tarsjc Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 First time poster. I am struggling because I feel betrayal from my friends. I have two life-long friends that I've known since I was 8 years old. I'm currently 33 and we've continued to nuture our friendship for years. Both friends are currently engaged (one of them to be married in the next two months) and I am in the wedding. The problem is that they are asking my ex (4yrs ago) to also be in their weddings and I am very hurt by this. My relationship that ended lasted for 12 years and ended really badly. I allowed myself to be used and abused during this time and when it finally ended, I was depressed (couldn't get out of bed) for a year. Bottom line is that I hated who I was during that time and alot of my yucky feelings about myself have resurfaced (I wish it didn't effect me like this). I really feel like I have moved on from my past disaster but I feel like the "scab" from my wound has been ripped open, and while I'm so glad that my relationship is over, I can't help but feel hurt that my friends are taking such a neutral position about the whole thing. They are still friends with my ex and I am trying to be ok about this, but I'm also feeling such a lack of protection and loyalty about the whole thing. My inclination is to pull away from them because I don't trust that they are true friends, but I'm also wondering if I'm being hyper-sensitive because of the emotions that have come flooding back when I think about the thought of having to potentially be in the same room as my ex. Do you think that I should just gut it out to honor my friends wishes for their weddings or do you think I should take a stand and pull out? Thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
opentonewadvice Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 You need to carry on with the plans you already had being in your friend wedding. Never let anybody or anything stand in your way especially when it comes to facing an ex present yourself as confident because sometimes people like to see negative reactions or have something to talk about .but if you show him and everyone around you that you can deal with it like he is not even in the room you will be respected and you will feel alot better knowing you are fully over him. because he cannot no longer control your feelings are distract you. Now i do not blame you for being upset about your friends chose in letting him be apart of the wedding . because that would bother me especially since they know the two of you parted ways in a bad relationship. but at the same time you have to ask yourself did your friend or friends do this intentionally to hurt you? if the answer is no then i would not suggest you ending a long time friendship over this. You have to be the bigger person and procede on with things and maybe this even happened for a reason maybe him seeing you doing just fine not down and depressed will show him you really have moved on from things in the past. but if you choose to let this get the best of you and not attend the wedding i guarantee you will regret this later, And then you will start to wonder if he thinks oh she did not come because of me and maybe she is not over me. And you do not want to have to go through all the what if's or i wonder what everyone is thinking later. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 When you say "in the wedding" what exactly do you mean? Are you a part of the wedding party? And does that mean that he is also? Or is he just invited to attend the wedding? There is a good argurment for divorced parents to patch their differences up for a few hours for the sake of their child's big day, but you are not their parents. Regardless, you should find a way that makes it possible for you to attend because, like opentonewadive, I think you'll live to regret it if you don't go. If they have placed you both in the wedding party then I would be upset too. Surely your friends know how bad this relationship was for you? And if so why would they purposefully place you in a situation where you would have to interact with the guy? You don't have to be "over" your bad relationship to the extent that you should be able to socialise with the guy and don't let anyone tell you that you should. You say you've moved on with your life and put your past disaster behind you. For many people that is about as "over it" as they can get and that is perfectly acceptable. If it is the case that you are both "in the wedding" then if I were you I would pull out of those obligations and just be a guest at the wedding. Are you currently seeing someone? I think it would be very helpful to have a date with you, someone you can count on for emotional support and someone who'll be by your side for the entire event if that is what you require. Look like a million bucks, be gracious and smile a lot. You may have to acknowledge your ex's presence, keep it short, just smile and nod in his general direction. Have an excuse ready to bow out early if you can't take it. As a guest you don't have an obligation to stay the entire evening, just for the ceremony and the dinner. But you never know, you may find you're having a good time despite the persence of your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tarsjc Posted May 7, 2004 Author Share Posted May 7, 2004 For the wedding in two months I am a reader (catholic wedding) and ex is a gift presenter. The other wedding I am in the wedding party and I haven't had the courage to ask about the ex, but I suspect that its a yes also. I really appreciate your advice. I think that I can handle the actual day but how do I proceed with these friendships when I am burning up inside about their actions? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 Originally posted by tarsjc For the wedding in two months I am a reader (catholic wedding) and ex is a gift presenter. The other wedding I am in the wedding party and I haven't had the courage to ask about the ex, but I suspect that its a yes also. I really appreciate your advice. Regarding the wedding where you are a part of the wedding party - ask them about him. Be honest with your friends about how you feel but don't make them an ultimatum about choosing. I think they should have been more sensitive about your feelings on this matter and they certainly should have talked to you about it first. Weddings usually have guests that people haven't seen for years and it's quite possible that people will ask about the two of you and place you in an awkward position. Are they aware about how difficult your relationship was with this guy? I would have thought that for they own sake they should have at least handled you and him with a little more tact. After all, who wants a scene at their wedding? Put yourself in a different mindset before going. Think about it like some kind of UN meeting where leaders of warring countries have to sit around the same table and play diplomacy while the entire time what they really want to do is savagely beat the crap out of each other. And prepare yourself in advance as much as possible. Like, what will you do if he asks you to dance? What will you do if he joins you while you're eating? What are you going to tell people if they ask about the two of you? That's why I think you should have a date and stick with each other all the time. Have a prearranged signal whereby your date knows when and how to intervene and move you away from him. But again, you never know, you may find that you're stronger than you thought. Sometimes it can be good to face you demons. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted May 7, 2004 Share Posted May 7, 2004 I would be hurt also... your friends are the ones who are suppose to stand up for you, protect you, drag you out when you need it. And then to have them put you in such a difficult situation, ouch. Perhaps they realize just how strong you are? But you can look at it like this. Here is your chance to get back at him for every rotten thing he has ever done. Smile. laugh. Talk to everyone (except for him). And totally and completely ignore him. If he tries to talk to you, or corner you in anyway, simply turn and walk away (you do not even have to say anything). And just remember, if at any time it gets to be too much for you... you can escape and leave. I do wish you luck, but I know you can do anything with flying colors. Link to post Share on other sites
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