Why is my ex hiding her new relationship from me?

[ganghis]

My ex girlfriend and I were together for 4 years. We broke up a few times over the course of her relationship mainly because of her cheating on me. I decided to take her back every time because a) I was in love with her. b) she expressed that she was going through a lot of stuff, was depressed and was unfaithful because of it.

 

Our entire relationship was up and down the entire time, very intense, but very loving regardless of the problems. Each time we broke up things got more and more difficult, about a year ago she dated one of my friends behind my back, I found out about it and was crushed and we have never been the same since then. After some time I decided to forgive her but kicked my friend out of my life. Even though I forgave her we didn't get back together, just slept together a few times and continued to hang out and talk every day.

 

About 3 months ago it all changed. She became very distant with me, cold at times, just different in general. I asked her why this way and she just said she was busy with work. I believed her initially until the distant got more apparrent. I was confused as to why she would push me away and asked her repeatedly what was going on with her-again nothing. One day I ran into a mutual friend of ours and she told me that she was dating another mutual friend of ours. I was lied to-again. I confronted her about it and she denied that she was with him. I decided to believe her until the cold distance again got worse and numerous other people confirmed that they were indeed together. I asked her again, and again she denied. I asked her if we are just friends why wasnt I allowed to know about him? I actually know the guy socially and I like him and I told her that.

 

We rarely talk anymore and I know she is with him. We have had countless of arguments about it and It's gotten to the point where I need to know so I can have some closure and move on. I expressed this to her and still she keeps lying to me. I want to be her friend, I want her in my life, but I don't see how we can be if she withholds and hides so much from me.

 

At this point, why would she not want me to know about him? What would she gain from that? I am confused and hurt, what do you think?

 

Thank you for reading....

[smudge21]

You're still in love with her and are simply hurt by everything, this latest break up is just the icing on the cake. The fact is she can't really love or respect you anymore, no after the amount of times she's left and you've taken her back - even when you turned your back on your friend but not her!

 

Respect comes not just from being nice to someone but also being firm and honest with them. When you've taken her back you've pretty much told her it's okay to carry on as you'll always be there. I know people in similar situations - they keep taking their partners back yet acting suprised when they cheat again and again.

 

The reason she's not being honest now is because she's never been honest in the past and now has it set in her mind how she should behave around you. Laying down the law and asking for the truth is a bit too late now my friend. You clearly know she's with someone else and has no intention of ever being loyal and honest with you, so why look for anymore closure than that? Seriously, what more could you want from her now? What else is there to know? Why torture yourself further?

 

Her actions have made it clear the type of person she is, so do you really want to be her friend? I don't think you do. What you want is what most of us think we want after a break-up; and that's to be friends with the ex. It's a lie. We don't want to be friends, we want them back and we feel that at least being friends means we'll be with them and maybe can make things work. Trust me, it never works. You really think you can be her friend? You really think you can sit with her whilst she tells you what a great lover her new guy is, or (as in my case) tells you about her engagement? Think about that and really think about what you really want.

 

I know it hurts, loving someone who doesn't love you back - the feelings don't die, they get stronger, but the only way now is to go no contact on her. Nothing, no replies to her texts or any of that. I personally am betting that if you stop responding she'll come to you, not to take you back, but because you'll be hurting her ego and doing something she's not used to. That is the time when you need to be strongest. Should she make more effort to speak to you, then that's when you lay down the law and say exactly what you want, how hurt you've been, how you don't trust her and how you don't think you ever will again. If she wants you, then she'll make every effort to change her ways and prove herself to you. If she doesn't, she won't.

 

Either way for now, go NC and read some other threads on here. You're not alone with what you're going through.

[ganghis]

wow, thank you for that. I have to agree with a lot of what you said and I know a lot of it is probably true. I left out the fact that she said the reason we are not together right is because "she needs to work on herself and improve so she will never do what she has done to me in the past again." I guess that is probably bs huh?

 

I can see what you say about her having no respect for me because I have taken her back so many times. Loyalty is my best and worst quality, if I love someone I try to understand their point of view and why they do what they do. I see that was probably a mistake and makes me into a doormat.

 

Thank you for the honest reply and great advice.

[smudge21]

Love makes us do silly things. Simple as.

 

Taking someone back after they've left so many times in my opinion sends out the message "I'm okay with you leaving just as long as you come back to me". The longer it goes on the worse it gets, until both sides have no love or respect anymore.

 

If she were to come back again, and you really would like it to work still (I think we know the answer to that one) then you need to be strong and sort everything out. You need to trust her and she needs to respect you and together you must love each other.

 

I know full well how difficult it can be to sort these things when an ex comes back as you can so easily get swept up in the joy of being around them, but try to remain focused.

 

No one knows what will happen next with all this, but hopefully you can see the situation from another perspective and next time (if there is a next time) you can deal with it better.