spiderowl Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) How can I put this without it sounding arrogant? I know this guy friend of mine likes me, well is interested in being more than a friend. He's quite shy and never says so directly but has hinted and also a mutual friend has told me they had a chat about me in which this was revealed (which I know nothing about of course). I did feel a bit sad that I was sort of avoiding encouraging him, having heard that, but it seemed the best thing at the time. I also like my friend but wasn't physically attracted to him so didn't respond to hints and besides he's 11 years younger than me so it was easy for me to joke about me being too old for him. Generally, I think he got the hint that I wasn't interested then. Problem is, I do like him as a person a lot and he's grown more attractive to me over time. However, .. and this is where it gets difficult ... he has been drowning his sorrows recently in drink and has starting smoking. So now I'm stuck. There is no way I'd want to encourage him while he is over-indulging in drink and has got into smoking. I know he's been sad about not finding the right woman but this is the worst thing he could do. Women will not find this attractive although, as I say, he's a lovely guy, gentle, caring and sweet. He is really shooting himself in the foot. I have tried to think of a way to say something that won't upset him or would be suggesting he's an alcoholic. I don't think he is, but he is on the way to becoming one. Also, the smoking thing is really awful, only pipes so far but still ... they stink just as much. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking of him as my friend and what his might mean for his future relationships and how this will affect his chances. I'm also, selfishly, thinking that there is no way forward for us either the way things are going. Should I say something to him? How? What? I think his self-esteem is already pretty low and this is the crux of it. If I start to criticise, even in a positive-sounding way, it's not going to be received in the way it's intended. Should I just leave well alone and leave it up to him to sort himself out or get in a worse mess (the latter is where I suspect it's going) or say something? I want to keep my own interest out of this for the moment as I think making sure he's alright is the first priority. It would not be right to say to a guy that I would have been interested in him as a future partner had he not started all these harmful habits. What do you think? Edited September 5, 2011 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesMay Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I think you're looking for excuses to justify your rejection. You feel guilty but it's not your fault. Judging him will make matters worse and so will staying in his life. If you really do like him, go get him at the bar and make sweet love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 Thanks for responding. I disagree. I'm not looking for justification over rejecting him. I have rejected him because there are problems and it looks like they are getting worse rather than better. I like this guy and don't want him to go downhill and become an alcoholic. I can see women will be put off by his behaviour and that he can't see why he's not getting anywhere with them and is 'drowning his sorrows'. I don't want my friend to be depressed. I keep wondering if he's the guy for me because he is a good guy but every time he becomes drunk and remote or smells of smoke, I am reminded that he can't be. Point is, should I say something to him to try to get him to change his ways or just leave him to it? I have/had another friend who is an alcoholic. I don't see him now. I can't bear to watch him destroying himself. The last thing I want to see is this dear friend going down that route but I guess from his point of view women aren't interested in him and he's trying to numb himself. He can't see it's a vicious circle. Link to post Share on other sites
visualbasicide Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Hint to him that if he didn't smoke and drink that things between you might be different? Seems pretty straight forward to me. Explain even that you did have a crush on him but think that this latest turn of events has made you questions if you wanted to go any further? A little encouragement can motivate people to become even better. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesMay Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Ok. I'm not feelin it Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 Hint to him that if he didn't smoke and drink that things between you might be different? Seems pretty straight forward to me. Explain even that you did have a crush on him but think that this latest turn of events has made you questions if you wanted to go any further? A little encouragement can motivate people to become even better. Thanks for your suggestion. I have thought of this but I am not sure he's right for me. If he wasn't drinking and stuff, we could get to know each other better but that doesn't mean we'd be a good match. I don't want to 'promise' him something and end up not delivering. Also, I'd kind of like a guy who I don't have to guide in this way, someone who has his own self-discipline. If I did do what you suggested and we did get together, then what would he do at the first sign of stress between us? Relationships have their ups and downs and my fear is that he will turn to addictions again if there are hard times. It's almost as if I'd be bribing him to be good. Shouldn't he just be good in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
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