lifeispain Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 or is it just something people tell you to make you feel better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeispain Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 but what if the other person didn't do anything wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
antinko Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 We don't find 'better'. This whole 'better' nonsense is silly because it's as if we line up people and grade them... False. It's a sure fire way of preventing healing. The accurate way of looking at it is that you'll find someone more suitable. If you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 There is a great lover out there for all of us, but we won't find and keep them if we aren't ready. The point is to make sure you're ready for a healthy relationship. Are you acting like the "better" person you're seeking to find? Then look at your past relationships to learn what didn't work and try to avoid those traits and those types of situations again. Link to post Share on other sites
lymtal1 Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 i agree. better is very relative. better than what? than your previous? there will be a set of characteristics that you will base eveything on. these will come from the past person you were with. and if you thought theses were great than you will look for them in the next person. you hopefully will be looking for things that made the relationship fail and steer away from that set. does not mean they are better, just maybe different. and hopefully more compatible for you. this will give you the best shot at having a fufilling relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Arlia Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 When one gets through a BU, I think it's a normal reaction to compare the ex with any girls out there to see if they would be suitable for gf material. Right now I think my ex was not perfect, but she almost got everything I look for in a woman so I don't think I can find 'better' than her. The sad thing is I took her for granted and show she's gone, so i'll kick myself for a very long time for not giving my best. Maybe I will think differently when I'm in love again (she was my first gf, lasted 4.5 years) but I'm very skeptical now. Link to post Share on other sites
lovesickmonkey Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I can say with a good deal of certainty that I won't find one younger or prettier. I can say with equal certainty that I will find one smarter, kinder, more compassionate, more communicative, funnier, and better in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Nohbody Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I guess it depends on what criteria you are comparing. No one is inherently 'better' than anyone else. I might be a better boxer than you, but you might be a better marble shooter. No one is perfect, and so you will always have to take the goods and the bads of anyone with whom you are in a committed relationship. Just make sure she's got bigger boobs. Or a bigger wang. You know. In general terms. Link to post Share on other sites
TLCbear Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 or is it just something people tell you to make you feel better? I guess it depends on the individual and the person they dated last. Some people actually have dated the worst type of person, therefore, it's a lot easier to find better. However, it can be just the opposite. As for myself, I can say I have ended up finding better after the first two relationships, the next person always had certain qualities the last one didn't have (that I've always wanted) and the connection was better as well. However, this time around, I'm pretty skeptical. I guess I will see... Link to post Share on other sites
Diatribes Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Just make sure she's got bigger boobs. LOL I busted up at this! "Bigger is better" so that would be a "yes" in my book. I think, no, I know I can find "better" than my ex. In retrospect, she treated me like dog sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
waliz Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I can say with a good deal of certainty that I won't find one younger or prettier. I can say with equal certainty that I will find one smarter, kinder, more compassionate, more communicative, funnier, and better in bed. Thank you! I very likely can find one younger and prettier. But maybe not richer. Link to post Share on other sites
pandora_be Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 When one gets through a BU, I think it's a normal reaction to compare the ex with any girls out there to see if they would be suitable for gf material. Right now I think my ex was not perfect, but she almost got everything I look for in a woman so I don't think I can find 'better' than her. The sad thing is I took her for granted and show she's gone, so i'll kick myself for a very long time for not giving my best. Maybe I will think differently when I'm in love again (she was my first gf, lasted 4.5 years) but I'm very skeptical now. the new girl hasn't hurt your feelings and did not say in some kind of way: "go **** yourself!" to me I guess you need three things in a gf before it can work out: - you have to feel attracted to her for something you can't explain in words - she has to admire you and laugh about most of your mistakes and have serious word with you if you hurt her and help you prevent it the next time - you both need to be willing to create an environment in which both of you can make and share powerful emotional experience on a pace you are both comfortable with: from sending fun text msgs back and forth to a holiday in Japan or just a great night without sleeping in bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Finch Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Relationships end because something is wrong, or someone is unhappy. Incompatibility, bad timing, poor choices. There are many reasons why things don't work out. Will you find someone better than your ex? As others have said, it really depends on your definition of "better". If you're looking for a carbon copy of your ex, that rarely happens. But I do believe that every relationship generates valuable experience both about how to maintain a relationship, and also what you expect or desire from one. I have noticed (both in regards to myself and to friends) that experience leads many people to go on and find new partners who are more compatible with them, and allows them to work through problems more maturely. If by "better" one means being happier, more secure and more fulfilled in a relationship after an ex, then yes, I believe we do find someone "better". Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 My ex is a liar, a cheater, and never stopped meeting greeting and screwing other women behind my back the entire time we were together, including the one he married right after dumping me. And he also treated me like shi* while always promising that things would get better. The man I am with now is honest, trustworthy, treats me like gold, exclusive with me, and is truly the BIGGER, better deal. I know that I made a much better choice this time. And to think, it was my ex that introduced us the year before. So even that relationship had some good come out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
olivec Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I just want to meet the right person for me and not go through the same bul**** anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
pandora_be Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I just want to meet the right person for me and not go through the same bul**** anymore. the less you try to appeal and fit in to get the partner, the more chance you wil bump into the right one where you can focus on the two of you instead of how you can please your partner to avoid a breakup (again) especially if you take your ex back it's a heavy burden. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeispain Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 what i'm really afraid of is not meeting somebody that was even just half the person my ex was. this sounds really pathetic and desperate i know. but even though he was the one who broke up with me, i thought he was great and perfect for me. Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 oh i think so too but look a bit deeper you ll realize its not true. he dumped you though, so thats even clearer. he doesnt know and appreciate the wonderful person you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeispain Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 oh i think so too but look a bit deeper you ll realize its not true. he dumped you though, so thats even clearer. he doesnt know and appreciate the wonderful person you are. i know this is gonna sound clique, but he did appreciate me throughout the course of the breakup, he did think i was wonderful, but some stuff just happened to make him realize the relationship wasn't going anywhere. not that i was a bad girlfriend or anything. but anyways, any guy i meet i end up comparing to him, and nobody measures up to the person he is/was. and i end up looking for all the good qualities he had and i miss. i know i shouldn't do that but i just can't help it. on paper he was perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 I don't like the notion of comparing ex's, in terms of, for instance " she was thinner" or " she had a prettier face".... It is rather gross, to line people up and think of them as a pile of body parts, that are better or worse than others.... OF course, on a basic level, we know if one person was well below the other ( if they were MUCH better looking...).. However, if both girls were attractive, and possessed many great personal qualities; if both girls were amazing in their own ways, comparisons should not really come to mind... My boyfriend dated a very smart, funny, and great girl before me. In addition to being an amazing person, she is also very, VERY beautiful... At first, I was upset that my boyfriend could be comparing my appearance to hers, after all, she was sTUNNING. Ultimately, I am attractive in my own ways too, and he loves me for that. SUre, she had a smaller nose than me, and she can speak 3 - 4 languages.... However, I am me, and I have enough going for me, for my boyfriend to fully love me, without thinking about how his ex had a better nose, smile, or other such physical features than I do. I honestly do not think all guys would sit there, and make notes on what part of their ex's were more attractive, at least physically speaking, than their current girl... I would think thaat it is more logical, if both girls were attractive, and there is not a gross difference in looks, that MOST guys would be too busy getting to KNOW their new girlfriend, rather than waste too much time comparing their ex's... My boyfriend compared his ex to me in a good way; I had personal issues, and still do, that I need to resolve, in order to be a better PERSON... His ex had a personality and qualities that HE wished I had, but only because it would make me a happier person, and he wants me to be as happy as possible. For example, he told me that I should be less high maintenance, and more random and more crazy, when it comes to doing random things with him.. He thought that I was a great person, but that I could BENIFIT from those qualities. I have since taken it upon myself to better myself, and his suggestions regarding his ex's good qualities, has served as motivation, for me to become a better version of myself. In summary, on occassion, it can be helpful to point out to your current partners, qualities that u feel would benifit them ( if they have certain issues, as I did, that were hindering me from being the best version if myself). In my case, the qualities that have made me better as a person, were qualities my boyfriends ex had. He never even mentioned his ex, until I asked him.. I talked to his ex, and found her to be such a great person, and a VERY good match for my boyfriend.. On the other hand, i was a bit of a broken person, and wanted to be more like her ( certain qualities, not HER). I asked him once what I could do, to become a better person, and a more suitable match for him.. In response, he told me that he feels I would be happier if I was _________ ( lower maintenance, enjoying life more, etc). Currently, I am much happier in myself, about who I am, and am thankful that I was able to develope better qualities, such as the ones his ex possesses. I certainly know that he does not sit around comparing how much prettier or smarter or what not, his ex was than I am.... He loves me, and would have better things to do. If i was that far below his ex, he would not bother with me, if he did not think I was amazing, inside and out. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 i agree with previous posters who have pointed out that there really is no such thing as someone being "better" than someone else. people are different. and if that person is different from your ex in a way that works for you then that's what works best for you. but that doesn't mean that the new guy/girl is better. now if only i could convince myself of that - - i still can't help thinking from time to time that the ex found someone better than me *sigh* i can never seem to follow my own advice. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Today I found better than my ex.... when I looked in the mirror. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reimeivn Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 i mean the wonderful person that he would do anything to spend the rest of his life with. have you ever met any wonderful person that loved you but you dont love back? me i did. i did but they were not as wonderful as someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 i mean the wonderful person that he would do anything to spend the rest of his life with. have you ever met any wonderful person that loved you but you dont love back? me i did. i did but they were not as wonderful as someone else. I had a relationship with a man that wanted to marry me. He was the sweetest, most affectionate man, and an amazing lover. He was the whole package. But, I was too young and I lost attraction to him. Without chemistry, even the greatest man won't make you happy. I reflect back on that and it makes me smile to know that guys that great do exist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lifeispain Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 this is all good advice, thanks guys! Link to post Share on other sites
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