Need to make a decision in 48 hours - walk or work it out?

[TrutrustGirl]

I am turning to all of you in hopes that I get some professional feedback. 4 months ago, I came across my bf's cellphone and went through it. I came across alot of horrible text messages to SEVERAL different women that were all sexual. He even sent pictures of his private to this one woman. But its not just one that he's having sexual conversations with....its about 5 different women. I confronted him about it and lets just say that I'm still here and feel so damn stupid. It's not easy to just leave given we just moved into a house together and I'm super attached to his kids. After weeks of arguing, I decided to let it go and see if things get better. He continued to promise me that he'll commit to me and by the way....he denied everything I told him I know. The secret here is that he knows I know somethings...but he doesn't know that I know everything. I even have pictures of his phone with the messages just in case I ever need them. Well the days were getting better and now 4 months later i noticed that he is being really cold with me and picking nonsense fights. Well, I did it again, something didn't feel right and I picked up his phone and went through it. Well to my surprise, he was suppose to meet with someone this morning but for some reason, things feel through. But after cross referencing all his messages from 4 months ago with the new ones I just saw, he is still talking with a couple of these women and while it seems as if his messages to them seem promising like if he was going to meet up with them, then I see another message say sorry we didn't get a chance to meet. I'm trying to save this relationship but I really don't think that I can. I'm hanging from a thread here because I can't believe after all the talk and promises he tells me...it's all bull! He just sent me a text message 2 days ago telling me that he is always thinking of me and our future together. But after what I cross referenced, he had called the girl he sent the photos to just minutes before sending me the message. What is his deal? He is always online and chatting with people and I have 0 trust in him. Is this something I can work through or should I save up my money and bail. If so, what do I do in the meantime? I can't take the stress of arguing and this man holds me in his arm every night and tells me how much he loves me....but does he? Professionals are telling me to work it out and try slowly to talk to him about how i'm feeling but when I try, he blows up, walks out on me and doesn't talk to me for days. I know the easy thing to do is to just walk..but my heart is in this with him and the kids. I don't want to go but I need the encouragement and motivation to help me with this decision. Help please.....

[OnyxSnowfall]

I'm trying to save this relationship but I really don't think that I can.

 

You're right... you can't. It takes two to work on a relationship. He doesn't respect you, he lies to you, he hides things from you, he's trying to set up encounters with other women... he is not trustworthy nor deserving of you. He doesn't want to help you save the relationship, he just wants to use you and be with whomever else he wants and who will have him.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. It will likely just keep prolonging itself until you leave him. He doesn't deserve you. He may feed you more lies if you try to leave him, try to get you back when you'll be at your weakest and most vulnerable... and that is when you'll need to be your strongest. He will lie and try to manipulate you over and over again. Please value his actions above his words (at this point). Do you have close friends/family you can make plans with, if you do choose to leave him?

 

(There's a lot of stories on this forum that are similar to yours --- a lot of words of wisdom and experiences you can learn from too)

 

But goodness... he only cares about himself. He won't change until he wants to, and that will take a lot of time and effort on his part... I don't think you should be with him even if he sets out to... if you want to give him a second chance at that point, make sure it's for real and has been in progress for some time (but honestly I think you should work on healing yourself and moving on from him).

 

as for his kids, I understand you're concerned about them... but if he breaks you down, you won't be good for them anyway.

Edited September 4, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[veronicaarchie]

1st off - Im sorry that this jerk off is trying to play you out, Im even more sorry that your stuck in a living situation with him.

 

From both personal experience and things I have seen friends go through, RUN dont walk out that door! Things will never get better. All of the talks and all the promises will never allow you to trust him again. Not only that, but your sanity will begin to dwindle - and it already has. I know that feeling of not wanting to go though his phone b/c in a way, you dont want to know the truth, plus, you want a little pride for yourself, but at this rate, what can you do b/c you know hes untrustworthy. The best thing for you to do is to start thinking of an evacuation plan. Dont leave the house just yet, but do start squirreling your money away - hell, get a 2nd and 3rd job if you have to. Bide your time and take everything at face value, and USE PROTECTION! When the time is right, and your ready mentally and financially- get out. You deserve to be his priority, especially since you live together, not just second fiddle to some cell phone whore

 

I hope it works out for you. be strong

[Arikel]

Hey, I'm really sorry you are in this situation. It sucks and I can understand what you are going through. I can only agree with the above posters that it isn't going to get any better. You said your bf promised to be loyal to you.. But his actions are proving otherwise. I would say, leave. Just leave and go no contact. If you click on my username and find topics started by me, you will see almost exactly your story. I didn't take the advice from Loveshack initially, and within a few months I came back here heartbroken again. That may be you if he continues his behavior and doesn't want to take charge of his life and keeps lying. You can't save him, as much as you want to.

 

Be strong. I really wish you well and hope you make the right choices for yourself. It's horrible how he involved his kids in your life too. That's just unfair on you and them. I hope you will be ok, I think you are a strong, smart woman and will be able to come through ok. Hugs to you.

[Professor X]

You know that the base foundation to ALL relationships is trust. If there's no trust there's nothing left; Not in vain it says in the bible don't lie (and I'm not a big believer mind you).

You also know that if you stay in a RS with him, you will just feel worse and worse and inevitably you will project it outwards and that will effect not only yourself but also the surroundings, especially those kids of him you care so much about - and this could really scar them.

 

So do yourself a favor and leave while you got your sanity. Leave while the only power he has over you is your love to him.

[Woman In Blue]

Lordy, what "professionals" are trying to get you to continue on with this farce of a relationship? You weren't put on this earth just so you can constantly have to "work through" the crap he continually brings to your relationship. This isn't an endurance test that you're locked into for the remainder of your life.

 

And at this point, talking with him is pure bullsh*t. He knows damned WELL how hurtful this crap is - you don't need to "tell him how it makes you feel." He's not a 4 year old child who doesn't know any better! He knows it's hurtful or he'd be doing it right in front of your face and wondering why you were upset. Jesus, anyone over the age of 13 knows this is hurtful and wrong, you shouldn't have to TELL him the damage he's doing. Truth is, he knows it's destructive and hurtful and he's doing it ANYWAY because he has zero self control and zero respect for you and the relationship. It's more important to HIM to get his cheap thrills and bang anyone who'll have his pitiful ass than it is to cherish and nurture a relationship with YOU.

 

Bottom line it and don't sugar coat it - that's what he's doing.

 

You may have gotten close to his kids but STOP using them as an excuse to stay with this ass or you're looking for a lifetime of HELL. And in the name of all that's holy, do NOT have kids with this guy. I promise you, you'll regret it.

[norajane]

I have 0 trust in him

And you have 0 reason to have trust in him. Because he's not trustworthy - he's proven himself to be untrustworthy. Which is why you have 0 chance of "working through" anything with him. He's not working through anything or even trying to. You can't repair or build a relationship by yourself, especially not while he's chatting up other women.

 

Do what you have to do, but move on as soon as possible. All the time you're wasting with him, and being anxious and uneasy and unhappy with him is time you could be using to meet someone else. Someone trustworthy.

[TrutrustGirl]

I want to thank each and every one of u for your reply. I said I had to mke a decision within 24-48 hours and in less than 24 hours a decision has been made. Today I was playing video games with the kids and I ran upstairs to get my phone from my room only to find him masturbating while on his computer. I confronted him about it and he laughed and said it was better to masturbate than to cheat on me. I asked him if he was chatting with someone on line and he said to sit at his desk (literally sat me down) and look foe myself. He was on some porn site and so we got into an argumebt about it. He gave me.his phone and told me to go thru it and his Facebook account and when I said ok, he got upset and said that once I was done he doesn't want to ever have me question him again. So I.started going thru it and he got upset and said he can't continue with this relationship.and the accusations. He said it was like living with someone watching over him constantly. He then said that since I dont trust him that now he was going to give me.a reason not to trust him. I asked if he was going to go sleeping around and he said that its none of my concern because we are not together anymore. He then said if telling me that he cheated will help me to move on, then he cheated. Then later said that he didn't and that he's only wanted to be with me but since I can't stop arguing with him that he'd rather be alone. His daughter overheard us and went to her father crying saying that she didn't want me to leave and that she loves me so much. He told her that sometimes things happen for a reason and she won't underdtand but that he cant be with me anymore. So I'm on my way to go pack my things and disappear until I can send movers to go get my things. I wish he would change....but it may all just be wishful t hinking. What hurts me so much is listening to his daughter crying to me asking me to please don't leave. Thank u everyone for ur advice.

[Woman In Blue]

Today I was playing video games with the kids and I ran upstairs to get my phone from my room only to find him masturbating while on his computer.

I guess the jerkoff will have to actually WATCH HIS OWN KIDS now, instead of having you entertain them while he's upstairs acting like the pig that he is. Don't get me wrong - I'm not putting anyone down for masturbating, but this pig has been making it ALL about his pathetic di*ck and leaving YOU to take care of his kids. What a complete loser.

 

So I'm on my way to go pack my things and disappear until I can send movers to go get my things. I wish he would change....but it may all just be wishful t hinking. What hurts me so much is listening to his daughter crying to me asking me to please don't leave. Thank u everyone for ur advice.

BEST NEWS I HEARD TODAY. Leave his sorry ass - he's worthless. People will come and go in a child's life and no one said it was going to be easy. You can still stay in touch with her if you're that close, I'm sure you can find a way. Just don't let the imbecile try wiggling his way back in if you DO stay in touch.

 

Good luck to you.