Thoughts on MM who get stuck

[xxoo]

what they care about is what is in front of them, the splitting of the assets period.

 

That is the take home point of the thread. The BS's proposal is meaningless, because the judge will split the assets, and the custody.

 

No one is "stuck" married because the spouse makes wildly unreasonable divorce demands, as the courts have their own formulas that will overrule. Therefore, we are left considering the mindset of men who claim they remain married because they are "stuck".

 

Consulting a lawyer would be a wise and productive move. Has he done so?

[Lostinlife4now]

Ok EVERYBODY.........STOP!!!! let me talk for a moment? Love to all......

The states rule as the rules of the state....UNDERSTAND?....did this twice....I was awarded 50%...no fault divorce...no drama....we all moved along just fine....custody was on the terms of my xH and I....not the courts....my daughter had ample and EQUAL time with both of us.......

 

It's just how bad you want out....that there can be PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MissBee]

That is the take home point of the thread. The BS's proposal is meaningless, because the judge will split the assets, and the custody.

 

No one is "stuck" married because the spouse makes wildly unreasonable divorce demands, as the courts have their own formulas that will overrule. Therefore, we are left considering the mindset of men who claim they remain married because they are "stuck".

Consulting a lawyer would be a wise and productive move. Has he done so?

 

Ditto.

 

Can one be placed in a difficult/uncomfortable position and faced to make hard choices...yes. But to be stuck? No. Depending on how badly we want something, we'll take the risk and step out and see what happens.

 

Life is about making some choices that negate the possibilities of others and we all bargain and weigh the pros and cons of doing this versus that, we all consider if what we'll potentially or definitely lose will be worth it for what we'll potentially or definitely gain. When you're stuck, it's usually because you're scared of changing the status quo because you're not sure of what you'll gain compared with what you'll lose.

 

Sooo in this situation and others, this person will have to ultimately make a difficult choice HE can live with. He may love Cabin but may find that choosing her or choosing not to divorce is a risk not worth it...or he may decide that the risk of choosing her is worth it. But that's what it boils down to...are you going to be this person's choice after they weigh everything? You either are or aren't. As Cabin said earlier, he'll do what is best [for him].

Edited September 9, 2011 by MissBee

[pureinheart]

That is the take home point of the thread. The BS's proposal is meaningless, because the judge will split the assets, and the custody.

 

No one is "stuck" married because the spouse makes wildly unreasonable divorce demands, as the courts have their own formulas that will overrule. Therefore, we are left considering the mindset of men who claim they remain married because they are "stuck".

 

Consulting a lawyer would be a wise and productive move. Has he done so?

 

This is true and not at the same time. Because the assets could be a part of an inheritance that was never intermingled, and other such assets that might need to be in a discovery mode, or prove it mode, the courts must intervene if the two parties cannot agree. The two parties can agree to any settlement for that matter.

 

When there is not an agreement, then it is up to the judge and yes there are formulas, although there is still human nature involved also...if you piss off the judge, you just may have screwed up.

[Spark1111]

I know people who were so deseperate to get out of a loveless miserable marriage, they offered MORE than the court decreed to get it over and done with so they could be FREE!

 

There are NO EXCUSES when one truly wants out. Peace of mind and happiness are worth......how much?

 

Some things you cannot put a price tag on. If he is serious, he will PROCEED, no matter the cost.

[mzdolphin]

I know people who were so deseperate to get out of a loveless miserable marriage, they offered MORE than the court decreed to get it over and done with so they could be FREE!

 

There are NO EXCUSES when one truly wants out. Peace of mind and happiness are worth......how much?

 

Some things you cannot put a price tag on. If he is serious, he will PROCEED, no matter the cost.

 

Amen. I gave my ex husband a venture capital fund that could have made him millions. I didn't care. I couldn't sleep at night being married to that serial cheater. My ex MM said he stayed married for financial reasons, didn't want to lose everything like he did in his first marriage. Even if that's true, doesn't make him any less married.

 

"I felt like my marriage was over," he told me when he moved out of state. Well unless she thought your marriage was over, it's not. Even living in another state doesn't make them less married.

[Silly_Girl]

Financial security was/is important to me. When my son was born I had this overwhelming feeling that it was I who would be responsible for his health and well-being and would provide for him, despite the fact I was married to his dad at the time. And I went back to college, chose a profession and got qualified. Good job too because his dad can't contribute now he has more children.

 

The financial consequences was one of the factors that contributed to my staying in a relationship I ought to have left. One of many factors though (and not a deciding factor). I'm not materialistic, but it was important to me to have continuity in terms of where my son lived, if at possible, and I wanted to provide things that I felt were important but not a necessity, like school trips and holidays.

 

There's a balance to be struck. I don't look down on people who wish to be secure.

[Owl]

So...a thought occurred to me (it's a rare thing...we might consider celebrating! ).

 

Cabin, your AP knows his wife better than anyone else in the world could, having been married to her this long.

 

Given that...why didn't he anticipate her reaction, and plan accordingly?

 

What she's doing isn't unusual, in fact it's pretty typical. This shouldn't have come as any kind of surprise at all. Given that...I don't understand why he wasn't prepared and already had this included in his "exit strategy" gameplan?

 

I can't understand why this wasn't already considered and a contingency plan already in place to deal with such a reaction from her.

 

Regardless of THAT...at this point, he SHOULD be planning out his strategy to deal with this...which I'm curious to hear. What is it he's considering as methods to deal/respond to her 'offer'?

 

Still interested in a response, in case this post of mine might have been missed in the previous deluge.

[donnamaybe]

I'm curious as to how your ex having other children excuses him from paying support?

It doesn't. It is sometimes difficult to get a deadbeat dad to pay up. I know. It takes work and sometimes investigative skills. Mine is on a short leash now. I don't get much, but at least it's now coming in regularly.

 

The thing is, I wouldn't allow money to dictate who my life partner is. Now some may say, "Oh, so you'd be with someone who doesn't work?" in some attempt to invalidate this statement. Yes, if I made enough for the family on my own. But often someone who doesn't work does so because they're lazy. That's a trait my partner would never have, so that issue just won't come up for me.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm curious as to how your ex having other children excuses him from paying support?

 

You and me both.

[Silly_Girl]

It doesn't. It is sometimes difficult to get a deadbeat dad to pay up. I know. It takes work and sometimes investigative skills. Mine is on a short leash now. I don't get much, but at least it's now coming in regularly.

 

The thing is, I wouldn't allow money to dictate who my life partner is. Now some may say, "Oh, so you'd be with someone who doesn't work?" in some attempt to invalidate this statement. Yes, if I made enough for the family on my own. But often someone who doesn't work does so because they're lazy. That's a trait my partner would never have, so that issue just won't come up for me.

 

I had a 'house-husband' for a time many moons ago, and I may well do so again for a wee while. Long as everyone is pulling in the same direction and the bills are paid, I'm fine with that. I'm not keen on spongers, however.

[xxoo]

The financial consequences was one of the factors that contributed to my staying in a relationship I ought to have left. One of many factors though (and not a deciding factor). I'm not materialistic, but it was important to me to have continuity in terms of where my son lived, if at possible, and I wanted to provide things that I felt were important but not a necessity, like school trips and holidays.

 

There's a balance to be struck. I don't look down on people who wish to be secure.

 

This is fine, and I would not look down on a person who stays married for these reasons, either.

 

What I look down on is someone who stays married for these reasons, but leads an affair partner to believe he/she is going to leave and be with them.

 

I'm not sure Cabin's guy is that guy, though. From her posts, it sounds like he's been openly doubtful about leaving.

 

As far as wanting to keep the financial benefits of marriage AND the emotional benefits of an affair partner....that's "cake eating". He can have all that if he has a willing AP....or if he has a deluded AP. I don't think Cabin is deluded.

[2sunny]

where is Cabin?

 

what do you think of what is happening now Cabin... and what is being offered here as suggestions for YOU?

[MissBee]

This is fine, and I would not look down on a person who stays married for these reasons, either.

 

What I look down on is someone who stays married for these reasons, but leads an affair partner to believe he/she is going to leave and be with them.

 

I'm not sure Cabin's guy is that guy, though. From her posts, it sounds like he's been openly doubtful about leaving.

 

As far as wanting to keep the financial benefits of marriage AND the emotional benefits of an affair partner....that's "cake eating". He can have all that if he has a willing AP....or if he has a deluded AP. I don't think Cabin is deluded.

 

Agreed.

 

It goes back to your priorities and making choices with which you can live. If one feels like in order to be financially secure for their child, themselves, their dog etc. requires staying unhappily married, and financially security is important to them...then this person is entitled to choose that. However, let it be noted that their financial security is more of a priority than leaving their marriage to be with their AP...for better of for worse...that is what it is.

 

It doesn't matter the reason we give for choosing one thing over another...the point is that: the thing we choose, is chosen because at that time we decide that it (financial security, one's children, whatever else) takes precedence over the thing not chosen (AP, being single, freedom, whatever else).

 

In my former A, him choosing me did not make sense in his life or mine either. Therefore, he didn't choose me, as like it or not, other things took precedence: his child, his job security, whatever else. That's what it was. I was not a choice he felt that he couldn't live without choosing, whereas everything else, he couldn't see himself not having them...and I don't blame him! It's quite fine. I truly believe that if someone is meant for me, then choosing me will be the obvious, or if not obvious, after much wrestling is the choice they will feel at peace with and it will be clear to them that having me in their life fully and giving me what I need will also give the, what they need making choosing me will up there on his priority list or something he can't see himself not doing. If not...then I need to let him go.

Edited September 9, 2011 by MissBee

[Spark1111]

where is Cabin?

 

what do you think of what is happening now Cabin... and what is being offered here as suggestions for YOU?

 

Unfortunately, Cabin often disappears.

 

I hope she is seeing some resolution to her situation.

[bentnotbroken]

Still interested in a response, in case this post of mine might have been missed in the previous deluge.

 

 

You might get an answer, but don't be in a hurry to see if it happens anytime soon.

[Cabin]

Cabin - how are ya? I think you've had some overzealous responses and your words are being applied so literally as to be unfair, in my view. No one knows the situation like you so use the advice that's relevant but if it's not, it's not

 

Thanks silly girl.

I appreciate your ability to keep some perspective about the stories we all share here... most of us can only offer our best guess/humble opinions, though many of us choose to unequivocally declare what must be going on.... despite not actually knowing the people or the ins and outs of their situations.

[2sunny]

Thanks silly girl.

I appreciate your ability to keep some perspective about the stories we all share here... most of us can only offer our best guess/humble opinions, though many of us choose to unequivocally declare what must be going on.... despite not actually knowing the people or the ins and outs of their situations.

 

working from the words YOU type.

 

he's married, no?

 

his wife currently isn't diggin' his behavior as a man that's apparently and supposedly married.

 

she filed an agreement and your MM is going to get what the court orders, right?

 

he wants to complain about getting the shaft - when HE actually CAUSED this to happen - with his behavior and actions, right?

 

you are willing to set him up as his OW and rescue him so HE can be "happy", right?

 

 

so - what am i missing that YOU are alluding to?

 

 

bottom line is - YOU can't MAKE HIM become happy! that's for HIM to do - or not!

[Cabin]

I know people who were so deseperate to get out of a loveless miserable marriage, they offered MORE than the court decreed to get it over and done with so they could be FREE!

 

I have tried to be very clear here. The "cost" he is most concerned with is the relationship between himself and his children. The financial consequences of splitting are not a priority for him, as evidenced by the fact that he'll walk away from everything he owns.

 

I have been more interested in the numbers, but only because I think her demands are sheer lunacy given the laws/guidelines governing child support and spousal support here. And even that interest in the numbers is only peripheral, as I am financially independent and do not need him for his money.

 

He loves his children immensely and does not want to subject them to a relationship where he and his wife are yelling, using the kids as pawns, emotionally manipulating through the children, withholding access, etc.

 

You may not understand, but I do... and I have always known this was a reality. He has not promised me anything or been untruthful with me. I am participating in our mutual plan to be free and I have not been conned or tricked in the least. If it doesn't work out, I won't be able to whine that I was manipulated or kept waiting on the hook.

 

What more can I really say?

[Cabin]

:laugh: I always see things differently.

 

I see a wife who is done with her husband and his cheating ways to the extent that she even got a lawyer and had separation papers drawn up. I see a husband who is using every trick in the book to his other woman to stay married, the old sad sob story, and keep his wife. That mean old wife. LOL Cabin wake up, the wife even got papers drawn up and this guy is not leaving. Did you see the papers?

 

 

You might "see" things differently alright, but not with much fact.

She drew up the separation papers herself (no lawyer), and yes I did see them. He is not leaving until they have both signed a separation agreement that they MUTUALLY agree upon. I would not leave my home or family either, under those conditions, unless I had some legal paperwork to protect my rights as well.

 

Case in point: we have a mutual friend who wanted to divorce his wife... they had a big fight one night and he slept out at a buddy's... she changed the locks while he was at work the next day, and refused him entry to the home thereafter. It took two months to get an appointment with the Court to allow him access to his child.

[xxoo]

He loves his children immensely and does not want to subject them to a relationship where he and his wife are yelling, using the kids as pawns, emotionally manipulating through the children, withholding access, etc.

 

I get that.

 

What I don't get is...what does he think the reality will be when his wife finds out about his affair?

 

I know his plan is for her never to find out, but isn't that wishful thinking with VERY high stakes?

 

Discovery of the affair could manifest the very worst-case scenario of all his fears listed above.

[Cabin]

Cabin, your AP knows his wife better than anyone else in the world could, having been married to her this long. Given that...why didn't he anticipate her reaction, and plan accordingly?

 

What she's doing isn't unusual, in fact it's pretty typical. This shouldn't have come as any kind of surprise at all. Given that...I don't understand why he wasn't prepared and already had this included in his "exit strategy" gameplan?

 

I can't understand why this wasn't already considered and a contingency plan already in place to deal with such a reaction from her.

 

He knew it would get ugly the closer they got to actually splitting and the more it sunk it for her that he really doesn't want the marriage to remain intact. He has made living arrangements elsewhere, and he has told all his family and friends that he wants to divorce.

 

I know many people on here think he should rush to leave, but I don't think so. If he had no children, yes. But he does. And he loves them. And leaving them suddenly would not be good for anyone.

[Cabin]

What I look down on is someone who stays married for these reasons, but leads an affair partner to believe he/she is going to leave and be with them.

 

I'm not sure Cabin's guy is that guy, though. From her posts, it sounds like he's been openly doubtful about leaving.

 

As far as wanting to keep the financial benefits of marriage AND the emotional benefits of an affair partner....that's "cake eating". He can have all that if he has a willing AP....or if he has a deluded AP. I don't think Cabin is deluded.

 

Thank you xxoo.

My AP has not lead me to believe anything. We talk openly about what we want, and he has footnoted all of our future plans with the reality that he will not leave if it's going to cause irreparable harm to his children.

 

If he is not able, or as some of you see it, not willing to free himself because he considers the cost too great, then I will not have been blindsided.

 

I continue to move forward with my separation/divorce because I do not love my H the way he deserves, and I want him to find that happiness with someone who will.

 

I realize that I may end up single and alone after all of this is said and done, and I'm ok with that too. If that is what happens, I will date and enjoy myself and look forward to whatever the future brings.

 

But -- and some of you will no doubt laugh or scoff at this -- I do have a real sense of calm in my heart about what will happen because he will find a way to make our relationship legitimate.

[Mme. Chaucer]

When / if the AP's wife finds out about the affair, how do you think that will impact her behavior?

 

 

When / if your husband finds out, do you think it will change his current agreeable behavior?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Cabin, I am sure you know that I have a major problem with you because of the evident facility with which you handle all the lying and dishonesty.

 

Regardless of all that, what I see from your post about the wife is very simple:

 

I see a woman who is fighting for her marriage.

 

And, I'll reiterate - if she finds out about the affair, she might not be fighting for her marriage anymore, she may just be fighting AGAINST you and her husband - and fighting hard, to win.

 

You wrote:

 

We talk openly about what we want, and he has footnoted all of our future plans with the reality that he will not leave if it's going to cause irreparable harm to his children.

 

Then ... he is not leaving. Because the fight that's already started between his wife and him (she is not letting him go without a big fight) obviously will cause more harm to his children than financial stuff ever could. Of course you know that.