Allow me to introduce myself (cuz you're gonna get to know me!)

[Marie Callender]

Hi new friends,

My name is Marie. I am 25 years old. I am the "other woman". I am looking to sort out my thoughts, emotions, and reasons behind my actions. I've thought about getting counseling for advice, but I like the idea of getting multiple points of views from this site. I will appreciate your advice so much, as I feel I have no one to talk to - I am worried that my friends and family won't understand or I'll be judged. I'm also worried I won't like their advice and then frown upon my choices. I'm also young, so my friends don't have any sound advice to give me.

 

I was raised in Southern California, and left home to go to college. While in college, I met my first long-term boyfriend, who I was with for 5 years. We had a very healthy and happy relationship. I was in love with him. I thought he was "the one". I stayed in our college town after graduation to be with him, and started my career in WA.

 

In this economy, I was lucky to land a low-paying job with a small start-up company. The business suddenly did very well financially, and we all (quickly) started making a lot of money. As work became my life, my boyfriend and I grew apart. I am not sure if it was because we got out of "college life" and grew separate ways, or if I grew bored with him, or if I turned stuck up and rich, or if he got lazy in our relationship, or if I started an emotional affair with my 40 year old mentor and boss - the owner of the company I work for. I still don't know this answer.

 

Part 1 of me trying to find answers for myself is trying to figure out WHY I chose to end a not-the-most-exciting, but not butterflies-in-my-belly relationship with someone who I loved. Surely any relationship gets stale after a few years? I often feel guilty for breaking his heart, because he was a good guy who treated me well. He cared about me. Had our relationship run its course, or did my current married boyfriend (the 40 year old boss) drive a wedge between us?

 

Me and the married boss were friends, I never cheated on my boyfriend. But he listened to me rant about my relationship problems, and was my shoulder to cry on when I decided it was time to move on from my stale relationship and enjoy my youth (it was still a sad breakup for me). He helped me make that decision. He told me it was time.

 

I also had thought about breaking up with him for awhile, 8 months or so, and believe I finally did something about it because I finally had the financial means to do so (I was a debt-ridden, unemployed college kid all of 1.5 years ago). I wonder: did love lead me to where I am right now, or was I manipulated and stolen by someone before I realized he liked me too? We had been accused of having an affair before we ever did.

 

Did my MM destroy my future; or did he give me the strength to find something better for myself? It has been a hard breakup - but it made me stronger. I honestly can't imagine getting back with my ex now because I clearly see what I want now, and it is no longer him (as cold as that is).

 

So, if anyone would like to share their thoughts, I'd be thankful. I am going to slooowly go through each chapter of my situation so that it helps me in making a smart choice in my current relationship with my MM and boss. He is amazing. He is on vacation without me and I'm using this time away from him to do some serious soul searching.

 

Thanks again

Edited September 5, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

Hi Marie!

 

I think your own questions may actually be your answers and what you really think, but phrased in an interrogative manner. You're not thinking these things for no reason, you know the situation best and the fact that these questions would even cross your mind are telling.

 

You probably did need to leave your ex and it is interesting that you say he is not what you want. Is your boss REALLY what you want and that situation? Do you see a future there?

 

I am of the mind that getting involved with one's employer or coworkers is usually a very bad idea, and if you add that it is an A, it gets worst. You're young, starting out life and a career, and this man may or may not see you as vulnerable and attractive and is using your weakness to slip himself in, pun intended....but the point is, I think you feel something is awry and you should probably listen to that feeling! You want a career not entwined with your boss's personal life thus making your financial security vulnerable to his whims, you deserve to be able to have an honest career and an honest relationship in which you don't have to be worried about being manipulated.

[Marie Callender]

I think it was time to leave my ex. I think we were both too afraid and I finally took a leap. It is weird to feel so certain that we could never work if we got back together.

 

I also think some time feeling single after such a long relationship is healthy. I am learning to be alone and even what I like and don’t like. I can only be ready for the next relationship if I am whole myself.

At the same time…my boss is what I want. I knew him well as a mentor and friend. I’ve known him about two years, and have been close friends for a year. I think an emotional affair started last October, and I broke up with my ex in March. We started a physical relationship last April. So that’s one month, and that month he was over at my house after work just hanging out with me about 3 times a week. I see a long future with him – I did even before our affair became physical. I love my job, I love the company I work for, and I love him. This scares me because I do not want to be a “mistress” my whole life.

 

We have talked about my job if we do not work out as a couple. To be honest, I have done a lot for his company and personal finances, and he needs me at his company. We decided that if we didn't work out together, I would move back home to Southern California and work from there (I can do my job from anywhere, really – I just choose to go to the same office as him). I know that he would not leave me jobless – if anything he would be very generous to make up for the fact that we didn’t work out. I told him that his wife might make him fire me if she found out, and he said that he would tell her me being employed by him is non-negotiable. He has also mentioned that I could sue him and ruin his business if I wanted – something I wouldn’t do. Regardless, we are at each other’s’ mercy. His financial security depends on me, as well (although I’m more dependent on him).

 

I think getting involved with a coworker (or boss) (or married man) is a very bad idea. Especially now that I’ve tried it myself. I guess I knew that from the beginning, too though. And I did it anyway. I think because I already cared so deeply for him. He has done a lot for me; he has helped build my character. He is my role model and who I turn to for advice. We used to get accused of having an affair back when we just hung out a lot, and it was so nice to be able to take the high road and say “I would never do that! That is disgusting; I can’t believe you’d think I’d be so low!” Now…I did do that. At first, I could have stayed away from him if I had decided to be less reckless…now; I am deeply in love with him. I am infatuated with him. I want to be with him constantly. He is the same. We are disgustingly cute. He makes me feel safe and he makes me laugh and smile and just be happy to be alive. I want to tackle the world with him! I want to have babies with him. I thought I loved my ex…this is 10x the intensity of that relationship. Getting into this; I did not want this with him. I went into it knowing there would likely be pain at some point – I didn’t care because I was (and still am) so high off of his love.

 

This is what happened…he helped me get a new place when I left my boyfriend. He’d come over and smoke pot with me, under the pretense that he was worried that I’d be sad and lonely from the breakup (we are both heavy pot smokers – no drinking no other drugs). His wife was totally okay with him hanging out with me. He said he was molding me to be the face of his company and needed to give me pep talks, etc. He’d text her that he was out getting high with me. A few times, I was hanging out with the both of them and she’d say she was tired and going to bed, leaving us alone. At this point I was still trying to maintain a nonsexual, somewhat professional distance from him (and he was doing the same).

Eventually, we both broke. I thought I would feel a lot guiltier about it than I did! It was also supposed to be a one-time incident and then we were going to get back to our regular relationship roles (no physical intimacy). Why would I be so careless? Ugh!

Edited September 5, 2011 by Marie Callender

[whichwayisup]

You're going to be his mistress for a long time.

Your reputation at work (already is actually) isn't good as most think/know about the A. This IS going to cause problems at some point, get used to looks, office gossip.

You and him are playing a stupid and dangerous game, takinga advantage of his wifes trust in you both. You're making a fool of her, befriending her, pretending to be buddy's yet you're having an A behind her back with her husband.

 

To end a R and pop into another R so quickly is a mistake, let alone an affair. It's going to ruin who you are in the long run and you'll get hurt, as well as his wife when she finds out the truth.

 

Do they have children?

[jwi71]

Hi new friends,

My name is Marie. I am 25 years old. I am the "other woman". I am looking to sort out my thoughts, emotions, and reasons behind my actions. I've thought about getting counseling for advice, but I like the idea of getting multiple points of views from this site. I will appreciate your advice so much, as I feel I have no one to talk to - I am worried that my friends and family won't understand or I'll be judged. I'm also worried I won't like their advice and then frown upon my choices. I'm also young, so my friends don't have any sound advice to give me.

 

The very fact you have "no one" to talk to about this is a huge red flag no?

It should also be quite telling that you already presume that "everyone" will judge you poorly - and that's likely the case.

 

Combine the two and you get recipe for trauma.

 

Me and the married boss were friends, I never cheated on my boyfriend. But he listened to me rant about my relationship problems, and was my shoulder to cry on when I decided it was time to move on from my stale relationship and enjoy my youth (it was still a sad breakup for me). He helped me make that decision. He told me it was time. I also had thought about breaking up with him for awhile, 8 months or so, and believe I finally did something about it because I finally had the financial means to do so (I was a debt-ridden, unemployed college kid all of 1.5 years ago). I wonder: did love lead me to where I am right now, or was I manipulated and stolen by someone before I realized he liked me too? We had been accused of having an affair before we ever did.

 

Uh...who accused you of having the A?

This should be another HUGE red flag...others are picking up on those subtle signals AP's give off.

 

Did my MM destroy my future; or did he give me the strength to find something better for myself?

 

Maybe, maybe not.

If you end up pregnant and unemployed your near term future will seem destroyed. I wonder how your friends and family will react to that?

 

It could be his W finds out and we read about a double homicide and suicide in the papers.

 

Maybe he'll leave his W for you.

 

Who knows what the future will bring - but the MM is unlikely to bring long term happiness. Colloquially speaking, most OW regret the whole experience - or at least aspect of it.

 

Typically, the MM AND boss brings ALL kinds of hurt. Personally, I'd bow out.

 

It has been a hard breakup - but it made me stronger. I honestly can't imagine getting back with my ex now because I clearly see what I want now, and it is no longer him (as cold as that is).

 

OK, share with us. What do you want now?

 

So, if anyone would like to share their thoughts, I'd be thankful. I am going to slooowly go through each chapter of my situation so that it helps me in making a smart choice in my current relationship with my MM and boss. He is amazing. He is on vacation without me and I'm using this time away from him to do some serious soul searching.

Thanks again

 

A smart choice? Oh hell no.

 

If LS has taught me anything, its you'll end up ostracized, setback and horribly hurt in this. The "Marie Callendar is f_cking the boss rumor" is already in full swing I bet (depending on who accused you of course, even then these workplace A's aren't nearly as secret as you want to think).

 

Get used to second best. Get used to tying BOTH your financial well being AND your heart with him (you already KNOW he is a sneaky rat). Oh, your self-esteem is going to take a serious beating too.

 

My advice? Dump your boss and find a new job. It's the FASTEST way to extricate yourself from this mess.

[Marie Callender]

I accidentally posted this thread in the wrong spot and am reposting where it should go.

Edited September 5, 2011 by Marie Callender
posted in wrong location

[Marie Callender]

You're going to be his mistress for a long time.

Your reputation at work (already is actually) isn't good as most think/know about the A. This IS going to cause problems at some point, get used to looks, office gossip.

You and him are playing a stupid and dangerous game, takinga advantage of his wifes trust in you both. You're making a fool of her, befriending her, pretending to be buddy's yet you're having an A behind her back with her husband.

 

To end a R and pop into another R so quickly is a mistake, let alone an affair. It's going to ruin who you are in the long run and you'll get hurt, as well as his wife when she finds out the truth.

 

Do they have children?

I really hope I can be smart enough to avoid being his mistress for a long time. My reputation at work was already getting rumors attached to it before the affair, because he obviously favored me. But I am also smart and a good employee. So any time someone has brought up a promotion or an account I got, I have been able to argue that I deserve it. Nothing has been handed to me. I got my money and promotions before I slept with him. Our office is small…the owner (my married man) has responded to gossip by removing my office space from them and into my own office near him, and by removing their authority above me so that I no longer have to go through any of them or speak to them in order to get my job done. They might get jealous that he favors me, but I don’t care. We are a tight knit group and if they found out, they’d deal with it or they can take a hike and find a new job. There’s been tension at times but that has mostly passed since I really don’t work around them as much anymore. My office is tucked back behind his office, so I really just get to hang out with my love all day J

I do not mean to make a fool of his wife. I respect her and do not wish to hurt her or make a mockery out of her. I have met her three or four times is all, she does not know me well enough to trust me. I am doing nothing behind her back. He is the one doing it behind her back. Since the affair has escalated, I have stopped talking to her entirely (mostly because I feel incredibly awkward around her). I no longer go to their home; he comes to my place to hang out. She is actually important to me because she is important to my MM if that can possibly make sense. But I do not wish to continue getting to know her personally since getting involved with her husband.

 

I know I run the risk of getting hurt. I know I run the risk of hurting her. But ALL love has risk, not just affairs. To truly love, you must accept some risk. When I tell people about us, they bring up all the negatives…no one ever points out the good, the happiness, they just assume I am miserable and I am not. I’m 25 – my alternatives to him are hardly responsible outstanding men. They are drunk, young, horny, – I feel that I have much more of a potential to get hurt in that scene. This man is respectful to me, much more caring and responsible than any guy my age I know…he has seriously ruined a lot of guys chances of ever getting to date me, because I look at young partying kids my age and think, “thank God I’m not dating immature brats like that”. Why do you feel that a relationship with him will ruin who I am in the long run? My goal is to avoid the pitfall of being his mistress. I will either be with him, or be strong enough to leave him.

 

They do not have children (thankfully) – I like to think I would never hurt a family with children (of course, I never thought I’d date a MM). I suspect she is getting past her prime child bearing age, too (I think she is about 35?). He wants kids. They have been married for a year-and-a-half and together for 7 years. He was incarcerated for about 2 years of their relationship like 2006-2008 (I bring that up because that’s kind of a ‘long distance’ relationship in a sense).

 

I saw on another site about extramarital affairs that there is a 2% chance a married man will leave his wife for his girlfriend. I decided he was worth the gamble of getting hurt. I don't know if that statistic is true.

[jwi71]

At the same time…my boss is what I want. I knew him well as a mentor and friend. I’ve known him about two years, and have been close friends for a year.

 

You have NO IDEA who this man is. Promise. You are assuming you do based on stolen moments and seeing the facade of "perfection". It takes, years I would argue, to truly know someone. And NEITHER of you two have put in that kind of time. Right no its just "pretend real life". Its all the good stuff with NONE of the bad - the perpetual honeymoon phase that an A delivers.

 

Its not real. Please don't think it is.

 

I think an emotional affair started last October, and I broke up with my ex in March. We started a physical relationship last April. So that’s one month, and that month he was over at my house after work just hanging out with me about 3 times a week. I see a long future with him – I did even before our affair became physical. I love my job, I love the company I work for, and I love him. This scares me because I do not want to be a “mistress” my whole life.

 

OK, you want him as your H. Have you told him this? Have both of you discussed when he will file for D? Have you told him you will not be his mistress your whole life? Since you know what you want...what is YOUR plan to getting it?

 

We have talked about my job if we do not work out as a couple. To be honest, I have done a lot for his company and personal finances, and he needs me at his company.

 

Nope. AT 25 you are NOT Ms. Indispensable. In today's economy, my bet is he can find 10 people who have worked your job for as long as you have been alive. I'm also willing to bet an unemployed one would accept your current salary. NEVER think a company cannot survive without you. That's a piece of advice that applies even if you are not in an A with your boss - and valid throughout your whole career.

 

We decided that if we didn't work out together, I would move back home to Southern California and work from there (I can do my job from anywhere, really – I just choose to go to the same office as him). I know that he would not leave me jobless – if anything he would be very generous to make up for the fact that we didn’t work out.

 

Again, don't THINK you know what he will or will not do. If its in his or his business's best interest to fire you - you're fired. Virtually every OW thinks they know only to get blindsided.

 

I told him that his wife might make him fire me if she found out, and he said that he would tell her me being employed by him is non-negotiable.

 

LOL. Your right it would be non-negotiable - for HIS W. And you'd better believe your butt would be fired so fast your head would spin. Except it wouldn't be fired, you'd be let go - and maybe with a nice bribe, I mean severance, to keep your mouth shut.

 

I'm positive you are going to hear the same piece of advice from many OW here...don't think you know because you truly have no idea.

 

He has also mentioned that I could sue him and ruin his business if I wanted – something I wouldn’t do

 

Maybe, maybe not. Only a labor lawyer can tell you how the merits of your case stack up. Presuming of course you can hire one. And if it comes to that, exactly what do you say during an interview about WHY you left this job?

 

Regardless, we are at each other’s’ mercy. His financial security depends on me, as well (although I’m more dependent on him).

 

Sigh. He HAS all the power here. Over you, your heart and your pocket book. Tell me, if he fires you tomorrow, can you drop a 10-20k cash retainer for a lawsuit? And I have been involved in SEVERAL lawsuits...and that's what I gotta pay upfront - and that's just the beginning of your cash outlays. Of course, your mileage on retainers may vary - but not likely. Point is, he has MORE money than you...and he has the most money wins - especially in this type of case. WE have some lawyers here so they might be able to chime in better, I'm speaking from my experience with the leaches, er lawyers.

 

I think getting involved with a coworker (or boss) (or married man) is a very bad idea. Especially now that I’ve tried it myself. I guess I knew that from the beginning, too though. And I did it anyway. I think because I already cared so deeply for him. He has done a lot for me; he has helped build my character. He is my role model and who I turn to for advice. We used to get accused of having an affair back when we just hung out a lot, and it was so nice to be able to take the high road and say “I would never do that! That is disgusting; I can’t believe you’d think I’d be so low!” Now…I did do that. At first, I could have stayed away from him if I had decided to be less reckless…now; I am deeply in love with him. I am infatuated with him. I want to be with him constantly. He is the same. We are disgustingly cute. He makes me feel safe and he makes me laugh and smile and just be happy to be alive. I want to tackle the world with him! I want to have babies with him. I thought I loved my ex…this is 10x the intensity of that relationship. Getting into this; I did not want this with him. I went into it knowing there would likely be pain at some point – I didn’t care because I was (and still am) so high off of his love.

 

This is what happened…he helped me get a new place when I left my boyfriend. He’d come over and smoke pot with me, under the pretense that he was worried that I’d be sad and lonely from the breakup (we are both heavy pot smokers – no drinking no other drugs). His wife was totally okay with him hanging out with me. He said he was molding me to be the face of his company and needed to give me pep talks, etc. He’d text her that he was out getting high with me. A few times, I was hanging out with the both of them and she’d say she was tired and going to bed, leaving us alone. At this point I was still trying to maintain a nonsexual, somewhat professional distance from him (and he was doing the same).

Eventually, we both broke. I thought I would feel a lot guiltier about it than I did! It was also supposed to be a one-time incident and then we were going to get back to our regular relationship roles (no physical intimacy). Why would I be so careless? Ugh!

 

You know, it sounds to me that he took advantage of you. You turned to him in your time of need and he took full advantage of your naivete and vulnerability. He further bonds you with money, praise and position in the company. And trust me, you are bonded to him, he is NOT bonded to you,

 

Yes, I know...you're special.

 

You're not. They all say that.

 

Here's how you find out...tell him you are going to tell his W of your love and that you are going to be together. Carefully watch his face. There's your answer.

 

Run. Don't walk. You can't of course...he's your boss who pays your salary in a horrible economy. The ties that bind are truly tied by you.

 

Good luck.

[Marie Callender]

The very fact you have "no one" to talk to about this is a huge red flag no?

It should also be quite telling that you already presume that "everyone" will judge you poorly - and that's likely the case.

 

Combine the two and you get recipe for trauma.

 

***My response: I think you are correct that it is a red flag - I already know what they will think and say.

 

Uh...who accused you of having the A?

This should be another HUGE red flag...others are picking up on those subtle signals AP's give off.

 

***My response: several coworkers, and a mutual friend of ours. I told my then-bf about it and he laughed it off as nonsense. His body language gives a lot away, and he says mine does too!

 

Maybe, maybe not.

If you end up pregnant and unemployed your near term future will seem destroyed. I wonder how your friends and family will react to that?

 

***My response: any relationship can go sour if the other person wants to take advantage of the other.

 

It could be his W finds out and we read about a double homicide and suicide in the papers.

 

***My response: She is actually very level headed...she would be so sad though.

 

Maybe he'll leave his W for you.

 

***My response: For once, someone shows me a positive ending! Thanks!

Who knows what the future will bring - but the MM is unlikely to bring long term happiness. Colloquially speaking, most OW regret the whole experience - or at least aspect of it.

***My response: you are probably right here

 

Typically, the MM AND boss brings ALL kinds of hurt. Personally, I'd bow out.

 

***My response: I think I'm too much in love to bow out - if he doesn't leave her, I will bow out though. I'll force myself to. I look forward to chronicling this with you guys and letting you know what pans out.

 

OK, share with us. What do you want now?

 

A smart choice? Oh hell no.

 

If LS has taught me anything, its you'll end up ostracized, setback and horribly hurt in this. The "Marie Callendar is f_cking the boss rumor" is already in full swing I bet (depending on who accused you of course, even then these workplace A's aren't nearly as secret as you want to think).

 

***My response: Oh the rumor is 100% in full swing. I don't really care. If I spent my life caring more about what others think than my own happiness, I'd be miserable.

 

Get used to second best. Get used to tying BOTH your financial well being AND your heart with him (you already KNOW he is a sneaky rat). Oh, your self-esteem is going to take a serious beating too.

 

***I refuse to be second best much longer. He is not a sneaky rat. He is conflicted, and human. He already has my heart and my finances lol - but his finances depend on me, too. I not a gambler but I am a risk-taker financially...I take lots of risks with my job and I have gotten ahead because I am willing to take those risks. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I think this is a similar risk.

 

My advice? Dump your boss and find a new job. It's the FASTEST way to extricate yourself from this mess.

 

And then what will I be left with? Easier said than done. I love my job and I love my life. Why throw all of that away? I would rather suffer through the mess and keep my life as it is. I don't feel that this is a mess. I feel lucky.

[Marie Callender]

You have NO IDEA who this man is. Promise. You are assuming you do based on stolen moments and seeing the facade of "perfection". It takes, years I would argue, to truly know someone. And NEITHER of you two have put in that kind of time. Right no its just "pretend real life". Its all the good stuff with NONE of the bad - the perpetual honeymoon phase that an A delivers.

 

Its not real. Please don't think it is.

 

***I by know means know him as much as I will, correct. But I do understand him well. When you work with someone, you get to know them very well. I have seen his good and his bad; it is not all perfect. A lot of it is hard. But a lot is good and happy and loving, too.

 

OK, you want him as your H. Have you told him this? Have both of you discussed when he will file for D? Have you told him you will not be his mistress your whole life? Since you know what you want...what is YOUR plan to getting it?

 

***I don't care about marriage/husband. But I do want his full attention and a committed relationship and I have told him this. He said his intentions would be to get married and have children, but we would work toward this, not rush into it. He has asked me to give him until December to end his marriage. We were supposed to end our physical relationship until then, as well...we were like drug addicts, we'd quit for two weeks and then slip up. It was painful to go on/off, and we weren't doing "off" successfully, so we've reverted back to "on" and continuing our physical relationship.

 

Nope. AT 25 you are NOT Ms. Indispensable. In today's economy, my bet is he can find 10 people who have worked your job for as long as you have been alive. I'm also willing to bet an unemployed one would accept your current salary. NEVER think a company cannot survive without you. That's a piece of advice that applies even if you are not in an A with your boss - and valid throughout your whole career.

 

***He could replace me, but he would lose a lot of money short-term. I also know his secrets and could publicly ruin him / sue the crap out of him if I ever wanted to and he knows this. I think that I am unusually lucky to have the job security that I do at my age. He has told me I am un-fire-able, the only way I am leaving the company is if I choose to quit.

 

Again, don't THINK you know what he will or will not do. If its in his or his business's best interest to fire you - you're fired. Virtually every OW thinks they know only to get blindsided.

 

***Thank you for that point. There are never any guarantees. But I would be truly shocked if that happened. I've never seen him fire anyone without a huge severance, even if it wasn't deserved. I think my severance would be far more exaggerated lol. He makes good money. I think he will end up paying off his current wife. He just paid off her student loans and said he'd give her the house, 1 car...he is not greedy and has wealth to share.

 

LOL. Your right it would be non-negotiable - for HIS W. And you'd better believe your butt would be fired so fast your head would spin. Except it wouldn't be fired, you'd be let go - and maybe with a nice bribe, I mean severance, to keep your mouth shut.

 

***No...he has the control in the relationship. She'd learn to live with it. However, she won't be put in that spot because I won't allow him to continue with both of us for much longer.

 

I'm positive you are going to hear the same piece of advice from many OW here...don't think you know because you truly have no idea.

 

***I do not know...I have never been in any situation like this in my life!

 

Maybe, maybe not. Only a labor lawyer can tell you how the merits of your case stack up. Presuming of course you can hire one. And if it comes to that, exactly what do you say during an interview about WHY you left this job?

 

***A risk I am willing to take

 

Sigh. He HAS all the power here. Over you, your heart and your pocket book. Tell me, if he fires you tomorrow, can you drop a 10-20k cash retainer for a lawsuit? And I have been involved in SEVERAL lawsuits...and that's what I gotta pay upfront - and that's just the beginning of your cash outlays. Of course, your mileage on retainers may vary - but not likely. Point is, he has MORE money than you...and he has the most money wins - especially in this type of case. WE have some lawyers here so they might be able to chime in better, I'm speaking from my experience with the leaches, er lawyers.

 

You are right. he has about eightfold the money I have. Oh, he is also a former attorney...Okay, good point. I trust him still.

 

 

You know, it sounds to me that he took advantage of you. You turned to him in your time of need and he took full advantage of your naivete and vulnerability. He further bonds you with money, praise and position in the company. And trust me, you are bonded to him, he is NOT bonded to you,

 

***I don't think he has ever intended to do anything hurtful toward me. He is very caring. He is smart and could play all sorts of psychological games with me, but he doesn't. He makes me feel happy and good. I don't think he is faking his feeling just to get sex.

 

Yes, I know...you're special.

 

You're not. They all say that.

 

Here's how you find out...tell him you are going to tell his W of your love and that you are going to be together. Carefully watch his face. There's your answer.

 

***He would only be sad that I did not let him tell her. He seems to think their marriage can end with little drama and quite peacefully if he approaches the situation correctly. He is supposed to be telling her soon, as in this week.

 

Run. Don't walk. You can't of course...he's your boss who pays your salary in a horrible economy. The ties that bind are truly tied by you.

 

***I've walked away from higher-paying jobs before because I was unhappy. I would survive it. I just enjoy my job and would be very sad to leave it.

 

Good luck.

 

***Thank you very much! It is nice to hear that someone wishes me good luck.

[Marie Callender]

Hey jwi71 You know...I sound like I am defending everything I say here and saying your points aren't valid...but you brought up some good points about how I feel. I do sometimes feel like he trapped me into this. It would be so, so hard to walk away because he has been so generous and because of the job. I could do it, but it would be as painful as setting my own house on fire!

[wannabdone]

Oh goodness.... I don't even know where to start.

 

I've tried to read through your thread. But its in the middle of the night, and with a little ADHD, I have trouble sitting still long enough to read and retain everything. So, If i'm missing something, let me know.

 

I guess my first question is, you said you came on here for advise and soul searching. But, it kind of seems like from your post that you have it all worked out in your head. You don't want your ex, you love this man, your on top of the world with your job, etc. So what was the soul searching and advise that you were searcching for? I want to know so I can try to shed some advise or do what I can to help.

 

I know you probably feel like everyone is coming at you, and don't understand what your relationship is, but just remember, MOST of the ppl, (not all, and you will definitely be able to spot those) really are trying to give you their advise..... as they have been in the position you are. I've been sitting in your spot before and thought....wtf??? why are they all coming at me??? They really aren't, I promise.

 

So, just some things I saw, (and I haven't figured out how to quote multiple times, so sorry ).....

 

And don't think I'm being hateful, because that's not what i'm doing, I am coming from someone who has been in your position. I'm just going to bring up some things I see, and I hope they help you think "outside the box", Okay?

 

You had said:

I also think some time feeling single after such a long relationship is healthy. I am learning to be alone and even what I like and don’t like. I can only be ready for the next relationship if I am whole myself.

~~~ Girl, the statement some time feeling single?? What is feeling single? Just living alone? You aren't learning to be alone, you aren't alone. You and your ex broke up and you said you had already started your EA with the MM. You didn't give yourself a second to be alone. And there is no possible way you can figure out what you like and don't like when you are crazy in love with someone. You are concentrating on liking and loving everything about them. You went directly from HS to college, where you were in a 5 year relationship, and then when that broke off, you had already started another relationship before that was even over. I'm very worried that you have not had any time alone at all.

 

 

With this statement:

I am not sure if it was because we got out of "college life" and grew separate ways, or if I grew bored with him, or if I turned stuck up and rich, or if he got lazy in our relationship, or if I started an emotional affair with my 40 year old mentor and boss - the owner of the company I work for. I still don't know this answer. Part 1 of me trying to find answers for myself is trying to figure out WHY I chose to end a not-the-most-exciting, but not butterflies-in-my-belly relationship with someone who I loved.

~~~ I think its natural to grow up and grow apart. What we want at 20 is far different than what we want at 25, just as what we want at 25 is far different than what we want at 30. Its a part of life. I think as you get older you will realize you didn't "love" your bf in college, again just what you thought was "the one" at one age, isn't what you think is "the one" at another age. Make sense? I do think that it helped you make your decision that you had already started an EA. Whether it was you were hoping to be with him, whether it was you saw in him the kind of man you wanted someday, or whether it was the MM kind of spinning things to get you in a position that he wanted (which was single)....or possibly, which is what i'm reading from this....it was all of these things combined, created the "perfect storm" for you to exit your relationship.

 

I have to agree with everyone that having an A with someone you work with and especially the owner/boss is not wise. But what's done is done, and can't change what is already done.

But, as much as you love him and he loves you, if things go south, they will turn ugly. And as much as he says he would never fire you, etc. He really can't say what he would do if he was faced with his W knowing. Thats when things get UGLY and ugly really quick. These knight in shining armours a lot of times (more times than not) become anything other, they become very cowardly. There is a lot to be said for a woman (W) who owns half or more of the MM assest. Men tend to change their minds very quickly when faced with losing everything. The tune can quickly change and you can become very disposable. I know, because i have been there.

 

I know you said your reputation was already being under fire before the affair. I think if you will look back at it, (as I did), your EA probably started way before you think. When ppl are single, and they meet someone of the opposite sex, they become friends a lot of times, share stories depend on each other for advise, whether it be work, relationships, etc. This is really how most ppl that are older start relationships, something your MM probably see's, and probably something you didn't or don't, being that your dating was at such a young age. I'm guessing since your last boyfriend was for 5 years, you hadn't really been in the dating scene since you were in your teens. There is a huge difference. I did the same thing. I didn't see that this was just a part of us courting.

 

I agree with you, you didn't make a promise to God to her, he did. And he is breaking it, not you. You really don't owe her anything, he does. I felt the same way about my MM W, I always said I respected her, but who are we fooling here.... not really. Right??? I mean we don't want to hurt anyone, but going as far as saying we respect them, is a bit of a stretch.

 

So, here are my questions for you. And again, not to bombared you.... just to get a understanding. Which I am pretty sure I know the answers to already, as I have been where you are. But, have you guys talked about him leaving? And how long exactly have you been physical? How often do you see eachother? Are you seeing anyone else or at least going out with your friends? Do you see yourself as being able to always be the OW? What is it exactly that you love about him? What is it that he says he loves about you? (those are all I can think of right now.... might have more later)

 

Just to give you my back ground, I was in my twenties when I met the love of my life. I had never felt the way I did with him. He fit together in every way, it was like a gift from God. I had no doubt that he would not leave his wife. Those other stories were not going to be us. NEVER. Those others didn't have a love like ours. If they did, they would be together. Well, my twenties came and went, my thirties came and went....and I am still here. Not with him. Devasted for time lost and wasted. I too was very successful, the love of his life....I was also easily discarded when his W found out. This woman he had no love for all of sudden became the one he is with. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN????? I became the statistic.

 

I hope your story isn't this one. Although, it is stacked agaisnt you. But I am always hopeful for anyone to have the love of their life. I too knew that this would be hard and require a lot of work to get through, and love was worth it..... but that very thought is what kept me here so many years. I just don't want to see anyone go through that.

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

[SidLyon]

... but I'll try.

 

1. What does incarcerated mean? I'm not in the USA but where I come from it means in prison for a crime. If it means the same there, what did he do? Be very careful if it was any sort of drugs, assault, fraud or sexual offence.

 

2. Who owns the business? Is there any chance his wife owns or has an interest in the business you work for? Even if she's not an obvious owner she still may have interests either because she is married to him or because she or her family provided funding.

 

3. If she has any interest in the business, she may also have a say in hiring and firing, so the non-negotiable comment he made to you about your continued employment, might be utterly meaningless.

 

4. On this point, what is going to happen if his wife finds out about you two? If he has no intention of leaving her and wants to remain married then nearly every BW insists on NC with the OW as a condition of staying married. If he (or she) has the power to hire and fire, then you will almost certainly lose your job, if he wants to stay with his wife. If he's planning on leaving her if she finds out then you don't have to worry, but in that case what is stopping him leaving now?

 

5. If his wife finds out then irrespective of whether he leaves her, you will almost certainly be exposed, and not favourably. If getting further employment hinges on good reports from him then you can say goodbye to your professional reputation.

 

Just so you know I'm a BW who found out about my H's affair with an OW when he was her boss. D-day was nearly 3 years ago now but the affair had started 7 years before that. Once d-day occurred the OW was dropped by him, exposed by me and has lost her job recently. My H cannot give her a referral without losing his marriage.

[SoMovinOn]

Wow Marie! You surprise me with the things you see, but don't see. It seems often in your story, you point out a negative, then explain it as a positive. The deal with other employees thinking you're getting ahead because of your relationship with the boss - and his answer is to move you to a private office nearer to his, and cut off any and all work relationships with your co-workers.

 

Maybe it was time to end things with your boyfriend. That's a separate issue. Relationships end. No big deal there. If it meant that much to you, you wouldn't have ended it - so, that seems fine.

 

But this thing with your boss is bad and will likely only get worse. You already see a lot of the bad - you just aren't seeing that it's bad.

 

The most likely scenario is you will lose your job and your lover at once - suddenly, and you'll be left standing outside the door with a deer in the headlights look on your face.

 

It doesn't matter that he's married (although that might bring a whole bunch of other problems) - the rule is, never get your honey where you get your money.

 

As for him being married - it sounds like a lot of people know about all this. You should expect his wife already knows or will know soon. Doesn't sound like either of you have figured out how to be discrete.

 

Him having been in prison for a couple of years is interesting. Two years probably means he was sentenced to four or five, so... it wasn't likely a serious crime - more likely something white collar. Then again, I know someone who only did 18 months for killing someone, so...

 

Not that having a criminal history automatically makes someone a bad person - people screw up, but... it's certainly something you want to be aware of and take into consideration.

Edited September 5, 2011 by SoMovinOn

[RainDown]

I really don't see as much gloom and doom here as some of the others who have responded. There are no children involved, and if a couple of adults make decisions that screw up their lives - well, live and learn. Marie and MM could live happily ever after for all we know. BW may or may not be heartbroken about that scenario (and she's not here to tell us); but if she is, broken hearts do mend eventually. As long as Marie doesn't get pregnant the worst that's likely going to happen to her is a broken heart, ruined professional reputation, and unemployment. It'll take some time, but all that is fixable. MM will likely lose a good employee and some money over the deal (paying off either Marie or his BW, or possibly both), but he can make more money and good employees are a dime a dozen.

 

Marie seems to have weighed the risks and benefits of the situation and has decided the risk is worth it. Others would weigh the same risks and benefits and perhaps come to a different decision.

 

One of the blind spots I see in your thinking, Marie, is that you appear to think you can end this relationship at some designated time if MM does not leave his wife - AND keep your job. That's not going to work, sweetheart. It's one thing to work with an ex after a relationship has mutually run its course; it's another thing entirely to go to work every day and deal with an ex you are still in love with, and whom is still in love with you, yet chooses to go home to his wife every night nonetheless; or worse, finds another "protegee" to "mentor" while you stand on the sidelines watching him with your replacement. That is not going to work and you will have to leave that job to maintain your sanity. I know you can work from a different location, but he's still the owner of the company and your boss and you won't be able to truly get over him as long as there is contact (even business contact).

 

One last thing - you think that he would "never" fire you and that you would "never" sue him. Everyone thinks that when they are head over heels in love with someone and everything is great. Most people never dream their lover or spouse could do viscious damage to them during a break-up or divorce, until they do indeed do it. We see that played out every single day by couples who were soulmates and best friends and took vows in front of the world. They never dreamt either that such nastiness could come from the love of their life. I certainly hope your situation does not come to that, but there really is no reason your situation is any different or special that makes that scenario impossible.

 

I hope you come out of all this relatively unscathed, but the odds of that are not great.

 

Good luck to you.

[Woman In Blue]

Me and the married boss were friends, I never cheated on my boyfriend. But he listened to me rant about my relationship problems, and was my shoulder to cry on when I decided it was time to move on from my stale relationship and enjoy my youth (it was still a sad breakup for me).

I think you're far too young to realize that THIS is how most middle-aged guys prey on young women - they play Dear Abby. Stop and think for a minute - what POSSIBLE enjoyment does a 40 year old married man get out of hearing some young woman cry and moan about all her relationship problems? None that I know of. If you think for ONE minute that his long-range goal was NOT to get into your pants, than you're even more naive than I thought.

 

I do need to ask, however - if you broke up with your longterm boyfriend to "enjoy your youth," then why the HELL are you throwing it away on a 40 year old married man? I don't get it.

 

He helped me make that decision.

LOL. Oh my. Now you don't suppose that advice he gave you about breaking up with your boyfriend wasn't a just a bit self-serving, so he'd be closer to getting into your knickers? I PROMISE you that when you're older and wiser, you're going to see how utterly naive you really were.

 

....or was I manipulated and stolen by someone before I realized he liked me too?

Ding ding ding!! We have a winner!! He may LIKE you, but this guy is page #7 right out of the mid-life crisis catalog. If you don't think he's not getting a huge ego boost out of the fact that he's got a little 25 year old looking at him with puppy dog eyes, you're be WRONG. If you also don't think he doesn't lust after a youngin' whose body hasn't been ravaged by childbirth, surgeries and age, you'd be wrong AGAIN.

 

Did my MM destroy my future; or did he give me the strength to find something better for myself?

PLEASE don't tell me you honestly think a lying, cheating 40-year old married man is finding BETTER for yourself? Please don't, or I'm going to self combust. Hey, your old boyfriend wasn't the right relationship - that's OK. You're only 25 years old - you still have a lot of time to find that one true relationship that will be the perfect fit for you. But please don't delude yourself into thinking this married letch is the 'right' thing for you. He's NOT. I promise you. He's a self-serving, selfish JERK whose getting off on having a young thing on the side while completely disrespecting his wife, his marriage, and his children. That's HARDLY "boyfriend" material, Marie.

 

He is amazing. He is on vacation without me and I'm using this time away from him to do some serious soul searching.

Thanks again

Come on! How "amazing" can he BE when he's living his REAL life while you're left behind to wait for him? What kind of life is THAT for a 25 year old???? Why would you box yourself in like this and let your life pass you right on by??? You're at an age where you can be doing wonderful, exciting things and instead you're sitting up on a shelf waiting for this selfish a*sshole to come back from his vacation with his REAL family and pull you down from the shelf to give you some attention. Jeez, you thought your old boyfriend was a dead end? You're going to find out what a dead end REALLY is.

[Woman In Blue]

I can no longer edit my post above, so please IGNORE any references to kids - I didn't see that he doesn't have kids til after I lost the ability to edit and read further into the thread.

 

 

They have been married for a year-and-a-half and together for 7 years. He was incarcerated for about 2 years of their relationship like 2006-2008 (I bring that up because that’s kind of a ‘long distance’ relationship in a sense).

Oh goodie - and he's a jailbird to BOOT?

 

I saw on another site about extramarital affairs that there is a 2% chance a married man will leave his wife for his girlfriend. I decided he was worth the gamble of getting hurt. I don't know if that statistic is true.

It will be most curious to see the bullsh*t excuse he gives you for not leaving his wife. Most of these guys play the "I can't leave my children" game and their OW gobble that crap right up. But your MM doesn't have that card to play, so it should be very interesting to see the excuse he coughs up for why he can't leave.

Edited September 5, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[wannabdone]

Wow Marie! You surprise me with the things you see, but don't see. It seems often in your story, you point out a negative, then explain it as a positive. The deal with other employees thinking you're getting ahead because of your relationship with the boss - and his answer is to move you to a private office nearer to his, and cut off any and all work relationships with your co-workers.

.

 

 

It doesn't shock me with what she see's vs. what she doesn't. I think it seems to me that she knows the "routine" of these relationships, but she loves this man and wants to be with him for the rest of her life.

 

Thats why I asked why she came here. What was it that she was needing, for she seems to have it all figured out, but not really. I think thats normal with people that are going through this. When I started my A, I probably would have done the same thing, I knew in the back of my head hearing the stories that "he never leaves", etc. But, really did think he would.

 

Seems like she is hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

 

I'm interested in seeing if he has spoke to her about leaving. She wants marriage with him, does he? If not I think its time for the talk and lay it all out and if the day comes and passes that he doesn't leave, she will have the answer.

 

I really do hope that it works out. There are some cases they do.

 

Marie, like i said, don't take it that your being bombared. I know it seems like that. But just know this is kind of like someone saying they are going to do drugs just every once in a while, but not get addicted. Would be great if they could, and there are probably some ppl who can, but that is not normally the case.

[jwi71]

I don't care about marriage/husband. But I do want his full attention and a committed relationship and I have told him this. He said his intentions would be to get married and have children, but we would work toward this, not rush into it.

 

Here's a fly in the ointment. You don't care about M and he is talking of M and kids. This is NOT the same page.

 

Why would he leave his W for you if you two do NOT have a shared goal?

 

He has asked me to give him until December to end his marriage.

 

LOL. Sorry, but he CAN'T leave in December...its the holiday's and he couldn't do that to her. Straight from the "How to string your OW along" guide. Here's some others you can look forward to:

 

January isn't much better...its too cold or something.

 

February is a no go as well...he can't possibly leave on Valentine's Day (and he's totally doing it just to keep his W in the dark).

 

March is busy work month...sorry.

 

April...nope. W is pregnant. Can't leave now (and she totally forced him to have sex and get pregnant).

 

And don't tell me you are going to set a deadline and stop. You tried and failed - most do. And given that you too work in suck close proximity...no getting away from seeing and talking to him either. I wouldn't count on a sympathetic ear from co-workers either. And we already know "you can't talk to anyone about it". It'll be a hell of your own creation.

 

And I should correct myself...you can and do talk to others. In your words, they only point out the negative and fail to see to see the positive. You know, they're right. A few good screaming orgasms is not worth the price you are paying - yes, you are beginning to pay it now - you just aren't realizing it.

 

We were supposed to end our physical relationship until then, as well...we were like drug addicts, we'd quit for two weeks and then slip up. It was painful to go on/off, and we weren't doing "off" successfully, so we've reverted back to "on" and continuing our physical relationship.

 

Foreshadowing of things to come. You can think you can turn it off like a light but you can't. Few people can. So any talk of deadlines is pure bullshyte.

 

I'd start a savings account. You're going to learn some hard lessons and you're going to NEED that money to live on - my prediction is you WILL lose your job over this.

 

All it takes is that haughty smug attitude shown here to your co-workers. All one of them has to do is whisper in the W's ear.

 

And do tell...I can't believe I missed it...but why was he jailed?

 

Again, run for the hills. You won't so the prudent thing is to start saving money and maybe even a passive job search.

[TurboGirl]

Marie,

 

as for the first bf, you were pretty young and sometimes college romances are not the "forever" romance because both of you grow & change. That would be normal.

 

All of this "friendship" with your MM and BOSS who is 15 years older than you. Not smart. I think you opened the door by confiding to him, and he just continued to groom you and work you, making you trust him and believe in him, becoming your "mentor" etc. ... and then started the physical affair. EA (IMHO) is precursor to a PA.

 

The MM is your BOSS. I'm sure everyone at your work knows by now that you are sleeping with him. What kind of a reference do you think you will receive when you leave there? The MM/BOSS... smoking pot together, huh? Again, not smart. Smoking pot is never a good idea today, because when/if you go to work for a large company you will be drug tested. Why are you messing with drugs? What a great leader your MM/BOSS is... having an affair with an employee and then smoking pot with that employee! WOW this guy is a great catch, don't you think? Wouldn't you be proud to be HIS wife?!?!?!?!

 

I do agree with some of the points jw made in this case. I think if you break it off with him, or if he tires of you (and that WILL happen) you will lose your job. I don't think he will leave his W for you. You are a plaything, a little cutie he found he likes to have sex with and party with. He is a 40 year old man, just beginning to feel like he is starting middle age... and hanging with you, a 25 year old woman, he feels young and cool.

 

All that intensity you talk about - Yes, it is like a drug. That adrenlin rush of stealing time away, something that is forbidden. It's called lust. If you were M to this guy and with him every day, day in/day out, at home, and had kids... it would not be so intense. The intensity will fade when you have to pick up his socks off of the bathroom floor and you get to see him when he is in a crabby mood. Even if you did end up with this guy, could you ever trust him at work???? Wouldn't you alwasy be wondering if he was sleeping with the next cute young female employee?

[whichwayisup]

I really hope I can be smart enough to avoid being his mistress for a long time. My reputation at work was already getting rumors attached to it before the affair, because he obviously favored me. But I am also smart and a good employee. So any time someone has brought up a promotion or an account I got, I have been able to argue that I deserve it. Nothing has been handed to me. I got my money and promotions before I slept with him. Our office is small…the owner (my married man) has responded to gossip by removing my office space from them and into my own office near him, and by removing their authority above me so that I no longer have to go through any of them or speak to them in order to get my job done. They might get jealous that he favors me, but I don’t care. We are a tight knit group and if they found out, they’d deal with it or they can take a hike and find a new job. There’s been tension at times but that has mostly passed since I really don’t work around them as much anymore. My office is tucked back behind his office, so I really just get to hang out with my love all day J

 

This IS a receipe for disaster. It's like you see things one way and everybody is seeing something else. If you believe your reputation at work isn't a big deal and you don't care what is said behind your back and also IN your field of work (people gossip and things get spread outside of the office) then keep doing what you're doing. Just know that NO ONE at work respects you, has your back, no one will go out of their way to help you either. YOU think all that hard work, money earned was because you worked for it, but nobody else will. Ever. Especially since he's protected you and kept you so close to him..

 

His wife will find out, sooner or later someone from that group will tell her. Then you'll have to face her and deal with her reaction.

 

I do not mean to make a fool of his wife. I respect her and do not wish to hurt her or make a mockery out of her. I have met her three or four times is all, she does not know me well enough to trust me. I am doing nothing behind her back. He is the one doing it behind her back. Since the affair has escalated, I have stopped talking to her entirely (mostly because I feel incredibly awkward around her). I no longer go to their home; he comes to my place to hang out. She is actually important to me because she is important to my MM if that can possibly make sense. But I do not wish to continue getting to know her personally since getting involved with her husband.

 

No, you don't respect her, at all. If you did, you wouldn't be banging her husband. You are HELPING him cheat behind her back, you've been in THEIR HOUSE, she trusts you, welcomed you into their home..Sorry, but you ARE a very willing partner in this affair, so don't put all this on him. Sure, he married her and is betraying her but do not make it seem like you're sweet and innocent with the best intentions..it's like the wolf in disguise!

 

And, you should feel weird around her, and I'm sure she figures something is "off" seeing as you have met her, she trusts you and now all of a sudden you want nothing to do with her.. If it were me, my spidy senses would be tingling, antenna up too.

 

I know I run the risk of getting hurt. I know I run the risk of hurting her. But ALL love has risk, not just affairs. To truly love, you must accept some risk. When I tell people about us, they bring up all the negatives…no one ever points out the good, the happiness, they just assume I am miserable and I am not. I’m 25 – my alternatives to him are hardly responsible outstanding men. They are drunk, young, horny, – I feel that I have much more of a potential to get hurt in that scene. This man is respectful to me, much more caring and responsible than any guy my age I know…he has seriously ruined a lot of guys chances of ever getting to date me, because I look at young partying kids my age and think, “thank God I’m not dating immature brats like that”. Why do you feel that a relationship with him will ruin who I am in the long run? My goal is to avoid the pitfall of being his mistress. I will either be with him, or be strong enough to leave him.

 

Sorry, but these are excuses to justify what you're doing. There are THOUSANDS of 25 year olds that don't fit that description you've said above..

 

You are his mistress, so either accept that role or walk away.

 

They do not have children (thankfully) – I like to think I would never hurt a family with children (of course, I never thought I’d date a MM). I suspect she is getting past her prime child bearing age, too (I think she is about 35?). He wants kids. They have been married for a year-and-a-half and together for 7 years. He was incarcerated for about 2 years of their relationship like 2006-2008 (I bring that up because that’s kind of a ‘long distance’ relationship in a sense).

 

4 of my friends started their family in their 30's, most can't afford kids before that, let alone have an established career and a house. Don't rule out the possibility of them having kids! What will you do if he tells you, "my wife is pregnant?" Never say never...

 

I saw on another site about extramarital affairs that there is a 2% chance a married man will leave his wife for his girlfriend. I decided he was worth the gamble of getting hurt. I don't know if that statistic is true.

 

Time will tell, won't it?

 

Atleast you're aware your heart more than likely IS going to be broken..

 

Just own your part in all this when it blows up. Don't put all the blame on him. You chose this path, personally and professionally, no one held a gun to your head.

[wannabdone]

Just a side note, Marie. Something I didn't notice in your thread, until someone else brought it up. Him being in jail, and you speaking to that and their relationship. Seems like maybe he told you this in order to show the reasoning for why he married his wife? He felt like she had stuck by him and he owed it to her??? I find a lot of times that they down play who they married, and why. They were young, or they helped them through a hard time. Is that kind of how he played it out to you?

[MissBee]

An interesting aspect of Marie's situation, that I find troubling, is the mentee/mentor type dynamic I see here. It comes off as though Marie looks up to this man as one who is so "generous" and took her under his wing and gave her all these opportunities, and she is indebted to him for that. In my mind's eye, I see a doe-eyed girl looking up at her older tutor with awe-filled eyes and is carried off in fantasy about how great he is and how she would love to be his wife and thinking he feels the same. That's how it comes off.

 

It doesn't seem like a balanced relationship. One can admire one's lover and partner and of course should hold them in high regard and respect them, but it looks very different from a hierarchical type of situation where one seems to be on a pedestal and is being looked upon with glowing eyes by the other. Which is how this situation seems. In any relationship where one feels indebted to the other, is in so much awe of the other etc. it usually doesn't turn out well, as I think good relationships have to be formed on equal footing. Hence, celebrities don't often date their fans, as that type of awe and lovestruck scenario creates an odd imbalance.

 

Marie...you came here with questions that speak to you feeling something is awry. If you feel this man has manipulated you, I am not sure how you reconcile those thoughts and feelings with also wanting to be his wife . The fact that you even want to be his wife at this stage is a bit strange too. You also just came out of a relationship and the entire thing of your boss, this older, accomplished, probably charming guy, being a shoulder to cry on and "helping you" in terms of helping you find a place to live, giving you a job and so forth seems to be the proper breeding ground for you to "fall inlove" with him. Had it been a different situation, maybe it wouldn't have been like that. All I'm saying is to trust yourself and if you feel something is off...don't brush it off. Him being married is one thing, but there are other things that are red flags in this situation. Also, be careful of your extreme feelings being one-sided and don't underestimate his cunning.

[MissBee]

It doesn't shock me with what she see's vs. what she doesn't. I think it seems to me that she knows the "routine" of these relationships, but she loves this man and wants to be with him for the rest of her life.

 

Thats why I asked why she came here. What was it that she was needing, for she seems to have it all figured out, but not really. I think thats normal with people that are going through this. When I started my A, I probably would have done the same thing, I knew in the back of my head hearing the stories that "he never leaves", etc. But, really did think he would.

 

Seems like she is hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

 

I'm interested in seeing if he has spoke to her about leaving. She wants marriage with him, does he? If not I think its time for the talk and lay it all out and if the day comes and passes that he doesn't leave, she will have the answer.

 

I really do hope that it works out. There are some cases they do.

 

Marie, like i said, don't take it that your being bombared. I know it seems like that. But just know this is kind of like someone saying they are going to do drugs just every once in a while, but not get addicted. Would be great if they could, and there are probably some ppl who can, but that is not normally the case .

 

Great analogy!

[Lucky_One]

Life is one big party when you're still young

But whos gonna have your back when its all done

Its all good when youre little, you have pure fun

Cant be a fool, son, what about the long run

Looking back shorty always mention

Said me not giving her much attention

She was there through my incarceration

I want to show the nation my appreciation

 

Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling

Angel

Closer than my peeps you are to me, baby

Shorty, you're my angel, you're my darling

Angel

Girl, you're my friend when I'm in need, lady

 

 

Marie, if you were my daughter, I'd shake the snot out of you and jerk your a$$ back home to live, and then go beat the sh^t out of your MM.

 

He USED to be an attorney? USED to be? So he is disbarred? And he spent 2 years incarcerated?

 

So he did illegal activities, which always always involve cheating and lying.

 

And this is ok with you, why?