracted you to her in the first place, and why you still say she is a wonderful woman.

[skinut2234]

Well said- Nice to see it from a ladies point of view. I guess I never looked at it that way-

I think part of the reason is my fear that she will look at other men- I am always conscious of my appearance.... i work out, shower and constantly try to make myself attractive for her- I want HER to want me. There's been times where i knew we were going to make love and I've gotten up and in the shower so I would smell nice for her (weird huh?)- I know I do it- but I want her to enjoy me- I feel it's MY responsibility to look good for her so she will be attracted to me- Make sense?

Thanks for the advice- I will be looking at this differently thanks to you all

[FolderWife]

My husband does that He won't let me kiss on him or anything until he's had a shower. He always said it was "nasty". Also, he obsesses about his weight. He was tiiiiiight when we got married over a year ago, but now he's put on about 20 pounds. I don't even see it....just seeing him without his shirt on *whew* takes my breath away....but he usually won't let me see him without his shirt.

 

I'm glad you posted this thread...it helps me to understand my husband a little more. I thought that since he showered before making love to me, that it was because he wasn't comfortable with me. I also thought the reason he harped on my weight, is because he's shallow.

 

Really, he's comfortable with me, but he just wants me to be attracted to him. With that mindset, the fact that I'd put on 10 pounds without a care would make him feel like I don't care if he's attracted to me or not, which to him reads that I don't care about or love him.

 

It all makes sense now

[brashgal]

Be careful with the lingerie purchase. My ex bought my some in a too small size (it was the size I wore but was too small) and trying it on I felt absolutely awful to find it didn't fit. What should have been a romance booster fell flat on it's face - yes, he could have returned it and bought something else but I think we were both so put off by the experience that that never happened.

[Matilda]

<<I feel it's MY responsibility to look good for her so she will be attracted to me- Make sense? >>

 

It does make sense, but I think what I'm trying to say is the weight may be a symptom of some other problem that may not have much to do with you. Or it may have everything to do with you. Some woman use extra weight for protection.

 

I think you should look at how your lives have changed since she began gaining weight. What is it that is different for her since she has been heavy? Has she ever been heavy before, and if so what were the circumstances surrounding that? Did she use to exercise, and now doesn't? What are the factors contributing to that? Maybe she's depressed. Maybe since she knows how you feel, she eats to comfort herself.

 

I think this is a big problem, and your marriage is in trouble. You are already saying you're attracted to other women. And your wife may come into contact with some male that appreciates her the way she is and really respond to that appreciation. I think counseling would be a good idea, so you can find out what the underlying problems in your marriage are.

[Celebrity]

Newsflash.

 

Skinut's wife already knows she's overweight.

 

When a woman is overweight, she knows it. Every one pound over her "ideal" is a ten-pound weight on her shoulders. We spend our lives chained to a scale, expected to live up to unrealistic standards of beauty. Even attainable standards of beauty do not come easy to every woman.

 

This woman has had three children. She is no longer a teenager. She will never again have a flat belly or perfectly smooth skin. She will always deal with a slower metabolism, a few extra pounds, the cellulite that she just can't get rid of. These are the trade-offs that humans make for getting older and having children. Is it worth it?

 

Losing weight is HARD. Anyone who has a lot of weight to lose and chooses to try and slim down should be prepared to spend every waking moment thinking about food. Exercise is hard too, and the bigger you are, the harder it gets.

 

And the worse you feel about yourself, the less you want to try.

 

I sympathize with this woman. My appearance has been my single biggest struggle for my entire life. I have never been model material, and I could probably stand to lose a few pounds. However, I am reasonably attractive and have the beauty and fitness of youth on my side. Still, I am eternally self-concious. I think about my appearance almost constantly, am usually on a diet, won't wear certain clothes. It is hard. I would like to love myself enough not to worry about it, but I don't yet. I can work on loving myself as long as my husband makes me feel he will love me however I am. As Skinut's wife says, "Can't you love me the way I am?"

 

My normally-dear husband has recently accused me of letting myself go when I'm at home - in the sense that I "don't try" to look good when I'm at home. I let my make-up wear off, take out my contacts, pull back my hair and wear my pajamas. From my perspective, this makes me comfortable. When I do things my way, I'm more physically comfortable, I don't get cat hair on my work clothes, my hair isn't in my face, my contacts aren't bugging me, etc. When he made a complaint about this I felt nothing toward him - not even angry. Just a feeling like he was just like every other man in the world - caring less about the wonderful things inside of me and more about what I looked like. I told him that he needs to think about what is important - I fill every single one of his other needs - which one is he willing to give up in order for me to look better at home? I need SOME time to be me. I want to be me when I'm in my own space. Your post does not give me much hope for the future.

 

Should couples be able to talk about these issues? I personally believe that in a good relationship, it is okay for some topics that are too hurtful to one partner or the other to be declared "off limits."

 

Which brings me to my next point. Asking your wife to lose weight is more likely going to give her incentive to do the opposite. She needs to look good for herself, not for anyone else. You need to make her feel beautiful as she is. Trust me, this will not make her want to try less.

 

What I read from Skinut's original post is an understandable plea for validation. I personally will only validate this far: you know she could do better for herself, and you're right. The other things are, to some degree, your problem. Remember why you fell in love with this woman - you said yourself she is wonderful? Remember that she is the mother of your three beautiful children? Remember that it is not easy to lose weight, and that she feels badly about herself?

 

Your being attracted to other women is not to be condoned or condemned - I am (reasonably happily) married to a very attractive man and I find myself attracted to other men. I simply choose not to act on the attraction because it is wrong. You can do the same. Even if she lost weight and became gorgeous you'd probably still find yourself attracted to other women. It's just something that happens.

 

So, my suggestions (if you haven't tuned me out yet for not telling you what you want to hear).

 

1. Every time you feel resentful or unattracted to her for this issue, replace the thought with one of why you love and cherish her. There are FAR more important things than looks. A person's worth is wrapped up in what's inside.

 

2. Make her feel beautiful - there ARE beautiful things about her. If she feels like you think she is beautiful, trust me, she will want to try harder.

 

3. Get her interested in going shopping again. Nothing is a better incentive for losing weight than shopping, and no matter who a person is or what they look like, they always look better in new clothes.

 

4. Take her on a DATE, to a fun activity - bowling or dinner at a sandwich shop, then a long, romantic walk in a beautiful park. Do this often. She probably wants to go out more anyway. Whatever you do, do NOT mention that it is exercise. If you have to, make the excuse that it's cheaper than a movie. Also, put a badminton net up in your back yard. If she does these activities regularly for a couple weeks, she may start to think "hey, I can do this!"

 

5. If the issue comes up again in conversation, let her know you are backing off and that you want her to take care of herself for her, not you. Whatever you do, do not bring up the health consequences of obesity. Of course obesity carries health risks. She knows that. She also knows that others are more concerned with her appearance than lengthening her life a couple years

 

Bottom line. She knows she's overweight. She probably hates it. Try to be supportive and caring. If the incentive to lose weight comes from within, she will find herself better off both physically and emotionally.

[shamen]

Just a short question: Does she even have time to go to the gym if she would want to? Do you take the time to watch the kids so she can have time on her own? This could be another side of the equation.

[morrigan]

I'd encourage the whole family (kids included) to do some outdoor activity--walking, hiking, cycling. Go to a state park and hike their trails. Great way to get in exercise, and spend time together.