Am I Being Unfair by Asking Him to Do This?

[ilovehim77]

I am in love with a man who's SEPARATED from his wife. He told me that he had been separated for 2 years and he's working through the divorce. He has 3 kids.

 

I am a single woman, NOT young. I want to get married and have kids within the next year or so. His divorce looks like it would be dragging on for years.

 

Is it fair or not if I told him that I wanted to keep my options open by dating other guys. I still plan to be sexually faithful to him, but I am considering to see what my other options are. He's not dating others.

 

Am I being unfair? I feel really bad about this. I'm in love with him. But it's my dream to have kids and a big family. I'm not willing to give that up for anyone. What should I do? Thanks.

[MissBee]

I do not think a separated man is a prime candidate for you to start planning your future with, esp. if you have a time frame like a year, in which you want to be wed.

 

I do think it is a bit strange to have such a short time frame but the point is that, you're right not to wait for him or anyone and should do as you need to.

 

Just tonight my bestfriend and I were discussing how much we've grown and how putting our lives on hold or planning our lives around romantic interests makes no sense, especially if it is not already a committed scenario. Often times when you put your life and plans on hold for a situation that doesn't pan out, you feel very foolish. You're not being unfair to him. He is currently in a situation not in sync with what you'd like and he doesn't seem to be able to promise you anything, you're wise to recognize that this may not be IT and you should keep your options open. If he is fair and loves you truly, he will understand this and it will prompt him to let you go as he can't give you want OR try to expedite the process that will lead to him getting you what you want.

[wannabdone]

So, how long have you been with him? I am guessing a while since you say you love him.

 

Have you always been open with him that you wanted to be married by __ time line? Did he agree to that originally?

 

I guess, I am just a little confused. Because you say your in love with him, but then you said he told you he has been seperated for two years....so that kind of makes me thing maybe you just met him. Hard to get clear understanding from posts, I know. I'm usually all over the board when I post.

 

Why the concern for a year? Just the age thing? You mentioned your not young. Marriage + kids in a year is damn near impossible with anyone. if your not already engaged at this time. I guess I am trying to understand this huge sense of urgency.

 

Sorry for all the questions.

[RainDown]

I am in love with a man who's SEPARATED from his wife. He told me that he had been separated for 2 years and he's working through the divorce. He has 3 kids.

 

I am a single woman, NOT young. I want to get married and have kids within the next year or so. His divorce looks like it would be dragging on for years.

 

Is it fair or not if I told him that I wanted to keep my options open by dating other guys. I still plan to be sexually faithful to him, but I am considering to see what my other options are. He's not dating others.

 

Am I being unfair? I feel really bad about this. I'm in love with him. But it's my dream to have kids and a big family. I'm not willing to give that up for anyone. What should I do? Thanks.

 

What's his timeline on this? Does he want to be remarried and have more children within the next year? Why is the divorce dragging out? 2 years is plenty of time for a divorce to have been finalized. Does he want to jump right from one marriage into another and have more children right now in addition to the 3 he has already?

 

You ask if it's fair or not to tell him you want to keep your options open and date other guys. I think dating other people is your choice and your right. He may not mind; he may hate it; he may break up with you over it. That's up to him, but it's your prerogative to decide what is best for you.

 

I will say I think it's a bit unrealistic to try to go from zero to having a husband and children within the next year - with him or anyone else. That is not a lot of time to find the right guy, develop a solid relationship, get engaged, get married, and start having children.

 

I will say though that it's refreshing to see someone who knows exactly what she wants and when she wants it!

[whichwayisup]

Are you sure he's separated? 100% sure? 2 years? Just wondering if you can actually verify what he has told you. How long have you two been together, how old are his kids, how many years was he married? Some back info would be helpful.., thanks.

 

Realistically, your plan in life, where you are now, doesn't match his. Meaning, he's already got 3 kids, an impending divorce, child support, possibly spousal support too, and let alone in the future to help put THREE kids through college.. he has a lot of financial responsibilities.. Can he afford to have another 3 kids, with you? You say you want a big family and for the process to happen within a year or so.. Do you believe the timing is right with this guy? Have you told him that you want to be married, have lots of children? If so, what was his response?

 

Do date, get to know others, but hate to say this, continuing to have sex with him during this time will only prevent you from opening your heart to someone else. You love this guy and want to marry him, start a family with him.. He's been there, done that already. Think about that part in all this, as well as his age and of course, the money factor!

[whichwayisup]

He told me that his ex has a boyfriend. She lives in the big house and he lives in a condo near work.

 

But the other weekend, he told me that he had to leave (around 11pm). He told me that his wife was with her boyfriend and he had to go to the big house and stay there, because the kids would be waiting up for him.

 

Thanks for your guys' honest opinions.

 

I saw you posted this on another thread in the dating section.

 

What does your gut say about this? Did you believe him when he told you this?

That he had to leave, on a weekend while he was with you, at 11pm, to go see his kids who are waiting up for him? I smell somethin' fishy here..

[country_gurl]

I saw you posted this on another thread in the dating section.

 

What does your gut say about this? Did you believe him when he told you this?

That he had to leave, on a weekend while he was with you, at 11pm, to go see his kids who are waiting up for him? I smell somethin' fishy here..

 

I agree it smells fishy, too. Why would a man who's TRULY separated and living separate and apart from his wife (who reportedly has a boyfriend) have to leave his girlfriend at 11pm on a weekend to go to his estranged wife's home because his kids would be "waiting up for him"? That doesn't even seem logical or believable. If him and his allegedly estranged wife don't live together, why would he be expected to return to HER home?

 

Why is he still supposedly 'separated' after 2 years?

 

Lots of corporate professional guys have a condo close to work, particularly if their primary home is a fair distance to work and they work a lot of late nights or have to entertain clients. Sometimes large companies even OWN or lease condos for their high level employees for this reason.

 

Who's so say this guy IS really "separated"?

 

Why would you get involved with a man who has 3 kids and is still technically married when you have a time-table of wanting to marry and have children? Obviously a man who is separated and still has a divorce to go through is not going to want to just jump into another marriage, nor should he. Curious why you didn't consider this all when you decided to get involved with him?

[wannabdone]

I saw you posted this on another thread in the dating section.

 

What does your gut say about this? Did you believe him when he told you this?

That he had to leave, on a weekend while he was with you, at 11pm, to go see his kids who are waiting up for him? I smell somethin' fishy here..

 

 

YUP! Something stinks here.

 

That doesn't make sense. I went through a long divorce myself, and never had my xH come over and hang out at my house in the middle of the night.

 

What gives? Don't be putting up with that junk, girl.

[TurboGirl]

I am in love with a man who's SEPARATED from his wife. He told me that he had been separated for 2 years and he's working through the divorce. He has 3 kids.

 

I am a single woman, NOT young. I want to get married and have kids within the next year or so. His divorce looks like it would be dragging on for years.

 

Is it fair or not if I told him that I wanted to keep my options open by dating other guys. I still plan to be sexually faithful to him, but I am considering to see what my other options are. He's not dating others.

 

Am I being unfair? I feel really bad about this. I'm in love with him. But it's my dream to have kids and a big family. I'm not willing to give that up for anyone. What should I do? Thanks.

 

 

OK. You want a husband and you want to start a family ASAP.

 

Your MM is still married, still a husband to someone else, AND has 3 kids to boot. Pretty fair chance he might not want to bring any more kiddies into the world that he has to support. Why are you pinning your hopes on him? Doesn't look a like a good prospect to me.

 

I would date others, get yourself OUT of the A, find yourself a nice single guy to settle down with. I don't believe that you can't find someone out there. I just don't. Especially if your biological clock is ticked, it should be your first priority to date available men.

[ilovehim77]

Thanks for helping me see the situation more clearly.

 

I don't think that he's REALLY separated from his wife, if he still has the keys and can go visit the big house when he wants to.

 

I asked him last night what was going on with his separation from his wife and whether he wanted kids. He said,

 

"I'm done with her. I want kids."

 

But realistically, if I were a man and just went through separation and working through a divorce + 3 kids, I would want a break. A long break.

 

I have great chemistry with him and have been with him for 3 months. He was away for work for 2 of those 3 months, but he texts me every day. He also bought me an amazing gift for my birthday. I thought he cared about me.

 

I wasn't in love with him, until he texted me every day and told me that he loved me, adored me, and only wanted me. Now, I think I'm falling for him. ****!

 

I told him last night that I wanted to date other guys and see what my options are. First, he said that it would kill him if I started to go out with men who want to sleep with me.

 

After I insisted, he told me that he would want to talk about it when he's back (he's still away for the long trip for work, but will be back next week). He said he wanted me to be happy. He also wanted to know if "sexually faithful to him" meant that I would only sleep with him, but date others.

 

I feel so angry about myself. Why can't I find another man who's more available and who I have the same level of chemistry with?

 

I have always felt great about myself. I have to say that since I started dating this guy, I found myself crying at nights a few times. I don't know why, but this sudden burst of sadness would overcome me.

 

I have other single guys who want to date me, but I just couldn't feel any sparks with them. They just seem boring and flat. What's wrong with me???

[xxoo]

I wasn't in love with him, until he texted me every day and told me that he loved me, adored me, and only wanted me. Now, I think I'm falling for him. ****!

 

I feel so angry about myself. Why can't I find another man who's more available and who I have the same level of chemistry with?

 

I have always felt great about myself. I have to say that since I started dating this guy, I found myself crying at nights a few times. I don't know why, but this sudden burst of sadness would overcome me.

 

I have other single guys who want to date me, but I just couldn't feel any sparks with them. They just seem boring and flat. What's wrong with me???

 

Most single guys won't break out the "I love you!" early on. Married guys can do that because, what does he have to lose? Not his freedom, lol, because he isn't free anyway.

 

Maybe the single guys seem more flat because they are moving slower, and more cautious. But that is a good thing, because when they DO say it, they are more likely to put action behind the words.

[country_gurl]

Thanks for helping me see the situation more clearly.

 

I don't think that he's REALLY separated from his wife, if he still has the keys and can go visit the big house when he wants to.

 

I asked him last night what was going on with his separation from his wife and whether he wanted kids. He said,

 

"I'm done with her. I want kids."

 

But realistically, if I were a man and just went through separation and working through a divorce + 3 kids, I would want a break. A long break.

 

I have great chemistry with him and have been with him for 3 months. He was away for work for 2 of those 3 months, but he texts me every day. He also bought me an amazing gift for my birthday. I thought he cared about me.

 

I wasn't in love with him, until he texted me every day and told me that he loved me, adored me, and only wanted me. Now, I think I'm falling for him. ****!

 

I told him last night that I wanted to date other guys and see what my options are. First, he said that it would kill him if I started to go out with men who want to sleep with me.

 

After I insisted, he told me that he would want to talk about it when he's back (he's still away for the long trip for work, but will be back next week). He said he wanted me to be happy. He also wanted to know if "sexually faithful to him" meant that I would only sleep with him, but date others.

 

I feel so angry about myself. Why can't I find another man who's more available and who I have the same level of chemistry with?

 

I have always felt great about myself. I have to say that since I started dating this guy, I found myself crying at nights a few times. I don't know why, but this sudden burst of sadness would overcome me.

 

I have other single guys who want to date me, but I just couldn't feel any sparks with them. They just seem boring and flat. What's wrong with me???

 

 

1. You don't even have a 'real' relationship with this guy. You've "known" him for 3 months and admittedly 2 of those 3 months he was "out of town" and your only form of communication was communicating from a distance.

 

2. I would be willing to bet the farm that he's not "away on business" at present nor was he for those 2 months; I suspect he's very much married (and his WIFE would concur) yet he "pretends" to be out of town on business so that he can have someone like you on the side; someone who won't expect to be able to see him/spend time in person.

 

3. How did you even meet him to begin with?

 

4. If he does travel for business, I would venture to guess that you're not his first rodeo and he has woman all over the place that he gives the same spiel of BS to.

 

5. Does it make any sense that he claims he's "done with" his wife and "wants kids" yet he's APPARENTLY been separated for 2 years and already has 3 kids?

 

Honey, the guy is still very much MARRIED and you're nothing but his exciting little side-dish.

 

Wake up!

[ilovehim77]

I just looked up the guy on the county court website, for any filing of separation during the past 5 years. I don't see any record of it. Unless it was filed in a different county, he's not separated

 

Thanks for your help here!

[country_gurl]

I just looked up the guy on the county court website, for any filing of separation during the past 5 years. I don't see any record of it. Unless it was filed in a different county, he's not separated

 

Thanks for your help here!

 

Sorry that you had to find this out the hard way.

 

Please, for your own sake and sanity, have NO FURTHER CONTACT with him. No texts, no emails, no phone calls, nothing. Be angry that he's lied to you and betrayed you (not to mention his wife as well) and wasted your time.

 

You deserve better.

[wannabdone]

Most single guys won't break out the "I love you!" early on. Married guys can do that because, what does he have to lose? Not his freedom, lol, because he isn't free anyway.

 

Maybe the single guys seem more flat because they are moving slower, and more cautious. But that is a good thing, because when they DO say it, they are more likely to put action behind the words.

 

 

YUP!!!! BING-FREAKING-O!!!

 

In general MM, who are pursuing.... come on hard and fast. They are the most wonderful listeners, best lovers, attentive, so on and so forth. Why??? They know they can't just be regular dudes and keep you around while they are married. They have to amp it up.

 

Love take time, it takes investments on both parties, it doesn't come quickly. Feelings of love or maybe I could fall in love with this person can be early on, but real true love, comes over time. These single guys who are doing it the right way don't come off like that, but they could over time.

 

There is nothing "wrong" with you, you want to be loved and cherished.... much like all of us do. And this guy said the words to make you feel that way. You want to be someone's wife and partner and to have children. Honey, you are just a woman. You will find it. Unfortunately, I just don't think its this cat. I don't feel and apparently from you saying he's seperated and you can not find that he legally is, that he is the right guy. He's not being honest with you nor communciating with you. He pushes everything off.... just like saying "we will talk about it when I get back".... NO HIS ASS SHOULD HAVE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT TALKING ABOUT IT WITH YOU IF THE WOMAN HE LOVES IS SAYING SHE WANTS TO DATE OTHERS. Communication and Trust are the two essential foundations to ANY relationship.... and he's doing neither.

 

I must say, you are far from stupid or "wrong". You have been in this relationship a short amount of time, and you are already smelling a rat and researching to see whats up. You are also reaching out by coming on this forum. Some ppl (ah, that would be me), didn't do all that until it had went on for NINE years. So, wanna talk about someone who should say "whats wrong with me" or might fall under the "stupid category".

 

So head up girl. YOU WILL FIND IT!!!!

 

So, my question is .... now what??? What do you plan on doing?

[ilovehim77]

Thanks for all the kind words here. But I'm confused again ...

 

I texted him and asked him if he ever filed for the separation papers. If so, have his attorney send them to me. I want to see it.

 

He said that he was officially and legally separated, but because it's in CA, he didn't have to file papers. He said that he had the best divorce attorney in town and didn't want to get me caught up in the middle of it.

 

He seemed so firm. Could he be telling the truth? I told him that I would date other guys until he becomes free. He said that I were a big girl and should do whatever I like. He also said that he was really exhausted from work and had no energy left to negotiate with me. He has been working 15 hours days for a big case.

 

He will be back from the long trip next week. Should I wait for now? Or break up with him now? Is he telling the truth?

[country_gurl]

Thanks for all the kind words here. But I'm confused again ...

 

I texted him and asked him if he ever filed for the separation papers. If so, have his attorney send them to me. I want to see it.

 

He said that he was officially and legally separated, but because it's in CA, he didn't have to file papers. He said that he had the best divorce attorney in town and didn't want to get me caught up in the middle of it.

 

He seemed so firm. Could he be telling the truth? I told him that I would date other guys until he becomes free. He said that I were a big girl and should do whatever I like. He also said that he was really exhausted from work and had no energy left to negotiate with me. He has been working 15 hours days for a big case.

 

He will be back from the long trip next week. Should I wait for now? Or break up with him now? Is he telling the truth?

 

1. Well get out the yellow pages tomorrow and contact a law office in California; one that practices divorce law and ask if it's true that a resident of CA doesn't have to file papers to be legally separated. I don't know how it is in the U.S., but here in Canada, most lawyers will give you a free 15-30 min phone consultation so that you can ask some basic questions to determine if you wish to meet with them to discuss your case. Frankly I don't see how anyone, particularly with children, can be legally separated but no papers were filed........how binding would any such agreement be if it's not been filed? And even if not filed, he should still have a copy of it. I suppose after only 3 months together though that most guys aren't going to want their new girlfriend to see the personal contents of such a document (re: assets, etc) but the way he's blowing you off about it...seems off to me.

 

2. Doesn't change the fact that he told you some BS story about having to leave your home because his kids were 'waiting up for him' at "her" place now does it?

 

3. You don't have a relationship. Most of your time "together" has involved him supposedly being out of town. You don't even KNOW FOR SURE that he's out of town; it's possible he claims that he is so that he can communicate with you without you expecting to be able to see him and spend time with him.

 

4. Why would you wait around for him? Are you forgetting that he's not even CLOSE to being divorced (if in fact he's even really separated) and you're wanting to settle down, get married and have kids? It could take him years to get his divorce.

[country_gurl]

Just doing a quick search on Google about Legal Separation in California, from what I'm reading, it appears that in order to legally separate in that state, papers MUST BE filed with the court:

 

http://www.hg.org/article.asp?id=5032

 

Here is an excerpt from the above (which is written by a lawyer in CA):

 

A legal separation is the filing of a lawsuit against which gives the court the power to decide on any and all issues related to your marriage. This includes dividing up all your property, deciding who your children should live with and how much time they should spend with each parent, deciding how much support should be paid, and deciding who should pay what debts. A legal separation proceeds just like a divorce, except at the end, the spouses are not divorced, and additional paperwork must be filed in order to finalize the divorce.

 

Everything I'm reading indicates that papers MUST be "filed" in order to get a legal separation in that state..so it would appear that he's completely and totally full of shyte.

 

ETA: legal separations set forth division of assets, look at child support issues, debt, pensions, etc etc. There's no way in the world that matters so important would not be filed with the courts to ensure that each party abides by the terms of the agreement.

Edited September 7, 2011 by country_gurl

[whichwayisup]

You've been with him for 3 months, but 2 of those months he was away. You do NOT know this guy at all. Also, noone after such a short period of time is ready to commit, say they want to get married and have more children. you know this.

 

What is it that you love about him?? You barely know the guy. Seems you're addicted to the chemical side of this, though and him telling you I love you, shouldn't be all of a sudden for you to fall in love with him. Come on... You must see this?

 

yes, he's full of sh.it. He's married, not wanting you to date others or have sex, yet he makes late night house drop in's to his wife's place.

 

Instead of asking to see papers (those can be faked) why not come right out and say to him, fine, give me your wife's cell number so I can verify you two are not together anymore and you're divorcing. tell her you love me, want to marry me, have children with me. WATCH and LISTEN to his reaction. You'll know right away what's what.

[ilovehim77]

Thank you so much, country_gurl!

 

I just broke up with him. I told him not to contact me again. I'm also deleting his number.

[whichwayisup]

You wait till he's back and don't give him heads up about wanting to talk to his wife. if you bring that up now, he could easily come up with a plan to cover his ass. You need to do this face to face and then pounce it on him about wanting to talk to her.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much, country_gurl!

 

I just broke up with him. I told him not to contact me again. I'm also deleting his number.

 

Good for you! He isn't worth it.

 

You'll be okay..after some tears, and some grieving. Just be glad this is only 3 months and not 3 years!!

 

No man would just up and leave his wife and 3 kids for another woman and marry, have more kids within a year. It sounded too good to be true.

[country_gurl]

Here's another link, from a family law office in CA, that provides excellent info on Legal Separation in that state including the process..which includes filing papers and going to court:

 

http://www.familylawyerintemecula.com/PracticeAreas/Legal-Separation.asp

 

I'm so sorry that you were duped by this pig but if it's any consolation, thank God you did not invest more time and heart into him.

 

I would seriously encourage you to consider changing your cell # because I suspect that once he's 'back home', he'll be desperately trying to contact you and suck you back in. You need to be strong. Take it from someone who's been there with respect to wasting precious time with a loser such that the years to have children/family ended up passing and I was and remain too old to even consider that now (well, having my own that is).

 

You deserve so much more than some deceitful ***** who is going to tell you lie after lie after lie. He's a shameful excuse of a man.

 

Please don't engage in any further discussions with him. Go complete and total NO CONTACT. Stick to your guns. Post in these forums if you're feeling lonely or weak or confused or sad. We're here to support you.

 

Hugs

[wannabdone]

Thank you so much, country_gurl!

 

I just broke up with him. I told him not to contact me again. I'm also deleting his number.

 

 

AGRH!!! All the good crap goes down when I'm not around. LOL.

 

GOOD FOR YOU!!! However, I'm still worried about you. He will come back and try. What is it that you said and how did he react?

 

We stil haven't gotten the answers to what makes you so fond of this cat? I'm worried that if you don't deal with whatever issues you have at hand, you will either fall back into this with him or someone else.

[ilovehim77]

I probably shouldn't post it here. But here it is for the breakup:

 

Him: whatever

 

Me: please don't contact me again. You never cared for me.

 

Him: This is so wrong!!! Baby?? I have been buried in this ___ since mid July. This is why they pay me ___ a year!!! What could I do? I tried to stay in touch and you said no. You went on dates and I forced a smile and said "great." What could I say?? You didn't ask me: you told me and I sucked it up as you went on dates. Doesn't that prove how much I want you???? What more can I do??? I'm about to come home for good ...

 

Me: You don't deserve me.

 

Him: Thanks. Why? Tell me what more I could have done??

 

Me: Why are we still talking? Can you keep quiet now, so I can move on with my life.

 

Him: Wow. Ok. You're too attracted by the new shiny boys. Enjoy them. Shake them down. They will bore you. I will be around for you. Perhaps. I have choices too, princess. Daddy is wanted.

 

Me: You will never find a woman like me.

 

Him: I know. That's why I chose you among all the others. I'm your daddy.

 

Here it is guys. The best breakup I ever had. I'm feeling great! I have a feeling it might not be the end of it. He sounds like he would try to get me back to this "grey area" with him.

Edited September 7, 2011 by ilovehim77