let not **** ourselves in the head w/stupid men...

[veronicaarchie]

I think Im giving myself vertigo from racking my brain w/ all of this dating non-sense..

 

the abridged set-up of my problem:

A little less than a year ago, my BF of 4 years kicked me out of our apt. Ill spare you the details of our fight, but it was a culmination of years of fighting, guilt, control and resentment. He had an epic temper (of hulk-like proportions), and basically acted like every bad guy in a lifetime for women movie. The day that I was told to leave, was the last time I ever spoke to him. Obviously, the healing process was and is very hard. I was blindsided by the fight and was basically left homeless. But in retrospect, Im 100% better off and back on my feet now..and feeling like Im ready to take a dip back into the dating pool.

 

So, in the beginning of this summer, without even really trying, I met this really attractive bartender when I was hanging at his bar. We were both really attracted to eachother and I guess the sexual tension was palpable b/c even some old drunk commented on it. We exchanged numbers, and the next night we went out. We continued to casually see eachother through June and July. It seemed to me that it was just casual sex - we never went out to dinner, or to a movie. We would either go to a bar, or his house, and maul eachother for hours, at anytime of the day. But then he would say these sly mutterings about how he was working his way up to be my BF, or asking me constantly if I was seeing anyone else, etc. So, I began to think that he was really liking me, and maybe wanted more than just some animalistic thing. I figured that if he meant it, I would consider it. It confused me though b/c aside from him acting cold and aloof at times, I did not want to get hurt again. At one point, I asked if he was saying this b/c he thinks its what I want to hear, or is it the truth..he looked at me like I was crazy, (which I didnt know how to interpret).

 

But then one night I go to visit him at his bar while hes working. I sit at the empty side of the bar, drink my beer and play the jukebox while hes tending bar. After a few minutes, 3 of his regulars come in and sit next to me. He introduces me to the guys, and we all begin to bs and joke around. Im there for a while, and these guys are really starting to hit on me - mind you, I was NOT interested b/c 1 - I was there for the bartender and 2- these dudes were disgusting and beyond wasted. They dont really make any bones about hitting on me either, esp when the bartender comes around to talk to me. In turn, the bartender gets a little pissy and starts making comments under his breath and begins to flirt with the female customers - which, I get it. The man needs to make his tips right? So after a while its getting uncomfortable, and after saying my goodbyes to the bartender, I leave. We hang out briefly after that, but I didnt feel like brining it up. A few days after that, I get a call from the bartender, saying that 1 of the guys that were hitting on me were there and "he wants to know if he could have your #, should I give it to him?"

WELL! what the **** is that about? I know, I probably should have been a little cooler and just told him what he wanted to hear - "noooo! I only want youu", but instead I got so hurt, so pissed, so embarrassed, that I basically told him off and asked him if he whores all of his lady friends out to his customers. The biggest disappointment is that he didnt even understand why I was so offended, his only response was "wow".

I didnt speak to him for a few days after that. And after speaking to a few guys friends, I felt like perhaps I should extend the olive branch and ask him to hang out first. I did, and his response was "yea, maybe. Ill be out all night so maybe after". I kind of felt stupid b/c I then realized that Ill prob always be a piece of ass to him despite his weird unneccesary BF comments. So I asked him if he just wanted to scrap the whole thing since I got the feeling he was blowing me off. His response was " i cant cancell my plans everytime you want to hang out, I do have a life you know". Jeez. So I just said that I got the hint and left it at that. A few nights later he calls to see if Im around...at 1230 am. I didnt respond back to him until 2 days later asking if he would like to hang 1 night that week.... I havent heard from him since, (its been 2 weeks).

 

SO WHAT AM I DOING?

Am I wasting time over-analyzing something that was never there? Am I just trying to fill some void? Was it me, did I **** up, maybe I over-reacted w/the whole phone # thing? Am I suppose to call him and try again? Do I need an lobotomy?