I know it's wrong but . . .

[Sally522114]

I'm not so sure what to think anymore. I stayed late after work yesterday as I really did have a few things to get done and my MM stayed late as well. He finished up what he was working on and then came to sit beside me before leaving. We kind of picked up where our conversation had ended last Friday and I have to admit that it was enlightening.

 

Somehow we got on the topic of Big Brother and we each have an opinion on who will win. He asked me if I wanted to bet on it, so I asked him how much he was willing to bet. He said it didn't have to be money which, quite honestly, excited me. I asked him what he had in mind and after thinking about it for a minute, he said loser would buy lunch. Then he made the comment that if we were both single, maybe our bet could be more interesting.

 

I said that was understandable, can't very well be making more "interesting" bets while he's married. He then told me that he likes me and is very attracted to me but that maybe he is being unfair to me . . . maybe even being mean to me. He said he is happily married (again) and me focusing on him is holding me back from finding someone else to be with. I said it was ok since I plan to move home and meet a wonderful guy there to build a life with. I guess he plans to stay in touch even after I move again because he said I'll have to text him with updates. I'm not sure that is the best idea though. How am I supposed to get over him when I move home if I'm still talking to him?

 

He told me he enjoys our conversations and I just don't know what to think. Maybe some of you are right. Maybe he does just want to sleep with me, but he's definitely not jumping right into it for whatever reason. But he's not willing to put an end to what is happening so far either. When we are alone, we never touch each other . . . I think if we did it might lead to more. I don't know where I'm at right now. As this becomes more real, I'm having doubts. I honestly always thought he was too good and too honest to ever sleep with me . . . but as time goes on and things seem to be getting more serious between us - I find myself thinking that maybe he would sleep with me.

 

And THAT thought, even though it's what I want actually turns me off a bit. A lot of his appeal to me is that he is a great guy. But a great guy would end these conversations and the touching. My fantasies were great back when I "knew" they would never come true, but it's getting a little scary now.

 

Does this even make any sense? Perhaps I should have waited to write until I was well rest - ready to fall asleep now.

[jj33]

Youve gotten the classic line. Hes giving himself a big "but I told you I was happily married".

 

Hes saying if you are up for fooling around so is he.

 

It doesnt get any clearer than that.

 

You are SO deep in denial its not even funny. You say you dont want any of this but of course you do or YOU would cut it off.

 

Does this mean you couldnt find in time he fell in love with you? Of course anything is possible but for now he is looking for a little fun on the side of his happy marriage.

 

If thats what you want fine if that is not what you want then dont do it.

 

Seems to me that if you were cool with this you wouldnt be looking for approval here, you would be doing it because after all you are going home in 3 months and you are able to do FWB without looking back.

 

Honestly I dont think that is true thats not how you come across and if he doesnt fall in love with you in 3 months and leave his W I think you are looking towards a big fall in the future if you get involved with him

[Silly_Girl]

I think he's loving the attention. There are men out there who like to collect women friends, for banter and to make them feel popular. He genuinely may not want to sleep with you but he's getting something from it.

[woinlove]

He then told me that he likes me and is very attracted to me but that maybe he is being unfair to me . . . maybe even being mean to me. He said he is happily married (again) and me focusing on him is holding me back from finding someone else to be with. I said it was ok since I plan to move home and meet a wonderful guy there to build a life with. I guess he plans to stay in touch even after I move again because he said I'll have to text him with updates. I'm not sure that is the best idea though. How am I supposed to get over him when I move home if I'm still talking to him?

 

 

When someone tells you they are being unfair or mean to you, it's a good idea to pay attention. I suspect this is an ego boost for MM, to have a young woman pining over him for years, a young woman who thinks young, single men can't compare to him despite him being so much older, not even very attractive from the way you describe him, and married - must make him feel like he is really something.

 

Chances are he might try to keep his ego-boosting going after you leave - if he is getting stroked and you don't mind. It is up to you how you want to spend your life. If you want to get over him, then you likely will have to decide not to continue this flirtation as it seems to occupy so much of your head and heart. For MM, he has a full life with work, wife, children and probably can compartmentalize so that this doesn't occupy more of his thoughts than he needs to get the ego-boost or whatever he is getting.

[wannabdone]

It's the happily married ones that can hide their affair the best. Their wives trust them and allow them time with friends.

 

 

That is a huge statement!!! Very true!!! Those are the ones who best hide their affairs.

 

I guess i'm shocked that you are now rethinking and finding it not so attractive. If it is really how you feel, I guess you are just someone who really likes the chase of things.

 

I hope you are really feeling the way you do. I would really suggest cutting off the "talks", and finish up your job and move. No returning texts, let him find another "office wife".

 

So how did you end the conversation?

[Sally522114]

That is a huge statement!!! Very true!!! Those are the ones who best hide their affairs.

 

I guess i'm shocked that you are now rethinking and finding it not so attractive. If it is really how you feel, I guess you are just someone who really likes the chase of things.

 

I hope you are really feeling the way you do. I would really suggest cutting off the "talks", and finish up your job and move. No returning texts, let him find another "office wife".

 

So how did you end the conversation?

 

Hmm, I can't remember exactly how the conversation ended. It was shortly after him telling me that he was being unfair to me. I can't remember the last words, but the impression I'm left with is that he is definitely looking forward to our next conversation. Although, he also told me he enjoys discussing other stuff as well. When we go out for lunch, rarely is anything inappropriate brought up and he said he enjoys talking that way just as much.

 

Ya know, I never really looked at it that way, but you could be right about the happily married men hiding affairs more easily. As I already said, after his wife read one of my emails to him and she was upset that he was so close with another woman, they talked and she decided to drop it because she trusts him that he wouldn't take it any farther. He doesn't really deserve that trust since she'd definitely be hurt by other things we've done and said.

 

I know I'm being hypocritical by saying that him not stopping this is a turn-off to me when I'm not stopping it either. I'm just realizing though that maybe he really doesn't have any deeper feelings for me. A lot of you are opening my eyes to the fact that this really does look like an ego boost for him. What does he have to lose? Even if we don't sleep together, he's getting something from it. And the idea of him acting this way with me just because it makes him feel good, hurts me. It offends me.

 

I almost want to ask him about it to see what he'd say. Ask him what exactly he feels for me, but even that wouldn't be good enough since he could very easily lie to me. I don't know. I feel bad. Before coming on this site, I thought he was wonderful. But if all men really are the same as most of you are saying . . . then he's just in this for the fun of it.

[Sally522114]

Youve gotten the classic line. Hes giving himself a big "but I told you I was happily married".

 

Hes saying if you are up for fooling around so is he.

 

It doesnt get any clearer than that.

 

You are SO deep in denial its not even funny. You say you dont want any of this but of course you do or YOU would cut it off.

 

Does this mean you couldnt find in time he fell in love with you? Of course anything is possible but for now he is looking for a little fun on the side of his happy marriage.

 

If thats what you want fine if that is not what you want then dont do it.

 

Seems to me that if you were cool with this you wouldnt be looking for approval here, you would be doing it because after all you are going home in 3 months and you are able to do FWB without looking back.

 

Honestly I dont think that is true thats not how you come across and if he doesnt fall in love with you in 3 months and leave his W I think you are looking towards a big fall in the future if you get involved with him

 

Thank you for seeing my indecision and that I did not already have my mind made up about sleeping with him. I am torn. Wanting to be selfish and not wanting to hurt anyone. I didn't come on here looking for approval, I just wanted to see what some other people thought. I've discussed it thoroughly with some of my friends, however, they are all my age and I did want some insite from people with more experience. If I was a heartless bitch, I probably would already be sleeping with him, but I'm not and am not sure that I ever will and I'm beginning to doubt if I even really want to be with him that way.

[wannabdone]

Hmm, I can't remember exactly how the conversation ended. It was shortly after him telling me that he was being unfair to me. I can't remember the last words, but the impression I'm left with is that he is definitely looking forward to our next conversation. Although, he also told me he enjoys discussing other stuff as well. When we go out for lunch, rarely is anything inappropriate brought up and he said he enjoys talking that way just as much.

 

Ya know, I never really looked at it that way, but you could be right about the happily married men hiding affairs more easily. As I already said, after his wife read one of my emails to him and she was upset that he was so close with another woman, they talked and she decided to drop it because she trusts him that he wouldn't take it any farther. He doesn't really deserve that trust since she'd definitely be hurt by other things we've done and said.

 

I know I'm being hypocritical by saying that him not stopping this is a turn-off to me when I'm not stopping it either. I'm just realizing though that maybe he really doesn't have any deeper feelings for me. A lot of you are opening my eyes to the fact that this really does look like an ego boost for him. What does he have to lose? Even if we don't sleep together, he's getting something from it. And the idea of him acting this way with me just because it makes him feel good, hurts me. It offends me.

 

I almost want to ask him about it to see what he'd say. Ask him what exactly he feels for me, but even that wouldn't be good enough since he could very easily lie to me. I don't know. I feel bad. Before coming on this site, I thought he was wonderful. But if all men really are the same as most of you are saying . . . then he's just in this for the fun of it.

 

 

Sally, I am sorry, that your feelings are hurt that what you thought that this might be something different or special, might not be. I think its a common thought with OW that this isn't like all the others, our love is true and pure, so the statisitics and stories don't pertain to my situation.

 

But it comes down to hard, cold, facts. If people are seeking a R in any type out side of their M and have no thoughts of leaving or really I should say plans....its all about them. Boosting their ego to make them feel wanted, or young, or fun.

 

You seem to be a very bright woman. With a lot to give. just go give it to someone who a-deserves you and b-is available.

 

You're wasting precious time with this guy. Try not to figure out who is he is, and why so much. I know easier said than done, and just see it for what it is. Someone who has fooled his wife into thinking they have a wonderful relationship, all the while is talking about sex with another female. Just not cool. Not trust worthy, not honest, not compasionate, not a stand up guy at all. She doesn't deserve that, and neither do you.

[woinlove]

Hmm, I can't remember exactly how the conversation ended. It was shortly after him telling me that he was being unfair to me. I can't remember the last words, but the impression I'm left with is that he is definitely looking forward to our next conversation. Although, he also told me he enjoys discussing other stuff as well. When we go out for lunch, rarely is anything inappropriate brought up and he said he enjoys talking that way just as much.

 

Ya know, I never really looked at it that way, but you could be right about the happily married men hiding affairs more easily. As I already said, after his wife read one of my emails to him and she was upset that he was so close with another woman, they talked and she decided to drop it because she trusts him that he wouldn't take it any farther. He doesn't really deserve that trust since she'd definitely be hurt by other things we've done and said.

 

I know I'm being hypocritical by saying that him not stopping this is a turn-off to me when I'm not stopping it either. I'm just realizing though that maybe he really doesn't have any deeper feelings for me. A lot of you are opening my eyes to the fact that this really does look like an ego boost for him. What does he have to lose? Even if we don't sleep together, he's getting something from it. And the idea of him acting this way with me just because it makes him feel good, hurts me. It offends me.

 

I almost want to ask him about it to see what he'd say. Ask him what exactly he feels for me, but even that wouldn't be good enough since he could very easily lie to me. I don't know. I feel bad. Before coming on this site, I thought he was wonderful. But if all men really are the same as most of you are saying . . . then he's just in this for the fun of it.

 

First, don't let MM turn you off men in general. Looking to MM who return your advances as some indication of men in general is doing men a disservice.

 

As far as him acting this way because it makes him feel good - isn't that what you have been doing?

 

I think once you move on, if you were to come back and read your posts about MM, you will see them in quite a different light. You describe a much older, balding, short man who you know loves his wife and yet, after your initial advances, he paid you some special attention, returned some touches, did some titillating talk, and that likely made you feel a bit special since he has a loving wife at home. The reality is something different, he has shown a weakness in character and has pegged you as someone who overlooks that flaw in pursuit of your own fantasy. Neither of you is showing tremendous respect for each other, as professionals, as people each at their own stage in life with their own needs and commitments.

 

You are fairly young and this can be a learning experience to you as to what you actually want and need in a partner - but, more important, what you want in you and how you connect with others.

[wannabdone]

Hey Sally...

 

One other thing I just thought of is just in the last few days that you started posting, I've seen growth in you. You started here really acting like you weren't doing much of anything that you didn't have plans to be the OW, and how wonderful this man was, and all you wanted was to hear he felt the same.

 

In just a few days, and I hope it wasn't just to get me off your ass, and is in face genuine, you have accepted that you have persued him, that yes, in fact you want some kind of relationship with him and now that he just might not be as wonderful as you thought.

 

That is a lot of growth there....and I am very proud. I know I was down right harsh with you, calling you on your bs your were saying, but I hope you know I was trying to call you out, because you had deluded yourself to not feel as bad about what you were doing and that his man hung the moon.

 

Again, you are a bright, smart and I am sure beautiful woman. Do not waste another second of your life on a middle age, balding, short man who, oh by the way is already spoken for.

 

Go get yourself a young, hot, availalbe man, tall, and a full head of dark hair. Someone who is actually the honest and caring person you desire and deserve. Don't look at it as you were stupid and fell for this s**t and were being used, look at it like you have realized through this what you actually want in a man.

 

And again.... please for your sake, don't do anything with this guy. I don't give a rats azz if you are moving or not. It will RUIN your life.

 

Keep in touch also, even after you move. How long until you do?

[Sally522114]

Hey Sally...

 

One other thing I just thought of is just in the last few days that you started posting, I've seen growth in you. You started here really acting like you weren't doing much of anything that you didn't have plans to be the OW, and how wonderful this man was, and all you wanted was to hear he felt the same.

 

In just a few days, and I hope it wasn't just to get me off your ass, and is in face genuine, you have accepted that you have persued him, that yes, in fact you want some kind of relationship with him and now that he just might not be as wonderful as you thought.

 

That is a lot of growth there....and I am very proud. I know I was down right harsh with you, calling you on your bs your were saying, but I hope you know I was trying to call you out, because you had deluded yourself to not feel as bad about what you were doing and that his man hung the moon.

 

Again, you are a bright, smart and I am sure beautiful woman. Do not waste another second of your life on a middle age, balding, short man who, oh by the way is already spoken for.

 

Go get yourself a young, hot, availalbe man, tall, and a full head of dark hair. Someone who is actually the honest and caring person you desire and deserve. Don't look at it as you were stupid and fell for this s**t and were being used, look at it like you have realized through this what you actually want in a man.

 

And again.... please for your sake, don't do anything with this guy. I don't give a rats azz if you are moving or not. It will RUIN your life.

 

Keep in touch also, even after you move. How long until you do?

 

I want to start by saying, no, this change in me is not just to get you off my back. It's really because things have become so different between me and this man in just the past week. Well, quite honestly since that first talk we had about sex the Friday before last. It's made me think a lot about the situation. And coming on here and getting lots of replies has helped. I honestly didn't see clearly what I was doing but after it being pointed out to me repeatedly, I was forced to admit that yeah, I was pursuing him. I knew I was to some extent, but didn't see how agressive it would appear to an outsider.

 

I'd like to say I will never do anything with this MM, but I'm not sure yet if that is 100% true. I'm still a little mixed up and don't want to make promises I can't keep. I will say that I am going to try to stop thinking of him as much as I do. Try to find other things to occupy my time and thoughts. I still think he is fun to be around and work would not be the same without him, but I will try to leave it at that. I need to drill it into myself that he enjoys my company but that is as far as his feelings go. Anything else he's looking for is for the wrong reasons - not because he cares deeply for me, but that he likes the attention; who wouldn't?

 

I'm not sure yet when I will be moving home. We had hired one girl the week before last but she quit after only 2 days. Another started this past Wednesday so we'll see how that goes. The absolute longest I'll stay out here is mid-December, but I'm hoping I can leave sooner than that. I will deifnitely keep in touch. I hope I will only have good news to report, but either way, I will keep you and everyone else updated on the situation.

 

And thank you for being harsh. It came from a good place and you were trying to help me see what I couldn't see on my own. I truly appreciate it.

[wannabdone]

I want to start by saying, no, this change in me is not just to get you off my back. It's really because things have become so different between me and this man in just the past week. Well, quite honestly since that first talk we had about sex the Friday before last. It's made me think a lot about the situation. And coming on here and getting lots of replies has helped. I honestly didn't see clearly what I was doing but after it being pointed out to me repeatedly, I was forced to admit that yeah, I was pursuing him. I knew I was to some extent, but didn't see how agressive it would appear to an outsider.

 

I'd like to say I will never do anything with this MM, but I'm not sure yet if that is 100% true. I'm still a little mixed up and don't want to make promises I can't keep. I will say that I am going to try to stop thinking of him as much as I do. Try to find other things to occupy my time and thoughts. I still think he is fun to be around and work would not be the same without him, but I will try to leave it at that. I need to drill it into myself that he enjoys my company but that is as far as his feelings go. Anything else he's looking for is for the wrong reasons - not because he cares deeply for me, but that he likes the attention; who wouldn't?

 

I'm not sure yet when I will be moving home. We had hired one girl the week before last but she quit after only 2 days. Another started this past Wednesday so we'll see how that goes. The absolute longest I'll stay out here is mid-December, but I'm hoping I can leave sooner than that. I will deifnitely keep in touch. I hope I will only have good news to report, but either way, I will keep you and everyone else updated on the situation.

 

And thank you for being harsh. It came from a good place and you were trying to help me see what I couldn't see on my own. I truly appreciate it.

 

 

You are being a 100% honest, and most importantly being honest with yourself. So now that you are... you can fix it. Can't ever fix things as long as we are lying to ourselves. I have lied to myself for years...and sister, it has got me absolutely NO WHERE.

 

I just so badly didn't and don't want you to make mistakes I did.

 

I'm glad you are seeing things clearly. Keep posting. Before I do anything, I come here now. After I get the advise or comments, I look at things differently and it has kept me from doing some big mistakes I did in the past.

 

Its gonna be a long, hard 3 months for you. Hang in there and just keep reminding yourself what he really is and how much more you deserve!!!!

[jj33]

Thank you for seeing my indecision and that I did not already have my mind made up about sleeping with him. I am torn. Wanting to be selfish and not wanting to hurt anyone. I didn't come on here looking for approval, I just wanted to see what some other people thought. I've discussed it thoroughly with some of my friends, however, they are all my age and I did want some insite from people with more experience. If I was a heartless bitch, I probably would already be sleeping with him, but I'm not and am not sure that I ever will and I'm beginning to doubt if I even really want to be with him that way.

 

Sally I didnt mean to imply that you are a heartless bitch nor would I say someone who can have a fling and walk away is a heartless bitch. Everyone is different. But I would say that as much as relationships are all unique there are various scenarios and you can see where you fit.

 

1. There are affairs that start out with the MP just intrigued and attracted that never go any further than that theres an A its a kind of a fling and that is that. Most often the AP ends up wanting more. The majority of people who tell themselves they can handle a casual fling with a MP find out that they cant. Those who can usually just jump in and dont post here. There are of course always exceptions to the rule.

 

2. There are affaris that start off because someone is unhappy in their marriage and sometimes they leave sometimes they dont sometimes they end up with the AP sometimes they dont. Not your scenario.

 

3. And then there are the situations where the couple ends up together even if it started as something that wasnt supposed to go anywhere. Just like in any other relationship, when the "right" persons comes along things change and what was a fling may be more.

 

Only you know what is right for you. Morals aside, the reason most people would say dont do it is because if you are waivering at the begining, it doesnt get easier. There are always additional issues that go along with being the OW even if its a great relationship. And unless you know that you are someone who can just walk away from a fling, you put yourself at risk of getting into something that may be more complicated than it looks right now.

 

That is true with any relationship but for a whole host of reasons its a lot different than saying theres a single guy in my office, hes a player I dont envision myself with him forever but Im going home in 3 months and it would be fun while I am here.

[wannabdone]

Sally I didnt mean to imply that you are a heartless bitch nor would I say someone who can have a fling and walk away is a heartless bitch. Everyone is different. But I would say that as much as relationships are all unique there are various scenarios and you can see where you fit.

 

1. There are affairs that start out with the MP just intrigued and attracted that never go any further than that theres an A its a kind of a fling and that is that. Most often the AP ends up wanting more. The majority of people who tell themselves they can handle a casual fling with a MP find out that they cant. Those who can usually just jump in and dont post here. There are of course always exceptions to the rule.

 

2. There are affaris that start off because someone is unhappy in their marriage and sometimes they leave sometimes they dont sometimes they end up with the AP sometimes they dont. Not your scenario.

 

3. And then there are the situations where the couple ends up together even if it started as something that wasnt supposed to go anywhere. Just like in any other relationship, when the "right" persons comes along things change and what was a fling may be more.

 

Only you know what is right for you. Morals aside, the reason most people would say dont do it is because if you are waivering at the begining, it doesnt get easier. There are always additional issues that go along with being the OW even if its a great relationship. And unless you know that you are someone who can just walk away from a fling, you put yourself at risk of getting into something that may be more complicated than it looks right now.

 

That is true with any relationship but for a whole host of reasons its a lot different than saying theres a single guy in my office, hes a player I dont envision myself with him forever but Im going home in 3 months and it would be fun while I am here.

 

 

I completely agree with you JJ. Morals aside, this s*** is hard. And the problem that I picked up with Sally was that she seemed to admire the MM so much. And seemed to seek comfort in him being in her life. Which I totally get, and was in her shoes at right about her exact age. And now I am 40, and just trying to get over this devasting mess. Something that seems so beautiful and comforting can be so devasting. And I would not wish anyone to have gone through what I did. I would hate to see such a beautiful young woman throw so much away. I wish I would have had someone talking to me from a "nonmoralistic" stand point when I started. I would hope to say I would have done things differently. But all I had were people telling me it wasn't right, and I knew it wasn't, but had deluded myself into thinking we had something so very special that it was meant to be.

 

I still think Sal has a tough road ahead. She still cares for him and he does feel like he has his claws in her. I bet he is on top of the world being middle aged, balding, short to have such a beautiful young woman adoring him and wanting him. He will not ease up I fear, even if she tells him to bug off. He's getting way to much out of it and possibly more out of it.

 

 

Just be cautious Sal, don't mistake his pursuing other than something that it is.