Why is a managed exit a bad thing?

[SBC]

After reading many threads on here, some going back years --I get the feeling that people think a manged exit is a bad thing. Like it is some sort of criminal behavior. Why is that?

 

I mean, I can see how it could be a bad thing. But I can also see how it could be a good thing for everyone. My MM is working through a managed exit right now. His goal is to prepare things in such a way so that everyone, he, her, their kids all come out better than if he were to just pull the plug and run.

 

Most people don't even go on vacation without some sort of a plan, why would people think that changing your entire life should be done without a plan?

[ShortyJones]

Your man sounds like he has his head on right. To prepare for disaster is the best way to deal with disaster. If he is preparing an "exit strategy" it gives him all of options of failure and he can combat it now financially (prepare for court costs, child support, alimony, new home situation, extra car payments, etc )or with his time/schedule (to see the kids, go to court, move out).

 

I think it's a smart thing, but unfortunately his big miss on an exit strategy is the human factor.

[SBC]

We are older, so the custody and visitation are not an issue. Maybe because we are older is the difference

[jwi71]

After reading many threads on here, some going back years --I get the feeling that people think a manged exit is a bad thing. Like it is some sort of criminal behavior. Why is that?

 

I mean, I can see how it could be a bad thing. But I can also see how it could be a good thing for everyone. My MM is working through a managed exit right now. His goal is to prepare things in such a way so that everyone, he, her, their kids all come out better than if he were to just pull the plug and run.

 

Most people don't even go on vacation without some sort of a plan, why would people think that changing your entire life should be done without a plan?

 

Well, many speak of the managed exit only to discover the BS ups ruins all those carefully laid plans by fighting back - by say hiring a pit bull lawyer and accountant. That is to say, most managed exits never seem to materialize as intended.

 

Two, perhaps more insidious, is allowing the BS to live as if nothing is wrong - that the status quo (still being M) is the future. It denies the BS the same time to organize affairs to his/her own benefit. The BS simply wakes up to being served. Talk about a shock.

 

Three, cowardly. Look, if you want a D...ask for one. Don't sneakily get all "your" ducks in a row, all the while pretending nothing is wrong, then leave. Why not say, I want a D, hire a lawyer and move forward. This is what ultimately happens anyway...the BS is fully entitled to a lawyer and any and all investigation associated with a D - all that planning to simply have the BS' lawyer put a hold to everything while he/she sticks a microscope up the WS's azz looking for assets.

 

Four, it heightens, not lessens, the drama. There is a significant difference between told "I want a D, better hire a lawyer" and being served "out of the blue".

 

Typically, a managed exit is designed for the WS to rob the BS of assets that are legally his/hers. Its morally wrong (I know, morals went our the window long ago at this point) as well as illegal in virtually all states. Judges don;t like being lied to anymore than a BS.

 

Some initial thoughts...

[spice4life]

I don't think managed exit is bad thing. I mean if both parties are on the same page and actions are matching words. I think what you are noticing here, is that many OW are strung along with carrots only to find out they were being totally decieved. A MM leaving for an OW happens a heck of a lot less in affairs.

 

What is it about your relatiionship that actually makes you believe he is managing his exit? What is he telling you and what do his actions show? If they are equal then your chances are pretty good. When you read through the posts here you will notice that most of the posters support the OW who prove actions are meeting words...even the ones who are againt A's.

[SBC]

I don't think managed exit is bad thing. I mean if both parties are on the same page and actions are matching words. I think what you are noticing here, is that many OW are strung along with carrots only to find out they were being totally decieved. A MM leaving for an OW happens a heck of a lot less in affairs.

 

What is it about your relatiionship that actually makes you believe he is managing his exit? What is he telling you and what do his actions show? If they are equal then your chances are pretty good. When you read through the posts here you will notice that most of the posters support the OW who prove actions are meeting words...even the ones who are againt A's.

 

I guess the biggest difference is that, if he does not leave, it will not be the end of the world for me. I am single, independent, young, fairly attractive, employed gainfully. In other words, I don't need him. I want him, and love him. But, if he cannot or will not make his exit, that is his problem, not mine.

 

He knows this too and he knows that he cannot replace me easily. We don't talk much about what he is doing because it is not my business. I just move along in my life, doing my thing and I can see and feel him moving closer.

 

I do believe he is a man with integrity and that he is not gas lighting his wife. I don't believe she will be blindsided either. They have been growing apart for may years. Sometimes that happens.

[ShortyJones]

Now that I am here and reading the threads on OW and MM, I hope that the conception of that every unhappily MM is never going to leave his wife for the OW, because it does happen.

 

My mom's BF met her husband 29 years ago in an elevator. In that short amount of time on the ride down, he chased her every single day after that. Took many months and him divorcing and her divorcing for them to be together and still to this day they are happily in love. I was just at their house for the weekend last spring and he still chased her around the kitchen. Not everyone's first marriage is blissful and not to be.

 

@SBC I liked your post and I am right there with you. I think that a broken heart is worth making sure you're not missing out on something bigger.

 

I guess the biggest difference is that, if he does not leave, it will not be the end of the world for me. I am single, independent, young, fairly attractive, employed gainfully. In other words, I don't need him. I want him, and love him. But, if he cannot or will not make his exit, that is his problem, not mine.

+1 We are single, we will survive.

Edited September 5, 2011 by ShortyJones

[Avery]

A managed exit works splendidly when it's properly executed. The problem is, the only way to properly manage an exit from a marriage, is BOTH marriage partners need to be working together towards a mutually beneficial end.

 

When only ONE partner is executing a "managed exit".. then that's not a "managed exit" at all. That is sabotage and espionage.

 

The blind-sided party will usually engage with the situation as it is presented.. warfare.

[wannabdone]

I think that if a man is a decent man, he will manage an exit. A exit to where his children and his wife are taken care of financially and have the things they need.

 

I see how that is a touchy subject, because OW are dragged on so long with this. Present company included. But, if my MM had just picked up and left his family with nada, I would have zero respect for him.

 

I have seen however, this go in the opposite direction. a friend of mines mom, H had a A for 20 years, he finally left her and still to this day is with the OW, and very happy. However, he sits in his big house, nice cars, etc. While is xW, who did not work and raised his children, lives in a **** hole apartment, with no money. She has nothing, no SS, she didn't work, no job skills, she married him young, had 3 children and raised them. He had set it up and had been setting it up for years, hiding money, doing all kinds of thins where she got nothing. Which is total crap.

 

So, I think as long as they are used in order to really do right by everyone (as much as possible), they have to be. If not, I think its careless and immature, in my opinion.

[whichwayisup]

I do believe he is a man with integrity and that he is not gas lighting his wife. I don't believe she will be blindsided either. They have been growing apart for may years. Sometimes that happens.

 

You don't believe or this is what he thinks? Sure, couples can grow apart, but you know what? When talk of D happens, some spouses freak out and don't realize how much growing apart has happened and it makes the opposite happen. Or maybe she won't care and gladly divorce, it'll be easy and simple. It's anyones guess, just don't put any expectations on this as (obviously) it's out of your hands and in some sense, it's out of his hands too. He has no idea how she'll react.

 

How do you know he isn't gaslighting her? Because he's told you so? Is she at all suspicious or ask if he was cheating and having an affair? If yes, and he answered no, or it's all in your head, I wouldn't cheat on you ever.. Then he IS gaslighting her!

 

Anyway time will tell as to what happens. glad to hear that your life goes on, reguardless of what happens in his, and you haven't made him your whole life and only person in your life. Some do this, they lose themselves and put all their eggs in one basket, they forget to live life for themselves.

[woinlove]

I guess the biggest difference is that, if he does not leave, it will not be the end of the world for me. I am single, independent, young, fairly attractive, employed gainfully. In other words, I don't need him. I want him, and love him. But, if he cannot or will not make his exit, that is his problem, not mine.

 

He knows this too and he knows that he cannot replace me easily. We don't talk much about what he is doing because it is not my business. I just move along in my life, doing my thing and I can see and feel him moving closer.

 

I do believe he is a man with integrity and that he is not gas lighting his wife. I don't believe she will be blindsided either. They have been growing apart for may years. Sometimes that happens.

 

If you read LS, you will see that is not typical for a "managed exit" by MM. Most want to continue to hide the A so they are lying to their W and the "manage" part is actually trying to manipulate the lives of the W and children without the family knowing what is really going on. Typically, this is done because the MM thinks it will protect his reputation and, possibly, assets.

[daisy love]

After reading many threads on here, some going back years --I get the feeling that people think a manged exit is a bad thing. Like it is some sort of criminal behavior. Why is that?

 

I mean, I can see how it could be a bad thing. But I can also see how it could be a good thing for everyone. My MM is working through a managed exit right now. His goal is to prepare things in such a way so that everyone, he, her, their kids all come out better than if he were to just pull the plug and run.

 

Most people don't even go on vacation without some sort of a plan, why would people think that changing your entire life should be done without a plan?

It's not bad to plan! It's really really not responsible to go in naked, know what I mean?

 

See when my love was leaving he wanted to make sure he was super protected cuz BW would squander away stuff. We grew allot closer tho, and then us being together became more important than his plan to save a few greenbacks ya know? His priority changed from exiting the M to being with me! See he didn't want to keep me waiting while he haggled over some stupid house!

 

Cuz I'm worth it!!

[daisy love]

Hey! Is he plannin on winnin the lottery or something? Cuz I can see where things could come out even or maybe better for one but ya gotta face it girl, all of the ppl never come out better in a D $$wise!

 

Hey if he is gonna play Powerball, I got some numbers on my fortune cookie and he can have em if you want ok?

[MissBee]

It's not bad to plan! It's really really not responsible to go in naked, know what I mean?

 

See when my love was leaving he wanted to make sure he was super protected cuz BW would squander away stuff. We grew allot closer tho, and then us being together became more important than his plan to save a few greenbacks ya know? His priority changed from exiting the M to being with me! See he didn't want to keep me waiting while he haggled over some stupid house!

 

Cuz I'm worth it!!

 

 

LOL!

[MissBee]

A managed exit works splendidly when it's properly executed. The problem is, the only way to properly manage an exit from a marriage, is BOTH marriage partners need to be working together towards a mutually beneficial end.

 

When only ONE partner is executing a "managed exit".. then that's not a "managed exit" at all. That is sabotage and espionage.

 

The blind-sided party will usually engage with the situation as it is presented.. warfare .

 

I agree!

 

If we entered the marriage both fully aware we were marrying each other, then I'd like that if you decide you don't want to be married to me anymore you don't secretly plot an exit strategy and have a "managed exit". I mean really....it does sound like espionage lol!

 

As if you have no plans of saying anything at all....I am thinking everything is dandy and then one day you say "Hey, for 11 months now I have been managing my exit. Here's the money you'll need to survive, the kids will be okay too, bye". I mean really...that shows utter disrespect.

 

I am all for respect and no longer being in love with someone doesn't mean I don't love them and that I shouldn't respect them enough to be upfront. I think managed exits, like exit affairs, are the cowardly route to getting out of your marriage. Breaking up is always hard, esp in a marriage where you have the legalities of divorce and an intertwined life, but I think certain things do make them that much harder. If I do not want a divorce and my husband does, OF COURSE it is going to hurt and incite anger but I'd much prefer that if a problem arises he comes to me first, we go to counseling and then if he has made his mind up to divorce, he tells me upfront and I manage my feelings and he manages his and how to leave in a dignified manner for us both. But for him to be managing his exit behind my back, especially managing it and planning it with another woman...is truly disrespectful. You can at least end the marriage gracefully and perform the "last rites" with respect versus clandestine dealings. I hope to marry right just once, if however I have to divorce, I would hope that the man is honorable enough in that as much as he respected me to ask me to be his wife at one point and shared a life with me, he will not secretly plan to ditch me in a "managed exit".....I would hope he will sit me down and discuss his concerns and desires and give the relationship room to die a proper death.

Edited September 5, 2011 by MissBee

[Severely Unamused]

A managed exit works splendidly when it's properly executed. The problem is, the only way to properly manage an exit from a marriage, is BOTH marriage partners need to be working together towards a mutually beneficial end.

 

When only ONE partner is executing a "managed exit".. then that's not a "managed exit" at all. That is sabotage and espionage.

 

The blind-sided party will usually engage with the situation as it is presented.. warfare.

 

Well said.

 

It's unnecessarily dishonest. It involves planning behind somebody's back for an extended period of time. Planning for their benefit perhaps, but planning nonetheless.

 

I sorta see it as control freak behaviour tbh. Eh.

[fooled once]

Of course a exit has to managed but it's all in HOW it's managed. Is the BS being gaslighted, are the kids being used as weapons, is someone going to get the short end of the stick by going underground with finances and so on and so on.

 

Yep

 

Well, many speak of the managed exit only to discover the BS ups ruins all those carefully laid plans by fighting back - by say hiring a pit bull lawyer and accountant. That is to say, most managed exits never seem to materialize as intended.

 

Two, perhaps more insidious, is allowing the BS to live as if nothing is wrong - that the status quo (still being M) is the future. It denies the BS the same time to organize affairs to his/her own benefit. The BS simply wakes up to being served. Talk about a shock.

 

Three, cowardly. Look, if you want a D...ask for one. Don't sneakily get all "your" ducks in a row, all the while pretending nothing is wrong, then leave. Why not say, I want a D, hire a lawyer and move forward. This is what ultimately happens anyway...the BS is fully entitled to a lawyer and any and all investigation associated with a D - all that planning to simply have the BS' lawyer put a hold to everything while he/she sticks a microscope up the WS's azz looking for assets.

 

Four, it heightens, not lessens, the drama. There is a significant difference between told "I want a D, better hire a lawyer" and being served "out of the blue".

 

Typically, a managed exit is designed for the WS to rob the BS of assets that are legally his/hers. Its morally wrong (I know, morals went our the window long ago at this point) as well as illegal in virtually all states. Judges don;t like being lied to anymore than a BS.

 

Some initial thoughts...

 

Yep

 

So is the exit due to his affair? If there was no affair, would he be exiting? The answer to these questions to me defines whether he has integrity.

 

He had zero integrity when he chose affair over divorce. Zero, IMHO. Instead of being open and honest, he chose the cowards way. And if he is only choosing to exit due to having a soft place to land - you - again, a coward. And one day, when his life implodes because of his choices, he will most likely blame you since he is only leaving because of you.

 

People divorce all the time. I still cannot wrap my head around why people cheat instead of leaving. If a cheater only leaves because he has a new lover, then he truly is leaving for the mistress. If he had already chosen to divorce and the wife knew of that decision and both were taking action towards that, great.

 

So in your situation, the wife knows of the affair? You stated his wife will not be blind sighted, implying she is aware of the actions her husband is taking - an affair and a visit to a lawyer. If neither of these actions are things she is aware of, and by aware, I mean he has said them to her, then he is indeed gas lighting her.

 

I know you have equated going on vacation with leaving a marriage, but truthfully, that is like comparing apples to digging a hole. They have very little, if anything, in common.

 

When both parties are aware of plans to divorce, it gives both of them a chance to have an exit strategy. When the cheater is the only one aware, it isn't an exit strategy - it is more lying, betrayal, and cowardliness. None of those are attractive traits in my book

 

A managed exit works splendidly when it's properly executed. The problem is, the only way to properly manage an exit from a marriage, is BOTH marriage partners need to be working together towards a mutually beneficial end.

 

When only ONE partner is executing a "managed exit".. then that's not a "managed exit" at all. That is sabotage and espionage.

 

The blind-sided party will usually engage with the situation as it is presented.. warfare.

 

Good post!

[SBC]

Sometimes when I read responses on here I wonder how many of you have ever been married or divorced...or ever dissolved a household before.

 

Managing an exit is not only about money. But before we talk about that I want to say... hiding money? Seriously--the concept of hiding money is pretty ridiculous. For the average Jane and Joe, most of their assets are tied up in tangible things---a home, cars, 401ks. Things you just cant hide easily. I dont know ANYONE sitting on piles of cash and gold coins that can be "hidden" And for the average American now a days, most of that stuff has notes attached to it, making it even harder to hide. It just doesn't work that way for most people.

 

But in regards to managing an exit. There is stuff you know? The plaque that builds up on both sides after years together. Tools. Junk in the basement. Piles of magazines from subscriptions that have not been looked at for years. Fishing gear. Kids ice skates and sleds from years ago. Look around your own home and imagine having to move. Moving sucks.

 

It takes an enormous amount of time an effort to sort through this stuff and 'manage' it.

 

And once in the midst of a divorce, sorting through this stuff is crap. If a lot of this stuff can be handled before a divorce --especially one like my MM, where the two have grown apart (and yes, I know they have. Small social circle and0 their story is familiar to many people) It can make the rest of it go more smoothly.

[wannabdone]

I agree!

 

If we entered the marriage both fully aware we were marrying each other, then I'd like that if you decide you don't want to be married to me anymore you don't secretly plot an exit strategy and have a "managed exit". I mean really....it does sound like espionage lol!

 

As if you have no plans of saying anything at all....I am thinking everything is dandy and then one day you say "Hey, for 11 months now I have been managing my exit. Here's the money you'll need to survive, the kids will be okay too, bye". I mean really...that shows utter disrespect.

 

I am all for respect and no longer being in love with someone doesn't mean I don't love them and that I shouldn't respect them enough to be upfront. I think managed exits, like exit affairs, are the cowardly route to getting out of your marriage. Breaking up is always hard, esp in a marriage where you have the legalities of divorce and an intertwined life, but I think certain things do make them that much harder. If I do not want a divorce and my husband does, OF COURSE it is going to hurt and incite anger but I'd much prefer that if a problem arises he comes to me first, we go to counseling and then if he has made his mind up to divorce, he tells me upfront and I manage my feelings and he manages his and how to leave in a dignified manner for us both. But for him to be managing his exit behind my back, especially managing it and planning it with another woman...is truly disrespectful. You can at least end the marriage gracefully and perform the "last rites" with respect versus clandestine dealings. I hope to marry right just once, if however I have to divorce, I would hope that the man is honorable enough in that as much as he respected me to ask me to be his wife at one point and shared a life with me, he will not secretly plan to ditch me in a "managed exit".....I would hope he will sit me down and discuss his concerns and desires and give the relationship room to die a proper death.

 

 

I COMPLETELY AGREE!!! 100% WITH EVERYTHING YOU PUT.

 

However, as this would be the perfect scenerio, we know its not always such. When dealing with different folks, everyone acts differently. I have know people who have tried to sit down and have the honest conversation, and tried to lay out a game plan of exit that they will both mutually benefit from, hell i've even seen it where one party wouldn't benefit from it in the slightest, (financial I am talking about), only benefit from just getting out of their miserable existence of a marriage. And the spouse, just simply won't have it. It becomes a 3 ring circus. So in these cases, people are sometimes forced, if you will to go with the other way, getting things set up to be able to financially be able to do this.

 

And fyi... I'm not just speaking to my case with my xMM. (WOW!!! THAT FELT GOOD....FIRST TIME I PUT X!!! ).

However, when my xMM was going through his exiting plan, I never planned with him, helped him, had any intentions of us moving into together, immediately. Would the end result, I hoped, been that.... yes. I didn't see it at the time as how disrespectful it was to her..... and boy, is it. But, I guess there was something in me that realized how it was. I had just always told him that he needed to do it for him, because he was miserable, not to do it for me and him. I always felt if he left for me, he might resent me at some point. Any who, we see how smart I was. NOT.

 

But, I do agree that first and foremost, honesty is best. Allow the other party to be inolved. When I had spoke early that I understood and thought it was smart to do that, I didn't say if and when the first try of sitting down honestly with the partner, is impossible.

 

Just wanted to clarify.

 

[woinlove]

Sometimes when I read responses on here I wonder how many of you have ever been married or divorced...or ever dissolved a household before.

 

Managing an exit is not only about money. But before we talk about that I want to say... hiding money? Seriously--the concept of hiding money is pretty ridiculous. For the average Jane and Joe, most of their assets are tied up in tangible things---a home, cars, 401ks. Things you just cant hide easily. I dont know ANYONE sitting on piles of cash and gold coins that can be "hidden" And for the average American now a days, most of that stuff has notes attached to it, making it even harder to hide. It just doesn't work that way for most people.

 

But in regards to managing an exit. There is stuff you know? The plaque that builds up on both sides after years together. Tools. Junk in the basement. Piles of magazines from subscriptions that have not been looked at for years. Fishing gear. Kids ice skates and sleds from years ago. Look around your own home and imagine having to move. Moving sucks.

 

It takes an enormous amount of time an effort to sort through this stuff and 'manage' it.

 

And once in the midst of a divorce, sorting through this stuff is crap. If a lot of this stuff can be handled before a divorce --especially one like my MM, where the two have grown apart (and yes, I know they have. Small social circle and0 their story is familiar to many people) It can make the rest of it go more smoothly.

 

I've been married 25 years but I'm not sure what you are talking about. Who cares about magazines one hasn't looked at in 10 years? It's all just stuff. From this post, I can't tell where they are in their divorce. Are they still living together? If so, is she fine with him continuing to see you while they sort all this stuff out?

[SBC]

I've been married 25 years but I'm not sure what you are talking about. Who cares about magazines one hasn't looked at in 10 years?

 

Who cares about them? That is not the point--the point is, they, along with all the other "just stuff" has to be managed. You may be the exception in that after being married 25 years you don't know what I am talking about. I remember when my parents retired and moved to Arizona from the Midwest. Holy hell the amount of junk, it took a year of retirement before they were suitably light to move.

 

The Christmas ornaments alone were a huge project. They had three huge garage sales. And innumerable trips go Goodwill. And at least two huge dumpsters worth of trash.

 

It does not matter where they (my MM) are in their divorce. It is none of my business. I believe it is coming, but I don't know when and I don't live my life according to that time schedule anyway and I am not sitting on the sidelines cheering it on either.

[alexandria35]

I think that if a man is a decent man, he will manage an exit. A exit to where his children and his wife are taken care of financially and have the things they need.

 

I see how that is a touchy subject, because OW are dragged on so long with this. Present company included. But, if my MM had just picked up and left his family with nada, I would have zero respect for him.

 

I have seen however, this go in the opposite direction. a friend of mines mom, H had a A for 20 years, he finally left her and still to this day is with the OW, and very happy. However, he sits in his big house, nice cars, etc. While is xW, who did not work and raised his children, lives in a **** hole apartment, with no money. She has nothing, no SS, she didn't work, no job skills, she married him young, had 3 children and raised them. He had set it up and had been setting it up for years, hiding money, doing all kinds of thins where she got nothing. Which is total crap.

 

So, I think as long as they are used in order to really do right by everyone (as much as possible), they have to be. If not, I think its careless and immature, in my opinion.

 

The bolded above is the kind of managed exit that makes peoples hair stand on end. And I think this is often the type of managed exit most MM's who are serious about leaving are trying to obtain. It's dirty and disgusting.

[MissBee]

Who cares about them? That is not the point--the point is, they, along with all the other "just stuff" has to be managed. You may be the exception in that after being married 25 years you don't know what I am talking about. I remember when my parents retired and moved to Arizona from the Midwest. Holy hell the amount of junk, it took a year of retirement before they were suitably light to move.

 

The Christmas ornaments alone were a huge project. They had three huge garage sales. And innumerable trips go Goodwill. And at least two huge dumpsters worth of trash.

 

It does not matter where they (my MM) are in their divorce. It is none of my business. I believe it is coming, but I don't know when and I don't live my life according to that time schedule anyway and I am not sitting on the sidelines cheering it on either.

 

Question: do you think this type of management is best handled by one party, in secret?

 

I do agree that dissolving a marriage requires the management of many facets of the almost-non-couple's lives...and I imagine since it is so complex, it is probably better managed by them both versus one person planning a managed exit on their own then springing it on this other person after they've supposedly planned it all out.

 

Whether or not you are still in love, your lives are still intertwined and it seems crazy impossible, to me, that one person can successfully "manage an exit" in such a manner that works for both patterns, with zero input from this other party they are intertwined with. To assume you know what is best for me and what I want and need is devaluing...I am not a child. But then again, it goes back to the idea that many managed exits, while de jure are about "the best interest of all" are de facto more so helpful to the individual doing all the planning sans input from this other adult they are up to this date, in an arrangement with.

[woinlove]

Who cares about them? That is not the point--the point is, they, along with all the other "just stuff" has to be managed. You may be the exception in that after being married 25 years you don't know what I am talking about. I remember when my parents retired and moved to Arizona from the Midwest. Holy hell the amount of junk, it took a year of retirement before they were suitably light to move.

 

The Christmas ornaments alone were a huge project. They had three huge garage sales. And innumerable trips go Goodwill. And at least two huge dumpsters worth of trash.

 

It does not matter where they (my MM) are in their divorce. It is none of my business. I believe it is coming, but I don't know when and I don't live my life according to that time schedule anyway and I am not sitting on the sidelines cheering it on either.

 

I understand having the stuff, but I can't see thinking it is that important to divide up magazines, old toys, etc. I think it is different for a couple staying together and sorting through that stuff, than a couple divorcing. The couples I know who divorced didn't spend much time on stuff like that - they were more concerned about helping their children adapt if they had dependent children and moving on emotionally themselves. I find it quite surprising that one has 2 people who both think it is important to spend much time on stuff pre-divorce. You'd think at least one of them would say, screw the stuff, I need you out of my life now so I can move on. If not both of them.

[woinlove]

Question: do you think this type of management is best handled by one party, in secret?

 

I do agree that dissolving a marriage requires the management of many facets of the almost-non-couple's lives...and I imagine since it is so complex, it is probably better managed by them both versus one person planning a managed exit on their own then springing it on this other person after they've supposedly planned it all out.

 

Whether or not you are still in love, your lives are still intertwined and it seems crazy impossible, to me, that one person can successfully "manage an exit" in such a manner that works for both patterns, with zero input from this other party they are intertwined with. To assume you know what is best for me and what I want and need is devaluing...I am not a child. But then again, it goes back to the idea that many managed exits, while de jure are about "the best interest of all" are de facto more so helpful to the individual doing all the planning sans input from this other adult they are up to this date, in an arrangement with.

 

Isn't this all out in the open? I thought SBC said MM was acting with integrity and not lying to his W.

 

Or maybe you are just asking, in general, for other cases that aren't so honest?