Why does no one say anything to dumpers who jump from relationship to relationship?

[visualbasicide]

how did they get hurt to begin with? could be some random thing, but usually it isn't. Generally, someone hurt them. In their grief, they hurt someone else, rinse and repeat. To some greater or lesser degree this just continues on like ripples in a pond until somewhere the effect ebbs to zero. Doesn't mean there wasn't catastrophe between where it started and where it ends, few people manage to deal with being hurt without hurting someone else. When self preservation kicks in we rarely behave in a good manner, our mind does whatever it has to to shield us from the cause of our suffering turning a normally rational person into an irrational one. While in this state 9/10 of people will say or do something to hurt someone else, probably, but not limited to, the person causing the pain to begin with.

 

I can't imagine a situation really where this can't happen. Everyone reacts differently but at some point they will always say or do something negative at least once. Even if you just go straight into isolation mode, you are ignoring people that care about you, or when someone gives you some cliche advice and you lose your temper, ect.

 

I mean if you are talking about not getting the last candy bar at the convenient store, sure you probably wont take it out on anyone but when you are talking about some kind of relationship I really don't see how something fairly negative and potentially life altering can be contained.

 

I don't know about getting what you are "entitled to". Was I entitled to get betrayed by people I loved and trusted? I was such a horrible person that I didn't deserve respect and honesty from someone else. I totally had it coming. I used up my credit at the first national bank of trust and respect and had to further my education at the college of hard knocks to obtain a new career goal in life?

 

Not everyone gets what they deserve and not everyone deserves what they get. If everyone got what they deserved this world would either be really good or really bad.

[Thieves]

.

 

 

These people, shockingly seemed surprised when they knowingly enter into a relationship with someone that is "unhealthy" and get screwed over and hurt. These people are beyond my understanding or my help.

No **** Homebrew. If I knew what my ex was really like, do you think I would be stupid enough to keep seeing him? Believe it or not some people are really liars.

It annoys the hell out of me that you think this.

 

Notice he said people who knowingly enter a relationship with an unhealthy person. You were unknowing about your ex and him being a (good) liar until after the fact, so that point does not apply to you.

 

Now, if you were to go into another unhealthy relationship after this one - now being aware of the inconsistent signs/red flags from your previous liar ex - and theeen get angry over being hurt again, then this point would apply to you.

[LelouchIsZero]

how did they get hurt to begin with?

That's what makes the whole thing subjective, it depends on what the cause was.

 

When self preservation kicks in we rarely behave in a good manner, our mind does whatever it has to to shield us from the cause of our suffering turning a normally rational person into an irrational one. While in this state 9/10 of people will say or do something to hurt someone else, probably, but not limited to, the person causing the pain to begin with.

I personally never hurt anyone, besides the person who inflicted the pain. I guess I can understand how people manage to hurt others while they're in pain, though Its just not a route I'd take.

 

I can't imagine a situation really where this can't happen. Everyone reacts differently but at some point they will always say or do something negative at least once. Even if you just go straight into isolation mode, you are ignoring people that care about you, or when someone gives you some cliche advice and you lose your temper, ect.

 

Said people would understand why you're being like that, so I wouldn't really consider that hurting them.

 

I don't know about getting what you are "entitled to". Was I entitled to get betrayed by people I loved and trusted? I was such a horrible person that I didn't deserve respect and honesty from someone else. I totally had it coming. I used up my credit at the first national bank of trust and respect and had to further my education at the college of hard knocks to obtain a new career goal in life?

 

Obviously you didn't deserve that, though you kinda just took what I said way out of context, as really no-one would deserve that, nor was I suggesting that -- my last line makes that obvious "If you're genuinely a nice person, then of course, you too deserve someone like that".

 

One would assume that your experience with your ex was a 'bad one', which what I said was in reference to people like her. The type of people who would also say "I deserve the best", when they technically don't deserve much at all.

 

Not everyone gets what they deserve and not everyone deserves what they get. If everyone got what they deserved this world would either be really good or really bad.

Well done.

[visualbasicide]

I'm not bashing you at all my friend. In the context of my own relationship, yeah, it wasn't a good investment. the "knowingly" part is true for sure. As for being able to detect unhealthy behavior in other people, meh. Obvious signs of it maybe, in my experience, there were nit picky things, but nothing I would have ever considered serious, until of course the very end.

 

I don't know. The whole conversation is very subjective and context specific in a lot of ways. Some things we ALL consider unhealthy and others could just be a preference. Tie that all in with perception and and you end up with a big mess.

 

I can't even really define how I want to talk about this. From the beginning, you hang out with someone, you don't really trust them and don't have to, you like them and keep spending time with them, then you get emotionally attached, and so forth and so on.

 

At some point you will end up trusting that person. How on earth should you even go about all this? Blindly in my case, in retrospect. Then again I never had a reason not to trust them.

 

If you are with someone trustworthy then great, but if you aren't it is all up to that person's ability to sell you a lie or your ability to believe it. You could, and I have, spend years with a person you really don't know at all.

 

My ex and a ton of my so called "friends" never gave me a reason to question their loyalty, so when it hit, it was all the more devastating because I couldn't have seen it coming. This fact makes one inclined to be paranoid. People you have dedicated your life to, must have been worthy of the dedication for you to have invested in it in the first place.

 

Either that or everyone of us are very bad judge of characters. The whole concept is kind of ethereal, or circular in a way. Trust everyone and pray no one screws it up or trust no one at all? How do you determine a medium? After 5 years with my ex and a lifetime with my friends, I seriously thought I knew who were the people I could trust and who weren't. Anyone on the planet would probably do the same things, the people that are in your life that long have earned their place there by proven dedication to the mutual relationships that each has maintained. Then one day. Poof. Gone.

 

How do you rationalize the difference between friends and enemies if people are predisposed to pretend they are one thing and then years or decades down the road prove to be something else. There is a lack of judgement somewhere though if it is ours or theirs I have no idea.

[LelouchIsZero]

I'm not bashing you at all my friend. In the context of my own relationship, yeah, it wasn't a good investment. the "knowingly" part is true for sure. As for being able to detect unhealthy behavior in other people, meh. Obvious signs of it maybe, in my experience, there were nit picky things, but nothing I would have ever considered serious, until of course the very end.

 

Oh, Im aware. Sorry if my post seemed to take an aggressive tone, it wasn't suppose to & I wasn't attempting to "bash" you either -- I'm just a rather straight forward person.

 

There is just so much to consider in any relationship you form, whether it be with friends or a partner. Most of it comes down to luck, in my opinion.

 

Life is a rather odd thing.

[radiodarcy]

Quite simply because our perspective is wildly different to theirs. And even if they did see the sense behind what you were saying, they're often so insecure that they wouldn't have the personal strength to stop jumping.

 

So basically, that's why it's best to just focus on yourself and let them go. You won't change them; only they can do that for themselves if they want to. And they often don't want to.

 

A lot of these people claim that they're looking for the 'perfect relationship' or 'person', but they refuse to acknowledge that lasting relationships require effort or they're not being truthful and in actual fact don't want a meaningful relationship. It's far easier for some people to be 'in love' with the illusion of love rather than actually enter into true love.

 

well said! this fits my ex to a "T" as well. you really can't change the way they go about this. ultimately they are the ones who will suffer until they decide they truly want to stop this behavior.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

My last 2 exs were like that.. One was very codependent and used his other relationships for comfort blankets to get over ours.. That and he had problems keeping peewee in his zipper..

 

The second is also codependent they need validation from someone else and they aren't men enough to deal with the pain and the emotions of things on there own. So they are on to the next person hoping that the validation,sex and the fact they aren't alone will cure there emotional issues over the break up.. Alot of people do it.. Even us dumpees. I have chosen to take time out for myself and enjoy my freedom for a while, putting the past behind me and find out who I really am and what I want before getting into a new relationship.

[visualbasicide]

My last 2 exs were like that.. One was very codependent and used his other relationships for comfort blankets to get over ours.. That and he had problems keeping peewee in his zipper..

 

The second is also codependent they need validation from someone else and they aren't men enough to deal with the pain and the emotions of things on there own. So they are on to the next person hoping that the validation,sex and the fact they aren't alone will cure there emotional issues over the break up.. Alot of people do it.. Even us dumpees. I have chosen to take time out for myself and enjoy my freedom for a while, putting the past behind me and find out who I really am and what I want before getting into a new relationship.

 

Yeah I think alot of us have went down that road, dumpee's and dumpers, myself included. the smart ones figure it out and the dumb ones keep doing it. Going solo has its rewards.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

I also have done it.. I wasn't really at the time looking for a relationship but it just happend and I went for it.. The truth is no ONE is perfect. They will keep searching for this perfect thing that dosen't exsist. Thinking well when things get to hard I will move on to somthing else and when that faces its challenges it willagain fail. I think faceing your challenges head on is the only way to live and deal with life in any situation.

 

It takes work to have a real relationship. Everything else is just dating or sleeping around. They will usually come to this conclusion and remain in a life of bed hopping or alone. I'm a long termer so I will try everything I can until giving up. Even if the person I am with didn't deserve those chances.

[visualbasicide]

well said

[ScienceGal]

 

It takes work to have a real relationship. Everything else is just dating or sleeping around. They will usually come to this conclusion and remain in a life of bed hopping or alone. I'm a long termer so I will try everything I can until giving up. Even if the person I am with didn't deserve those chances.

 

That's me!