I know it's wrong but . . .

[wannabdone]

I went back and read it too.

 

OP if you do something that you already feel is wrong on some level it will be something that you will have to live with and regret for the rest of your life. I know you don't get that now, but you will. (Speaks from experience here;)).

 

This is going to sound harsh but something inside of you is broken because you seem desperate to get this man's validation that he cares for you. Truthfully I don't think he does other than a casual care that one might feel for a casual friend. More importantly you both are feeding off of each other, playing a dangerous little game, with the sex talk, the flirtation, the ego strokes, the cat and mouse game you both are playing. I also hate to say it, but I think what you are looking for here is a go ahead to make your move. I think you want to lay it out on the table with him and the main thing holding you back is your fear of rejection, other than that you'd already be lovers. This is what I get from your posts.

 

I also don't really think you care that much if you hurt his wife, sure it's in there somewhere but you want what you want and the damage you will do is secondary. We can all say we care about the wife and we may to some degree but going ahead with it, proves when it all is said and done, you don't really give a flying fig about much of nothing but what you want.

 

It's already been said many times by many people, but if you do this, you are making a big mistake but I think you probably aren't going to heed the warnings. I hope you prove us wrong.

 

 

Okay good.... so I'm not crazy here. Just reading this thread, it got an underlying feeling she was doing a lot of the pursuing, but when I read the old ones last night, it confirmed it.

 

But, LG.... Remember, she already did lay it out on the table, last time before she moved away, and his response was "sorry, I mislead you." She laid it out, he rejected it. Even though he is definitely allowing her to chase him.

 

But, then after he says that she moves, and keeps texting him, and THEN when given the opportunity to come back....there she goes. And asks "why did I tell him".... thats why I said she shouldn't be asking herself that....my question is WHY DID SHE GO BACK? That step alone shows she's pursing him. And then with her quotes on the last one how she had started touching him, etc. She knows dang good and well what shes doing.

 

But, I agree.... she needs to look at why she is doing this. Why chase down someone elses husband? She could probably find a million other guys. Why a bald, short, middle aged man???

 

Working for a family owned company.... does she think she will keep her job? If she continues, and lines are crossed, I fear the worse for her. He will shut her out faster than she can say boo, and this 3 year very unhealthy crush will devaste her, and I promise she will be removed from that company. So, she will be jobless, and hurt.

 

Again, I don't see one thing that makes her thing, although she keeps saying she just wants him to say what she thinks he feeling, that he does. He has had 3 years to tell this girl that he is madly in love with her, and he wants her and he has yet to do it. Even after she told him how she felt. So, again, am I missing something??? I just have not seen one shread of evidence that this guy is "into her", other than the possiblity of him getting his ego struck, and possibly having sex with a young lady.

[wannabdone]

Really good points and I hope she pays attention. No you aren't missing a thing.

 

If she goes on with this, she is going to be exactly the ow that all the wife's hate. I'm not buying the claims of innocence here, she knows exactly what she is doing, she is just afraid of being rejected. The op is doing more of the pursuing here than the mm is.

 

A lot of men his age aren't going to turn down what she is offering but she doesn't get that he will spit her out and chew her up when it's over. Loss of job and reputation, yes it will happen plus she will get her heart broken. He has made it clear to her that he values his marriage by telling her that he has good sex with his wife and that it's a good marriage. He is not so subtly telling her to never expect more than just an affair. Sure he'll future fake a bit to stroke her ego, but he won't leave his marriage. He is making it clear to her that it would be just a little fun on the side.

 

 

Exactly!!!! But, I think she knows she will be the OW, and that is her intent. Something tells me that her feelings are if she can be the OW, she can at somepoint pursuade him to fall in love with her and be with her. I know anyone seeing a MM is essentially the OW, but I don't see it being anything more for him than a roll in the hay. Certainly not being the OW, where they have a long lastin relationship and he is torn on leaving his wife. Agreed?

 

I'm with you about not buying the claim of inncocence. The posts seems to show a very deliberate and thought out plan on getting this guys attention. She purposely started touching him, texting him, talking about sex. Any one over the age of 4 knows what all of that means. This is by no means a woman who has woke up and realized she is madly in love with someone. This is someone who developed a crush, see's what she wants and is going after it.

 

I promise you, I am the last person who will not be sympathetic to someone. I know we are all just screwed up and trying to survive, and we all do stupid things. But, the role she is claiming to take and her posts.... just don't add up.

[Sally522114]

When I was home for lunch today, I didn't even have time to think about eating. I didn't realize there would be so many new posts and strong opinions. I just finished re-reading everything and jotted down some points I wanted to touch on. If I've left anything out, please feel free to ask.

 

One of the first things I came across was the issue of age difference, yes, he is almost 40 and I am 25. My entire life, I have always gotten along well with people older than myself. I think I've been mature (in a lot of ways - but not all) since a very young age. I was basically forced to take care of myself when I was child. I'm not saying this to get your sympathy. I'm just saying that I grew up fast. I was a good kid - never partied or anything like that - I was responsible from a young age. I also consider myself bright and intelligent so why would I not have a few things in common with an older man? I think it's normal. I'm not sure if you'll think this is sick or something, but he actually has said numerous times that I remind him of his wife. That I challenge him the way she does and frustrates him (not sexually) the way she does. I've heard people use the term "office-wife" and I kind of feel like that is what I am to him.

 

Then there is the issue of who started talking about sex first? Honestly, him. He would always ask me about my weekends and would want details - not that there was ever much to tell. Yes, I was the one who started the touching, but long before that he was the one jokingly asking me to give him a massage. I was kind of shocked when people were calling me the pursuer. But maybe I needed that shock to come back to reality. I guess I did know what I was doing but since it all happened so slowly I didn't realize how agressive I might look to an outsider. After I told him how I felt - HE was the one who told me to stay in touch. Quite honestly, I thought we'd never speak again.

 

Which brings me to my next point. I'm sorry. Knowing that I am leaving soon is not an excuse to say or do anything with this man and I do know better.

 

Why did I come back? It was NOT to pursue him, whether you believe it or not. I actually debated long and hard about that decision, for many reasons. I've heard it said many times before that no one is indispensible and everyone can be replaced. I agree. However, the one girl that replaced me messed up pretty badly and since no one knows their books inside and out like I do, they were quite desparate to have me back. In the end, I wanted to help and made sure everyone understood this would only be temporary before I agreed to return.

 

A lot of people have mentioned that I could lose my job. I don't mean to sound callous, but that is not a concern of mine - I would just go home. The more pressing issue is that everyone keeps saying that he will never leave his wife for me and I am deluding myself by thinking that one day he will fall in love with me and leave her. I guess I'm the exception because never once have I wanted or said that I wanted him to leave his wife. I'm happy that he is happy. I want him to stay with his wife. I fully intend to return home - and that WILL happen.

 

After reading everyone's comments I've come to see more clearly how I've been instigating and aiding in the progression of this affair. Honestly, yes, I am tempted to sleep with him. Do I think I could live with myself after? It would be hard as it would be going against a lot of what I believe in. I used to consider myself to be quite selfless - would help almost anyone with almost anything . . . but this crush (for lack of a better word) has shown me just how selfish I can be.

[wannabdone]

Sally522114;3611940]When I was home for lunch today, I didn't even have time to think about eating. I didn't realize there would be so many new posts and strong opinions. I just finished re-reading everything and jotted down some points I wanted to touch on. If I've left anything out, please feel free to ask.[/b]

 

One of the first things I came across was the issue of age difference, yes, he is almost 40 and I am 25. My entire life, I have always gotten along well with people older than myself. I think I've been mature (in a lot of ways - but not all) since a very young age. I was basically forced to take care of myself when I was child. I'm not saying this to get your sympathy. I'm just saying that I grew up fast. I was a good kid - never partied or anything like that - I was responsible from a young age. I also consider myself bright and intelligent so why would I not have a few things in common with an older man? I think it's normal. I'm not sure if you'll think this is sick or something, but he actually has said numerous times that I remind him of his wife. That I challenge him the way she does and frustrates him (not sexually) the way she does. I've heard people use the term "office-wife" and I kind of feel like that is what I am to him.

 

Then there is the issue of who started talking about sex first? Honestly, him. He would always ask me about my weekends and would want details - not that there was ever much to tell. Yes, I was the one who started the touching, but long before that he was the one jokingly asking me to give him a massage. I was kind of shocked when people were calling me the pursuer. But maybe I needed that shock to come back to reality. I guess I did know what I was doing but since it all happened so slowly I didn't realize how agressive I might look to an outsider. After I told him how I felt - HE was the one who told me to stay in touch. Quite honestly, I thought we'd never speak again.

 

Which brings me to my next point. I'm sorry. Knowing that I am leaving soon is not an excuse to say or do anything with this man and I do know better.

 

Why did I come back? It was NOT to pursue him, whether you believe it or not. I actually debated long and hard about that decision, for many reasons. I've heard it said many times before that no one is indispensible and everyone can be replaced. I agree. However, the one girl that replaced me messed up pretty badly and since no one knows their books inside and out like I do, they were quite desparate to have me back. In the end, I wanted to help and made sure everyone understood this would only be temporary before I agreed to return.

 

A lot of people have mentioned that I could lose my job. I don't mean to sound callous, but that is not a concern of mine - I would just go home. The more pressing issue is that everyone keeps saying that he will never leave his wife for me and I am deluding myself by thinking that one day he will fall in love with me and leave her. I guess I'm the exception because never once have I wanted or said that I wanted him to leave his wife. I'm happy that he is happy. I want him to stay with his wife. I fully intend to return home - and that WILL happen.

 

After reading everyone's comments I've come to see more clearly how I've been instigating and aiding in the progression of this affair. Honestly, yes, I am tempted to sleep with him. Do I think I could live with myself after? It would be hard as it would be going against a lot of what I believe in. I used to consider myself to be quite selfless - would help almost anyone with almost anything . . . but this crush (for lack of a better word) has shown me just how selfish I can be.

 

Thx Sally.... I sure wish I could figure out this multi quote thing.... dang.... don't know what my deal is. There is somethings I would like to point out..... to help you think a little more. Again, I know things seem harsh, and thats not my intention.

 

One the age thing..... I do think no matter how "matture" you are that a 40 year old would be intersted into hanging out and talking to a 25 year old. I'm sorry. Unless they have something else in mind. I know you say your matture.... and you basically raised yourself. So, did you have a father figure? And you know where I am going with this. I know you didn't bring that up for sympathy..... but you really need to take a long hard look at your childhood and things that might have molded you in a way that you are wanting things that potentially can be bad for you.

 

I have no doubt that you are a bright and intellegent woman!!! Do you really know that??? Because you are sure determined to sell yourself short.

 

Okay...now on to something else I noticed..... this is like the 4th of 5th time, you have some how connected him or yourself into eachothers spouses. Meaning, your first post spoke on how you would want to marry someone like him (tying him in your mind as a spouse), now you have mentioned that he has said you are like his wife (again tying you to him in your mind as a spouse) and then the comment as being his "office wife", and then the big red flag with this statement I KIND OF FEEL LIKE THAT IS WHAT I AM TO HIM....do you see what I'm saying.? With all of these statments that I really feel and it is my feeling is your true feelings for this man, I am sorry, I don't buy that you don't want him to leave his wife. I just don't. Maybe you tell yourself that to be okay, I don't know. But you have wanted him and pursued him (and yes he has you too), and spoke of him too highly and with all these statments, don't show me a woman who WANTS HIM TO STAY WITH HIS WIFE. So, if he came to you and said "i love you, I just filed for D, It should be finalized in 6 months, and then I want to start a life with you, I want you to have my babies and be my partner", that you would turn to him and say "I want you to stay with your wife". I mean come on, Sally. Who do you think you are talking to on this forum????

 

Okay, he started talking sex with you from like, the get go???? Before you had feelings for him??? Did you not at all think that was weird??? That he was asking to massage you didn't come acoss a slight big odd??? And you claim he is such a wonderful man??? I again, want to ask you.... does that sound too wonderful to you?? That such a respectful man, who is so happily married talks about sex with a woman half his age, and wants to massage her??? Sounds like a huge douche to me. Also sounds like someone who has probably done this multiple times before. This isn't a case were two people worked together and became friends and develeoped feelings for eachter. This is a story of a man who spotted a young lady and went in to make his move. So to me....that seems like to me he probably has done this in the past.

 

You own the fact you started touching him, but you make it okay and lose any accountablility you started with the following statment that it was long after he had the sex talk. So, you saw his sexual talk just as what it was.... him giving you the green light. So, that sex talk wasn't as innocent as you played it off to be, if you are now feeling okay with starting to touch him. And why would you be shocked if we read posts that say that you have such a crush on this guy and you are openly annoucning how you are pursing him, by touching him and the way you speak to him, etc. How does it shock you? You spelled it out very clearly to us. You didn't realize you were doing it cuz it all happened so slowly?

But in your earlier post, you state it very clear how you realized what you were doing:

 

"but over the past few months have been doing little things that might be considered hints. For example, I had never touched him at all, except maybe a brushing of hands as we passed something between us, but I've started touching his arm or putting my hand on his shoulder if given the opportunity. "

 

So, again, sorry to seem harsh, but I think you very much realized that you are pursing and you state it very clear here.

 

So, he said "stay in touch" so, did you start texting him? Or did he start texting you?

 

I am not saying your sole purpose of coming back was to pursue him.....but you can't tell me that if you really didn't want to see him again, and thought it was bad, as you have said yourself that you know better.... you should not have come. I know the girl made a mess of things, but I bet someone else could have cleaned it up. I'm sure your great at your job, thats why they asked you. but you came back to a situation that you knew you had openly flirted with each other and even told him of your feelings, and that would pick up. ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU TWO WERE SITLL IN CONTACT WITH EACHOTHER.

 

If you are really asking me if I think you could sleep with this man and live with yourself??? Absolutely, I do. Again, you have been flirting, talkin about sex, texting, touching another womans husband for years. Wanting him so badly to tell you he has feelings for you, stating several times about how you want to marry someone like him and how you are like his wife. I do think you could live with yourself, if you were really the person that couldn't, 1-you would have not carried on these convo's and 2-you would have not come back into this situation.

 

Look, I don't care if you get on here and say "I will sleep with this man at any costs, or I'm completely screwed up for doing this, but i'm going to"....I don't care what it is. As long as it is honest. I think you need to really look hard at what and how you feel and what you want. I always say "own it", if you don't you will never get over or through things and you will continue to make bad decisions.

 

You're story is just full of contradicitons. You say you feel one way and you act another way. Find who you are, what you want and what you are willing to handle.

 

You are a smart, young woman. You deserve so much more. I think there is something to that childhood you need to look into. Maybe get some counseling. I promise sweetie, what ever it is, you can heal from it and have the life you deserve!!!

[Sally522114]

I'm not sure what else I can say. Obviously expressing myself is not one of my strong suits and telling stories has never been my forte. I forget too many details and keep losing my train of thought. Numbers are more my thing - they just make sense. However, I do have a couple things to say.

 

Apparently it doesn't matter how often I say this, you are still not going to believe me, but I will try one last time. To answer your question: YES!! If he came to me saying he loved me and was filing for a divorce and wanted to be with me, would I turn to him and say I want him to stay with his wife? My answer is yes. Yes, I would. I know I can't be with him forever. I didn't even have to "accept" that fact or come to terms with it. I realize that fact.

 

Maybe my past does affect the situation, but not in the way you think. I was hurt by another man - my fiance at the time actually; and I find it hard to believe that I will ever meet a nice guy again who will treat me right and will love me in return. Whether you think so or not, I think THIS man (my boss) is a wonderful man and that's why I want so much to know that he feels the same way. I need to know that someone decent could feel that way for me.

 

It sounds as though you think I have Daddy issues and I don't think you could be farther from the truth. I have an absolutely wonderful father whom I love very much and am very close with. It was my mother who left and yes, I probably do have some scars from that, but nothing that would affect my current situation.

[whichwayisup]

I was hurt by another man - my fiance at the time actually; and I find it hard to believe that I will ever meet a nice guy again who will treat me right and will love me in return.

 

Then you go to therapy and work this out. Don't go running to an older married man who's your boss, hoping that he'll be your future husband. HE IS NOT going to divorce his wife and leave his family for you. Sorry but that is the reality of your situation.

[2sunny]

Apparently it doesn't matter how often I say this, you are still not going to believe me, but I will try one last time. To answer your question: YES!! If he came to me saying he loved me and was filing for a divorce and wanted to be with me, would I turn to him and say I want him to stay with his wife? My answer is yes. Yes, I would. I know I can't be with him forever. I didn't even have to "accept" that fact or come to terms with it. I realize that fact.

 

 

so you would want to choose a man that lives differently at work than at home?

 

you'd want your H talking sex to his office gal?

 

you'd want your H giving mutually satisfying massages to women he works with?

 

you'd want your H to allow other office gals to "touch him"?

 

you'd want your H to be intimately "involved" and "connected to" his office gal?

 

you'd also want your H to keep all this a secret from you when you are married to him?

 

because THAT is what you are saying...

 

you want HIM - knowing what a douche bag he is... and YOU could end up being the W - IF his REAL wife finds out the truth about what you two have been doing.

 

 

RUN!!!! get out of there and don't look back!

[worthmore]

Sally,

 

It honestly makes me sad that you need this man's validation to think that any man would feel so strongly for you. I can guarantee you that there are a lot of people who will (and perhaps already do) feel that you are the very reason that they breathe. Don't sell yourself short - you're only hurting yourself.

[Sally522114]

Then you go to therapy and work this out. Don't go running to an older married man who's your boss, hoping that he'll be your future husband. HE IS NOT going to divorce his wife and leave his family for you. Sorry but that is the reality of your situation.

 

What do you people not understand? Have you read the entire thread? Let me make this clear: I DO NOT want him to divorce his wife and I DO NOT think he will leave her for me. I have NEVER EVER - not even once said that I want him to leave her for me. I've said that I want to marry someone LIKE him - but NOT HIM. Do the capitals help? Did I get my point across. Perhaps I wasn't speaking plainly enough before.

[Sally522114]

Sally,

 

It honestly makes me sad that you need this man's validation to think that any man would feel so strongly for you. I can guarantee you that there are a lot of people who will (and perhaps already do) feel that you are the very reason that they breathe. Don't sell yourself short - you're only hurting yourself.

 

Thank you. Whether or not it is true, it was still very nice of you to say and I appreciate it.

[2sunny]

What do you people not understand? Have you read the entire thread? Let me make this clear: I DO NOT want him to divorce his wife and I DO NOT think he will leave her for me. I have NEVER EVER - not even once said that I want him to leave her for me. I've said that I want to marry someone LIKE him - but NOT HIM. Do the capitals help? Did I get my point across. Perhaps I wasn't speaking plainly enough before.

 

Q

uote:

Originally Posted by Sally522114

Apparently it doesn't matter how often I say this, you are still not going to believe me, but I will try one last time. To answer your question: YES!! If he came to me saying he loved me and was filing for a divorce and wanted to be with me, would I turn to him and say I want him to stay with his wife? My answer is yes. Yes, I would. I know I can't be with him forever. I didn't even have to "accept" that fact or come to terms with it. I realize that fact.

 

you say both - so which is it?

 

you said you WOULD marry him - if he asked and he divorced.

 

you are confused then.

 

in any event - read my post!

 

i asked specific questions - is THAT what you wish to have from him? because YOU have EVIDENCE that he will give you that behavior.

 

if it's not what you want - leave and never, ever speak to him again. you are interrupting their marriage by the way you are participating...

[Sally522114]

Q

 

you say both - so which is it?

 

you said you WOULD marry him - if he asked and he divorced.

 

you are confused then.

 

in any event - read my post!

 

i asked specific questions - is THAT what you wish to have from him? because YOU have EVIDENCE that he will give you that behavior.

 

if it's not what you want - leave and never, ever speak to him again. you are interrupting their marriage by the way you are participating...

 

Please, please, please read carefully as you are misunderstanding what I've said. My Quote was: "If he came to me saying he loved me and was filing for a divorce and wanted to be with me, would I turn to him and say I want him to stay with his wife? My answer is yes." I'm saying that yes, I would tell him to stay with his wife. Did it make sense this time? I have never contradicted that statement.

 

Yes, I read your first post. My answers are:

 

No, I don't want to choose a man that lives differently at work than at home.

 

Talking about sex with co-workers would not be the end of the world in my book, I might be a little jealous, but as long as it didn't lead to anything more, I wouldn't be filing for a divorce over it.

 

No, I wouldn't want my husband giving mutually satisfying massages to women he works with. Just so we are clear - that has never happened with this man. It was said in a jokingly flirty way but nothing came of it. Can you show me a man who has never thought of another woman besides his wife? Just because someone makes such a comment doesn't mean they would actually go through with it.

 

No, I wouldn't want my husband to allow other office gals to "touch him" but you make it sound so bad. The touches we've shared were seriously like on the shoulder. Not on the leg or anything like that.

 

No, I wouldn't want my husband to be intimately "involved" and "connected to" his office gal, HOWEVER, I truly believe feelings can be developed unintentionally . . . so if my husband were to become close with any woman other than myself, I would want him to be honest about it with me rather than hide it from me.

 

I think that kind of answered your last question as well. I would definitely want my husband to be honest with me no matter what.

[OnyxSnowfall]

woinlove: I don't want to ruin his marriage or hurt anyone. I don't think it will come to that. I think more than anything, I just want him to tell me how he feels. He's shown me in every way, but he has never once said how he feels about me. I guess I just want to know that it isn't one sided - to know I'm not crazy. I'm pretty sure he would never actually cheat on his wife and that only makes me like him more. If he were trying to seduce me, that would completely turn me off . . . but since he appears to be as torn as I am, I think that should say something for him.

 

Him having such "feelings" for another woman WILL damage his marriage in some way. You want to encourage those feelings, mm? No one has forced you to "flirt" or discuss sexual topics together (nor him).

 

And because you want to "know" if the feelings are mutual... because you perhaps even WANT them to be mutual... just the fact that they might exist for you would probably hurt his wife. Just saying. He's already cheating in some way if he's allowed lust coupled with affection to develop for you.

 

I haven't read the replies beneath what I quoted from you... I think if you were the wife and the mother of his children, you wouldn't be so "thrilled" about him, if he DID have such feelings for a much younger woman that he WORKS with... very trustworthy man indeed.

[wannabdone]

Please, please, please read carefully as you are misunderstanding what I've said. My Quote was: "If he came to me saying he loved me and was filing for a divorce and wanted to be with me, would I turn to him and say I want him to stay with his wife? My answer is yes." I'm saying that yes, I would tell him to stay with his wife. Did it make sense this time? I have never contradicted that statement.

 

Yes, I read your first post. My answers are:

 

No, I don't want to choose a man that lives differently at work than at home.

 

Talking about sex with co-workers would not be the end of the world in my book, I might be a little jealous, but as long as it didn't lead to anything more, I wouldn't be filing for a divorce over it.

 

No, I wouldn't want my husband giving mutually satisfying massages to women he works with. Just so we are clear - that has never happened with this man. It was said in a jokingly flirty way but nothing came of it. Can you show me a man who has never thought of another woman besides his wife? Just because someone makes such a comment doesn't mean they would actually go through with it.

 

No, I wouldn't want my husband to allow other office gals to "touch him" but you make it sound so bad. The touches we've shared were seriously like on the shoulder. Not on the leg or anything like that.

 

No, I wouldn't want my husband to be intimately "involved" and "connected to" his office gal, HOWEVER, I truly believe feelings can be developed unintentionally . . . so if my husband were to become close with any woman other than myself, I would want him to be honest about it with me rather than hide it from me.

 

I think that kind of answered your last question as well. I would definitely want my husband to be honest with me no matter what.

 

 

I don't know if it was "daddy issues" or not, but somewhere, something, or someone has made you feel unworthy of the love and adoration that you deserve, and the love and adoration that you should want.

 

Your capitalization is not needed for me to read what you are saying. However, you can capitalize every single word and write 10,000 times and tell me you don't want this man, and I would have to tell you that one thing I have learned from having an A WAY too long, is I don't listen to words, I "listen" to actions. You tell me you don't want him, fine. However, your actions, I'm sorry, speak other wise. IF in fact you don't want him, why would you want him so desperately to tell you his feelings???? If you don't want him, why the f should you care what his feelings are? Seriously, please thing about what you are saying and what you are doing, and you have to admit that they don't add up. You seem to be the only person here, that does not see that.

 

You sure are putting yourself in a very bad position for NOT wanting this man. And speaking of which, if you don't want him and want him to stay with his W, why are you on a OW forum????? Again, words and actions are not just adding up.

 

I know its hard to express everything on these things, and explain every little detail of why we did or do what we do. Trust me, I know more than anyone. But when ppl started drilling me on the things I was having a hard time explaining.... it usually meant that I was full of **** with what I was saying. And when I stopped and thought about it, I saw that.

 

Now to the other questions that were brought up about seeing this man as the model for your husband....

 

Girl, if you don't think that a H talking about sex with other women in his office, isn't the end of the world. You need to rethink things. 1.- he is supposed to be YOUR man, that means HIS penis is YOURS, not anyone elses, when sex is talked about with the opposite sex, it is essentially the green light things to go on. (you know kind of like what your feeling) I mean you yourself said you want to sleep with him, although I know you DON"T want him. 2- he is willing to put your financial security on the line. Any man so daft to speak about sex with female office worker has got to be one dumb ass. With law suits as they are.... come on. Seriously. He doesn't sound too wise to me. So, if you are "okay" with a man talking about sex, which ultimately is SUPPOSED to be between a HUSBAND AND WIFE, I'm afraid you are in a world of hurt if you ever do marry.

 

You said that no massages were appropraite, and none have happened. BUT, you said he has offered. So do you think if you would have accepted that he would have then said no???

So, sex talking and offering massages is okay????

LISTEN HERE: HE IS TALKING ABOUT SEX WITH YOU AND THEN ASKING IF HE CAN TOUCH YOU.

 

And you say you wouldn't want an office gal touching him, and you said we make it sound bad. However YOU said you were doing it in order to give him hints basically you were interested. Guess what..... THAT IS BAD. You touched another W's H, and in a way that he would know you liked him, and again you are making an excuse.

 

I agree, feelings can be devleoped with out you even knowing it, I've had that happen.

However, when a man talks to a woman about sex, offers to touch her, and then she finds a crush for him, reaches out to him through casual touching so he will know she likes him, (by the way, that is you accepting, where as in the past you had turned him down), staying late at night to talk to her about sex, (not with eachother....makes no difference), and then to top it off .........DOESN'T TELL HIS WIFE ANY OF THIS. How in gods green earth is ANY OF THIS INNOCENT. these are intentional advances, this is intentional lying on his part.

Then the woman who this MM is NOT telling his wife about is going on a OW forum, to discuss her feelings. Naming the subject on her thread "I know its wrong but........" But, what??? But you dont' want him?? was that what you meant to put.

 

And by the way..... what is IT????? I thought there was nothing??? I thouht you didn't want him????!!!!

 

Come on Sally. You know better. You can not sit here and say other wise.

 

Acceptance is the first step to growth. I want you to see that you are deserving of something more, something better. YOU ARE!!!! And i just don't get your just needing verbal validation from this guy. I"m sorry. And IF all it is that you are desperately seeking this validation from him....sister, go talk to someone. Because if you work through this, you can be set free and have the life you want.

 

I know you think I am being hard on you. And I am, but I am just trying to make you see that the ONLY person you are fooling is yourself. And I don't want you to wake up someday in your 40's and realize that fooling yourself has only gotten you older, and no closer to what you deserve.

[2sunny]

Please, please, please read carefully as you are misunderstanding what I've said. My Quote was: "If he came to me saying he loved me and was filing for a divorce and wanted to be with me, would I turn to him and say I want him to stay with his wife? My answer is yes." I'm saying that yes, I would tell him to stay with his wife. Did it make sense this time? I have never contradicted that statement.

 

Yes, I read your first post. My answers are:

 

No, I don't want to choose a man that lives differently at work than at home.

 

Talking about sex with co-workers would not be the end of the world in my book, I might be a little jealous, but as long as it didn't lead to anything more, I wouldn't be filing for a divorce over it.

 

No, I wouldn't want my husband giving mutually satisfying massages to women he works with. Just so we are clear - that has never happened with this man. It was said in a jokingly flirty way but nothing came of it. Can you show me a man who has never thought of another woman besides his wife? Just because someone makes such a comment doesn't mean they would actually go through with it.

 

No, I wouldn't want my husband to allow other office gals to "touch him" but you make it sound so bad. The touches we've shared were seriously like on the shoulder. Not on the leg or anything like that.

 

No, I wouldn't want my husband to be intimately "involved" and "connected to" his office gal, HOWEVER, I truly believe feelings can be developed unintentionally . . . so if my husband were to become close with any woman other than myself, I would want him to be honest about it with me rather than hide it from me.

 

I think that kind of answered your last question as well. I would definitely want my husband to be honest with me no matter what.

 

ok, i misread that... my apologies.

 

so start having your behavior and interactions represent the fact that YOU don't intend to break up the M. THAT is being respectful of the marriage.

 

act the part that you wish to represent - not a home wrecker... and not gonna act like one.

[wannabdone]

ok, i misread that... my apologies.

 

so start having your behavior and interactions represent the fact that YOU don't intend to break up the M. THAT is being respectful of the marriage.

 

act the part that you wish to represent - not a home wrecker... and not gonna act like one.

 

 

This is essential the problem though sunny.

 

Her words is that she DOES NOT WANT HIM OR TO BE A HOME WRECKER.

Her actions say.........

[Sally522114]

I'm not sure if any further explaining will help anyone understand, but I'll give it a shot.

 

So, I originally moved here to be with another guy - the guy who happened to become my fiance. I was here 2 years and after things didn't work out with my fiance and I was leaving to go home the first time, work threw me a going away party. As I was leaving that party, I specifically walked out with my boss (the one I now have strong feelings for) so I could thank him for everything. I can assure you I had no feelings for him other than friendship at that point as I was still in love with my fiance. I think this shows that we definitely had a friendship before anything else. Up to that point what we talked about was completely platonic - not a single inappropriate topic.

 

While I was home (a period of 8 months), I tried to work through my feelings for my ex-fiance and if I'm being honest, when I was asked to return the first time, a small part of me wanted to see if maybe things could work out with him. Let's put this topic to rest though by saying that I am over him as he has completely changed and is someone I hardly recognize now.

 

Back working more closely with this boss, our friendship grew. We became more comfortable with each other and eventually there became some innocent teasing and office banter which I think is pretty normal. There was absolutely nothing to hide as whatever we did was in front of anyone who was watching - not behind closed doors.

 

I know he thinks I'm smart and definitely has a respect for me that way. But we talk about everything from my parents' divorce and his father's illness to politics and religion. Saying that a 40 year old man would only talk with a 25 year old woman if he had something else in mind is just stupid, in my opinion. I am constantly having interesting/meaningful/platonic conversations with my office manager and another boss who are both men over 60.

 

Anyway, back to the history. In my opinion, we were friends, close friends before any of the inappropriate stuff started. I started realizing I had more feelings for him than friendship and kept it quiet for a while and then yes, I pursued him. I didn't see it quite that clearly at the time, but yes, looking back, that is what I did.

 

I think he feels more for me than just lust because we were friends first and he respects me. I think, or would like to think, that it grew inside him the way it grew inside me. When I told him about my feelings and he said he hadn't meant to lead me on - I think it was him telling me not to expect anything more . . . that he would never leave his wife, for example. He didn't say he didn't feel the same, just that he hadn't meant to give me hope that something would happen. He's told me that I remind him of his wife, that I am pretty and smart and funny and witty and kind and caring and deserve to be happy and that some guy is going to be very lucky one day. These compliments and many more are signs that make me think there are more to his feelings than lust.

 

After I left and he said to keep in touch, I did text him to update him on the road trip status but he was the one who first said something naughty - something about picturing people naked to stay awake while driving. Now this is where everyone will say he is a creep and whatnot. Saying it behind his wife's back is the awful thing, but saying it to me does not automatically mean that all he wants from me is sex. We've had a million more conversations about normal stuff than we've had about sex. That is not all we talk about, just so you know.

 

I've said this before but I'll say it again: I want to confirm that he has deeper feelings for me 1. because who wouldn't want someone they care about to return those same feelings and 2. because I didn't mean for this to happen, but it did and the signals I'm getting is that it is more for him as well, so I want to know if I'm reading the signals right.

 

I know my feelings for him and I want more than just sex, yet I still enjoy the flirting and sex talks so why can it not be the same for him? Yes, keeping this from his wife is wrong and I hope if I'm married one day that my husband wouldn't keep something like this from me, but I guess I'm willing to overlook it in him at this point as I do feel as though he is struggling with it. I don't think he is setting out to hurt his wife and I don't think he has done this before.

 

Yes, I want to marry a man like him. Yes, I wish he was single, taller and younger. Yes, I've considered sleeping with him. Yes, that thought is exciting to me. Yes, I've thought about how I'm helping him deceive his wife. Yes, I feel bad about it. Yes, I'm doing it anyway. Yes, I'm selfish.

 

What is my fantasy? That he tells me he does feel more for me. We hug and maybe kiss and maybe more, who knows. But in the end, I want him to stay with his wife and kids and the life he has built here. Am I putting all of that in jeopardy for the chance to live out this fantasy, yes. I think I'm describing a "fling" here and that is actually all I want. Just enough to satisfy my desires and curiosity. Everyone tells me it would lead to more or I would want more after something like that happens . . . but I honestly don't think so. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that way and maybe I'm wrong - but it is truly how I think.

[Circular]

When I read what you wrote I reminds me of some of my thought process years ago when I was entering into my situation with xmw. There was this friendship she and I had, we had excellent rapport, great conversations about nearly any topic, we just always seemed to be in-tune, on the same wavelength, etc... about things we liked, passions, etc... it was something unique, something I hadn't ever truly experienced before. We were flirty at times but nothing overly sexual, I think we both thought of it as innocent and having fun with each other.

 

I remember when it started to change, when it started taking on a different feeling/meaning and I remember thinking 'I can handle this, it wont go too far', thing is I was under the naive assumption that how I felt that moment was going to be how I felt as things continued. Maybe it was because it had been so many years I'd forgotten what it was like, I'm not sure. Problem is that's not how it was, once gasoline was thrown on the fire it really took on a life of it's own. I suppose that's where I'll caution you. What you feel right now will be entirely different once the train really leaves the station.

 

You don't want him to leave his wife, you think it can be fine the way it is but once things change that feeling of 'a little more' will always be 'just a little more' until he can't give you anymore and then it's going to get ugly. You'll find you've suppressed a lot of feelings, held back a lot of things just to keep it status-quo but that will change and open like giant flood gates. Just keep that in mind.

[woinlove]

If you actually don't want to break up his marriage, then this:

 

so start having your behavior and interactions represent the fact that YOU don't intend to break up the M.

 

Because you saying now that you don't want to break up his marriage, is so that later you will be able to tell yourself the same thing you are telling yourself now:

 

I didn't mean for this to happen, but it did

 

even though earlier you described how it was you that first starting touching him, as well as this:

 

I started realizing I had more feelings for him than friendship and kept it quiet for a while and then yes, I pursued him. I didn't see it quite that clearly at the time, but yes, looking back, that is what I did.

 

 

Here, you are being a bit more honest with yourself, so embrace this if this is who you really are and want to be:

 

Yes, I've thought about how I'm helping him deceive his wife. Yes, I feel bad about it. Yes, I'm doing it anyway. Yes, I'm selfish.

 

On the other hand, if you want to be someone who treats others well and feels good about herself, then stop pursuing this MM.

[Sally522114]

I just randomly thought of another thing to say. A number of people have questioned on here how I could possibly think he has deeper feelings for me. He's told me on at least three separate occasions that if he were single and younger, he'd definitely be interested in seeing me.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I just randomly thought of another thing to say. A number of people have questioned on here how I could possibly think he has deeper feelings for me. He's told me on at least three separate occasions that if he were single and younger, he'd definitely be interested in seeing me.

 

Ofcourse he would! It's the perfect crime! I am honest and true, and if only....(I were single/younger, whatever) we could overcome this starcrossed lovers situation, but, alas, I am not! Let's make the best of the situation and and atleast enjoy the time we have together! So while you conform, he woos you like no other man can.(because he has an out) You two have an enemy in common, as well as a hurdle to face together (in some fantasy world). You compromise yourself but YOU chose it, he told you he couldn't leave! Now you're causing trouble, and doubting yourself and he's becoming scarce. Doesn't enjoy the drama, but you're hooked now, and his mission is accomplished!

 

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. Anyone who tries to convince you to believe in an excuse rather than their actions, is deceiving you!

[Sally522114]

Obviously putting that last comment about him wishing he was single and younger was a mistake. I took it to mean he was interested in me. I didn't see it as an excuse. I'd rather people read my longer post (#46) before the last one and comment on that.

[wannabdone]

I'm not sure if any further explaining will help anyone understand, but I'll give it a shot.

 

So, I originally moved here to be with another guy - the guy who happened to become my fiance. I was here 2 years and after things didn't work out with my fiance and I was leaving to go home the first time, work threw me a going away party. As I was leaving that party, I specifically walked out with my boss (the one I now have strong feelings for) so I could thank him for everything. I can assure you I had no feelings for him other than friendship at that point as I was still in love with my fiance. I think this shows that we definitely had a friendship before anything else. Up to that point what we talked about was completely platonic - not a single inappropriate topic.

 

While I was home (a period of 8 months), I tried to work through my feelings for my ex-fiance and if I'm being honest, when I was asked to return the first time, a small part of me wanted to see if maybe things could work out with him. Let's put this topic to rest though by saying that I am over him as he has completely changed and is someone I hardly recognize now.

 

Back working more closely with this boss, our friendship grew. We became more comfortable with each other and eventually there became some innocent teasing and office banter which I think is pretty normal. There was absolutely nothing to hide as whatever we did was in front of anyone who was watching - not behind closed doors.

 

I know he thinks I'm smart and definitely has a respect for me that way. But we talk about everything from my parents' divorce and his father's illness to politics and religion. Saying that a 40 year old man would only talk with a 25 year old woman if he had something else in mind is just stupid, in my opinion. I am constantly having interesting/meaningful/platonic conversations with my office manager and another boss who are both men over 60.

 

Anyway, back to the history. In my opinion, we were friends, close friends before any of the inappropriate stuff started. I started realizing I had more feelings for him than friendship and kept it quiet for a while and then yes, I pursued him. I didn't see it quite that clearly at the time, but yes, looking back, that is what I did.

 

I think he feels more for me than just lust because we were friends first and he respects me. I think, or would like to think, that it grew inside him the way it grew inside me. When I told him about my feelings and he said he hadn't meant to lead me on - I think it was him telling me not to expect anything more . . . that he would never leave his wife, for example. He didn't say he didn't feel the same, just that he hadn't meant to give me hope that something would happen. He's told me that I remind him of his wife, that I am pretty and smart and funny and witty and kind and caring and deserve to be happy and that some guy is going to be very lucky one day. These compliments and many more are signs that make me think there are more to his feelings than lust.

 

After I left and he said to keep in touch, I did text him to update him on the road trip status but he was the one who first said something naughty - something about picturing people naked to stay awake while driving. Now this is where everyone will say he is a creep and whatnot. Saying it behind his wife's back is the awful thing, but saying it to me does not automatically mean that all he wants from me is sex. We've had a million more conversations about normal stuff than we've had about sex. That is not all we talk about, just so you know.

 

I've said this before but I'll say it again: I want to confirm that he has deeper feelings for me 1. because who wouldn't want someone they care about to return those same feelings and 2. because I didn't mean for this to happen, but it did and the signals I'm getting is that it is more for him as well, so I want to know if I'm reading the signals right.

 

I know my feelings for him and I want more than just sex, yet I still enjoy the flirting and sex talks so why can it not be the same for him? Yes, keeping this from his wife is wrong and I hope if I'm married one day that my husband wouldn't keep something like this from me, but I guess I'm willing to overlook it in him at this point as I do feel as though he is struggling with it. I don't think he is setting out to hurt his wife and I don't think he has done this before.

 

Yes, I want to marry a man like him. Yes, I wish he was single, taller and younger. Yes, I've considered sleeping with him. Yes, that thought is exciting to me. Yes, I've thought about how I'm helping him deceive his wife. Yes, I feel bad about it. Yes, I'm doing it anyway. Yes, I'm selfish.

 

What is my fantasy? That he tells me he does feel more for me. We hug and maybe kiss and maybe more, who knows. But in the end, I want him to stay with his wife and kids and the life he has built here. Am I putting all of that in jeopardy for the chance to live out this fantasy, yes. I think I'm describing a "fling" here and that is actually all I want. Just enough to satisfy my desires and curiosity. Everyone tells me it would lead to more or I would want more after something like that happens . . . but I honestly don't think so. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that way and maybe I'm wrong - but it is truly how I think.

 

 

Sally, First off THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY. And you should probably also thank yourself. Because this is the most real you have been up to this point. I think after your email, without admitting it, you see that you were a walking contradiction.

 

To speak to the points you made, lets first go into this ex boyfriend thing. I'm sure you were very hurt, and vulnerable, as everyone is after a long relationship (good or bad) comes to a close. I am quite positive you felt a friendship with you MM at this time....hense the reason to specifically walk with him alone to the car. I think one thin you have to realize here, is that a lot of times at the beginning of A, we don't see what's going on. We see them as friends and just know we fell comfortable with them. You had been hurt deeply, as I am sure it is hard to be in a relationship where someone completely changed. And now you find yourself close and friendly with this guy. Someone who probably without saying a word made you feel at peace, and smart and pretty and all of those things you were looking for after a break up. These are things anyone looks for, whether you broke up with him or he did you. So, whether you know it or not, and whether it was for a sexual thing or not, you wanting him to walk you to your car so you could thank him, was probably you reaching out to him because he made you feel good. Because honestly, thanking someone does not take them walking with you alone. Ya know? Not saying intentional, but definitely there was something you were looking for there to comfort you.

 

You misinterperted me, or I miscommunicated with you that a 40 year old can have a conversation with a 25 year old. Sure you can talk about what is going on in their lives, parents, work, so on and so forth. However, rest assured and you will know this in about 15 years, 40 year olds are usually not able to carry on true friendship with someone who is 25. I don't give a rat's ass how mature they are. There is such a huge difference between those age groups, that even the way a 25 year old talks about politics and religions, and all of those other topics, you just sit there and listen and can hear the age in their speach. The life lessons are there, and all the other growth that comes along with being on this planet for 15 years longer. Lets think of it this way since you are good in math. A 40 year old has been in the real world for aprx 16 year, give or take a little....right? 25 year olds? 1 year. They have had 15 more years of hard times, children, houses, changes in economy, presidents, jobs, wives. 15 years more of lifes lessons, which cause all of us to grow and mature. There is no way, like I said, no matter how matture someone is, that they can have the same thought processes as someone my age, I'm sorry. Now does that mean that i can not sit there and carry on a convo with them? No, I can. But like I said I can sit there and hear the immaturity in their voice and how the view things of the world. And yes, you can have these conversations with the 60 year old men in your office as well. I mean you work together, and you work for a family owned company, so you will talk and get to know eachother. But I promise you most of them are walking away saying "Sally, is such a bright girl, but she sure does have a lot to learn about life". Let me make this clear to you, and I won't put it in capital letter so you can get what i'm saying ..... a 40 year old man will not, absolutely not sit around and carry on conversations with a 25 year old girl and grow those conversations into a relationship in any sense, unless he is thinking of her naked. Period and end of story. And me sitting here telling you this is prime example of the matturity and differents from a woman who has had 15 years more experience in life lessons that you.

 

On the texting issue and he brought up sex and he had a million other convo's with you. Girl... do you think he is so stupid that all he is going to do is talk about sex? he is trying to woe you, that means acting like he interested in you and what you do, etc. And you know what, he probably is interested in those things as well.....but why? Because he would like to **** you. Let's say this, if you guys did do that, and then his W found out, he would throw you out of his life faster than you could say boo. He would then have zero interest how smart you are, or what your thought or opinion where on religion, or your parents, or what not. Why? Because your ass train has been shut down by his W. He will have nothing to do with you. Well, possibly when the dust settles down and he can then pursue you again.... to get back on board the ass train. If a man doesn't want a future with you, but he wants to have sex with you.... you are a piece of ass, plain and simple. So therefore.... he might be interested in you other than lust, or so it seems.... but it does boil down to the lust factor.

 

I understand you want to know he feels the same, thats natural. And now that you have come clean that you actually are pursuing him (whether you started our intentional or not, you are now) and you want to **** him, then I think you are deluding yourself that you won't fall deeper for him. The reason why it can not be the same for him as it is for you as you asked....BECAUSE HE IS MARRIED. He has someone to build his life with, share his dreams, etc. You are not it. I will tell you what he is struggling with, just like most MM are.....getting caught. I know you say his wife has no clue, but theres no way. With the office talk of you being the "office wife", etc. Shes watching.... I promise. And I also promise that some good samaratian will tell her as soon as they think something has happened. There fore he is probably struggling.

 

Ive thought this the entire time.....you have made up your mind. You will probably sleep with this man. You have been pursuing it and fantasiing about it far to long. Its good to see that you aren't trying to play the victim/innocent role now and you are owning what you are doing. You might not have wanted to hurt anyone before, but you know you are now and you have accepted that and you don't care. You are willing to **** another womans husband and have sex talk with him, and you do not care what or who gets hurt. If you did, you would walk. You will hurt her, their children, (can't remember if they have them.), and yourself. After this I fear for you, you are already so needy of this mans validation and time, I can not imagine what will become of you once the step has been made. I really fear for you. And the really bad thing is, is that you have been warned. By many women who have walked in your shoes, some of us, me included, did not have that. I wish I would have. It would have still been hard to walk, but I would have at least had some wise words from someone. I have to tell you the way you are acting, is no where near how I did, and I was deeply in love with my MM. Now, 10 years later, I have gone through so much hurt and devastion, you have no idea. All of this has been to help you. But, as I said, your mind has been made up. And God be with you, because you are definiately going to need it.

[RainDown]

I'm not sure if any further explaining will help anyone understand, but I'll give it a shot.

 

So, I originally moved here to be with another guy - the guy who happened to become my fiance. I was here 2 years and after things didn't work out with my fiance and I was leaving to go home the first time, work threw me a going away party. As I was leaving that party, I specifically walked out with my boss (the one I now have strong feelings for) so I could thank him for everything. I can assure you I had no feelings for him other than friendship at that point as I was still in love with my fiance. I think this shows that we definitely had a friendship before anything else. Up to that point what we talked about was completely platonic - not a single inappropriate topic.

 

While I was home (a period of 8 months), I tried to work through my feelings for my ex-fiance and if I'm being honest, when I was asked to return the first time, a small part of me wanted to see if maybe things could work out with him. Let's put this topic to rest though by saying that I am over him as he has completely changed and is someone I hardly recognize now.

 

Back working more closely with this boss, our friendship grew. We became more comfortable with each other and eventually there became some innocent teasing and office banter which I think is pretty normal. There was absolutely nothing to hide as whatever we did was in front of anyone who was watching - not behind closed doors.

 

I know he thinks I'm smart and definitely has a respect for me that way. But we talk about everything from my parents' divorce and his father's illness to politics and religion. Saying that a 40 year old man would only talk with a 25 year old woman if he had something else in mind is just stupid, in my opinion. I am constantly having interesting/meaningful/platonic conversations with my office manager and another boss who are both men over 60.

 

Anyway, back to the history. In my opinion, we were friends, close friends before any of the inappropriate stuff started. I started realizing I had more feelings for him than friendship and kept it quiet for a while and then yes, I pursued him. I didn't see it quite that clearly at the time, but yes, looking back, that is what I did.

 

I think he feels more for me than just lust because we were friends first and he respects me. I think, or would like to think, that it grew inside him the way it grew inside me. When I told him about my feelings and he said he hadn't meant to lead me on - I think it was him telling me not to expect anything more . . . that he would never leave his wife, for example. He didn't say he didn't feel the same, just that he hadn't meant to give me hope that something would happen. He's told me that I remind him of his wife, that I am pretty and smart and funny and witty and kind and caring and deserve to be happy and that some guy is going to be very lucky one day. These compliments and many more are signs that make me think there are more to his feelings than lust.

 

After I left and he said to keep in touch, I did text him to update him on the road trip status but he was the one who first said something naughty - something about picturing people naked to stay awake while driving. Now this is where everyone will say he is a creep and whatnot. Saying it behind his wife's back is the awful thing, but saying it to me does not automatically mean that all he wants from me is sex. We've had a million more conversations about normal stuff than we've had about sex. That is not all we talk about, just so you know.

 

I've said this before but I'll say it again: I want to confirm that he has deeper feelings for me 1. because who wouldn't want someone they care about to return those same feelings and 2. because I didn't mean for this to happen, but it did and the signals I'm getting is that it is more for him as well, so I want to know if I'm reading the signals right.

 

I know my feelings for him and I want more than just sex, yet I still enjoy the flirting and sex talks so why can it not be the same for him? Yes, keeping this from his wife is wrong and I hope if I'm married one day that my husband wouldn't keep something like this from me, but I guess I'm willing to overlook it in him at this point as I do feel as though he is struggling with it. I don't think he is setting out to hurt his wife and I don't think he has done this before.

 

Yes, I want to marry a man like him. Yes, I wish he was single, taller and younger. Yes, I've considered sleeping with him. Yes, that thought is exciting to me. Yes, I've thought about how I'm helping him deceive his wife. Yes, I feel bad about it. Yes, I'm doing it anyway. Yes, I'm selfish.

 

What is my fantasy? That he tells me he does feel more for me. We hug and maybe kiss and maybe more, who knows. But in the end, I want him to stay with his wife and kids and the life he has built here. Am I putting all of that in jeopardy for the chance to live out this fantasy, yes. I think I'm describing a "fling" here and that is actually all I want. Just enough to satisfy my desires and curiosity. Everyone tells me it would lead to more or I would want more after something like that happens . . . but I honestly don't think so. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that way and maybe I'm wrong - but it is truly how I think.

 

I've read all your posts, Sally. I understand where you're coming from. I get it. In all that you've said so far about this situation, the part I bolded above is what it all really comes down to. You want to satisfy your desires and curiosity about this man and then move on. The problem is, the man is married. Happily married. The man has children. Happy children. You openly admit you are putting his marriage and family in jeopardy by selfishly pursuing your desires and curiosity.

 

My question is, are you really the kind of person who would participate something so potentially destructive merely to satisfy some kind of curiosity? I say this as gently as I can - if what you stated is true, it reflects some fairly disturbing things about you and the value you place on other people. It reflects that you are willing to knowingly and deliberately and intentionally hurt innocent people merely to satisfy your inappropriate and self-admittedly selfish whims.

 

Most of us have "inappropriate" fantasies and desires at times. It's part of the human condition. The better of us can take the high road and, to the best of our abilities, choose not to act out these fantasies and desires. Others go through life like a wrecking ball and wreak havoc on the lives of others because they choose not to control themselves.

 

Which one are you, truly?

[jj33]

I'm not sure if any further explaining will help anyone understand, but I'll give it a shot.

 

So, I originally moved here to be with another guy - the guy who happened to become my fiance. I was here 2 years and after things didn't work out with my fiance and I was leaving to go home the first time, work threw me a going away party. As I was leaving that party, I specifically walked out with my boss (the one I now have strong feelings for) so I could thank him for everything. I can assure you I had no feelings for him other than friendship at that point as I was still in love with my fiance. I think this shows that we definitely had a friendship before anything else. Up to that point what we talked about was completely platonic - not a single inappropriate topic.

 

While I was home (a period of 8 months), I tried to work through my feelings for my ex-fiance and if I'm being honest, when I was asked to return the first time, a small part of me wanted to see if maybe things could work out with him. Let's put this topic to rest though by saying that I am over him as he has completely changed and is someone I hardly recognize now.

 

Back working more closely with this boss, our friendship grew. We became more comfortable with each other and eventually there became some innocent teasing and office banter which I think is pretty normal. There was absolutely nothing to hide as whatever we did was in front of anyone who was watching - not behind closed doors.

 

I know he thinks I'm smart and definitely has a respect for me that way. But we talk about everything from my parents' divorce and his father's illness to politics and religion. Saying that a 40 year old man would only talk with a 25 year old woman if he had something else in mind is just stupid, in my opinion. I am constantly having interesting/meaningful/platonic conversations with my office manager and another boss who are both men over 60.

 

Anyway, back to the history. In my opinion, we were friends, close friends before any of the inappropriate stuff started. I started realizing I had more feelings for him than friendship and kept it quiet for a while and then yes, I pursued him. I didn't see it quite that clearly at the time, but yes, looking back, that is what I did.

 

I think he feels more for me than just lust because we were friends first and he respects me. I think, or would like to think, that it grew inside him the way it grew inside me. When I told him about my feelings and he said he hadn't meant to lead me on - I think it was him telling me not to expect anything more . . . that he would never leave his wife, for example. He didn't say he didn't feel the same, just that he hadn't meant to give me hope that something would happen. He's told me that I remind him of his wife, that I am pretty and smart and funny and witty and kind and caring and deserve to be happy and that some guy is going to be very lucky one day. These compliments and many more are signs that make me think there are more to his feelings than lust.

 

After I left and he said to keep in touch, I did text him to update him on the road trip status but he was the one who first said something naughty - something about picturing people naked to stay awake while driving. Now this is where everyone will say he is a creep and whatnot. Saying it behind his wife's back is the awful thing, but saying it to me does not automatically mean that all he wants from me is sex. We've had a million more conversations about normal stuff than we've had about sex. That is not all we talk about, just so you know.

 

I've said this before but I'll say it again: I want to confirm that he has deeper feelings for me 1. because who wouldn't want someone they care about to return those same feelings and 2. because I didn't mean for this to happen, but it did and the signals I'm getting is that it is more for him as well, so I want to know if I'm reading the signals right.

 

I know my feelings for him and I want more than just sex, yet I still enjoy the flirting and sex talks so why can it not be the same for him? Yes, keeping this from his wife is wrong and I hope if I'm married one day that my husband wouldn't keep something like this from me, but I guess I'm willing to overlook it in him at this point as I do feel as though he is struggling with it. I don't think he is setting out to hurt his wife and I don't think he has done this before.

 

Yes, I want to marry a man like him. Yes, I wish he was single, taller and younger. Yes, I've considered sleeping with him. Yes, that thought is exciting to me. Yes, I've thought about how I'm helping him deceive his wife. Yes, I feel bad about it. Yes, I'm doing it anyway. Yes, I'm selfish.

 

What is my fantasy? That he tells me he does feel more for me. We hug and maybe kiss and maybe more, who knows. But in the end, I want him to stay with his wife and kids and the life he has built here. Am I putting all of that in jeopardy for the chance to live out this fantasy, yes. I think I'm describing a "fling" here and that is actually all I want. Just enough to satisfy my desires and curiosity. Everyone tells me it would lead to more or I would want more after something like that happens . . . but I honestly don't think so. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking that way and maybe I'm wrong - but it is truly how I think.

 

So you want to do something to cause him to confirm what you know? If he had really strong feelings he would do something to take it further. He would invite you to lunch, he would invite you to dinner he would do something to push things further.

 

If you push things further and you have a 3 month fling, you will never know anything more than the fact that you showed him you were game and he said great.

 

And as for not wanting to screw things up at home for him, hed be the one doing that but do you want to put him in that siutation when you are going home. These things have lasting consequences. Either he is a serial cheater or he is someone who could be pushed to cross the line if he knew you ahd feelings for him. If it is just a fling then he will have to live with that for the rest of his marriage. That is not something you want to do to someone you care about.