Cant cope

[m1ss selppa]

dont know what to do. Sorry this will probably be long and all over the place, Im working this throiugh while very upset thank you for reading whoever does

 

I feel like I need to give background

 

my mom was abusive and took her anger out on me and my older sis til she moved out and she took it out on my dad too but he worked a lot so most of the time it was all on me. I met what I thought was a nice and smart guy when I was 16, after having stopped using drugs (ashamed now but meth) and I moved in with him right away. I wanted to get away from my mom and I thought I could trust this guy, he was a year older then me (call him Tom). Well I got pregnant when I was 17. I never had a job and didnt get my license ( I was scared of getting into a wreck while pregnant and then after the baby was born I was breastfeeding and still scared)

 

A month before the baby was born, I was outside cleaning the car, nesting or whatever and I started to get really hot and lightheaded. I went inside to ask Tom for help and he pushed me and spit on me and screamed at me because I interrupted his game and ever since then things got worse. He had been rough with me before, it wasnt the first time but I never expected him to be like that when I was pregnant. He had lied many times in the past to and was into pornography and that bothered me but he didnt care. He just didnt care about me or us.

 

I had our baby and he rarely helped. Not even when I was sick and would beg him and cry. One time I had the flu so freakin bad, I was rocking with our baby on the chair and had my puke bowl next to us and didnt think I could get up to change our babies diaper. I asked him for help then too but he got up and left and went somewhere. I cried in between puking and trying to change our baby I just wanted to die. I knew I should leave him then, but I didnt know how.

 

Eventually I stopped caring about him. I didnt want him to touch me either. I told him I didnt love him and that I wanted to leave him and he said "go ahead" so I did... but I didnt have anywhere to go but my moms. She was worse than he was... so I came crawling back. He said "I thought you would have lasted at least one more week" and thats it. Then I tried putting up with things. He expected me to cook and clean up after him so I did. When our son got older he would kick at him and I would freak out and then he would always turn on me and hit me. I would try hitting him back sometimes, until one time our son watched and I tried leaving again. But I came back. I told him one day I would move out, when our son was older and he said "no you wont, you are stuck with me" and it made me more upset.

 

I retreated into myself. I found hobbies and things and spent a lot of time with our son. He only came to me when he wanted sex and I would tell him no for months and months. When our son was close to entering preschool, I told him I was ready to start looking for work. I never had a job before and I didnt have my license... he told me to have fun walking (the car we had was from my dad and he was too busy with his game to give me a ride). So I walked and applied to every place nearby, while our son napped at home. I got three interviews but was turned down. Then I began having anxiety attacks and cramps and I went to the doctor and they said I had ovarian cysts. I also had a IUD in and they said that might cause the cysts so, thinking that I wasnt going to have sex with my ex again and being that I wasnt looking for anyone, I had it removed.

 

Well, several weeks later my ex had been hounding me to have sex with him. I told him no and especially not since I didnt have my IUD anymore. He said he would pull out. Anyway I didnt want him around me either and I did something stupid and gave in. A few minute and it was over, I remember thinking "well at least I can get some exercise I guess" and it wasnt at all pleasurable for me. It sounds horrible I know. Then a couple weeks passed and I met a man. We messaged on myspace and discovered we were neighbors and then we met at a nearby park kind of late at night, while my son was sleeping and with Tom's mom. We just talked.

 

My ex asked where I was when I came back and I told him. Ive always tried to be upfront about things. Then he freaked on me and forbid me from seeing him again. I said we just talked (I didnt have friends anymore, he didnt like my old friends) but he didnt care. When I messaged my neighbor (call him John) I told him I couldnt see him again. He immediately wrote me back and asked why and instead of just leaving it alone I told him that Tom was upset. He started asking me other questions. Eventually I told him that Tom has hit me before and then John started freaking out and telling me I needed to get out of there. I told him its to complicated and that I couldnt yet but that I was planning to.

 

Then I found out I was pregnant. I told John, because we were still messaging here and there. He wanted to see me. I went over to his house and explained things to him. He thought I was lying about everything and I said that I would probably think the same thing in his shoes so didnt blame him. He chose to believe me, over time he did anyway. I left there after having talked with him. Then I told Tom about seeing John and he blocked me out of my computer (my dad also bought that for me) and cut me off of the internet. I felt terrible. I couldnt stop thinking about John either.

 

Anyway, I decided this time I was getting my license no matter what. I failed the written test two times and failed the driving test two times. It made me feel even more helpless. I had walked to the DMV and had passed the John's house and just cried. When I did pass the test I couldnt believe it and I felt like maybe I could get through all of this. Maybe I could find a job before the baby is born to (I couldnt).

 

Well one time I was walking around and John drove by. He looked upset but he didnt stop. Then I drove to the local library and used a public computer and checked my mail and... there were letters from John. And he was online. We chatted and we told each other we couldnt stop thinking about each other, but I told him we couldnt see each other yet. Not until I moved out. I didnt think it was right to any of us. John got upset and said I needed to get out of there as soon as possible.

 

I went home and my ex tried to have sex with me again. The idea just disgusted me. I was only attracted to John and I couldnt just give in like before. I told Tom we had to work something out where we could separate, that we cant do this anymore. He says I just need to get over John and work on my relationship with him. He said he was willing to forgive me and that I should be grateful. Then he started making time to spend with me and our son, he started actually being nice, but I was already pining to much for John.

 

So I left to try to live with my mom again, it lasted about a month because she slapped my son... so back to Tom. I started going to college on campus while at my moms though and I had used the computers there to read up on John's blog and see how he was doing. We messaged and he asked me to meet him one night at the park again, I did. And he offered to have me and my son move in with him but, he was still a stranger to me and I was afraid of risking it. I didnt want to move in with someone rashly again and I was scared. Then John was hurt and told me that if I cared about my children I would leave Tom. He said just as long as I left Tom even if I didnt be with him that it would be best. He asked me why I left my mothers and couldnt understand how anyone else could be worse than Tom.

 

We talked a lot. We went back to his place and I was telling him about all of my concerns. Why I was scared, what I was scared of, and he countered everything. We were sitting on his couch and I went over to him and hugged him then he tried to kiss me. I pulled away. I smiled because it felt good but didnt feel right yet. Then he pulled me in and we began making out. He carried me to his bed and we made out more. We didnt engage in any kind of sex. But I slept in his bed. In the morning, John was very distant and cold and I just got up and left without saying anything to him. We messaged after that but.

 

He started getting kind of crazy on me. He left notes in the mailbox and wrote long letters about who and what he is. He kept bringing up women he's been in love with and he started putting me down. He started getting desperate and saying that his life would be nothing without me and it might as well end. I didnt really understand any of it at the time, other than I felt like I was right not to take up his offer. I dropped out of college right before the semester ended to because Tom said I had to because he couldnt afford daycare and he was going back to work soon and couldnt stay with our son anymore. No one I knew could watch our son so I did. Tom didnt go back to work though.

 

Also - I met John through a very religious family member (call her Rochelle) and she was disgusted with both John & I. In her words, I was married to Tom in God's eyes and I made my choice, I needed to stick with it whatever happened. No one understood how I couldnt get over John or stay with Tom either. I was trying to be open and honest with everyone and I was making mistake after mistake. All the while getting bigger and I was just torn and stressed and lost.

 

I had the baby, not in contact with John. According to Rochelle, John told one of his old flames that I pressured him into being physical and that he had pulled away but I was too agressive and demanding. It was obvious he said something about it because Rochelle relayed things to me that we talked about even and what else happened. I believed what she said. Either way, John shared something I felt should have been private with.

So I didnt want to talk with John anymore anyway.

 

But when I was holding my newborn baby, Tom attacked me because I wouldnt have sex with him. He hit me repeatedly in the head while I curled around the baby and then I left to stay with my dad. His girlfriend did NOT like us there. We left there and we slept wherever we could. I discovered welfare and got on it. John wrote me saying he had a bday present for me and was going to leave it on Tom's doorstep. I told John I wasnt there anymore and he flipped and said he didnt think Id ever really leave again. I told him more about what I was doing and that I didnt want to get into a relationship with anyone right now. I needed to sort my head out and be independent for once. My oldest went back to live with Tom because he couldnt handle staying place at place. I felt terrible. I feel like thats where I really messed up with my oldest. The guilt is eating me up still and I have him more now. Tom seems like he is mean to my oldest still and I feel like theres nothing I can do, not until its obvious and bad and that should be prevented. I dont know what to do about that.

 

On top of that. John wanted to show me he was trustworthy and would treat me and my kids right so he let me access his place and his computer and emails. He was not a mean person no but he had been pursuing several girls while claiming to have been into me and only me. He flirted heavily with his old flames and took them out on one on one lunches, dinners, movies and things. I just didnt know what to make of all of it.

 

Since then hes been trying with me. A couple of years now. I cant trust him. I cant forgive myself. I dont know what to do. I always bring up that we should split but I cant cope without him. I feel like a mess. Im tired of hurting and stressing and dont know where to turn. I have been to a therapist and they said I overwhelmed them. I have talked with counselers and they dont know what I can do. I have tried meds but I get more depressed and suicidal. I can barely make it another day.

 

I wish I could trust my bf but I dont know how. His actions have all since told me he is trustworthy but I cant feel it. I put him through hell because of it too. I need to be strong for my kids but its so hard on my own. Especially without his support. He does treat me good now. I still love him so much. I feel like I have attachment issues though and I dont know where to start. I think we might both be better off without each other but he always says he wont be. How does someone break up with someone they cant trust but still love? And get through it? I dont know what is best. I need help

[smudge21]

So sorry to read what you've been through and even worse that you seem to blame yourself or your own actions for some of it. That fact is, you met the wrong guy (maybe guys, I'm not sure about John either if I'm being honest).

 

I think you need to look at yourself more clearly as there's plenty of insecurities building up which could easily lead you back to your ex or into the arms of someone like him. With the upbringing you've had and the problems you've faced, no one would blame you for feeling the way you do, but I would strongly suggest speaking to a specialist - someone who really can ask the right questions and help you, much more than we can here.

 

You have a lot to deal with and whatever happens from this point on wards will not be easy. You're clearly a very strong willed person depsite everything and for that I'm so impressed. Many would have given up a long time ago but you have something that keeps you going - this needs feeding and encouraging so you can take charge of your life and be strong enough to realise you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. Relationships are there to enhance our lives, but they are not the be all and end all of our lives. We have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with others.

 

Everything you've said is so heart breaking yet I still think you'll get past this and work it all out, but it will take time. See what others post and please consider talking to someone who can offer the support you need right now.