Why is a managed exit a bad thing?

[alexandria35]

Who cares about them? That is not the point--the point is, they, along with all the other "just stuff" has to be managed. You may be the exception in that after being married 25 years you don't know what I am talking about. I remember when my parents retired and moved to Arizona from the Midwest. Holy hell the amount of junk, it took a year of retirement before they were suitably light to move.

 

The Christmas ornaments alone were a huge project. They had three huge garage sales. And innumerable trips go Goodwill. And at least two huge dumpsters worth of trash.

 

It does not matter where they (my MM) are in their divorce. It is none of my business. I believe it is coming, but I don't know when and I don't live my life according to that time schedule anyway and I am not sitting on the sidelines cheering it on either.

 

Okay, I think you are talking about a different kind of managed exit here. In the past there have been OW who have spoken of their MM's managing an exit behind their wives back, as in plotting and planning how to leave and still get most of the assets. IMHO this is cruel and devious. You seem to be talking about a managed exit where both the husband and wife discuss and decide with each other how best to manage their break up. I don't think anyone here has a problem with that. As I said, in the past, managed exits have refered to the MM secretly plotting to screw over his BS.

[SBC]

Question: do you think this type of management is best handled by one party, in secret?

 

I do agree that dissolving a marriage requires the management of many facets of the almost-non-couple's lives...and I imagine since it is so complex, it is probably better managed by them both versus one person planning a managed exit on their own then springing it on this other person after they've supposedly planned it all out.

 

Whether or not you are still in love, your lives are still intertwined and it seems crazy impossible, to me, that one person can successfully "manage an exit" in such a manner that works for both patterns, with zero input from this other party they are intertwined with. To assume you know what is best for me and what I want and need is devaluing...I am not a child. But then again, it goes back to the idea that many managed exits, while de jure are about "the best interest of all" are de facto more so helpful to the individual doing all the planning sans input from this other adult they are up to this date, in an arrangement with.

 

In secret? How do you imagine he is doing this in secret? First off, a person is allowed to manage their "stuff" any way they want, right? So, he has managed his stuff, and gotten rid of years of crap --sold things, dumped things, given stuff away. This is his right to do.

 

I am certain (based on the man I know) that for things that are theirs jointly, he has asked her about them before managing them. No crime there either. And I seriously doubt he is throwing out her HS yearbooks without her permission.

 

It seems like so many of you that the only acceptable course of action for a man wanting to leave his marriage is to say so the minute the though first enters his head and to pretty much go out naked. I disagree. I dont believe he has the right to screw her over, or steal, but if he wants to be better prepared, then fine. Hell, I wish my exhusband had been more prepared... it would have been far less messy that way

[woinlove]

In secret? How do you imagine he is doing this in secret? First off, a person is allowed to manage their "stuff" any way they want, right? So, he has managed his stuff, and gotten rid of years of crap --sold things, dumped things, given stuff away. This is his right to do.

 

I am certain (based on the man I know) that for things that are theirs jointly, he has asked her about them before managing them. No crime there either. And I seriously doubt he is throwing out her HS yearbooks without her permission.

 

It seems like so many of you that the only acceptable course of action for a man wanting to leave his marriage is to say so the minute the though first enters his head and to pretty much go out naked. I disagree. I dont believe he has the right to screw her over, or steal, but if he wants to be better prepared, then fine. Hell, I wish my exhusband had been more prepared... it would have been far less messy that way

 

So he is still lying to his W??

[SBC]

Isn't this all out in the open? I thought SBC said MM was acting with integrity and not lying to his W.

 

Or maybe you are just asking, in general, for other cases that aren't so honest?

 

I do not know the status of their understanding or communication at this point. I know he has told her in the past he is unhappy, and they have discussed divorce within the last year. But I do not claim to know what has actually transpired and what she thinks. Hell, I don't even know what he thinks. How many OW have heard their MM say he was leaving, only to have him not leave? No one knows what really dwells in the heart and mind of another.

 

I am not a fly on the wall in their home. And MM and I don't talk about it.

 

I only see what he is doing and that is all that matters to me.

[MissBee]

Isn't this all out in the open? I thought SBC said MM was acting with integrity and not lying to his W.

 

Or maybe you are just asking, in general, for other cases that aren't so honest?

 

I don't know about her personal situation. I am responding and have assumed all along that the question was about managed exits in general and not her situation. My question to her isn't about her situation, just her thoughts about managed exits as a whole.

[SBC]

So he is still lying to his W??

 

Still? What do you mean by still? I am certain I did not say he was lying to her.

[MissBee]

In secret? How do you imagine he is doing this in secret? First off, a person is allowed to manage their "stuff" any way they want, right? So, he has managed his stuff, and gotten rid of years of crap --sold things, dumped things, given stuff away. This is his right to do.

 

I am certain (based on the man I know) that for things that are theirs jointly, he has asked her about them before managing them. No crime there either. And I seriously doubt he is throwing out her HS yearbooks without her permission.

 

It seems like so many of you that the only acceptable course of action for a man wanting to leave his marriage is to say so the minute the though first enters his head and to pretty much go out naked. I disagree. I dont believe he has the right to screw her over, or steal, but if he wants to be better prepared, then fine. Hell, I wish my exhusband had been more prepared... it would have been far less messy that way

 

Just saw your response before I replied to woinlove...I actually didn't mean your specific situation as I don't recall the details, but was discussing managed exits on principle.

 

I am now confused about what you are describing as a managed exit. What is your definition or what does it entail, as throughout this thread my answers have been based on the definition of a managed exit as one in which one party gets their ducks in order, without the other person's knowledge and often while in an A, then after all their planning is done, they tell their spouse they want a divorce. Is that something different from what you're discussing?

[woinlove]

Still? What do you mean by still? I am certain I did not say he was lying to her.

 

Sorry, I find your posts confusing. Do they have an open M? Usually one doesn't refer to oneself as an OW when the W has known about you since the beginning. My H and I don't refer to each other's partners as OW or OM.

[SBC]

Just saw your response before I replied to woinlove...I actually didn't mean your specific situation as I don't recall the details, but was discussing managed exits on principle.

 

I am now confused about what you are describing as a managed exit. What is your definition or what does it entail, as throughout this thread my answers have been based on the definition of a managed exit as one in which one party gets their ducks in order, without the other person's knowledge and often while in an A, then after all their planning is done, they tell their spouse they want a divorce. Is that something different from what you're discussing?

 

Ok, to me, actions speak louder than words. I would think if I saw my husband starting managing his stuff in a way that he has never done before, I would be curious as to what is up. So, he may not be talking to her with words, but I believe he is screaming with his actions. They have grown apart --they don't talk. It is the reason their ,arriage (like so many others) broke down, a lack of communication. They did therapy for a while after they talked about divorce recently, but neither wanted to put much effort into it.

 

So, I dont believe their is anything nefarious about his actions. He is just preparing for what many will call inevitable. And I cannot help but wonder how many people that claim to be "blindsided" are just living like ostriches to the actions of their spouse. When the efforts of both have stopped, and one just wants to hang on because it is comfortable, and the other wants to move on, it is bound to be an uncomfortable situation.

[SBC]

Sorry, I find your posts confusing. Do they have an open M? Usually one doesn't refer to oneself as an OW when the W has known about you since the beginning. My H and I don't refer to each other's partners as OW or OM.

 

They do not have an open marriage

[MissBee]

Ok, to me, actions speak louder than words. I would think if I saw my husband starting managing his stuff in a way that he has never done before, I would be curious as to what is up. So, he may not be talking to her with words, but I believe he is screaming with his actions. They have grown apart --they don't talk. It is the reason their ,arriage (like so many others) broke down, a lack of communication. They did therapy for a while after they talked about divorce recently, but neither wanted to put much effort into it.

 

So, I dont believe their is anything nefarious about his actions. He is just preparing for what many will call inevitable. And I cannot help but wonder how many people that claim to be "blindsided" are just living like ostriches to the actions of their spouse. When the efforts of both have stopped, and one just wants to hang on because it is comfortable, and the other wants to move on, it is bound to be an uncomfortable situation.

 

Thanks for the response, although, you've described the situation between your MM and his wife, defended his actions as not nefarious and commented on people in general feeling blindsided and you not getting that but have not explained what you mean by a managed exit in general. Was your topic supposed to be about your situation or just a general question? If it was your situation, then admittedly I don't know about it so am not responding or judging it specifically.

 

Anyway: actions do speak louder than words, however, in many cases that is called passive aggression. Passive aggression in my book, should be tacked on as the 8th deadly sin.

 

I'd rather not read in between the lines with someone I have been married to but would much prefer them to speak to me, like a real person and someone they respect despite not being inlove with me. That is all. I will provide this courtesy and would like the same to be done for me, versus dropping hints, clues and being passive aggressive. Sure the message gets across but it is no doubt more demeaning.

Edited September 6, 2011 by MissBee

[fooled once]

Sometimes when I read responses on here I wonder how many of you have ever been married or divorced...or ever dissolved a household before.

 

Managing an exit is not only about money. But before we talk about that I want to say... hiding money? Seriously--the concept of hiding money is pretty ridiculous. For the average Jane and Joe, most of their assets are tied up in tangible things---a home, cars, 401ks. Things you just cant hide easily. I dont know ANYONE sitting on piles of cash and gold coins that can be "hidden" And for the average American now a days, most of that stuff has notes attached to it, making it even harder to hide. It just doesn't work that way for most people.

 

But in regards to managing an exit. There is stuff you know? The plaque that builds up on both sides after years together. Tools. Junk in the basement. Piles of magazines from subscriptions that have not been looked at for years. Fishing gear. Kids ice skates and sleds from years ago. Look around your own home and imagine having to move. Moving sucks.

 

It takes an enormous amount of time an effort to sort through this stuff and 'manage' it.

 

And once in the midst of a divorce, sorting through this stuff is crap. If a lot of this stuff can be handled before a divorce --especially one like my MM, where the two have grown apart (and yes, I know they have. Small social circle and0 their story is familiar to many people) It can make the rest of it go more smoothly.

 

 

Sorry but as someone who was married and indeed divorce, what he is allegedly doing by throwing out magazines isn't managing his exit :laugh:

 

It's called cleaning up. And most men don't give a crap about junk around the house! Most people who decide to divorce don't go around the house and label "mine" "hers". and no, they don't go thru Christmas ornaments. Most men dont care about that stuff! If this is what he is telling you, he is totally playing you!!! You say the kids are frown - it is normal for the parents to have yard sales to get rid of unwanted stuff. For all you know, they are downsizing to buy a smaller more manageable place.

 

So the answer to the questions (1) does the wife know if the affair and (2) dies the wife know of the alleged decision to divorce and (3) has he started actual real life divorce proceedings is no, no and no. ???

 

Hey, if you are happy being the ow, go for it. If not, maybe start asking questions and ask for actual proof of the wife's knowledge of the affair and divorce. Ask him If it is okay for you to call his wife to verify things or ask to sit down with them so you can be included in the discussion regarding managing the exit

 

And FYI - retiring and getting a divorce are not alike; just like planning a vacation is not like managing an exit.

[woinlove]

Ok, to me, actions speak louder than words. I would think if I saw my husband starting managing his stuff in a way that he has never done before, I would be curious as to what is up. So, he may not be talking to her with words, but I believe he is screaming with his actions. They have grown apart --they don't talk. It is the reason their ,arriage (like so many others) broke down, a lack of communication. They did therapy for a while after they talked about divorce recently, but neither wanted to put much effort into it.

 

So, I dont believe their is anything nefarious about his actions. He is just preparing for what many will call inevitable. And I cannot help but wonder how many people that claim to be "blindsided" are just living like ostriches to the actions of their spouse. When the efforts of both have stopped, and one just wants to hang on because it is comfortable, and the other wants to move on, it is bound to be an uncomfortable situation.

 

You haven't explained the situation, but from the pieces I am picking up, it sounds like MM has been having an affair that he is keeping secret from his W, he is managing some kind of exit maybe leading to a divorce, but still isn't telling his wife about his affair, and now you suggest spouses that don't just pick up on things with a MM like this are ostriches. Hmmm.

[SBC]

Thanks for the response, although, you've described the situation between your MM and his wife, defended his actions as not nefarious and commented on people in general feeling blindsided and you not getting that but have not explained what you mean by a managed exit in general. Was your topic supposed to be about your situation or just a general question? If it was your situation, then admittedly I don't know about it so am not responding or judging it specifically.

 

.

 

It was a general question, to which I got a lot of the expected replies.

[bentnotbroken]

After reading many threads on here, some going back years --I get the feeling that people think a manged exit is a bad thing. Like it is some sort of criminal behavior. Why is that?

 

I mean, I can see how it could be a bad thing. But I can also see how it could be a good thing for everyone. My MM is working through a managed exit right now. His goal is to prepare things in such a way so that everyone, he, her, their kids all come out better than if he were to just pull the plug and run.

 

Most people don't even go on vacation without some sort of a plan, why would people think that changing your entire life should be done without a plan?

 

 

Who died and made him God? What gives his behind the right to make any decisions for her? He managing his exit, so as to cover his azzets. He is as noble as a fly doing what flies do. The plan should include both people who decided to marry, not just the one who wants to use cowardly actions.

[SBC]

Sorry but as someone who was married and indeed divorce, what he is allegedly doing by throwing out magazines isn't managing his exit :laugh:

 

It's called cleaning up. And most men don't give a crap about junk around the house! Most people who decide to divorce don't go around the house and label "mine" "hers". and no, they don't go thru Christmas ornaments. Most men dont care about that stuff! If this is what he is telling you, he is totally playing you!!!

 

 

Such a big ugly brush you paint 'most' men with. Besides, I don't want most men.

 

In regards to our situation, we shall see. And in the meantime, I continue on my own path, a journey I must say, I am enjoying very much. What he does with his life does not define me.

 

Interesting conversation and I appreciate it. I did mean for it to be more general though.

[SBC]

Who died and made him God? What gives his behind the right to make any decisions for her? He managing his exit, so as to cover his azzets. He is as noble as a fly doing what flies do. The plan should include both people who decided to marry, not just the one who wants to use cowardly actions.

 

Apparently you did not get past reading the first post of this thread before flying to the keyboard. I'll just wait till you catch up.

[bentnotbroken]

Sometimes when I read responses on here I wonder how many of you have ever been married or divorced...or ever dissolved a household before.

 

Managing an exit is not only about money. But before we talk about that I want to say... hiding money? Seriously--the concept of hiding money is pretty ridiculous. For the average Jane and Joe, most of their assets are tied up in tangible things---a home, cars, 401ks. Things you just cant hide easily. I dont know ANYONE sitting on piles of cash and gold coins that can be "hidden" And for the average American now a days, most of that stuff has notes attached to it, making it even harder to hide. It just doesn't work that way for most people.

 

But in regards to managing an exit. There is stuff you know? The plaque that builds up on both sides after years together. Tools. Junk in the basement. Piles of magazines from subscriptions that have not been looked at for years. Fishing gear. Kids ice skates and sleds from years ago. Look around your own home and imagine having to move. Moving sucks.

 

It takes an enormous amount of time an effort to sort through this stuff and 'manage' it.

 

And once in the midst of a divorce, sorting through this stuff is crap. If a lot of this stuff can be handled before a divorce --especially one like my MM, where the two have grown apart (and yes, I know they have. Small social circle and0 their story is familiar to many people) It can make the rest of it go more smoothly.

 

 

REALLY, good thing you aren't the authority on that one. There are more than a few of us here who were victims(oops I mean recipents) the "managed exit". You know what happened when I found out about the managed exit. I hired a pit bull lawyer, used everything at my disposal and made damn sure that exit was not only managed, it was managed on my terms when he was handed divorce papers and he left the house with his drawers in hand(the dirty ones,not the clean ones). The things he and OW planned never came to pass and I made sure that the grave that was being dug for me was the one he was buried in. Manged exit my azz.

[woinlove]

Originally Posted by SBC

After reading many threads on here, some going back years --I get the feeling that people think a manged exit is a bad thing. Like it is some sort of criminal behavior. Why is that?

 

I'm pretty sure no one on LS has referred to a MM sorting through magazines that he hasn't read for 10 years as some sort of criminal behavior.:laugh:

 

This thread is a bit like your first thread, SBC - an interesting topic but not one you actually want to discuss. People mean something quite different by managed exit than sorting through old junk.

[bentnotbroken]

Apparently you did not get past reading the first post of this thread before flying to the keyboard. I'll just wait till you catch up.

 

 

I responded to the original post because it was the first was it not? I have enough infractions for responding to others. If you wish for there to be no responses to your original post maybe you should specify that if you aren't the first to respond....don't bother.

[bentnotbroken]

Is that why he had supposed "breakup sex" with his wife? Because his priorities changed? I think you're right daisy. His priorities DID change.

 

 

You know that MM of DL changes like the wind.

[SBC]

I'm pretty sure no one on LS has referred to a MM sorting through magazines that he hasn't read for 10 years as some sort of criminal behavior.:laugh:

 

This thread is a bit like your first thread, SBC - an interesting topic but not one you actually want to discuss. People mean something quite different by managed exit than sorting through old junk.

 

And maybe they do. Maybe my sitch is just that different. I am not trying to be obstinate, I guess these are just the observations of my situation.

[SBC]

I responded to the original post because it was the first was it not? I have enough infractions for responding to others. If you wish for there to be no responses to your original post maybe you should specify that if you aren't the first to respond....don't bother.

 

Just different posting styles I guess. On a long thread, I usually read the whole thing before replying so as to get caught up with the conversation. that way I don't make someone have to repeat themselves. I already addressed what you posted in your reply to my original post.

[MissBee]

A managed exit to me is like having a roommate whom you've signed a lease with and you expect that this person will pay their half of the bills and you yours and you've organized your life around this agreement. Then one day, for whatever reason, difference in financial circumstances, your roommate suddenly hates you, or whatever else, this person decides they are planning to break the lease and move out in 3 months. However, they mention NOTHING to you, so that you can get your life in order and figure out what you're going to do now, and look for another roommate or some such. They busy themselves with finding other housing, everyday they move furniture out when you're not at home until a week before the 3 month mark they announce they're moving. That is that. They gave you no forewarning (or as SBC suggested, they expected you to notice that they've been moving furniture, read between the lies and plan your life based on these assumptions).

 

I think most would agree that such a situation is pretty messed up and the proper and responsible thing to do, would be to at least inform your roommate of the POSSIBILITY that you're moving, even if it isn't final, just a heads up that they may need to find a new roommate, and when you know for sure, you tell them in a timely manner so that they can get to manage their own life and reorganize it since circumstances are changing. Anything else is just irresponsible and inconsiderate.

Edited September 6, 2011 by MissBee

[Severely Unamused]

I can see that the floodgates were opened for a lil' while there.

 

Anyway, coming from the perspective of a woman that successfully pulled off a "managed exit" (sans any OM to fall back on), I still stand by what was posted earlier. There was no real reason to keep my stbxH in the dark. But I did.

 

My 2 cents.