I`m seriously considering leaving my wife

[Marty74]

The first few years of our marriage were great, but then she started to let herself go and grew bitter. When we met, she wasn't a stick. So this isn`t because she gained a few pounds. She was about average, maybe a few pounds overweight, but that's not a big deal to me. I like thin to about average and curvy. If there is a bit of belly fat, I don't mind.

 

However, she started to gain weight really fast during our fourth year of marriage. I was worried at first, maybe she was depressed. She told me that years before we met she was overweight, because she had been depressed but then lost the weight again. So I wondered if it was our marriage, and started to see what I could do to spice things up at home.

 

After four years of marriage, we were comfortable around each other and I realized that maybe I wasn't doing the small gestures I used to do in our early relationship. Plus I went to a lot of advice sites on the internet, and talked to some women as well about what she could be depressed about. So I did what I could, but she never reacted to any of it. I asked her about it finally, because I was getting frustrated.

 

I still loved her, I am not that shallow even if I prefer smaller sizes than her. I wanted to make the marriage work, she was the woman I wanted to have kids with someday. She told me nothing is wrong. I've dated long enough to know that women actually mean something is wrong, plus she was slowly growing bitter.

 

Our sex life was still good. I was bringing home small gifts. I gave her massages. Once or twice I even brought her breakfast in bed. Something I've never done except in my college years when I was trying to impress a girl to get her in bed with me again. (I know, I know, terrible but I was 19 at the time.) Then she started snapping at me, so I gave her a bit of space but still tried to make the marriage work. So I went to her sister, and asked her if they had talked about anything, but her sister said she was snapping at everyone.

 

Months went by, and she just grew more and more bitter. I was getting frustrated, and by that point she had stopped having sex with me. She had stopped going out with her friends. Her hygiene was getting really bad. So I went to her family and friends and we had an intervention. She had gained seventy pounds by this point. Seventy. We all gave her our ultimatums. I had discussed this with her family, and mine and one of her girlfriends and I brought divorce up.

 

I explained that I was unhappy, she was unhappy and I wanted to end the marriage if things would keep going this way. She started to cry and promised me she would change and that she didn't want me to leave. She apologized to everyone. Things seemed to go good again. It lasted a month, and she got worse than before. We all tried to talk to her again, but she told us all to **** off and leave her alone, and she told me she didn't want a divorce though I brought it up. It`s been almost four years since the intervention.

 

I just can`t take it anymore. I am so stressed out, and I hate going home. I`ve spent a few nights at a friends place just because I didn`t want to go home to her. She accused me of cheating, though it was a buddy of mine I`ve been staying with. I`ve asked her what she wants then, but she just won`t talk to me. We`ve been married eight years now, together for ten and I just don`t want to be with her anymore.

Edited September 5, 2011 by Marty74

[whichwayisup]

It isn't you. She suffers from depression, she isn't just sad or down, things bothering her. She has a mental illness.

 

Instead of hating her, at least for now, encourage her to get help. Meaning, seeing a Dr, getting a full physical. And, a referral to a therapist who can help with her depression.

 

the choice is hers, hopefullly she'll choose getting better rather than doing nothing and being angry.

 

Editted to add.. Do you two have kids?

Edited September 5, 2011 by whichwayisup

[Marty74]

Her parents have tried since we had the intervention to get her help. They are worried too. Her mother recommended her to a therapist and she didn`t think to her for about six months. They started talking again when we went to their place for Christmas that year. She just doesn`t want to accept our help, and I don`t know why. I don`t know what could be making her depressed. The only time she seems happy is when she is at work. She owns her own business, and when I`ve gone to visit her that`s when she is happiest, until she sees me anyway. So I still keep wondering if it`s me, but then her sister tells her the same thing. She seems extremely happy until she sees her and then she snaps at her.

 

I overheard her on the phone a week ago saying she feels as if I am holding her back. I didn`t want to admit that I was eavesdropping, but I heard it when I walked in from work. So I asked her what she meant, and if she really feels that way then maybe we should just divorce. She got mad at me for listening in on her conversation, and said that no she doesn`t want to divorce me. And then when I went to her mother about it later, to see if maybe she had told her that I was holding her back. Her mother said no, and that she said the same thing to her sister except she said everyone in her family was about two months ago.

 

So I am wondering what can we be holding her back from? I've offered her an out if she wants it, and I just don't want to be with her anymore. I'd rather be at work then at home. It seems she feels the same way from what I've seen. Unless of course she is putting a face on for her customers. Either way, I just wonder if I should tell her that I want out, even if she doesn't. I shouldn't have to stay in a relationship that I'm not happy in.

Edited September 5, 2011 by Marty74

[Zaphod B]

Well based on what you're saying it doesn't seem like a healthy relationship stay in. Perhaps it's time to call it quits as painful as that may be?

[KITT113]

I have read through your post, and can see you aren't happy and yes as painful as it may be you may have to go through divorce. But I suggest before you do this, offer up counseling for both of you, so you can go and talk to someone separately and then together. If she does not want to go to counseling then you know your answer, she doesn't want help, sounds like counseling was tried before. My ex went to counseling one time and told the counselor he had nothing to say to him, and walked out. Leaving me to realize that it was over because my ex wanted it over not me, but eventually it was me, i initiated the whole thing of getting divorced. I just recently divorced and its not a very easy thing to go through, 33 years with the same man, since the age of 17, he wanted to sow his wild oats, he was going through something personal, and I tried to help, but I can't do that knowing now he has to help himself. So he's fixing that with alcohol, anyways, life does go on and its not easy. If again she is not willing to go to counseling for whatever she is going through personally then you know what you must do for your own piece of mind. I hope that things get better for you, and that you do what needs to be done, write it all out on paper and make sure you both agree and move on. I put up with my unhappiness for many years before I realized it was time, I couldn't live any more the way I lived, so here I am now a single person at the age of 52 and wandering what it all was for, just thankful we had no children. But you will make it through this and yes my gosh its going to hurt. Please take care of yourself and I hope things work out, I don't like to hear about people getting divorced, but sometimes it happens. Take care now. I also wanted to add this note, for you to seek out a divorce care group through a church, a very good group to go to, that has many answers about life.

[Marty74]

Well I had a long talk with her today. Since it was a holiday weekend, neither one of us had to work today. Most weekends lately I haven't been spending time at home, but I did today. She was home as well, and watching TV so I turned it off on her and told her we had to talk. I wanted to know what happened four years ago, when the depression started and why it has worsened over time. She started to ignore me like she always does when anyone brings up her depression. So I told her that I am done, and we are divorcing and she again that she doesn't want a divorce. So I told her things have to change around here then, because I can't handle this anymore.

 

She told me she hates me, and has for the last four years, but it's not just me but her whole family, especially her father and sister. So I wanted to know why that is. What did we all do to her, because I can't think of a thing that I've done to her. And I also wanted to know if she hated me, why should we stay married?

 

Her response? "I don't want to be a divorced woman at 29. My life is already over as it is."

 

I asked her what she meant. I also told her that not wanting to be a divorced 29 year old isn't a good enough excuse.

 

She told me it's complicated. Any woman have any insight on that? Why stay married if you hate your husband?

 

She told me that I'm the only man she has ever been with, which makes sense to me. When we met, she was 19 and I was 24. I put a ring on her finger when she was 21 and I was 26. She said she has felt tied down for the last four years because she feels that she never got to enjoy her 20's because she married so young. She hates her sister because she encouraged her into it. She hates her father, because he shouldn't have let her marry me. I don't get it. She was 21, old enough to make that decision. She jumped up and down when I asked her to marry me. Her sister told me that a month before I asked her she was saying she was hoping I would.

 

She told me she was thrilled at the time, but after she turned 25 she realized that her life was over already... especially once I brought up children. When I think about it, that is when her depression started, when I asked her when she wanted to start having children. Before we got married, we discussed kids and she wanted them, so I didn't know it was an issue.

 

Anyway, she says she feels she is stuck now because she is married, she has her own business and her sister is too needy, her family would be upset if she went and did something else and she is just sick of us all. I told there is an easy solution to the first two and I am giving it to her. We can get divorced and she can sell her business. As for her family, well that's her own issues but I know her family well. I am lucky that we've always gotten along with each other. They will support their daughter in anything she wants to do.

 

So even though she has given me this new revelation I am more confused before. Why stay with a man you don't want to be with? Especially when he is offering you an out? Why stay in a life you are unhappy with? We are lucky we don't have kids in a way, because they won't be affected by this.

 

However, I do want children someday. I am 34 years old, so I would like them soon and I can't if I don't move on.

Edited September 6, 2011 by Marty74

[Zaphod B]

Sorry to hear about this. She is obviously one severely messed up woman and needs help. What a revelation to make after all these years.

[Marty74]

I just don't understand why she let it go on for this long. Why didn't she tell us years ago? Why not bring it up during that intervention we had for her, because we were all worried she might be suicidal or something. She wasn't like that when we first met. Her sister is very needy, but that shouldn't affect her life. And why is she so upset that I want a divorce if she subconsciously wants one too?

[D-Lish]

Get the hell out of there... Leave, divorce, and find yourself a woman that appreciates you.

 

She's too broken for you to fix, and you're not getting any younger.

Go out there and find a relationship that makes you happy.

[2.50 a gallon]

Perhaps I can give you some insight. I suspect that part of her problem is her up coming 30th birthday. And although your wife's and my story are totally different in some ways there might be some similarities

 

Your first problem is that you married a virgin. Times have changed, and in todays world it seems almost inevitable, that most people eventually get curious and regret not knowing what it would be like to experience somebody else.

 

I first noticed my up coming 30th B-day sometime after my 27th birthday. I can recall doing some adding and realizing that I had less than a thousand days left before I turned the dreaded Three Oh.

 

Unlike your wife, I had experienced many sexual partners, and was still semi single. I use the term semi, as although I was still single, I was in my first serious relationship. We had been dating for well over a year, and we had reached a point, it was time for me, as my dad put it, "to blank or get off the pot", so about that time we got engaged.

 

I can think of nothing bad to say about my ex-fiance, she was a beauty, our sex life was fantastic, still one of the best I ever shared a bed with, she was smart, ambitious, and had started in a careeer that she really liked. And she left no doubt that she was all mine.

 

My male friend were all jealous of me, and let me know that they would kill to be in my shoes.

 

But I had a problem with commitment. Part of the problem was that up coming birthday.

 

I knew what I had found, she was more than special, and I must had done something right, as somebody up there must have really liked me to have our paths cross at the right time in our lives. Half of me wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and in fact the thought that I might grow old without her actually frightened me. How could I live with out her?

 

But the other half of me, saw the big Three Oh getting closer, and as for marriage, to me it seemed you get married, you had kids, and then grand kids and then you die. It was like turning 30 was the end of the world

Edited September 6, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon

[whichwayisup]

Her response? "I don't want to be a divorced woman at 29. My life is already over as it is."

 

I asked her what she meant. I also told her that not wanting to be a divorced 29 year old isn't a good enough excuse.

 

She told me it's complicated. Any woman have any insight on that? Why stay married if you hate your husband?

 

She hates herself more. Her thinking process is not normal. Depression does that and what makes sense to her won't make any sense to you, as you see first hand.

 

Her putting the blame on everybody and nothing on herself just shows unhappy and messed up she is right now.

 

Only thing I am concerned about, once the ball gets rolling (divorce wise) you do need to keep a close eye on her emotional state. If you feel she's going to 'do' something out of the norm, don't be afraid to call 911 and have her put in the hospital for obversation (ususally it's 72 hours).. Not saying she's going to do something along those lines, but one never knows.

[whichwayisup]

I just don't understand why she let it go on for this long. Why didn't she tell us years ago? Why not bring it up during that intervention we had for her, because we were all worried she might be suicidal or something. She wasn't like that when we first met. Her sister is very needy, but that shouldn't affect her life. And why is she so upset that I want a divorce if she subconsciously wants one too?

 

People who are depressed, a lot of the time, don't reach out and ask for help, they're too embarressed or ashamed/scared to. last week a hockey player committed suicide, his whole family, friends and the hockey world was shocked and stunned..No one knew about how bad his depression was, he never spoke of it, never asked for help. Unfortunately in our society this is a huge issue with millions of people suffer quietly because of the stigma attached to mental illness.

 

Don't ignore her symptoms. Talk to her family about this, as much as you want out, she still is your wife and obviously you care about her enough as shes' the mother of your children.

[NXS]

I just don't understand why she let it go on for this long. Why didn't she tell us years ago? Why not bring it up during that intervention we had for her, because we were all worried she might be suicidal or something. She wasn't like that when we first met. Her sister is very needy, but that shouldn't affect her life. And why is she so upset that I want a divorce if she subconsciously wants one too?

 

She doesn't want a divorce because she'd have to break out of her comfort zone and do the things she's claiming she wants to do. It's easier to just blame you "for holding her back". She's not taking responsibility for her own decisions.

 

Don't have children with this woman, she's not in a position to be responsible for them. You can still get out now without losing much, you can still meet someone else and have children, the longer it goes on the harder the breakup will be and the harder to start a family.

[2sure]

Maybe she is depressed. Certainly she is unhappy. And she has chosen, repeatedly to do nothing about it and further to blame it on everyone else. Some people simply prefer to bitch and blame. Was her mother like that? Who knows...I realize I am a bit black and white but...if you have offered everything you can..she is going to have to realize that her happiness is not anyone elses responsibility but her own. Thats life.

[Marty74]

She hates herself more. Her thinking process is not normal. Depression does that and what makes sense to her won't make any sense to you, as you see first hand.

 

Her putting the blame on everybody and nothing on herself just shows unhappy and messed up she is right now.

 

Only thing I am concerned about, once the ball gets rolling (divorce wise) you do need to keep a close eye on her emotional state. If you feel she's going to 'do' something out of the norm, don't be afraid to call 911 and have her put in the hospital for obversation (ususally it's 72 hours).. Not saying she's going to do something along those lines, but one never knows.

I think it's already starting to happen, she knows I am serious this time. Not the suicide (and hopefully that doesn't happen) I have an extra day off of work today, because the company is doing some changes. So I asked some of my work buddies to come over soon and help me move some of my stuff out to one of my brothers who has told me I can stay with him. I told her I'd be contacting my attorney, and she might want to do the same.

 

I guess she didn't open her store today, instead she went to her best friends place. Someone she has been ignoring for the last four months. I just found out because her friend sent me a text to ask what is going on, so I called her back to explain everything. She is really depressed though. I could hear her in the background telling her friend to tell me that I am a bastard for doing this to her.

 

However her friend supports me and said she'd make sure she is okay. She contacted her sister for us, and her sister is going to tell her parents. I didn't want to talk to them. I imagine they aren't going to be happy with me. They all know what is going on, but I still don't think they'll support me leaving their daughter no matter how she is treating me or them. They always looked annoyed if I brought up divorcing her. So I hope her family will try to watch over her while this happens. I'm just glad we're only renting the house we live in, so that's something we don't have to worry about. I wanted to buy a place eventually, but she didn't want to, so that's kind of a gift in a way. My buddies should be here soon though, so I don't know what's going to happen from here on out. I really don't know anything about divorce or separation. It's something I've always hoped wouldn't have to happen.

[martyjones47]

Marty74,

 

She is depressed. Maybe something else besides that. Either way, she needs help. She needs some sort of therapy at the very least, and perhaps chemical treatment. But no one can really "make" her get help. She has to make a choice to do it. She might be scared to get help. It can be uncomfortable to make a change, and sometimes getting healthy can throw everything else into chaos. You seem to have a good handle on being able to move on. I think it would be best if she gets treatment. That may or may not improve/repair relationships, but everyone would be much healthier for it. Then you can both be healthier, regardless of your marital status.

[whichwayisup]

I really don't know anything about divorce or separation. It's something I've always hoped wouldn't have to happen.

 

Okay, let's say she was diabetic, or had cancer, or some other disease, would you still want to divorce? Or is it who she is now, how the depression has changed her over the years, and that's why you're fed up and sick of everything to walk away now..

 

Ask yourself this, if in one year, you two are divorced, you see her again, better and happier, more like the woman you fell in love with..Will you feel regret that walked away, wish you'd stayed and worked with her through this tough times? Or would you wish her the best, be happy she's doing better and not feel any regret in divorcing?

 

Just be 100% sure this is what you want. You have proof that she is depressed, she's neglected her store, as well as the marriage and herself!

[Marty74]

I've been dealing with it for the last four years, and we've all tried to help her. It's really up to her now. I've given her many chances over the years. I've given her ten years of my life, and the last four have been very unhappy for both of us. I wouldn't divorce someone over diabetes or cancer though. My brother is diabetic, he found five years ago and that hasn't made me want to stop being his brother.

 

I'm 34 years old, I've given a lot of my life to this woman who hasn't been willing to give me anything in return since she fell into this rut. It was me who went to her family about having an intervention for her, because I got scared. When someone is depressed and loses all interest in everything it could lead to suicide. Her parents and sister were scared as well, and so were her best friends. Some who she has lost over the years because they tried helping her out as well, but she just angry with them so they stopped speaking to her. One was one of her childhood friends, and she hasn't heard from her since the intervention.

 

I can't wait forever for her... maybe this will be a wake up call for her. She's lost friends and now her husband. I don't want her to stay depressed forever, I want her to get better, and maybe she'll be able to finally do whatever it is she wants to do and won't feel tied down anymore. Something has to be done, and unfortunately, it looks like it has to be this. I hate the feeling knowing she hates me and I am holding her back, not when I tried to help. It's not like I've neglected the marriage.

[KathyM]

The first few years of our marriage were great, but then she started to let herself go and grew bitter. When we met, she wasn't a stick. So this isn`t because she gained a few pounds. She was about average, maybe a few pounds overweight, but that's not a big deal to me. I like thin to about average and curvy. If there is a bit of belly fat, I don't mind.

 

However, she started to gain weight really fast during our fourth year of marriage. I was worried at first, maybe she was depressed. She told me that years before we met she was overweight, because she had been depressed but then lost the weight again. So I wondered if it was our marriage, and started to see what I could do to spice things up at home.

 

After four years of marriage, we were comfortable around each other and I realized that maybe I wasn't doing the small gestures I used to do in our early relationship. Plus I went to a lot of advice sites on the internet, and talked to some women as well about what she could be depressed about. So I did what I could, but she never reacted to any of it. I asked her about it finally, because I was getting frustrated.

 

I still loved her, I am not that shallow even if I prefer smaller sizes than her. I wanted to make the marriage work, she was the woman I wanted to have kids with someday. She told me nothing is wrong. I've dated long enough to know that women actually mean something is wrong, plus she was slowly growing bitter.

 

Our sex life was still good. I was bringing home small gifts. I gave her massages. Once or twice I even brought her breakfast in bed. Something I've never done except in my college years when I was trying to impress a girl to get her in bed with me again. (I know, I know, terrible but I was 19 at the time.) Then she started snapping at me, so I gave her a bit of space but still tried to make the marriage work. So I went to her sister, and asked her if they had talked about anything, but her sister said she was snapping at everyone.

 

Months went by, and she just grew more and more bitter. I was getting frustrated, and by that point she had stopped having sex with me. She had stopped going out with her friends. Her hygiene was getting really bad. So I went to her family and friends and we had an intervention. She had gained seventy pounds by this point. Seventy. We all gave her our ultimatums. I had discussed this with her family, and mine and one of her girlfriends and I brought divorce up.

 

I explained that I was unhappy, she was unhappy and I wanted to end the marriage if things would keep going this way. She started to cry and promised me she would change and that she didn't want me to leave. She apologized to everyone. Things seemed to go good again. It lasted a month, and she got worse than before. We all tried to talk to her again, but she told us all to **** off and leave her alone, and she told me she didn't want a divorce though I brought it up. It`s been almost four years since the intervention.

 

I just can`t take it anymore. I am so stressed out, and I hate going home. I`ve spent a few nights at a friends place just because I didn`t want to go home to her. She accused me of cheating, though it was a buddy of mine I`ve been staying with. I`ve asked her what she wants then, but she just won`t talk to me. We`ve been married eight years now, together for ten and I just don`t want to be with her anymore.

You know, when you marry someone that has a few extra lbs., the writing is kind of on the wall that they struggle with their weight. If you take on such a person, you have to be prepared that they are going to have struggles with it throughout their lifetime, and could very well give up altogether on managing their weight. I know you were hoping or believing it wasn't going to get worse after marriage, but it often does. A lot of people try to maintain an acceptable weight when they are single in order to attract a mate, but after they get him/her, they let themselves go. I would like to suggest that, rather than going to various relatives and friends, you see a marriage counselor before ending your marriage. She is struggling with self esteem issues, probably depression, lack of motivation, etc. Psychological counseling would probably benefit her and you. Don't threaten divorce at this point. Insist on marriage counseling, and give that a try, before doing anything else. She has to want to change, and a marriage counselor may be able to motivate her.

[Marty74]

So, an update on the situation:

 

I've kept in contact with her sister, or more like, her sister has kept in contact with me. We've always been friends, even before I got together with my soon to be ex-wife. That's actually how we met. Her sister and I are the same age and we hung out quite a bit. I met her younger sister at her stag and doe. We got to be better friends when the two of us got together.

 

I hadn't planned to keep talking to her once I decided for sure I wanted a divorce. I knew my soon to be ex-wife's family would be angry with me. Which I was right, her parents are but I guess her sister wasn't. She has been calling to talk to me a lot, along with her best friend. They've both been keeping me updated. The first few days I guess she was very depressed, especially once she saw that my co-workers and I had removed most of my stuff. The only stuff I left was stuff that we'd bought together. The stuff I figured once she was ready to talk about it, we'd discuss who would keep what. She didn't open her store until Friday morning.

 

Her mother finally convinced her to talk to someone Thursday night, some kind of group counselling her mother goes to I think. I'm not too sure of the details. Anyway, they went to that, and when they got back home I guess my ex seemed even more depressed. So her sister and her father went over as well. They were worried that maybe the counselling might have triggered something and she might try something stupid. That night her mother even called me and left me a threatening message on my voice mail, and called me a bastard and all sorts of flattering names.

 

However, I guess she woke up Friday morning, showered for the first time in a week and went into work. Her mother checked up on her a few times at work, and she seemed happy at work. When she got home, she told her mother that she wanted to go to the group therapy again, and she also wanted the number of a therapist that she can have one one one time with.

 

Her sister said she still seems to have her depressing moments, but she seems to be a lot more alive than she has been in a long time. Ever since Friday morning, she will seem like her old depressed self, but then she will suddenly change. So they don't know if she is just putting on a show for them, or what. They are going to continue to watch her and encourage to see the therapist and go to her moms counselling group.

 

The biggest change was today though. She called me up and told me she wanted to talk about everything, and about the divorce, and when can we meet? So we set up a dinner date tomorrow to discuss what needs to be discussed. She repeated several times that this isn't her asking me back either. She said a week away from me, and seeing my stuff gone has opened her eyes a little to things. Things she said she didn't want to talk about on the phone, but tomorrow.

 

So I'll have to see what happens with that. I just hope she isn't going to relapse or anything. She seems to be recovering way too quickly from what her sister is telling me.

[Zaphod B]

Great to hear an update.

[ScienceGal]

 

 

Her response? "I don't want to be a divorced woman at 29. My life is already over as it is."

 

I asked her what she meant. I also told her that not wanting to be a divorced 29 year old isn't a good enough excuse.

 

She told me it's complicated. Any woman have any insight on that? Why stay married if you hate your husband?

 

 

I am 29 and I certainly do not feel like my life is over! I have never been married, but would like to be someday. I want one or two children also. I do not consider myself lucky for having been able to "live in my 20s" just because I wasn't married.

 

Thing is, there is nothing that you can't do in a relationship (other than screw around with other people) that you could do if you were single. A healthy relationship will support you and everything you want to do. It will support you as you grow. Things do get a little more complicated with children due to time and finances, but that isn't the issue for you right now. It seems that your wife doesn't have anything that makes her her own woman. What does she like? What does she find happiness and passion in? What keeps her going?

 

If she is depressed, and it sounds like she is, then anything around her that takes effort is going to seem burdensome. This includes talking to you about the marriage. Not only is it work, but it means she has to face her own demons. Most people will avoid looking in the mirror at all costs. I would give her the ultimatum of doing serious therapy immediately or you will move forward with filing for divorce.

 

.ok ending my rant ...I'm just now seeing the update on 9/11. I hope things are turning around for you both