Allow me to introduce myself (cuz you're gonna get to know me!)

[wannabdone]

 

Marie, if you were my daughter, I'd shake the snot out of you and jerk your a$$ back home to live, and then go beat the sh^t out of your MM.

 

He USED to be an attorney? USED to be? So he is disbarred? And he spent 2 years incarcerated?

 

So he did illegal activities, which always always involve cheating and lying.

 

And this is ok with you, why?

 

VERY GOOD POINT!!! What was his troubles over???

Also, is this his first affair? I am sure he has said yes, but have you heard from any one else, other??

 

One other thing, and i'm sorry I keep posting, but things keep coming to me. Remember that in an A, its not like typical dating. Have you ever watched the Bachelor? You have all these women in this beautiful house, fighting over one man. They go on these wonderful dates and its all just about romance. That is the absurb show in the world. There is no realness there, because life isn't about just honeymoon stage. A's are very similiar to that, you get for a long time all the good. Just the honeymoon, you eat, wine and dine, go on trips, you don't have to deal with all the of everyday bull**** of him and what he does. And naturally with humans you put more than one person fighting over someone, you have the compeitive drive come out. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO REALLY SEE WHAT THEY ARE AND IF YOU ACTUALLY DO LOVE THEM WITH ALL OF THESE THINGS SET UP THIS WAY.

 

Bottom line, if he loves you, (and I think i've said this before, but I am going to repeat), HE will bring up leaving, HE will leave and he will be with you plain and simple. Just please do not listen to his words, we all can say anything we think ppl want to hear, ONLY GO OFF HIS ACTIONS.

 

I always say.... ppls actions are what seperates them from whether they do or don't love you. Don't get caught up in the words. Just like at work, if you were trying to close a big deal, and the CFO of a company you were selling too kept telling you that he was going to purchase from you and issue a PO. Of course at first you would take his word for it. But after time, when he didn't come through, and he wouldn't call you back when he said, or blow you off, you would know he was full of it and really just stringing you along, for he had no intentions of actually purchasing. His words meant nothing. I personally have had this happen a lot in my business. The CFO's actions were not backing up his words, and I could only go on his actions. Just if you can, keep your business head on with this guy. ONLY listen to his actions, not those sweet and wonderful words.

[SoMovinOn]

I really don't see as much gloom and doom here as some of the others who have responded. ...

 

...the worst that's likely going to happen to her is a broken heart, ruined professional reputation, and unemployment.

 

... MM will likely lose a good employee and some money over the deal (paying off either Marie or his BW, or possibly both), but he can make more money and good employees are a dime a dozen....

 

...I hope you come out of all this relatively unscathed, but the odds of that are not great....

 

 

Sesame Street used to have a game where kids had to select the one thing that did not belong in the group - somehow it didn't match all the other things.

 

In this case, I vote for the first statement. It seems you see the same gloom and doom as everyone else.

[spice4life]

I was raised in Southern California, and left home to go to college. While in college, I met my first long-term boyfriend, who I was with for 5 years. We had a very healthy and happy relationship. I was in love with him. I thought he was "the one". I stayed in our college town after graduation to be with him, and started my career in WA.

In this economy, I was lucky to land a low-paying job with a small start-up company. The business suddenly did very well financially, and we all (quickly) started making a lot of money. As work became my life, my boyfriend and I grew apart. I am not sure if it was because we got out of "college life" and grew separate ways, or if I grew bored with him, or if I turned stuck up and rich, or if he got lazy in our relationship, or if I started an emotional affair with my 40 year old mentor and boss - the owner of the company I work for. I still don't know this answer. Part 1 of me trying to find answers for myself is trying to figure out WHY I chose to end a not-the-most-exciting, but not butterflies-in-my-belly relationship with someone who I loved. Surely any relationship gets stale after a few years? I often feel guilty for breaking his heart, because he was a good guy who treated me well. He cared about me. Had our relationship run its course, or did my current married boyfriend (the 40 year old boss) drive a wedge between us?

Me and the married boss were friends, I never cheated on my boyfriend. But he listened to me rant about my relationship problems, and was my shoulder to cry on when I decided it was time to move on from my stale relationship and enjoy my youth (it was still a sad breakup for me). He helped me make that decision. He told me it was time. I also had thought about breaking up with him for awhile, 8 months or so, and believe I finally did something about it because I finally had the financial means to do so (I was a debt-ridden, unemployed college kid all of 1.5 years ago). I wonder: did love lead me to where I am right now, or was I manipulated and stolen by someone before I realized he liked me too? We had been accused of having an affair before we ever did.

Did my MM destroy my future; or did he give me the strength to find something better for myself? It has been a hard breakup - but it made me stronger. I honestly can't imagine getting back with my ex now because I clearly see what I want now, and it is no longer him (as cold as that is).

So, if anyone would like to share their thoughts, I'd be thankful. I am going to slooowly go through each chapter of my situation so that it helps me in making a smart choice in my current relationship with my MM and boss. He is amazing. He is on vacation without me and I'm using this time away from him to do some serious soul searching.

Thanks again

 

Sounds like you have allowed yourself to get into a VERY precarious position. First off, do not believe a word this man is telling you, take it all with a grain of salt. He is a MM who is deceiving the woman he shares his life with. Don't rely on his words as if they are an insurance policy against you getting "thrown under the bus". You will not know the true answer to that question until his wife finds out. So don't delude yourself.

 

Secondly, you are questioning whether or not you have made the right choices. The only person who can answer that question is you. By questioning, you are seeking validation from the outside when the only place you should be looking is within to find the answers. What is your ultimate goal? What is your trues vision of happiness? Take this MM out of the equation when you answer these questions.

 

Another good question is, are you willing to walk through the valley of fire to obtain the happiness you seek? Meaning, can you stand on your own, without any emotional attachments and have faith enough in yourself that you will find and have what you are ultimately looking for? Do you really need this guy or some other guy in your life for that to happen?

 

I answered those questions myself recently and realized i'm perfectly happy being on my own right now without any romantic emotional attachments. I realized I didn't need them to be happy. I have to be happy with me first and then the right person will walk into my life, probably when I least expect it, and I will know it's right. Now that I know that, I am not willing to settle for being someone's fun on the side. That would mean I'm settling for less than I want and that I won't do...not anymore.

 

Again, the only person who can answer these questions are you. Personally, when I end a relationship, I don't question it because I already did the work and know it was the right choice. I don't have one single regret and I'm happy and at peace with the decision.

 

Regarding your MM, well, all I can say is to take whatever he says with a grain of salt. Words are easy to say, but once things blow up, all bets are off. He is married and he has assets with this woman. Do you honesty believe he will choose you over that? Plus, I have to honestly say that it does appear like this guy mentored you into a situation that benefits him. YOU allowed that to happen though. Now you should be trying to figured out why you did. It's time for you to mentally remove all outside influences, mentally take them out of the equation and do some self reflection to find the answers.

Again, The ONLY person who can answer that question is you.

[SoMovinOn]

So he did illegal activities, which always always involve cheating and lying.

 

Lots of illegal activities require neither.

-Murder

-Assault

-Rape

-Animal Cruelty

-Drug possession

-Drug dealing

-Auto theft

 

... to name a few.

[MissBee]

Lots of illegal activities require neither.

-Murder

-Assault

-Rape

-Animal Cruelty

-Drug possession

-Drug dealing

-Auto theft

 

... to name a few.

 

 

Well...they may not require lying and cheating, but I'm afraid what they require is no better and arguably a lot worst. Soooo either way, it's not pretty.

[RainDown]

Sesame Street used to have a game where kids had to select the one thing that did not belong in the group - somehow it didn't match all the other things.

 

In this case, I vote for the first statement. It seems you see the same gloom and doom as everyone else.

 

I see gloom and doom for children dragged through muck like this. I see earned and logical consequences for grown adults who act like this.

[MissBee]

I see gloom and doom for children dragged through muck like this. I see earned and logical consequences for grown adults who act like this.

 

Nicely put!

[wannabdone]

Again, I am just eager to see what was the reasoning for her reaching out. Even in the subject of her post "cuz youre gonna get to know me!"

 

I REALLY wished there were sites like this when I was her age and starting my A. I know that its hard pill to swallow when you love someone so dearly. But it would have helped me so much.

 

I hope we can all give her the support and love that she needs to help her not get sucked into something that very well has the potential to rob her of her life.

 

Marie, I do hope that although you don't have to agree with everything everyone is saying, and there might be some points that we are off on, that we are all coming to you because we have at some point been exactly in your position and know what you are going through and feeling, and unfortunately probably know where this is heading as well.

It really all is meant in love and support.

 

I am anticipating your response. You have gotten a ton of them since you posted. You got a lot of reading to do, girl.

[alexandria35]

Lots of illegal activities require neither.

-Murder

-Assault

-Rape

-Animal Cruelty

-Drug possession

-Drug dealing

-Auto theft

 

... to name a few.

 

Seriously?? You don't think these activities involve lying and dishonesty? So drug dealers claim their profits on their tax returns? People list murder and auto theft as their hobbies when filling out job applications? Rapists always tell their victims up front that as soon as they get them alone they are going to brutally assault them (date rape)?

[Marie Callender]

Oh goodness.... I don't even know where to start.

So, here are my questions for you. And again, not to bombared you.... just to get a understanding. Which I am pretty sure I know the answers to already, as I have been where you are. But, have you guys talked about him leaving? And how long exactly have you been physical? How often do you see eachother? Are you seeing anyone else or at least going out with your friends? Do you see yourself as being able to always be the OW? What is it exactly that you love about him? What is it that he says he loves about you? (those are all I can think of right now.... might have more later)

He asked me to give him until December to leave. I see him every day...usually in the morning, then we go to work together, then after work. Usually a Saturday or Sunday as well. I have kept in touch with my friends and see them, but I am not seeing anyone else. What I would ideally like is to be able to keep away from him until he is completely detached from his marriage - but that is difficult to do when we spend so much time together. We say we are going to, and then we cave. I just love being with him...I'm not sure exactly what why...

[Marie Callender]

Again, I am just eager to see what was the reasoning for her reaching out. Even in the subject of her post "cuz youre gonna get to know me!"

 

I REALLY wished there were sites like this when I was her age and starting my A. I know that its hard pill to swallow when you love someone so dearly. But it would have helped me so much.

 

I hope we can all give her the support and love that she needs to help her not get sucked into something that very well has the potential to rob her of her life.

 

Marie, I do hope that although you don't have to agree with everything everyone is saying, and there might be some points that we are off on, that we are all coming to you because we have at some point been exactly in your position and know what you are going through and feeling, and unfortunately probably know where this is heading as well.

It really all is meant in love and support.

 

I am anticipating your response. You have gotten a ton of them since you posted. You got a lot of reading to do, girl.

 

So...this is what led me to do some 'soul searching' on this site...he is gone for a week. We both agree we've hit a point where he needs to make a decision to avoid further hurting either one of us. And I think he is away doing some thought about this. But...who knows...I know ending a marriage has to be painful. He might come back and have decided he won't go through with it. I need to either be prepared to wait for him until December (only to possibly be drug on longer?) or to end this and move on or maybe hear some good news? Gosh...I'm confusing myself...I go up/down and back/forth on what I want to do. I'm thinking of moving to California w/ my family and working from there until he figures out his marriage. I think I would be really sad though, and miss him a lot.

[Marie Callender]

I don't see what his criminal history has to do with this. But, he carried some drugs on a plane for someone back when he was in college. Years later, he was arrested after an old college buddy got in trouble and said his name. This was not a crime of dishonesty. This was someone who was a thrill seeker in college and got caught. I do not think he is a bad person for this. And he was an attorney, not a drug dealer. Not a thug. People make mistakes.

[Marie Callender]

I see gloom and doom for children dragged through muck like this. I see earned and logical consequences for grown adults who act like this.

 

I wanted to bring up again...no kids involved...I think that is important to note.

[MissBee]

He asked me to give him until December to leave. I see him every day...usually in the morning, then we go to work together, then after work. Usually a Saturday or Sunday as well. I have kept in touch with my friends and see them, but I am not seeing anyone else. What I would ideally like is to be able to keep away from him until he is completely detached from his marriage - but that is difficult to do when we spend so much time together. We say we are going to, and then we cave. I just love being with him...I'm not sure exactly what why...

 

To give some perspective: lots of people (myself included) like being with people, who are no good for them, for reasons that may not be obvious. Hence, feelings or simply liking the attention someone gives you or how they make you feel, are not always good reasons for being with them and often have nothing to do with whether or not it is a good relationship. If bad relationships always felt bad, then no one would be in them, but often they are disguised as good or there is enough good and bad mixed in to make it attractive, esp to the vulnerable.

 

Have you considered at all that you MAY be rebounding? I mean, even if this guy was not married and was not your boss...I don't think most people who hop from one relationship to a next are usually making a smart decision and as rebounds go, they like affairs, are often very intense but overtime the illusion vanishes. It's something to consider in light of your recent breakup.

Well...you have until December. So keep your ears, eyes and brain open! Love isn't something that should render you senseless and blind to reality, but true love makes sense and flows with reality IMO. If one has to turn a blind eye and abandon all good sense for love....it is most likely some form of delusion.

 

I love this quote: “True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision.” - M.Scott Peck

[MissBee]

So...this is what led me to do some 'soul searching' on this site...he is gone for a week. We both agree we've hit a point where he needs to make a decision to avoid further hurting either one of us. And I think he is away doing some thought about this. But...who knows...I know ending a marriage has to be painful. He might come back and have decided he won't go through with it. I need to either be prepared to wait for him until December (only to possibly be drug on longer?) or to end this and move on or maybe hear some good news? Gosh...I'm confusing myself...I go up/down and back/forth on what I want to do. I'm thinking of moving to California w/ my family and working from there until he figures out his marriage. I think I would be really sad though, and miss him a lot.

 

Sounds like a great plan! People miss people all the time, you'd be fine. It would either push him to do as he said he would, or you'd come to see the truth in the situation and then eventually you would get over it upon realizing the truth. Missing him while in Cali and being sad seems far better than getting more caught up with him everyday and then he doesn't leave and strings you along, you'd feel FAR WORST! You leaving and having that space and perspective can only be good...if it is truly "love" and he is serious about you then his subsequent actions after you go away would be telling.

[Marie Callender]

Raindown I like what you have to say! thanks

[Marie Callender]

MissBee - I have seriously been considering moving there when my lease is up in October, until December. The things that have been holding me back are...getting a brand new awesome office and promotion...I want to make sure I am bringing in as much money as possible for the company, and I am afraid I won't be as effective of a worker if I remove myself from the office!

 

I think he was initially a rebound...I am definitely in infatuation with him. Trying to quit him is like trying to quit heroin it is difficult!

[Marie Callender]

What do you guys think about him wanting me to give him until December? He says he can't end his marriage overnight, wants to do it right...he wants a graceful exit and does not wish to fight her for anything. Keep in mind he doesn't want me sleeping with anyone else...he is very open about his relationship with his wife...but all the same, I have the risk of him telling me in December that he is staying in his marriage. And then I haven't dated...I'll have squandered half of being 25!

[fooled once]

I see train wreck all over this.

 

If he is so in love with you, why hasn't he left his marriage? That alone should be telling you that he has no intentions of you being anything besides a mistress.

 

The rest of it, you will defend and excuse. Your work reputation is ruined, it will haunt you and as much as you like to think you are just so intregal to his business, you will one day see how untrue that is.

 

Good luck

[TurboGirl]

 

I think he was initially a rebound...I am definitely in infatuation with him. Trying to quit him is like trying to quit heroin it is difficult!

 

Addicted to the attention that he is giving you. You don't live with him, see him 24/7, he could be a real total azz to be with 24/7. All the while... he is M and has you and the W. And you are not dating anyone! That is really great, too.

 

Sorry, NO PARDONS to attorneys, dear. He took an oath when he passed the bar. Why isn't he practicing law any longer? He is scum and playing you big time. Don't you think it is irresponsible for a 40 year old MM to be smoking pot & hitting on his cute young employee? COME ON! Obviously you are a smart girl. Wise up, please. Save yourself now, while you can.

 

So he does want children... how are you going to feel when his W turns up pregnant in November and he "can't" leave???

[Marie Callender]

Addicted to the attention that he is giving you. You don't live with him, see him 24/7, he could be a real total azz to be with 24/7. All the while... he is M and has you and the W. And you are not dating anyone! That is really great, too.

 

Sorry, NO PARDONS to attorneys, dear. He took an oath when he passed the bar. Why isn't he practicing law any longer? He is scum and playing you big time. Don't you think it is irresponsible for a 40 year old MM to be smoking pot & hitting on his cute young employee? COME ON! Obviously you are a smart girl. Wise up, please. Save yourself now, while you can.

 

So he does want children... how are you going to feel when his W turns up pregnant in November and he "can't" leave???

 

He doesn't pass law because he got in trouble (see the posts above). He claims he is an ass to live with! I believe he can be. I do not think he is irresponsible - I do not see any moral problems with smoking pot and being happily in love! If his wife turned up pregnant, I would be quite happy for him, actually. I don't think that is going happen. I hear about what goes on between them and I appreciate his honesty and openness with me.

[wannabdone]

So...this is what led me to do some 'soul searching' on this site...he is gone for a week. We both agree we've hit a point where he needs to make a decision to avoid further hurting either one of us. And I think he is away doing some thought about this. But...who knows...I know ending a marriage has to be painful. He might come back and have decided he won't go through with it. I need to either be prepared to wait for him until December (only to possibly be drug on longer?) or to end this and move on or maybe hear some good news? Gosh...I'm confusing myself...I go up/down and back/forth on what I want to do. I'm thinking of moving to California w/ my family and working from there until he figures out his marriage. I think I would be really sad though, and miss him a lot.

 

Well, definitely don't feel alone with that. I sure have been there.... confushing myself, up and downs. I think we confuse ourselves, because as smart intellectual people, we see what the "real deal" is, we know the statistics, we hear the stories, so our brain tells us one thing, but as human beings, we are in love and we want this to work, so our hearts talk our brains into something else.... hense the confusion.

 

Again, I don't know how to do more than one quote in my post. (can have a mba, but can't figure that out ).... but a couple things I noticed.

 

in one post you put:

 

"We decided that if we didn't work out together, I would move back home to Southern California and work from there (I can do my job from anywhere, really – I just choose to go to the same office as him)."

And then in another post you put:

"I have seriously been considering moving there when my lease is up in October, until December. The things that have been holding me back are...getting a brand new awesome office and promotion...I want to make sure I am bringing in as much money as possible for the company, and I am afraid I won't be as effective of a worker if I remove myself from the office!"

So, just curious, and doing this to really point it out to you. Is it that you just don't want to leave his side? If you do, you are afraid he will make that decision and it won't be you?? I'm not judging, because I could understand what your line of thought it.

Also, a big red flag is him asking until december. If he intends to give her everything she wants, and he apparently makes a ton of money, as you have said you are and you work for him.... why december? Why not now? I mean, if he loves you, has no children, money, and will give her whatever, and contest it....I don't get the need for 3.5 months.

Also, why is he off doing soul searching? I thought he asked you to give him until december. I thought he had made his mind up. I know D is hard, i've done it. But, if he has offered up a time line (one of which I don't understand why he needs that long), I would have thought he would have already done that soul searching. Ya know?

I agree with Miss Bee, missing him, it will be hard. But its no harder than being drug through the mud.

[wannabdone]

oh and also... I really do wish you good luck. I really hope it does work out for you. Really. I wish that for anyone.

[alexandria35]

I don't see what his criminal history has to do with this. But, he carried some drugs on a plane for someone back when he was in college. Years later, he was arrested after an old college buddy got in trouble and said his name. This was not a crime of dishonesty. This was someone who was a thrill seeker in college and got caught. I do not think he is a bad person for this. And he was an attorney, not a drug dealer. Not a thug. People make mistakes.

 

This is odd. I know his past isn't your most pressing problem right now, but are you sure he even told you the truth about this? You say he is forty years old and he was imprisoned in 2006, so 5 years ago, for taking drugs on a plane back when he was in college. So like 10 years after he smuggled some drugs on a plane, he got caught? What in the world? How would they ever be able to prove it? Somebody told on him so the cops ran right out, arrested him, charged him and managed to prove that 10 years before he had taken something illegal on a plane with him? I'm sorry but that is pretty far fetched. Boarding a plane with drugs is something most people get caught at red handed. I've never heard of anyone being charged for that years after the fact, not even months after.I can't even imagine the police trying to press charges on that. Unless of course he was the leader of a huge drug smuggling operation and they had been trying to nail him for a long time.

 

Why would wait until December for him to leave? What happens in December? What difference does a few months make? Christmas is in December. Do you really see him abandoning his wife at Christmas time?

[MissBee]

This is odd. I know his past isn't your most pressing problem right now, but are you sure he even told you the truth about this? You say he is forty years old and he was imprisoned in 2006, so 5 years ago, for taking drugs on a plane back when he was in college. So like 10 years after he smuggled some drugs on a plane, he got caught? What in the world? How would they ever be able to prove it? Somebody told on him so the cops ran right out, arrested him, charged him and managed to prove that 10 years before he had taken something illegal on a plane with him? I'm sorry but that is pretty far fetched. Boarding a plane with drugs is something most people get caught at red handed. I've never heard of anyone being charged for that years after the fact, not even months after.I can't even imagine the police trying to press charges on that. Unless of course he was the leader of a huge drug smuggling operation and they had been trying to nail him for a long time.

 

Why would wait until December for him to leave? What happens in December? What difference does a few months make? Christmas is in December. Do you really see him abandoning his wife at Christmas time?

 

You're raising some great questions!