Rules for being the OW

[ShortyJones]

I'm in the midst of my first married man affair, second month. For the record, I have never looked to being with a married man, we connected via a website and were friends for months before it went to this level. This website is themed with a common interest we have for business and I have many male friends there, I have no choice as I was one of the only women on the website. One night he asked for my help on a project and one hour of help over the phone turned into five hours of the best night I have had in a very long time. Of course, ended up with us surfing porn together and then having phone sex and us both enjoying it so much that we agreed to continue on with what we were doing another time. We both travel extensively for work, so the rules were kind of set that we only do that when he is on travel. We have not had sex yet, only virtual fun with cams and over the phone. I'm not married.

 

Before I go into the rules and why I would like to see a list, I have been lurking on this forum for awhile reading other women's replies and really enjoying it. I know I am not alone here and my reasons for the affair are not the same as others maybe. My reasons are simple. It's been a very long time since I let a man into my life this closely, in my head and body. I so much have enjoyed how he makes me feel that I am not ready to end it yet. He has made it clear that he does not want to end it. What I posted in the other forum, "What I can tell you all here, is why he makes me feel so awesome is that it's been a very long time since I have allowed a man into my life. I haven't felt this good about myself, this sexy or this positive in a long time. What I am getting out of this is almost all emotions for myself". I feel great, alive and it's definately put a kick in my step that I was missing.

 

Now on to my problem. I went into this knowing to keep my emotions in check. I think he is having a problem though with it. We both agreed that when he was with his family that there would be no contact. Since we agreed on that, he has contacted me three times for just conversation. His last trip out, he said the wife admitted to having a boyfriend and wants a divorce, not that it matters on my end, but I think he's getting more emotional with me because he's in trouble and needs someone. I just happened last weekend to start feeling some emotions (like missing him) and blocked them in a hurry because....

 

He will never leave his wife for me (it does happen, but rarely)

He will never commit to me even if he left his wife for me (once a cheater, always a cheater)

His family will always come first (as his family should, but again that back burners us always)

He will probably dump me first and I am prepared for that to happen, thus I put my emotions in check so the pain is not bad and easy to get over.

 

It is what it is ladies.

 

Anyone have any other rules to add to keep me in or other women in check that are truly enjoying their affairs and don't want to get too emotional?

[whichwayisup]

How about letting a man that you can see/feel/touch into your life instead of a man who is married, and online?

 

It's based on fantasy and fun..ON the expense of his wife and kids. WTF.

 

You think this is going to help with your trust issues, letting a guy like this close to you? The outcome WILL mess you up and make you trust someone even less! I hope you can see this?

 

You are askin for trouble, pain and heartache..Willingly. It's like getting a kid to play with a loaded gun, it can go off at anytime!

 

As for feelings? I doubt very much you're going to handle this and keep things cool and detached, like a FWB kind of deal.

 

Good luck though, just wish you'd re-think this, choosing to have an affair, let alone one online, isn't a healthy path way to take.

[jwi71]

I'm in the midst of my first married man affair, second month. For the record, I have never looked to being with a married man, we connected via a website and were friends for months before it went to this level. This website is themed with a common interest we have for business and I have many male friends there, I have no choice as I was one of the only women on the website. One night he asked for my help on a project and one hour of help over the phone turned into five hours of the best night I have had in a very long time. Of course, ended up with us surfing porn together and then having phone sex and us both enjoying it so much that we agreed to continue on with what we were doing another time. We both travel extensively for work, so the rules were kind of set that we only do that when he is on travel. We have not had sex yet, only virtual fun with cams and over the phone. I'm not married.

 

Before I go into the rules and why I would like to see a list, I have been lurking on this forum for awhile reading other women's replies and really enjoying it. I know I am not alone here and my reasons for the affair are not the same as others maybe. My reasons are simple. It's been a very long time since I let a man into my life this closely, in my head and body. I so much have enjoyed how he makes me feel that I am not ready to end it yet. He has made it clear that he does not want to end it. What I posted in the other forum, "What I can tell you all here, is why he makes me feel so awesome is that it's been a very long time since I have allowed a man into my life. I haven't felt this good about myself, this sexy or this positive in a long time. What I am getting out of this is almost all emotions for myself". I feel great, alive and it's definately put a kick in my step that I was missing.

 

Now on to my problem. I went into this knowing to keep my emotions in check. I think he is having a problem though with it. We both agreed that when he was with his family that there would be no contact. Since we agreed on that, he has contacted me three times for just conversation. His last trip out, he said the wife admitted to having a boyfriend and wants a divorce, not that it matters on my end, but I think he's getting more emotional with me because he's in trouble and needs someone. I just happened last weekend to start feeling some emotions (like missing him) and blocked them in a hurry because....

 

He will never leave his wife for me (it does happen, but rarely)

He will never commit to me even if he left his wife for me (once a cheater, always a cheater)

His family will always come first (as his family should, but again that back burners us always)

He will probably dump me first and I am prepared for that to happen, thus I put my emotions in check so the pain is not bad and easy to get over.

 

It is what it is ladies.

 

Anyone have any other rules to add to keep me in or other women in check that are truly enjoying their affairs and don't want to get too emotional?

 

One good rule is honesty.

 

And here you are not being honest with yourself. The lie you tell and believe is "I can keep my distance". You can't. Most people cannot.

 

Don't bother saying you can keep your distance not when you write things like "...its been awhile since I had someone this close".

 

Simply realize you will form an emotional attachment. Perhaps a deep one. By continuing you are choosing this, allowing it...nurturing it.

 

I would also suggest being honest with him, that you are upset HE broke the rules. Be honest that you have no real interest in a long term anything with him (except an A). And since you have no feelings for him, this should be easy to say. Yes?

 

And one last thing...it isn't "It is what it is". It NEVER is. The more correct (honest?) phrase is : "It is what I make of it".

[ShortyJones]

I have tried to let other men in, but none of them had the chemistry I am seeking, which is very important to me. The only men that I have let in, had that chemistry and I am always out seeking it. I don't take less or will accept less. The one guy lately who does have the chemistry, unfortunately works for me and I'm not physically attracted to him anyway (he is single though lol)...so I know this chemistry is out there, just rare for me to find.

 

As for fun and fantasy, I agree--maybe that's what I needed to read out of this, that's what it is. Either way, I like what I'm getting out of it. And it's at his expense though for doing this behind her back don't you agree? He would find it elsewhere where he lives or online. I'm not feeling guilty about what he is doing behind his wife's back.

 

I never said I trusted him.

 

FWB...that's what this kind of is I guess, thank you for your comment.

 

Still seeking some rules to keeping emotions in check, anyone else have anything to offer? I am traveling for work this week, today is my day off and would love to work on this

 

JWI...thank you for your reply. I understand what you're saying here. I will lay down the law for him next time he contacts me outside the boundaries, put him in check a bit. In the beginning he also used to tell me "I love hearing about when you're dating other men, you should tell me"...and I decided a few weeks ago to NOT tell him anymore who I am seeing outside of him because I saw some jealous already come out of him.

Edited September 5, 2011 by ShortyJones

[Avery]

I have tried to let other men in, but none of them had the chemistry I am seeking, which is very important to me. The only men that I have let in, had that chemistry and I am always out seeking it. I don't take less or will accept less. The one guy lately who does have the chemistry, unfortunately works for me and I'm not physically attracted to him anyway (he is single though lol)...so I know this chemistry is out there, just rare for me to find.

 

As for fun and fantasy, I agree--maybe that's what I needed to read out of this, that's what it is. Either way, I like what I'm getting out of it. And it's at his expense though for doing this behind her back don't you agree? He would find it elsewhere where he lives or online. I'm not feeling guilty about what he is doing behind his wife's back.

 

I never said I trusted him.

 

FWB...that's what this kind of is I guess, thank you for your comment.

 

Still seeking some rules to keeping emotions in check, anyone else have anything to offer? I am traveling for work this week, today is my day off and would love to work on this

 

JWI...thank you for your reply. I understand what you're saying here. I will lay down the law for him next time he contacts me outside the boundaries, put him in check a bit. In the beginning he also used to tell me "I love hearing about when you're dating other men, you should tell me"...and I decided a few weeks ago to NOT tell him anymore who I am seeing outside of him because I saw some jealous already come out of him.

 

You have answered the question yourself. That (the bolded) is all you need to know to keep your emotions "in check". If it wasn't you, it would be someone else. So there is nothing special about you at all, other than you are a willing.

 

I can't imagine getting attached to someone who simply picked me because I was the quickest and easiest choice.. can you?

[MissBee]

Sorry, can't help with the rules.

 

I am not a fan of a relationship with too many rules....if it is such that I have to have a whole arsenal of rules to "keep myself in check" and if I veer off course it could be to my detriment....I pass.

 

I have been in a situation with a taken man where it was strictly FWB. We didn't have many conversations that included sharing deeply, we didn't hang out much and overall we did not do anything that would allow for intimacy to develop. He didn't "need" me for anything and I didn't "need him". He was out of sight, out of mind, except when I wanted an ego stroke or sex. We had no rules, as we were on the same page somehow. I didn't even consider myself the OW as that to me implied that I had some form of "relationship" with him, which I didn't. I wasn't attached to him at all and if he stopped coming around at any point, I wouldn't have been bothered. The truth is, he wasn't my "type", besides us having great sexual chemistry and him being physically attractive, so it was pretty easy for me not to fall for him. We just didn't connect on that "other level" so it was "safe". If he were my type and someone I would have potentially dated seriously, I would have never involved myself with him under those conditions, then try to give myself rules. It would have most likely been counterproductive and the lines would have been blurred on one or both of our ends.

Edited September 5, 2011 by MissBee

[In Like Flynn]

If anything it is good practice for when you want to be a cheater in the future.

[ShortyJones]

@Avery...I can't imagine getting attached to someone who simply picked me because I was the quickest and easiest choice.. can you?

 

I was a choice that landed in his lap, we were friends for months and not even good friends, more like colleagues. If we were to end now, knowing him how I do, he will find someone else, but it be his decision how quick and easy it is.

 

@LadyGrey We are planning on doing a real meeting at some point. His schedule for work keeps him in different cities every day. It is hard for us to schedule a time for me to meet him but luckily, two towns by me are on his flight plan. He offered to fly me to one of his cities, but I was on travel and couldn't meet.

 

@Missbee, I'm not looking for rules for the affair per se, but more rules for me to keep me in check. Guidelines might be a better term.

 

@MissBee again...I read your entire post and now I realized that we are not doing what you were doing.

 

I have been in a situation with a taken man where it was strictly FWB. We didn't have many conversations that included sharing deeply, we didn't hang out much and overall we did not do anything that would allow for intimacy to develop.

 

We do that, for hours. Initimate...hours of talk, personal, deep chats and then we get naked and have fun.

 

I think now with that comment, I am doomed lol

Edited September 5, 2011 by ShortyJones

[MissBee]

@Avery...I can't imagine getting attached to someone who simply picked me because I was the quickest and easiest choice.. can you?

 

I was a choice that landed in his lap, we were friends for months and not even good friends, more like colleagues. If we were to end now, knowing him how I do, he will find someone else, but it be his decision how quick and easy it is.

 

@LadyGrey We are planning on doing a real meeting at some point. His schedule for work keeps him in different cities every day. It is hard for us to schedule a time for me to meet him but luckily, two towns by me are on his flight plan. He offered to fly me to one of his cities, but I was on travel and couldn't meet.

 

@Missbee, I'm not looking for rules for the affair per se, but more rules for me to keep me in check. Guidelines might be a better term.

 

@MissBee again...I read your entire post and now I realized that we are not doing what you were doing.

 

I have been in a situation with a taken man where it was strictly FWB. We didn't have many conversations that included sharing deeply, we didn't hang out much and overall we did not do anything that would allow for intimacy to develop.

 

We do that, for hours. Initimate...hours of talk, personal, deep chats and then we get naked and have fun.

 

I think now with that comment, I am doomed lol

 

Pretty much...

 

Yea. What I was saying is that it is a slippery slope and no matter how many rules you give yourself, it is either going to be very bothersome to follow these rules or you'll break them and end up where you may not wish to be; therefore, I wouldn't do what you're doing, as it is going to be hard to "keep yourself in check" and I gave my situation as an example of where it was truly casual, and I didn't need rules per se, as I had no feelings for him and was in no danger of falling inlove and getting hurt.

 

In addition, there seems to be huge elements of fantasy in this "relationship" that may not translate well into real life, be warned. It's all good and well to "naked chat" and so on, but to then try to develop something real or intimate out of those conditions might be very precarious.

[Avery]

@Avery...I can't imagine getting attached to someone who simply picked me because I was the quickest and easiest choice.. can you?

 

I was a choice that landed in his lap, we were friends for months and not even good friends, more like colleagues. If we were to end now, knowing him how I do, he will find someone else, but it be his decision how quick and easy it is.

lol

 

Aren't we saying the same thing? Do you read what you type? You "landed in his lap". Well, you can't get any quicker and easier of a choice than that, now can you? If not you, then he will find someone else. These are YOUR words!

 

This ALONE should be a bucket of cold water on any "emotional" connection you may be fostering. Enjoy the fun. Enjoy the fantasy. Don't make it more than it is. Chances are, if you try to make it personal.. he will toss you aside for the next "quick and easy" (and more Importantly, UNCOMPLICATED) "choice".

 

.

[MissBee]

Aren't we saying the same thing? Do you read what you type? You "landed in his lap". Well, you can't get any quicker and easier of a choice than that, now can you? If not you, then he will find someone else. These are YOUR words!

 

This ALONE should be a bucket of cold water on any "emotional" connection you may be fostering. Enjoy the fun. Enjoy the fantasy. Don't make it more than it is. Chances are, if you try to make it personal.. he will toss you aside for the next "quick and easy" (and more Importantly, UNCOMPLICATED) "choice".

 

.

 

Agreed....similar point to mine but better said

 

I don't condone affairs, but I can more understand those that are "meaningless flings", so to speak. I think they carry less risk and less drama, more often than not, than those fueled by emotions, those that want it to eventually not be an affair and those that carry on their affair as if they were in an exclusive relationship with their AP. The former seems to have less of a blow as it is more aligned with the current reality and the moment, while the latter HAS TO ignore or downplay certain aspects of the reality, or hope for a different reality "one day", which creates dissonance.

[ShortyJones]

MissBee, when I found this forum your posts were one that stuck out the most, so I appreciate your feedback.

 

I will take some time today to think more about this. After reading the post replies so far, it does seem more like an emotional affair or an affair of the heart since it's not purely sexual and one day, it will get worse than better for me anyway. Good call there.

 

Thinking if we took out the 90% of the talking and laughing and just did the naked chat, I would have ended it awhile ago I imagine.

[ShortyJones]

Now after thinking a minute more about this, I have one final question to pose. What if what he needs is the emotional affair and not a sexual one? I know he's not happy with the marriage as it is now. He's very communicative and she's threatened divorce and flat out told him she has a boyfriend. Emotional affairs are worse by the sounds of it.

[MissBee]

MissBee, when I found this forum your posts were one that stuck out the most, so I appreciate your feedback.

 

I will take some time today to think more about this. After reading the post replies so far, it does seem more like an emotional affair or an affair of the heart since it's not purely sexual and one day, it will get worse than better for me anyway. Good call there.

 

Thinking if we took out the 90% of the talking and laughing and just did the naked chat, I would have ended it awhile ago I imagine.

 

You're welcome!

 

I do hope things work out in your favor and don't wish to see you back here in a few weeks/months lamenting over something that has gone terribly wrong.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm in the midst of my first married man affair, second month. For the record, I have never looked to being with a married man, we connected via a website and were friends for months before it went to this level. This website is themed with a common interest we have for business and I have many male friends there, I have no choice as I was one of the only women on the website. One night he asked for my help on a project and one hour of help over the phone turned into five hours of the best night I have had in a very long time. Of course, ended up with us surfing porn together and then having phone sex and us both enjoying it so much that we agreed to continue on with what we were doing another time. We both travel extensively for work, so the rules were kind of set that we only do that when he is on travel. We have not had sex yet, only virtual fun with cams and over the phone. I'm not married.

 

Before I go into the rules and why I would like to see a list, I have been lurking on this forum for awhile reading other women's replies and really enjoying it. I know I am not alone here and my reasons for the affair are not the same as others maybe. My reasons are simple. It's been a very long time since I let a man into my life this closely, in my head and body. I so much have enjoyed how he makes me feel that I am not ready to end it yet. He has made it clear that he does not want to end it. What I posted in the other forum, "What I can tell you all here, is why he makes me feel so awesome is that it's been a very long time since I have allowed a man into my life. I haven't felt this good about myself, this sexy or this positive in a long time. What I am getting out of this is almost all emotions for myself". I feel great, alive and it's definately put a kick in my step that I was missing.

 

Now on to my problem. I went into this knowing to keep my emotions in check. I think he is having a problem though with it. We both agreed that when he was with his family that there would be no contact. Since we agreed on that, he has contacted me three times for just conversation. His last trip out, he said the wife admitted to having a boyfriend and wants a divorce, not that it matters on my end, but I think he's getting more emotional with me because he's in trouble and needs someone. I just happened last weekend to start feeling some emotions (like missing him) and blocked them in a hurry because....

 

He will never leave his wife for me (it does happen, but rarely)

He will never commit to me even if he left his wife for me (once a cheater, always a cheater)

His family will always come first (as his family should, but again that back burners us always)

He will probably dump me first and I am prepared for that to happen, thus I put my emotions in check so the pain is not bad and easy to get over.

 

It is what it is ladies.

 

Anyone have any other rules to add to keep me in or other women in check that are truly enjoying their affairs and don't want to get too emotional?

 

 

Interesting phrase.

[spice4life]

...get divorced emotionally and legally first. I know that is not what you are looking for here, but one day that is probably what you will tell him.

 

I should have asked myself this question a long time ago, but I didn't and here it is none-the-less...why are you willing to stuff your feelings and contort yourself for this man?

 

One last thing, just be aware that there will come a point and time where all those feelings of elation will come to a screeching halt and turn into the opposite.

[RainDown]

Now after thinking a minute more about this, I have one final question to pose. What if what he needs is the emotional affair and not a sexual one? I know he's not happy with the marriage as it is now. He's very communicative and she's threatened divorce and flat out told him she has a boyfriend. Emotional affairs are worse by the sounds of it.

 

So his wife has a boyfriend and wants a divorce, and he's having online affairs and phone sex. Why doesn't he just agree to the divorce instead of complicating things unneccesarily?

[jwi71]

Now after thinking a minute more about this, I have one final question to pose. What if what he needs is the emotional affair and not a sexual one? I know he's not happy with the marriage as it is now. He's very communicative and she's threatened divorce and flat out told him she has a boyfriend. Emotional affairs are worse by the sounds of it.

 

Him

He's

His

He

 

What happened to YOU? Already you are becoming lost in him, his needs, his situation, his thinking....

 

...yeah, you're not too caught up in this. And the more you focus on him, the more of you is lost and, worse yet, the more REAL opportunities pass you by. You know, the not-as-mind-numbing but still great guy you passed up...because of him...

[ShortyJones]

@bent Interesting phrase. Yeah, well I've never done this before, so this is all new to me.

 

@spice why are you willing to stuff your feelings and contort yourself for this man? -Because I am the single one and still out looking. What this man has done for me to make me feel wonderful again is something I don't regret.

 

@spice One last thing, just be aware that there will come a point and time where all those feelings of elation will come to a screeching halt and turn into the opposite. -Prepared for that. This last trip home we didn't communicate until half way and he contacted me. That's when I started worrying a bit more about his level with me and then because of this post today, now I thinking about me more.

 

@raindown So his wife has a boyfriend and wants a divorce, and he's having online affairs and phone sex. Why doesn't he just agree to the divorce instead of complicating things unneccesarily? I don't know, I haven't asked him yet. We are just six weeks into this thing, I barely know him enough to know the "real him".

 

@jwi I think this whole thing has actually enlightened me a bit. I have seen things in me come alive that I haven't seen in a long time. I know what those things are and that's what I am enjoying I guess. Hard to explain.

[SunsetRed]

Everything you said is 100% true. Recently the Huffington Post blog had a blog about mistresses. They discussed a book called The Legacy of the Mistress and ended with a quote which I'll share.

 

"When a man (divorces his wife) and marries his mistress, he leaves open a job vacancy"

[TurboGirl]

What do you think looking at porn online with some guy you've never even met says about you? OF COURSE you looked at porn online? Hopefully you were not using a company laptop. I won't actually say what looking at porn online with some guy you've never met, and then having phone sex with him says to him about you and your standard... extremely unflattering.

 

What about all the zillions of single men out there? You must be able to find ONE.

 

Sounds like you think "dating" a MM is sport.

 

Actually, it is pure foolishness. You are setting yourself up for pain and heartbreak.

 

Add to your list of what to expect:

 

No holidays spent with you

Limited weekends

Planning on him meeting your friends/family?

Pretty much anytime that you might need him, he won't be available...

[Silly_Girl]

Everything you said is 100% true. Recently the Huffington Post blog had a blog about mistresses. They discussed a book called The Legacy of the Mistress and ended with a quote which I'll share.

 

"When a man (divorces his wife) and marries his mistress, he leaves open a job vacancy"

 

Or maybe the OW is filling a vacancy, not creating it.

[OpenBook]

Recently the Huffington Post blog had a blog about mistresses. They discussed a book called The Legacy of the Mistress and ended with a quote which I'll share.

 

"When a man (divorces his wife) and marries his mistress, he leaves open a job vacancy"

 

Actually that article ended with a statement that marriages and affairs continue to be inextricably linked. And the title (and point) of the article is "Why Mistresses Have Everything to do with Marriage." It did include that quote you referenced, but it didn't end with it.

 

I am glad you brought attention to that article, though. Another quote it had that stood out the most to me was the one about the bonds of marriage being so heavy that sometimes it takes 3 people to carry them.

[stillafool]

OP, I've seen others come here and say they weren't emotionally involved with MM and 6 months later they are back here crying and suffering. Since you have admitted no other man has made you feel as he does in a while, etc., I would say you are already on the emotional highway whether you realize it or not.

 

Why do you think he will never leave his wife when she is already asking for a divorce and has a boyfriend? She obviously doesn't want him anymore.

 

To answer your original question, one thing you should definitely not do is spy on him and his wife. For some reason, OW like to go on social sites and look at pictures and read messages that are going on with the MM's family and they need to stop it. It is not their business what goes on with his wife and since she doesn't know about them it is not fair that they should know about her.

[SBC]

The number one rule in any relationship is do not let go of yourself. Live your life every minute and enjoy it, always, to the very best of your ability.

 

Do not make him (or any man) the center of your world. I view my life like a beautiful patchwork quilt, and my MM is simply another patch in it.

 

I dance, I write, I do photography, I have tons of girlfriends, I shop, I travel, I visit with my adult child, etc, etc, etc! No one thing in my life gets so much play time that if it goes bad, it sours my entire existence.

 

You said that his family comes first and by this it "back burners" you --I say, back burner him first.