Why is a managed exit a bad thing?

[SBC]

I can see that the floodgates were opened for a lil' while there.

 

Anyway, coming from the perspective of a woman that successfully pulled off a "managed exit" (sans any OM to fall back on), I still stand by what was posted earlier. There was no real reason to keep my stbxH in the dark. But I did.

.

 

Why did you do this?

[woinlove]

I can see that the floodgates were opened for a lil' while there.

 

Anyway, coming from the perspective of a woman that successfully pulled off a "managed exit" (sans any OM to fall back on), I still stand by what was posted earlier. There was no real reason to keep my stbxH in the dark. But I did.

 

My 2 cents.

 

Your case raises interesting ethical questions, don't you think? I think one can convincingly argue just because you discover your spouse has been having a secret affair is not justification to turn around and have your own secret affair. On the other hand, one often hears of a BS discovering the WS's affair and instead of confronting them right away, spending time getting their own act together - whether that is collecting more information to confirm the affair or planning how they could move on independently. In some cases, this might be essential to the survival of the BS if they are completely dependent on the WS for finances and the WS now can't be trusted. Or they may need more evidence if the WS will simply deny and gaslight.

 

But, my understanding is that you were going to survive in any case. I don't see your behavior the same as a WS who is not only continuing to keep the A secret but also getting his/her own ducks lined up while keeping the BS in the dark.

 

How do you think about your behavior in hindsight? Do you feel it was justified because of your WS showing his lack of trustworthiness? Or do you think it was selfish? Although it sounds like you have offered him good finances. Also you were acting in the immediate aftermath of discovering your H's A. Many BS are in an atypical state at that time.

 

Anyway, you don't have to answer these direct questions, but if you are so inclined, I'd be interested in your responses.

[bentnotbroken]

Just different posting styles I guess. On a long thread, I usually read the whole thing before replying so as to get caught up with the conversation. that way I don't make someone have to repeat themselves. I already addressed what you posted in your reply to my original post.

 

 

Yes, just two things that we do differently. I am not in the habit of reading others responses before deciding what my opinion would be. I have never had the power to MAKE someone repeat anything they didn't desire to repeat. Just ask anyone who ignores my posts on a regular basis.

[TurboGirl]

A managed exit works splendidly when it's properly executed. The problem is, the only way to properly manage an exit from a marriage, is BOTH marriage partners need to be working together towards a mutually beneficial end.

 

When only ONE partner is executing a "managed exit".. then that's not a "managed exit" at all. That is sabotage and espionage.

 

The blind-sided party will usually engage with the situation as it is presented.. warfare.

 

Agreed. The entire term "managed exit" makes me think that the one spouse can't wait to get away from the other spouse, and just dumps it aaaaallllll on him/her one day. "Hey, I'm leaving, and here are the terms for our divorce. See ya." Righto, that is totaly f***** up, and completely once sided and IMHO, shows a total and absolute of respect for their spouse. OOOhh wait, it is usually the MM who is doing this to his Wife, so okay then. And everyone wonders why the betrayed wives get super p****** and go for the jugular. If a guy just walks out like that, with a "managed exit" no discussion, no explanation, zip, nada, that is pretty mean and cold hearted.

 

See bolded above, the only correct way to "manage an exit" as far as I'm concerned.

[NoIDidn't]

The OP is kind of confusing with her statements of wanting a general conversation and then interjecting personal bits into the conversation that she seems to want ignored.

 

From the things that were mentioned so far, this "managed exit" could simply be the MM selling off a few things to build up savings in this weak economy and splitting the money with his W to do some other things around the house.

 

Overall, I can't say that a managed exit is the worst thing in the world. I think most that want a divorce to it to a degree. Its just that its offensive when there is an OP here talking about someone else's divorce that is really none of their business and complaining about what the jilted spouse wants as their fair share (which again is NONE of their business).

 

But there are managed exits where one gets their ducks in a row without planning to stiff their STBX and managed exits where the OP tells the MP what they want out of the deal and how to stiff the jilted spouse in the worse ways.

 

There is a former OW that used to speak in such generalities because she didn't want to go into the details and have people say things that might pierce the reality she wanted to put her trust into. That's what the OP comes across like. And that former OW found out in the worst way that her MM was not divorcing at all.

 

My point, OP, is be willing to receive opinions that don't jibe with yours without being so jaded and judging people for believing differently from you. You'd be surprised how these things can turn out. And you'd be surprised how someone with a different opinion can give you a HELPFUL perspective IF you keep an open mind and stop assuming that those posting with you lack life experience.

 

What's the point of posting with people if you are going to pre-judge negatively almost everything said that doesn't fit your own limited worldview?

[Severely Unamused]

Why did you do this?

 

Couple of reasons.

 

There was an element of control to it. My husband became incredibly self-destructive in the midst of his affair. What would have happened had I tried being open and honest with him from the start? I didn't want to take the risk of "fighting fair". I wanted to take control of the situation.

 

I wanted to make 100% sure that both my son and my stbxH would be well looked after. They will both be living far more comfortable lives than me after the divorce. So in that respect, I succeeded.

 

Revenge. My husband had lied by omission. I did the same. I have a compassionate side and a sadistic side.

 

Self-preservation. I wanted to make sure that I would be taken care of after the divorce. The topic of assets being moved around was brought up earlier in this thread. I have a reasonable enough knowledge of my country's laws to know the difference between illegal actions and d*ckish but legal actions. I committed the latter.

 

There is a level of altruism and a level of egoism that comes with the "managed exit". Many will put emphasis on the former, and while neglecting the latter.

 

How do you think about your behavior in hindsight? Do you feel it was justified because of your WS showing his lack of trustworthiness? Or do you think it was selfish? Although it sounds like you have offered him good finances. Also you were acting in the immediate aftermath of discovering your H's A. Many BS are in an atypical state at that time.

I do love ethics.

 

I acted like quite a sneaky b*tch. I don't know if it was "justified". I believe that it was selfish.

 

I'm not sorry for my actions, but I am disappointed in the way that I acted.

[Silly_Girl]

So, I dont believe their is anything nefarious about his actions. He is just preparing for what many will call inevitable. And I cannot help but wonder how many people that claim to be "blindsided" are just living like ostriches to the actions of their spouse. When the efforts of both have stopped, and one just wants to hang on because it is comfortable, and the other wants to move on, it is bound to be an uncomfortable situation.

 

I agree with you here.

[26pointblue]

Sometimes when I read responses on here I wonder how many of you have ever been married or divorced...or ever dissolved a household before.

 

I'm not sure what's up with your condescending tone. I don't know anything about having been married or divorced & so therefore I haven't spoken on that subject on your thread. However I know from having been an OW & reading on these boards that many MM SAY that what they are doing is a 'managed exit' to keep OW happy/ on the side . . . but in fact they are not doing that or the plans change. Whether they are deliberately lying to her, or whether they think they might make a managed exit, or are trying to & then have a change of mind/heart . . . only time will tell. In your case it doesn't sound like your MM has made his managed exit so by your own logic [people who haven't been married/divorced can't talk about it, so people whose MMs haven't successfully managed an exit can't talk about it either], you can't talk about it. If it turns out successfully in your case then please do come back & tell us how it works & why. But in the meantime you could just be believing his excuses/intentions without ever seeing the proof in the pudding, so this all could be a theoretical discussion, with your hypothetical opinions . . . just like those who may not have ever been married/divorced are contributing to your discussion w/ their hypothetical opinions. C'mon, it works both ways, & no one has a monopoly on the best way to handle affairs . . . which are messy & unpredictable to begin with.

[26pointblue]

Ok, to me, actions speak louder than words. I would think if I saw my husband starting managing his stuff in a way that he has never done before, I would be curious as to what is up. So, he may not be talking to her with words, but I believe he is screaming with his actions. They have grown apart --they don't talk. It is the reason their ,arriage (like so many others) broke down, a lack of communication. They did therapy for a while after they talked about divorce recently, but neither wanted to put much effort into it. .

 

Okay, so you've talked about him 'managing his stuff' as in getting rid of stuff that is only 'his' & not jointly 'theirs' unless he asks her first. I'm going with your definition of 'managing his stuff,' then, & asking you, if maybe just maybe she is so busy with her own life & 'stuff' that she doesn't really care what he's doing with his stuff? Why should she just assume that means he wants a divorce, if he hasn't told her? And let's say she does get suspicious & ask . . . the conversation could very well go like this [since you admit you aren't a fly on the wall & don't know/what to know what is going on with them]:

 

MM's wife: Honey why are you taking boxes of your stuff to Goodwill?

 

MM: I read an article about de-cluttering my life, & it seems like now's the time to do it. I have way too much stuff.

 

She should assume from this that he wants a divorce?! C'mon, it's called gaslighting & many MMs do it . . . he could be telling her one thing & you another. I think you are being way too trusting & naive & I just would hate to see you get hurt.

[TurboGirl]

Couple of reasons.

 

I'm not sorry for my actions, but I am disappointed in the way that I acted.

 

I do not believe that, you had the presence of mind and took care of yourself. Not quite the same as a managed exit, IMHO. Ok, well, mabye you managed it and forced him to exit...

 

As a women I feel that you have to take care of yourself and your finances, because no matter what anyone says, the H bascially cares about himself and/or MAYBE the kids. If a man is leaving for another woman, then that is his main focus. Not taking care of the lady who had children with him and took care of him for 20 years, etc.

[Severely Unamused]

I do not believe that, you had the presence of mind and took care of yourself. Not quite the same as a managed exit, IMHO. Ok, well, mabye you managed it and forced him to exit...

 

As a women I feel that you have to take care of yourself and your finances, because no matter what anyone says, the H bascially cares about himself and/or MAYBE the kids. If a man is leaving for another woman, then that is his main focus. Not taking care of the lady who had children with him and took care of him for 20 years, etc.

 

I agree that my circumstances were a bit different from what this thread was touching on.

 

But it was well planned. It was methodical. And it was an exit. It was a ME from the side of the BW. I call a spade a spade.

 

It's fascinating...my husband didn't suspect a thing when d-day hit. Was he in denial? Was he apathetic? Or did he simply trust me to trust him? Something for next week's MC.

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts.

[phillyfan]

After reading many threads on here, some going back years --I get the feeling that people think a manged exit is a bad thing. Like it is some sort of criminal behavior. Why is that?

 

I mean, I can see how it could be a bad thing. But I can also see how it could be a good thing for everyone. My MM is working through a managed exit right now. His goal is to prepare things in such a way so that everyone, he, her, their kids all come out better than if he were to just pull the plug and run.

 

Most people don't even go on vacation without some sort of a plan, why would people think that changing your entire life should be done without a plan?

 

Dude lyin & cheatin is wrong - that's why. It's simple write from wrong, known the difference between shown a wife some dignity n respect, versus f**kin some chick behind her back while plannin how 2 keep as much cash from her as possible when he leaves her.

[woinlove]

Couple of reasons.

 

There was an element of control to it. My husband became incredibly self-destructive in the midst of his affair. What would have happened had I tried being open and honest with him from the start? I didn't want to take the risk of "fighting fair". I wanted to take control of the situation.

 

I wanted to make 100% sure that both my son and my stbxH would be well looked after. They will both be living far more comfortable lives than me after the divorce. So in that respect, I succeeded.

 

Revenge. My husband had lied by omission. I did the same. I have a compassionate side and a sadistic side.

 

Self-preservation. I wanted to make sure that I would be taken care of after the divorce. The topic of assets being moved around was brought up earlier in this thread. I have a reasonable enough knowledge of my country's laws to know the difference between illegal actions and d*ckish but legal actions. I committed the latter.

 

There is a level of altruism and a level of egoism that comes with the "managed exit". Many will put emphasis on the former, and while neglecting the latter.

 

I do love ethics.

 

I acted like quite a sneaky b*tch. I don't know if it was "justified". I believe that it was selfish.

 

I'm not sorry for my actions, but I am disappointed in the way that I acted.

 

Thanks for explaining.

 

The stories I've read of WS managing their exit dragged on much longer than your "managing" did (where the whole thing seemed to be contained to a week or so) and most didn't show evidence of the altruistic side.

[SBC]

Okay, so you've talked about him 'managing his stuff' as in getting rid of stuff that is only 'his' & not jointly 'theirs' unless he asks her first. I'm going with your definition of 'managing his stuff,' then, & asking you, if maybe just maybe she is so busy with her own life & 'stuff' that she doesn't really care what he's doing with his stuff? Why should she just assume that means he wants a divorce, if he hasn't told her? And let's say she does get suspicious & ask . . . the conversation could very well go like this [since you admit you aren't a fly on the wall & don't know/what to know what is going on with them]:

 

MM's wife: Honey why are you taking boxes of your stuff to Goodwill?

 

MM: I read an article about de-cluttering my life, & it seems like now's the time to do it. I have way too much stuff.

 

She should assume from this that he wants a divorce?! C'mon, it's called gaslighting & many MMs do it . . . he could be telling her one thing & you another. I think you are being way too trusting & naive & I just would hate to see you get hurt.

 

It could be like that, I doubt it is, but I guess anything is possible. As for me being trusting, naive and getting hurt because he is telling me one thing and her another. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die and I would be sad too. But, as I said before, my whole world is not wrapped up in him. I do not spend my days dreaming of our future. I live my life, and he lives his. I believe he is moving in a direction of ending his current life and at some point will become independent. But until then, he is just a very nice, albeit very small, part of my very full life.

[SBC]

Dude lyin & cheatin is wrong - that's why. It's simple write from wrong, known the difference between shown a wife some dignity n respect, versus f**kin some chick behind her back while plannin how 2 keep as much cash from her as possible when he leaves her.

 

Dude, the world must be a terribly scary place for you if you automatically assume this is the way everyone behaves.

[SBC]

The OP is kind of confusing with her statements of wanting a general conversation and then interjecting personal bits into the conversation that she seems to want ignored.

 

From the things that were mentioned so far, this "managed exit" could simply be the MM selling off a few things to build up savings in this weak economy and splitting the money with his W to do some other things around the house.

 

Overall, I can't say that a managed exit is the worst thing in the world. I think most that want a divorce to it to a degree. Its just that its offensive when there is an OP here talking about someone else's divorce that is really none of their business and complaining about what the jilted spouse wants as their fair share (which again is NONE of their business).

 

But there are managed exits where one gets their ducks in a row without planning to stiff their STBX and managed exits where the OP tells the MP what they want out of the deal and how to stiff the jilted spouse in the worse ways.

 

There is a former OW that used to speak in such generalities because she didn't want to go into the details and have people say things that might pierce the reality she wanted to put her trust into. That's what the OP comes across like. And that former OW found out in the worst way that her MM was not divorcing at all.

 

My point, OP, is be willing to receive opinions that don't jibe with yours without being so jaded and judging people for believing differently from you. You'd be surprised how these things can turn out. And you'd be surprised how someone with a different opinion can give you a HELPFUL perspective IF you keep an open mind and stop assuming that those posting with you lack life experience.

 

What's the point of posting with people if you are going to pre-judge negatively almost everything said that doesn't fit your own limited worldview?

 

I am not pre-judging anyone. But I am finding that everyone here is intent on telling me that I am too trusting, too naive and that I am going to get hurt WHEN he does not divorce. In response to that I am saying that yes, anything could happen. He could decide to stay, and if so, that would be his choice and that is not something I can control. It would not be the end of my world. As I have said, he and I don't talk about their relationship or where they are in their relationship or their level of communication--we talk about us. He tells me that he is moving towards becoming independent, and I see that his actions back up his words.

 

My situationist did get mixed up into this thread (unfortunately and I apologize)

[phillyfan]

Dude, the world must be a terribly scary place for you if you automatically assume this is the way everyone behaves.

 

I ain't assumin anythin, I am talkin about u and ur boyfriend, this is exactly wat he is doin n u aint bothered about the lyin or the cheatin.

[SBC]

I ain't assumin anythin, I am talkin about u and ur boyfriend, this is exactly wat he is doin n u aint bothered about the lyin or the cheatin.

 

You are absolutely assuming. How can it be otherwise? You know nothing of the situation other than what little I posted here.

 

I will say this. I believe that if someone wants to make a change in their life, they have the right to do so. Even if it is radical and it upsets the lives of others. We all have the right to live our version of what life is supposed to look like.

 

But I am also firm believer in if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. So, if what he is doing is moving to cheat her by keeping as much cash and assets from her as possible --I want nothing to do with him. He knows this too.

[bentnotbroken]

Come on Philly, you can't assume that people who cheat are lying to their spouse. Even if their spouse has no clue they are cheating.

[xxoo]

. And I cannot help but wonder how many people that claim to be "blindsided" are just living like ostriches to the actions of their spouse. When the efforts of both have stopped, and one just wants to hang on because it is comfortable, and the other wants to move on, it is bound to be an uncomfortable situation.

 

Sometimes efforts have stopped by both, but sometimes that is not the case.

 

The two people I witnessed being blindsided by divorce were both working very hard to keep their increasingly miserable spouse happy. The label "doormat" may have applied in both cases.

 

In both cases, though, the spouse had a lot of excuses for their misery (work, mostly), and didn't tell the spouse that they wanted a divorce until they'd tested out a new relationship (plural, in one case). Knowing the WSs in these situations, I believe they would not have had the confidence to leave without having someone else waiting as a "safety net". And it did strike me as very unfair that they pulled the rug out from under their spouses so suddenly, considering how they had already arranged a safety net for themselves. If the WS is deliberately hiding the affair, and the plans to leave, I do believe there can be an argument for a "crime" in a managed exit.

 

BSs aren't the only ones who are blindsided. OW/OM are, too, when "thrown under the bus". Were they ostriches, too? Or did they trust what they were told, accepting the justifications for the actions of their AP? Seems there is some common ground here for both the BS and the AP of a cowardly MM/MW.

[jthorne]

We are older, so the custody and visitation are not an issue. Maybe because we are older is the difference

 

I guess the biggest difference is that, if he does not leave, it will not be the end of the world for me. I am single, independent, young, fairly attractive, employed gainfully.

Your posts are curiously like another OW that posts here, so I was interested in the similarities.

 

I'm confused a bit about the bolded, which one is it?

[MissBee]

The world is already plagued by misunderstandings; I think if one would like to leave one's spouse, one should speak up versus "manage one's affairs" and presume that it must be obvious to the other that this means they want a divorce. I mean really...no one is a mind reader and when we expect people to be, we get in lots of trouble. My perception and reading of your behavior may be very different from what you're intending, so I'd rather you state what's going on so I am crystal clear.

 

I for one hate those who speak in codes and vagaries and worst those who resort to passive aggressive actions versus speaking frankly.

 

Nothing is wrong with leaving your spouse, falling out of love etc but like the whole manner of affairs, employing shady tactics, adds insult to injury. People are inevitably going to be hurt by a breakup but to further humiliate or insult them by either having an affair or secretly planning one's exit without ever giving them a heads up, is another thing.

 

I believe in respect and like I said, just because I don't want to be with you anymore doesn't mean I should treat you like you were never important. We entered into an agreement together at some point and have been sharing a life for however long and if things change, the least I can do is inform you of this. I think you deserve that much versus me having lengthy plans behind your back. That's how I prefer to deal with people and that's how I would hope to be dealt with.

[26pointblue]

 

But I am also firm believer in if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. So, if what he is doing is moving to cheat her by keeping as much cash and assets from her as possible --I want nothing to do with him. He knows this too.

 

But is he not cheating on her and/or lying to her by omission? Unless she knows of & approves of him seeing you, is he not hurting her/their relationship without her knowledge, going behind her back & betraying her & breaking his promises to her? If so, you're okay with him doing this to you??

 

Anyway, you put up a tough front but if he doesn't mean that much to you, move on & keep this drama out of your life. If he does mean something to you then admit it & don't act like you won't be hurt if it turns out he's not really going to be with you. I think you're lying to yourself. Just my take on things, having BTDT.

[Owl]

An exit, 'managed' by only ONE side of the partnership is never an exit that truly has the best interests of both parties at it's core.

 

Quadrupally so when the "managed exit" is being 'managed' by someone already involved in an 'exit affair'.

 

Which pretty much sums up why a managed exit is a bad thing.

 

This is NOT rocket science.

[country_gurl]

 

I do believe he is a man with integrity and that he is not gas lighting his wife. I don't believe she will be blindsided either. They have been growing apart for may years. Sometimes that happens.

 

Men of "integrity" don't have affairs.

 

You have no real idea as to whether he's gas-lighting his wife or not because you only know what he TELLS you. Just like you have no real way of knowing for certain whether they are growing apart or not. They can't be that far apart if he's still married to her.