I know it's wrong but . . .

[Sally522114]

Let me start with giving you a bit of background. I originally moved to a new place a number of years ago to be with a guy, but that didn't work out so after 2 years I moved home again. Then I was asked by my employers to come back and work for them, so I did. However, this time I worked more closely with one of my bosses and the more I got to know of him, the more I liked. I am 25 and single, but he is a fair bit older and is married with kids. I knew it was wrong to like him that way, so I kept it to myself and yes, we flirted, but it was innocent enough. Then earlier this year, I decided I missed home too much to stay just for my job and this guy I could never have. However, I wanted badly to tell him how I felt and since my "home" is very far away, I figured I'd never see him again, so what would be the harm in telling him how I felt?

 

He was very nice about it saying that he enjoyed flirting with me, but he never meant to lead me on. Things were fine, I was glad I told him and although I was a little disappointed I still left with a clean conscience since nothing happened between us. It was hard being away from him - I had grown so attached to him and had such strong feelings. We kept in touch almost daily with emails and text messages. Most of it was platonic but there were a few naughty things said. I got the impression that he was struggling with what was right and what was wrong. I know he loves his wife and they are happily married . . . but working so closely with someone, I think it is highly likely that he developed some feelings for me as well.

 

The major problem? After only 2 months the girl they hired to replace me at work didn't work out so well and she was fired. So, once again, I was asked to come back and help out, but this time it would only be temporary until a new girl is properly trained. So, now I am back here, face to face, with the boss I can’t stop thinking about. We are back to our old ways of flirting with each other and just this past Friday, we might have taken a new step. We stayed late after work and had an interesting conversation about sex. Not sex with each other, just our own experiences and whatnot. As we were leaving he said our talk had gotten him fired up. Luckily, he got to go home to his wife, but he felt bad for me that I had to fend for myself

 

I don’t know what to think. He gives me all the signs that he is into me, but maybe he just wants to be close friends. I don’t want to cause any trouble for his marriage, but I do like him very much and am extremely attracted to him. It is just so tempting being back here. Why did I have to tell him how I felt before leaving last time. Now that he knows how I feel and he’s only getting closer to me, it is almost too much to bear. I only have so much resistance before I’ll give in. I’m stuck here for another few months. What do I do?

[bentnotbroken]

"But" The word that is used by a number of us for those things that we know will land us in hot water or hurt someone else immeasurably. I wonder how many people have done that to you and if it was okay the pain it caused you. Didn't their "but" make it alright and feel so much better?

[woinlove]

Sally, I came to LS just at your stage - well, we never told each other of our feelings, but we were flirting and I was tempted. I didn't post my story, just read a lot on LS and it was enough to turn me off and decide not to go down that route. Read the stories of OW who didn't pull back before anything got started and maybe it will have the same effect on you. Or maybe not. I am older and had already been through the MM experience in my early 20's.

 

I don't recommend starting an affair to any prospective OW unless you don't care about him deceiving his W to be with you and you know for sure that you won't develop feelings for him. If either of those don't apply to you, then you almost certainly will regret it if you choose to go ahead. Or you might be the 1 in a 100 or so where the MM leaves his W in which case you are considered one of the "lucky" ones and you get to go through what will likely be an acrimonious divorce with him, with all the worrying about the effect on the children, and you then end up with an substantially older man who cheated on his previous wife, lost roughly half of his income/assets to divorce, and is a part-time father who feels guilty. Think about it.

[Sally522114]

LadyGrey: I know it could cost me a lot in the self-respect department. I have thought about this a lot. I normally consider myself to be a pretty good person so this is very hard for me. I didn't ask to fall for him and I honestly wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. You said something about him wanting to get in my knickers but I truly do not believe that he sees me as a piece of ass. I think we both have feelings that we shouldn't have and are trying to deal with them as best we can.

 

woinlove: I don't want to ruin his marriage or hurt anyone. I don't think it will come to that. I think more than anything, I just want him to tell me how he feels. He's shown me in every way, but he has never once said how he feels about me. I guess I just want to know that it isn't one sided - to know I'm not crazy. I'm pretty sure he would never actually cheat on his wife and that only makes me like him more. If he were trying to seduce me, that would completely turn me off . . . but since he appears to be as torn as I am, I think that should say something for him.

[woinlove]

LadyGrey: I know it could cost me a lot in the self-respect department. I have thought about this a lot. I normally consider myself to be a pretty good person so this is very hard for me. I didn't ask to fall for him and I honestly wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. You said something about him wanting to get in my knickers but I truly do not believe that he sees me as a piece of ass. I think we both have feelings that we shouldn't have and are trying to deal with them as best we can.

 

woinlove: I don't want to ruin his marriage or hurt anyone. I don't think it will come to that. I think more than anything, I just want him to tell me how he feels. He's shown me in every way, but he has never once said how he feels about me. I guess I just want to know that it isn't one sided - to know I'm not crazy. I'm pretty sure he would never actually cheat on his wife and that only makes me like him more. If he were trying to seduce me, that would completely turn me off . . . but since he appears to be as torn as I am, I think that should say something for him.

 

You are playing with fire. Talking sex and about intimate feelings with a MM, conversations which he presumably is keeping secret from his W, creates an intimate secret circle of two which can be very enticing and makes everything seem exaggerated.

 

It is difficult to do once you've already let things go this far, but if you could imagine him as single, say already divorced from his W for a year, so he's been dating a few people here and there and approaching you as a single, older man, it is completely different. You might have gone on an actual date or two before getting into the sex talk and talk about his feelings for ex's (the analogy to him already talking to you about his W). It's a different dynamic and lacks the appeal of someone who has a W at home whom he loves but he apparently just can't stop himself from sharing intimacies with you. Subconsciously, you probably think his feelings must be so overwhelming that he would distance himself from his W who he loves in order to share some sex talk or intimate talk with you. Really, it just shows an older man with an adoring young woman, a man who has been with his W for a while, has children, and is maybe a bit bored, having a MLC, is selfish, or whatever. A more creative and intelligent and healthy man would be thinking of clever sex talk and intimate games with his W or else he would be focussing on dealing with marital problems so they could either get back to thinking of intimate sex talk or could divorce so he could then pursue women like you.

 

Anyway, likely this doesn't mean much to you. Wouldn't have meant much to me in my early 20's with a much older MM where I was sure everything was different for the two of us. Actually, despite me definitely not wanting to affect MM's marriage, he actually left his W a few years later. Then I dumped him.

[whichwayisup]

LadyGrey: I know it could cost me a lot in the self-respect department. I have thought about this a lot. I normally consider myself to be a pretty good person so this is very hard for me. I didn't ask to fall for him and I honestly wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. You said something about him wanting to get in my knickers but I truly do not believe that he sees me as a piece of ass. I think we both have feelings that we shouldn't have and are trying to deal with them as best we can.

 

woinlove: I don't want to ruin his marriage or hurt anyone. I don't think it will come to that. I think more than anything, I just want him to tell me how he feels. He's shown me in every way, but he has never once said how he feels about me. I guess I just want to know that it isn't one sided - to know I'm not crazy. I'm pretty sure he would never actually cheat on his wife and that only makes me like him more. If he were trying to seduce me, that would completely turn me off . . . but since he appears to be as torn as I am, I think that should say something for him.

 

If you don't want to help him ruin his marriage or hurt anyone (his wife, kids and yourself!!) then don't take the job offer, don't go back.

 

Your ego wants to know. Fact is, you KNOW he isn't ever going to leave his wife and kids for you. Fact is, if you dangle it in front of him, the chances are very high that he'll take you up on some sex and fun. You have feelings for him, he is flirting and crossing lines, having some fun but that doesn't equate love or deep caring and affection. The guy has a life built with someone else. He has inlaws, family entwined, a history with his wife. Don't be that girl and put yourself as the OW. I take it you've read on here for a while so you know what you're up against. If you haven't, take time to really read about the pain and heartache that affairs cause. And many have regrets! Wish they chose a different path instead of jumping in and having that affair. Some don't regret and don't care about the pain, they go for it anyway. Is that you?

 

Also, this will change who you are. Your morals, don't lower them if you think affairs are wrong. Be strong and work hard on letting go and detaching. Don't let yourself think of this guy, he isn't yours to have.

 

Think ahead, not just in the now.

[Sally522114]

woinlove: You say a healthier man would be having these intimate sex talks with his wife, but he already does . . . I think he wants another woman's perspective as his wife is the only other woman he's ever discussed these things with. He is not a bad guy and their marriage is not on the rocks - everything is fine. He told me just the other day that their sex life is very active and they are both satisfied that way. Maybe you're right that he is just an older man with an adoring young woman, but I feel it is something more than that. Do you believe it could be possible for him to love his wife and have feelings for me as well?

 

LadyGrey: You ask why I need that confirmation from him. I think I want to know that my instincts are correct. Everything in me is telling me that he truly cares about me as more than just a friend and I want to know if I can trust that or if I'm completely off guard and he is just using me to stroke his ego.

 

whichwayisup: First, maybe I should clarify that I have already accepted the job offer and am back with my boss everyday. I'm trying not to "dangle it front of him" but I don't think it would just be "sex and fun" for either one of us. I do have morals and I do think affairs are wrong which is why this is tearing me up. I know I can't have "this" guy but I want another one like him. He is the kind of man I want to marry one day and I have not been able to find a "single" version of him.

[bentnotbroken]

woinlove: You say a healthier man would be having these intimate sex talks with his wife, but he already does . . . I think he wants another woman's perspective as his wife is the only other woman he's ever discussed these things with. He is not a bad guy and their marriage is not on the rocks - everything is fine. He told me just the other day that their sex life is very active and they are both satisfied that way. Maybe you're right that he is just an older man with an adoring young woman, but I feel it is something more than that. Do you believe it could be possible for him to love his wife and have feelings for me as well?

 

LadyGrey: You ask why I need that confirmation from him. I think I want to know that my instincts are correct. Everything in me is telling me that he truly cares about me as more than just a friend and I want to know if I can trust that or if I'm completely off guard and he is just using me to stroke his ego.

 

whichwayisup: First, maybe I should clarify that I have already accepted the job offer and am back with my boss everyday. I'm trying not to "dangle it front of him" but I don't think it would just be "sex and fun" for either one of us. I do have morals and I do think affairs are wrong which is why this is tearing me up. I know I can't have "this" guy but I want another one like him. He is the kind of man I want to marry one day and I have not been able to find a "single" version of him.

 

 

So you want a man who will cheat on you. Are you going to advertise that when searching? Just for the record, flirting with you is breaking his vow to forsake all others.

[woinlove]

woinlove: You say a healthier man would be having these intimate sex talks with his wife, but he already does . . . I think he wants another woman's perspective as his wife is the only other woman he's ever discussed these things with. He is not a bad guy and their marriage is not on the rocks - everything is fine. He told me just the other day that their sex life is very active and they are both satisfied that way. Maybe you're right that he is just an older man with an adoring young woman, but I feel it is something more than that. Do you believe it could be possible for him to love his wife and have feelings for me as well?

 

 

Yes, it's possible. I'm in an open M and love my H very much but can develop feelings for another man. However, we discuss all those and chose to act in a way which we are both comfortable and happy with. If MM is doing anything he is hiding his W, then he has problems being in a committed M. That's what I meant about being healthier or more honest.

 

But the feelings one develops for another is different when one is already committed and in love with your spouse. It is not the same as single person feelings, which can be more open ended.

[wannabdone]

Hi Sally....

 

Just a thought.... here are some things I picked up on in your posts:

 

-"He was very nice about it saying that he enjoyed flirting with me, but he never meant to lead me on."

-"I know he loves his wife and they are happily married ". . .

-"We stayed late after work and had an interesting conversation about sex."

-"He is not a bad guy and their marriage is not on the rocks - everything is fine."

-"He told me just the other day that their sex life is very active and they are both satisfied that way"

 

So, correct me if I am wrong. You have told him how you felt, and his response was he didn't mean to lead you on. He has told you on more than one occassion that his marriage is great and he loves his wife, and that they have a wonderful sex life.

The other night, when you stayed late, your conversations didn't have anything to do with him proclaiming his affection for you, it was about sex.

So... my question is.... where do you even get a hint that this man has feelings for you???? Sex and feelings are two totally different things for guys, you know that. It seems like you have grown to have very much of a fondness for this guy, and you are just hoping and waiting for him to tell you that in return, however he's not. He's telling you quite the opposite. How he loves his wife and they are great together, but we can talk about sex. So, not only does it show he doesn't share the same feelings you do, it very clearly shows he most defintely wants to get in your knickers. And he's a man, why would he not? A young, beautiful woman is sitting there panting over him and he knows how she feels, and we all know how the story goes from there. He will very much bed you, but I think you are hoping for more. And you're not going to get it. So, when you say you want him to tell you how he feels.....are you really expecting from this that he is going to tell you that he has feelings for you?

 

- "Why did I have to tell him how I felt before leaving last time."

 

You told him how you felt, because you were hoping he would feel the same way. That makes total sense, when we are falling for someone, its natural to want to know they have the same feelings.

 

- "Maybe you're right that he is just an older man with an adoring young woman, but I feel it is something more than that. Do you believe it could be possible for him to love his wife and have feelings for me as well?"

No, sweetie. I'm sorry, I just can't get from these posts anywhere that he does have feelings for you, other than lust.

 

I am seriously not trying to hurt your feelings, but unless I am missing something, and if I am please help me or someone else help me see it.... I just don't understand why you are getting that he has feelings for you.

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup: First, maybe I should clarify that I have already accepted the job offer and am back with my boss everyday. I'm trying not to "dangle it front of him" but I don't think it would just be "sex and fun" for either one of us. I do have morals and I do think affairs are wrong which is why this is tearing me up. I know I can't have "this" guy but I want another one like him. He is the kind of man I want to marry one day and I have not been able to find a "single" version of him

.

 

You will never find that guy as long as you're with your MM boss. No way will your heart or mind allow you to get close, let alone feel anything for anybody else as long as you have feelings for him and seeing him daily.

 

If you want a life with someone, have a family, you need to gather the strength and end it with him. Otherwise, you'll be the OW for a long time and miss out on opportunties and one day regret that.

[Sally522114]

bentnotbroken: No, of course, I don't want a man who is going to cheat on me. What I meant is that I want a man who makes me laugh and is fun to be around. Someone who is intelligent and witty and cute. I say cute because he might not be what some girls would consider handsome, but he definitely is in my book and that may just be because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm obviously smitten. The flirting I've mentioned is quite harmless and his wife has witnessed it on occasions when she comes to the office so that is not being hidden from her. She also knows that we kept in touch while I was home. She was a little hurt that he was so close with another woman, but they discussed it and she trusts him. We haven't done much that she doesn't know about, other than the fact that we've talked about sex.

 

wannabdone: You seem to think he feels nothing for me. Maybe he doesn't or maybe I just haven't described the situation properly. First, I think it is worth noting that if he were just some scumbag guy than he would have already jumped at the chance to have sex with me . . . so his struggling with this situation has got to stand for something. He does care for me, at least as a friend, if nothing else. He is very kind and considerate. He knows it is hard on me being away from my family and he is one of the only people at work who takes the time to get to know me and ask me questions about my life and what is going on back home. I've been thinking over some of the other things I was going to point out, but you would probably write most of them off as being just lust on his part, so what is the point? I guess I'm feeling a little sad that everyone is so quick to assume he is an awful guy.

[Sally522114]

.

 

You will never find that guy as long as you're with your MM boss. No way will your heart or mind allow you to get close, let alone feel anything for anybody else as long as you have feelings for him and seeing him daily.

 

If you want a life with someone, have a family, you need to gather the strength and end it with him. Otherwise, you'll be the OW for a long time and miss out on opportunties and one day regret that.

 

The other thing to keep in mind is that I will only be around him for another 2 or 3 months and then I am going home for good. Never to see him again. I see no point in looking for another guy here since I'm leaving anyway. Once I am home, I intend to find a decent, single guy and settle down. And there's not really much to "end" with him right now, other than a couple maybe not so appropriate conversations. We've done nothing else and probably won't do anything else, so I'm not sure that I'm the OW just yet.

[TurboGirl]

You KNOW its wrong! Hello!

 

I take it that you have read enough here to see the pain and heartbreak you would be letting yourself in for if you become involved with a MM. Not to mention, the risk of STD, possible embarassment when others find out and just think about this - how would you feel about yourself? You already admitted you know it's wrong.

 

Disaster is written everywhere here. You seem like you are very young, so I suggest that you keep this MM at a distance, quit with the flirty texts and talks. Sorry, but it makes you appear like you are "available" and don't you want to set your standards higher than a MM, who already belongs to someone else? If you keep up the sexy chat and being too friendly, it will escalate. Then you will have something to cry about when you leave there in 2-3 months.

[wannabdone]

wannabdone: You seem to think he feels nothing for me. Maybe he doesn't or maybe I just haven't described the situation properly. First, I think it is worth noting that if he were just some scumbag guy than he would have already jumped at the chance to have sex with me . . . so his struggling with this situation has got to stand for something. He does care for me, at least as a friend, if nothing else. He is very kind and considerate. He knows it is hard on me being away from my family and he is one of the only people at work who takes the time to get to know me and ask me questions about my life and what is going on back home. I've been thinking over some of the other things I was going to point out, but you would probably write most of them off as being just lust on his part, so what is the point? I guess I'm feeling a little sad that everyone is so quick to assume he is an awful guy.

 

 

Sally, I've re-read all the posts and never saw anyone say he was an awful guy. And I never stated that he feels nothing for you as you say. I said that I don't think he has the same kind of feelings that you have for him. That is a huge difference than saying he feels nothing for you. He obviously enjoys your company. I'm sorry, I sincerely wish I could tell you what you want to hear. But, just seeing that he has made it as you made it a point in your posts to say he is happily married and loves his wife, and then the way you speak about him, wanting to marry someone like him, etc. It is beyond apparent that you are feeling something different that he is. Let me ask you this.... do you think he is on a forum posting about you? Do you think he is telling people that he wishes he had a spouse exactly like you? Again, I am really not trying to hurt your feelings. I promise. I just feel like you are getting upset because no one is saying what you want to hear.

 

I am sure he is very sweet and compasionate. I don't deny that at all. But sweet, compasionate, what have you, he is a man. And you put a man around a young woman, who obviously stated through actions and words has feelings for him, both emotionally and physcially AND combine that with he enjoys your company.... he will have no issue having sex with you. Doesn't make him good or bad.... it just makes him a man. Plain and simple.

 

Please remember, most of people talking to you have been there, done that. Speaking from experience, and trying to stop and make you check it before you wreck it.

 

Your experience is different than mine, in the aspect that my xMM didn't talk to me about sexual things at all, until we had already both told eachother we loved eachother deeply. So, I really don't know what kind of "friends" talk about such things, unless they have the want and desire to do sleep with eachother. Now, you have been very open here that you feel deeply for this man.... not to come back to a point I already brought up, but so deeply for this man, that you imagine yourself spending your life with someone like him. That speaks volumes to me as to how you feel for him. However, he has not said the same thing to you, but he has told you his love and adoration for his wife, however he will talk to you about sex. So the only thing I can gather from this is you feel much deeper for him than he does for you, you sexual desire for him far exceeds just lust, but does his?

 

Just because he hasn't bed you yet, does not mean he isn't a scum bag. NOW, I AM NOT SAYING HE IS. But when you are older, you look at things differently Meaning you have a lot more to lose. He would frankly be a huge idiot if he slept with someone suddenly that worked under him. He could stand to lose his job, his family, everything. People do tend to take those things very seriously. I'm not saying these are the reasons that he hasn't, he very well might just really respect you, but I think its something you need to look at as maybe a reason. Also, I'm sorry.... how much older is he than you. Because if one of my ee's came to me and told me that felt anything other than friendship and employee/ee feelings, I would cut them lose. You said he is fair older that you, I don't know what a fair is. For example, I am 40, being that age, I could not imagine really carrying on a conversation with a 25 year old guy. What could I have in common with him? There is such a huge maturity gap. I don't know what your age difference is, it would probably help the situation if you spoke on that.

 

I know you say he is respectful and caring, and you also mentioned that "The flirting I've mentioned is quite harmless ".... let me ask you this... do you think his wife would think that it was harmless for her husband to text message another woman, which you have said was platonic most of the time, but sometimes it wasn't.... do you think she would find it harmless or even respectful or caring of him to stay late at work talking about sex with another woman, and it makes not a bit of difference if it was sex talk about you and him or him and her....it was sex talk.

 

Again, not trying to hurt your feelings. Its hard to not look at things for what they are, when our heart is involved. I just don't want to see you walk so blindly into something and end up getting hurt. I just don't want to see you carry a flame for someone who might or might not be playing you. I don't know this guy from adam, he might be the greatest man in the world and might really be struggling with taking it to the next level with you. Either way.... if he is and he ends up doing anything... you will be devasted in the end, this I promise. I hear the undertones of how you feel, you think thats gonna go away or not get deeper if you sleep with him? Hell no, its gonna get deeper, and he is happily married, and that is when you will feel hurt, hurt like you have never felt before. I am not trying to harm you with my words, I am trying to help you wake up and see if you continue the amount of heartache you are up agaisnt. I would not wish 1/25th of the pain I have had over my A, on anyone....not even my worse enemy.

 

In the end, you are going to do what you want. I get that. I just wish I would have had someone telling me this when I was your age. I could at least then said "well they told me so".

 

Just be cautious. You are already in very deep with your heart.

 

Keep posting, no matter what it is. Because I promise, in a while when you think back over these, you will see that they weren't as bad as you had originally taken them as.

 

So, can I ask.... what support do you need? I will try to help you in whatever way I can, I just can't call something a heart when its an spade.

 

good luck to you sweetie. Please keep posting, okay?

[wannabdone]

You KNOW its wrong! Hello!

 

I take it that you have read enough here to see the pain and heartbreak you would be letting yourself in for if you become involved with a MM. Not to mention, the risk of STD, possible embarassment when others find out and just think about this - how would you feel about yourself? You already admitted you know it's wrong.

 

Disaster is written everywhere here. You seem like you are very young, so I suggest that you keep this MM at a distance, quit with the flirty texts and talks. Sorry, but it makes you appear like you are "available" and don't you want to set your standards higher than a MM, who already belongs to someone else? If you keep up the sexy chat and being too friendly, it will escalate. Then you will have something to cry about when you leave there in 2-3 months.

 

Young, but not so young. I agree with your turbo.

 

Sally girl.... just one more thing I forgot to add in my earlier post, You know what flirty texts and talks do. Instead of asking yourself "why did I tell him", I think the bigger question is why did you take the assignment back into the office of the man you told these feelings to. It just really seems to all add up to me that you might be desperately seeking that he has the same feelings for him that you do for him.

 

When you read in between the lines ... ( and I know its hard to put everything into a post and there are gaps in all of ours, so i know I could be calling things wrong).... but it kind of seems like you might be chasing him a little bit? Not discounting that he should have shut your texts and convo's down and he should have put an end to this, but it really does seem that you really want to hear him say he feels for you the way you do for him. So when you left was it him that continued to contact you? How did after you tell him that you had these feelings and then he said "sorry, I mislead you", then did he turn around and start texting you??? How did that start?

 

Can you talk to your feelings, honestly? I know you said you like him, etc. But I think your feelings are way more than that.

[TheMongoose]

What if he did tell you he had feelings for you? Where would you go from there? That would just make things worse! Think about it, if your working late one night and he told you he had all these feelings for you what would your response be? You'd most likely do something that you would regret, i just cant see any other way around it. Its not like you can say thank you thats all i wanted from you? You seem like a caring and smart person, do you really think if he told you he had feelings for you as well that would help you feel better about not being with him? And if you ended up doing anything or not doing anything after he told you about his feelings that wouldnt be ackward working with him afterwards?

 

As for the sex talk, depending on how much older he really is, it could possibly not be as big of a deal as people are making it out to be. Younger people are more open about sex then it used to be. Sex is talked about almost everyday at my work, whether its the single people pathetic attempts to get picked up or pick up girls or the married peoples lack of sex or girlfriends who want sex too much. Its not a big deal to talk about sex for younger people. There's always at least one person with a funny story about sex, it could really be nothing if hes not much older besides a unprofessional discussion between a boss and his employee.

[RainDown]

bentnotbroken: No, of course, I don't want a man who is going to cheat on me. What I meant is that I want a man who makes me laugh and is fun to be around. Someone who is intelligent and witty and cute. I say cute because he might not be what some girls would consider handsome, but he definitely is in my book and that may just be because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm obviously smitten. The flirting I've mentioned is quite harmless and his wife has witnessed it on occasions when she comes to the office so that is not being hidden from her. She also knows that we kept in touch while I was home. She was a little hurt that he was so close with another woman, but they discussed it and she trusts him. We haven't done much that she doesn't know about, other than the fact that we've talked about sex.

 

wannabdone: You seem to think he feels nothing for me. Maybe he doesn't or maybe I just haven't described the situation properly. First, I think it is worth noting that if he were just some scumbag guy than he would have already jumped at the chance to have sex with me . . . so his struggling with this situation has got to stand for something. He does care for me, at least as a friend, if nothing else. He is very kind and considerate. He knows it is hard on me being away from my family and he is one of the only people at work who takes the time to get to know me and ask me questions about my life and what is going on back home. I've been thinking over some of the other things I was going to point out, but you would probably write most of them off as being just lust on his part, so what is the point? I guess I'm feeling a little sad that everyone is so quick to assume he is an awful guy.

 

And that is why you stop it. Your flirtation with this woman's husband is not harmless and she is hurt and uncomfortable about it. You've said yourself that these two are happily married, and in the title of your post even you admit that what you are doing is wrong. You've brought discomfort and hurt into this man's previously happy marriage and there is no "but" that makes that OK.

 

I know you are curious to know exactly what he feels for you, but I think you should take the high road on this one and just leave it alone. He's married, he's happy, she's happy and it's not fair for you to interfere with that just because you're attracted to him and curious about how he feels about you.

 

I suggest you go to work, do your job, stop flirting with him, and when the job is finished go home and have no further contact with him. This is exactly how most affairs start and if you keep on the way you are going this is going to just get messier.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you do the right thing.

[woinlove]

bentnotbroken: No, of course, I don't want a man who is going to cheat on me. What I meant is that I want a man who makes me laugh and is fun to be around. Someone who is intelligent and witty and cute. I say cute because he might not be what some girls would consider handsome, but he definitely is in my book and that may just be because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'm obviously smitten. The flirting I've mentioned is quite harmless and his wife has witnessed it on occasions when she comes to the office so that is not being hidden from her. She also knows that we kept in touch while I was home. She was a little hurt that he was so close with another woman, but they discussed it and she trusts him. We haven't done much that she doesn't know about, other than the fact that we've talked about sex.

 

 

Re the bolded: why doesn't his W know you talked about sex? Is he hiding this because she doesn't want him talking about sex with you? Do you think he deserves his wife's trust?

[Woman In Blue]

Friday, we might have taken a new step. We stayed late after work and had an interesting conversation about sex. Not sex with each other, just our own experiences and whatnot. As we were leaving he said our talk had gotten him fired up. Luckily, he got to go home to his wife, but he felt bad for me that I had to fend for myself

Ewwww. A middle-aged man talking to a young 25 year old about completely INAPPROPRIATE things like sex - how attractive. Then the letch lets it spill that he's "fired up." That has a gag factor of 12+.

 

It would appear Mr. Midlife Crisis is getting off on having a young girlie adore him. I think it's safe to say that all his "feelings" for you are below the belt. Don't you find that SO terribly flattering? Jeez.

[wannabdone]

Ewwww. A middle-aged man talking to a young 25 year old about completely INAPPROPRIATE things like sex - how attractive. Then the letch lets it spill that he's "fired up." That has a gag factor of 12+.

 

It would appear Mr. Midlife Crisis is getting off on having a young girlie adore him. I think it's safe to say that all his "feelings" for you are below the belt. Don't you find that SO terribly flattering? Jeez.

 

 

WIB.... That was exactly the point I was getting at. Why in the hell would a 40 year old man have anything in common with a 25 year old.

 

BUT, If you read her post, her original posts back from Jan..... she has been pretty much saying this for almost a year. She likes him, he jokes with her, is nice to her and talks about sex. So, I am curious as to what the sex talks really intail.

 

I would like everyone to read her original post and see if i'm off the mark here, as I don't want to make an assumption. But she really does seem to be the pursuer. She made it a point to start touching him at work, etc. And was battling telling him how she felt. Her posts in Jan seem to be very much as they are now with she is sure he has the same feelings for her as she does him. Everyone advised her to NOT tell him and just move on. Well she didn't.... and now here she is 8 months later. With the same delimina.... thinking he has the same feelings for her that she does. And using the excuse that she will leave in a couple months. That seems to be her fall back answer for her actions. "well I'm leaving shortly, so it doesn't matter ...."

 

I hope I am wrong, and hope i'm misreading this. But my gut before I read the previous posts was that she seemed to be chasing him.... but after reading them, I feel like that probably is the case.

 

This middle aged MM should not be talking to a young woman (who by the way is 15 years younger than her) about sex. But, was it really that, or was it that she has somehow brought it up to him? I'm just trying to figure out what is real here. Because her actions and the if you read in between the lines.... just are adding up.

 

Would anyone else read her previous posts and see what your thoughts are?

 

Again, Marie..... I bet you are a beautiful, talented, young woman. I do want to help you. I'm just not for sure what is really going on.

[country_gurl]

LadyGrey: I know it could cost me a lot in the self-respect department. I have thought about this a lot. I normally consider myself to be a pretty good person so this is very hard for me. I didn't ask to fall for him and I honestly wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. You said something about him wanting to get in my knickers but I truly do not believe that he sees me as a piece of ass. I think we both have feelings that we shouldn't have and are trying to deal with them as best we can.

 

woinlove: I don't want to ruin his marriage or hurt anyone. I don't think it will come to that. I think more than anything, I just want him to tell me how he feels. He's shown me in every way, but he has never once said how he feels about me. I guess I just want to know that it isn't one sided - to know I'm not crazy. I'm pretty sure he would never actually cheat on his wife and that only makes me like him more. If he were trying to seduce me, that would completely turn me off . . . but since he appears to be as torn as I am, I think that should say something for him.

 

Why on earth do you so badly need for him to tell you how he feels? He is an older married man whose ego is being majorly stroked/boosted because a young single girl is giving him attention and having inappropriate discussions with him (yes: you having talks about sex with someone's HUSBAND is completely inappropriate, no matter how you slice it).

 

It was extremely immoral and unethical for you to confess your feelings to a married man, regardless of your belief that you'd never see him again. That's just tacky and inappropriate. How would you feel if you were married to a man and some young employee was there at work with him and confessing her feelings to him? Stop thinking about yourself and think about his wife for one minute.

 

You are nothing but a convenient ego boost to him. And if you think he's got some great respect for you and sees you as more than a piece of ass, think again. He sees you as a fun little distraction and most definitely not anything more than that.

 

If he was the good man/husband that you pretend he is, he would have set you very straight when you confessed your feelings to him in the first place and pointed out the obvious to you; that not only is he your boss but he is someone's HUSBAND and that your confession was inappropriate and unacceptable.

[country_gurl]

WIB.... That was exactly the point I was getting at. Why in the hell would a 40 year old man have anything in common with a 25 year old.

 

BUT, If you read her post, her original posts back from Jan..... she has been pretty much saying this for almost a year. She likes him, he jokes with her, is nice to her and talks about sex. So, I am curious as to what the sex talks really intail.

 

I would like everyone to read her original post and see if i'm off the mark here, as I don't want to make an assumption. But she really does seem to be the pursuer. She made it a point to start touching him at work, etc. And was battling telling him how she felt. Her posts in Jan seem to be very much as they are now with she is sure he has the same feelings for her as she does him. Everyone advised her to NOT tell him and just move on. Well she didn't.... and now here she is 8 months later. With the same delimina.... thinking he has the same feelings for her that she does. And using the excuse that she will leave in a couple months. That seems to be her fall back answer for her actions. "well I'm leaving shortly, so it doesn't matter ...."

 

I hope I am wrong, and hope i'm misreading this. But my gut before I read the previous posts was that she seemed to be chasing him.... but after reading them, I feel like that probably is the case.

 

This middle aged MM should not be talking to a young woman (who by the way is 15 years younger than her) about sex. But, was it really that, or was it that she has somehow brought it up to him? I'm just trying to figure out what is real here. Because her actions and the if you read in between the lines.... just are adding up.

 

Would anyone else read her previous posts and see what your thoughts are?

 

Again, Marie..... I bet you are a beautiful, talented, young woman. I do want to help you. I'm just not for sure what is really going on.

 

^^^^I see in your response above you called the OP "Marie." I have to admit that when I read her post here, it reminded me of the posts here of late by someone named Marie Callender; a 25 yr old having an affair with her older boss, having ended a relationship around the time she started flirting with the boss, "going back home", etc...............only in that situation the poster swore up and down that her boss doesn't have any kids.........but here, "Sally" claims that he does.

 

Marie's post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295837/

[wannabdone]

^^^^I see in your response above you called the OP "Marie." I have to admit that when I read her post here, it reminded me of the posts here of late by someone named Marie Callender; a 25 yr old having an affair with her older boss, having ended a relationship around the time she started flirting with the boss, "going back home", etc...............only in that situation the poster swore up and down that her boss doesn't have any kids.........but here, "Sally" claims that he does.

 

Marie's post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295837/

 

CG....

 

Oh wow.... I didn't even realize I had put Marie.... I meant Sally. I uess it somehow did remind me of Marie, or I wouldn't have put that.

 

Sally, actually does have older post from Jan.... read those!!!

[woinlove]

Okay, I went back and read Sally's earlier thread.

 

Sally, it seems you have been lusting over your short, balding, married with kids, much older boss for close to 3 years, despite you being close to his entire family and despite him basically telling you he's not interested. Now you say you know he would never cheat but you'd just like him to say he has some feelings for you anyway before you move away and don't see him ever again. So what then - you pine away for another 3 years on the fantasy of this man having said something about having some feelings for you?

 

Please wake up!!! This is your life and you are letting it pass you by. Never mind the fact that the family you said you are close to doesn't deserve some young worker spending all this time thinking of ways to touch their husband and father or trying to make him say something that can fuel your fantasy some more. Think about yourself. You could be out living a real life instead of dwelling on fantasies of this short, balding, older man and his wife.

 

My advice is to follow your boss' advice on enjoying your 20's and focussing on living a full, rich life, getting to know some people who are single like yourself. If you do any more confessing, reaching out suggestively, etc with your boss, you are likely to just hurt your professional reputation. You've already made the first move a few times, and even the most dense or shy of men would have got your message by now.

Edited September 6, 2011 by woinlove