I want to have hope, but there's just too much...

[yellowrose]

I found this site recently and have found so many stories that have helped me gain some clarity on my situation. So for that, thank you all!

 

I'm hoping that maybe you all have some input for me. I feel so conflicted between my spiritual side that is committed to my marriage vows and my emotional side that just doesn't want to be hurt anymore.

 

Mu husband had 3 online affairs with women he knew in real life just before our one year anniversary. These were neighbors and "friends" of ours. He wasn't working at the time, so he would send these provocative e-mails back and forth with them in addition to going out shopping and lunching with them. All of it was hidden from me, but I knew in my hear that something wasn't right. One evening I heard him working on a song he was writing. In the lyrics where something along the lines of "what I want to do to you when no one else is around" and I KNEW that wasn't about me. So I checked a screen name I had given him in our AOL account. Sure enough, there e-mails back and forth to and from these 3 women (one of who was our maid of honor). In each of them, he told them how sexy they were, called them nicknames like kitten or whatnot, and complained about what a burden of a wife I was. (Hello. Again, I was 100% supporting us at the time. And in addition, taking us on out of town trips, making sure he didn't feel like he was stuck at home, leaving cash for him, etc. And trying to help him feel supported in his job search.)

 

When I opened the e-mails, it was an instantaneous sock of nausea to the gut. I felt like I was going to throw up. My blood was pounding in my head, I felt faint. I knew what I was going to find, but I had really hoped that I was wrong.

 

That was a long, hard, emotional night for both of us. I confronted the next door neighbor, who ran out of the apartment. I also confronted the other two women, but they denied it and then told our circle of friends how I had gone off the deep end, so I lost much of my support as a result. ---That's OK though. I figure those gals will find out eventually when the same women go after their husbands. It'll all come out in the wash.

 

Right before I found out about the affairs, we had been trying to get pregnant. I found out within a couple of weeks that I was carrying our daughter. So I decided to keep him around and try to work through things. We went to counseling for a brief time, then he stopped. He didn't like what he was hearing. He kept trying to validate his actions by telling the counsellor "I cheated on her because she makes more money" or "I feel emasculated" ---basically blaming me for his actions.

 

The next couple of years passed. He settled down a bit, got a job, we had our daughter, bought a home and things were fairly stable with a couple of exceptions. And the fact that we did nothing together anymore. No socializing, we both went out on our own. I developed hobbies that didn't include him, only because he wasn't interested. We grew further and further apart. I begged him to please spend time with me, but that never happened. I begged him to please go back to counseling, but that didn't happen either. Finally, a close friend of mine said, "You need to get out. You're being starved to death. Life is too short." so I took the plunge and moved our daughter and myself out of the house.

 

Three days later, he began an affair with a 25 year old girl who picked him up by leaving him noted in our daughter's bag at daycare requesting "play dates". This girl was vicious and aggressive. She knew he was married, but said she didn't care. My husband made a point of telling me all the slutty things that she would do that I wouldn't. She basically let him do whatever he wanted to her. --With her daughter in the next room. [that affair has since ended]

 

During this time, he filed for divorce. He filed an emergency hearing, had me served at 10pm on a Monday night for a docket that was filed for first thing Wednesday morning. That left me in a terrible scramble to come up with a $3500 retainer fee, find a lawyer, debrief her, and prepare for the court date all in one business day. I don't know how I pulled it off, but I did. Thank God for my brother and mom for helping me through that.

 

We battled back and forth for a while in court, then I suggested that we should go to marriage counseling again, mostly because I could not deal with the anxiety and strain of the war that was going on. He agreed to go. Then things started to ease up. Our communication got better, we fought less, but it was still very emotional for me.

 

I have always wanted a family of my own. I liked the idea of having children and grandchildren and a beautiful home and a partner to grow old with. Our marriage counsellor has not been terribly optimistic. Ultimately, I'd prefer not to get a divorce, but there has just been so much crap... I don't know how it would ever be possible. How much is do-able? I don't know. The counseling leaves me feeling so conflicted. The more I get to know his emotional side, the more I feel sad for him. Almost like I need to stand by him because he's gone through so much in his life. And then I remember my vows - In sickness and health, good times and bad. Am I supposed to stay? Am I supposed to bite the bullet and go through all of this? Is there a payoff? Is it possible for him to ever stop cheating and lying? And his family...well, that's a whole other story. They've been very antagonistic about our divorce. They're the same kind of folks who would stand below a person standing on the ledge of a building and yell, "JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!"

 

I love my daughter more than anything in the world. Do I stay and try to keep a family together for her? Or do I go and build a new life alone with her?

 

I read someone's post where they were telling another person "You don't love him, you love the person you thought he was." And that's true for me as well. I feel like I still love him, but I really love the person I thought was my friend, lover and partner. I detest the person he is now. He's a monster and he's cruel and wreckless with my heart & soul.

 

We're both going to individual counseling while staying in touch with our marriage counsellor. My therapist says he believes that my husband suffers from a borderline personality disorder. Our marriage counsellor agrees and says I should just concentrate on taking care of myself.

 

 

There's no hope, is there?

 

 

[married 4 years, separated 6 months]

[LILUIL]

If I were in your position...... hmmm.....

 

I'd pack and leave and fight for custody over my daughter. You deserve much better.

 

He doesn't deserve you at all. Infidelity in the first year with total sluts. That's him ignoring "For better or worse vows" even if it was stuck in front of him from his forehead.

 

It gonna be tough but you have the strength within you. You can do anything. All things are possible and have faith in God.

 

Yeah, you are gonna reason that your daughter needs a father and being single after loving someone for so long and question of is there TRUE love waiting somewhere. All kinda thoughts gonna be running through your head.

 

I was raised by my grannie. Both parents forsaken me and had foster parents worth more than a zillion bucks in love. (Of course its a long story cut short )

 

Whatever is your decision, you know best. IMO, a man like that is not worth any more thought coz he never thought bout how YOU felt when he was doing it with the other women.

 

I apologize if anything I said was harsh but surely there's truth in it! You got all of our support here at Loveshack.... more responses will be coming from the other members soon. Hang in there....

 

Lots of hugs,

Me

[devastated]

Let me start off by saying that I feel your pain. You are not expected to try to fix someone over and over again. The problem with this situation, is that it is just too much. You're husband is the one that did not respect your marriage vows not you, why do you have to go through the suffering that he has inflicted upon you?

 

There comes a time where enough is enough and I think that time has come for you. Your husband obviously has trouble staying faithful to you and that is not your fault. Sometimes people can change and I believe that if you both are putting forth the effort that things can get better over time. However, in this situation your husband has been given the chance several times over to get past these indiscretion and has chosen not to.

 

Everyone deserves to be happy in life and everyone has a limit you must set your's. Don't let your husband continue to treat you as a door mat.

 

A divorce has already been filed in this situation you need to move on with your life, for you and your child.

 

Good luck

[EnigmaXOXO]

Yellow, I admire your determination to hold true to your promises and dreams of a happy, healthy marriage and family. But it takes "TWO" people to make that commitment, and so far you've been doing all the work on your own when it comes to holding together your family.

 

Your 'so-called' partner on the other hand has given you nothing but grief, half-efforts, and one excuse after another as to why he can't even meet you half way.

 

Honey, you're not Super Woman (although d*mn near close to it!) No one said you had to be a martyr. Give yourself permission to let go when it finally becomes too much. You've done everything humanly possible.

 

Sometimes, it's just out of our hands...

[yellowrose]

Thank you all for your feedback. Each one adds a bit more strenghth to my resolve.

 

I just can't allow him to treat me like this anymore. I'm a good and loving woman. I've been a loyal friend to him as well. I shouldn't pay for his mental issues any longer. It's sad that he's ill, but I could stand by him as long as he weren't taking them out on me. I've been cheated on, lied to, stolen from, lied about... I don't deserve to live like this.

 

How I'll ever trust another man ever again, I don't know. He's so sick. So twisted and delusional. He cheated on me and blamed me for it. I tell him he hurts me and he says, "What do you want ME to do about it?"

 

He's mean, evil, and hurtful. And I wasted 6 years of my life with him.

 

Our daughter has HIM to look to when trying to figure out what to expect out of a man someday. I'm going to have to work hard to provide her with good, strong male role models. Like my 4 brothers. Great guys.

 

Anyway- again, thank you for your posts. I'll read them over and over to stay strong.

 

xoxo,

Yr

[LILUIL]

Originally posted by yellowrose

He's mean, evil, and hurtful. And I wasted 6 years of my life with him.

 

Therefore, don't waste anymore time. You realise it and that's good. It means that you are capable of taking a step back from the situation and analyse it from an understanding perspective. When I had my downs some time back, I was browsing the net and chanced upon a writer called Barry Long. Google him and read some of his writings.

Start clicking : http://www.meaningoflife.i12.com/index.htm

 

Originally posted by yellowrose

How I'll ever trust another man ever again, I don't know.

 

Once bitten, twice shy. We're all human beings and I've felt like that each time I was hurt. I used to declare celibacy and would make my friends laugh by telling them I was gonna go meditate on mount everest and never come down anymore till I reach enlightenment. Haha! But each time I was wrong, Love will find a way to find you. Take time to know the new person when he comes along, trust naturally follows. In your current state of worries, you might not believe that true love could be waiting, but haha! check back here when it does happen and tell us the sweet details.

 

This is me favourite quote:

"Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. For now you are travelling the road between who you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey." -Meg Cabot-

 

Keeping you in my prayers.....

[yellowrose]

Keeping you in my prayers.....

 

I can't tell you how much I need and appreciate them. Thank you. And thanks for the warm reception here. It helped me through a rough day.

 

xoxo,

Yr

[shortbus74]

Yellow, I know that it is hard to let go when you feel like you have invested so much time into a relationship... I was married for 5 1/2 years and I though everything was "alright" until I found out he cheated on me with his bestfriends wife.. I tried to save the marriage but he really just wanted a way out. So we ended up divoced. I had a hard time dealing with everything in general. I am still working thru issues to this day. Good luck and keep your chin up.....................

[yellowrose]

I told him yesterday that I can't take any more of this. It's over over over and we will never get back together. I can't leave myself open to this stuff anymore. It's cruel. This is no way to be in a marriage.

 

But then today I got really mad because I love that house. It's a beautiful old '30s red brick bungalow, beautiful wood throughout. I worked so hard to make that place a home. And that rat is living there. He screwed his mistress in my bed. On the sheets I bought, in the room I decorated. I'm pissed because I feel like I left him with this beautiful setup that some other woman is going to inherit. Every day there's some other thing that I think about that I'm losing that makes me feel hurt. Not only am I losing my home, but I'm losing the whole future that I had envisioned. Watching our daughters grow up, the old man sitting next to me on the couch while we look at our grandchildren, the whole ball of wax. I had my heart set on it and I planned my whole life around it. I'm having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that it's all gone.

 

I'm spending this afternoon sprucing up my little 2 story cottage. Putting rose candles in the rooms, airing the place out, trying to make this place as much a home as the bungalow. But I'm still sad. It just seems like it's not as good as the dream. I know it was just a dream though. I fooled myself into thinking that was where we were really heading. He wasn't ever there.

 

Crushed.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I love my house too, Yellow. Like you, I'm a happy 'nester.'

 

But like I always tell my guy: "My home is in your heart."

 

A house is just a house. Only when its filled with love, does it truely feel like "home."

 

You have 'love,' Yellow. You have a daughter. And one day someone else will come along and you'll find 'home' again in a heart whose doors are wide open to you.

 

Not all men are like the one you married. That much, I can promise you.

[moimeme]

Yellowrose

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I, too, tried to maintain a relationship with someone with a disorder. It sure isn't easy and I hated giving up. You want to be a loyal and faithful and devoted partner. You're determined that you'll stick by him no matter what, because clearly he's suffering and needs someone. And, by gar, you are not gong to be one of the ones who quit on him. I know that feeling so well - and still feel like I didn't live up to my own standards in deciding to end it.

 

My therapist says he believes that my husband suffers from a borderline personality disorder. Our marriage counsellor agrees and says I should just concentrate on taking care of myself.

 

BPD is heavy stuff. If you have two professionals telling you that you should end it, I think you can be confident you've gotten excellent advice.

 

I shouldn't pay for his mental issues any longer. It's sad that he's ill, but I could stand by him as long as he weren't taking them out on me. I've been cheated on, lied to, stolen from, lied about... I don't deserve to live like this.

 

It's true. Eventually, a human - even the most devoted of humans - can only take so much. It wasn't until I realized I was becoming extremely depressed that I finally threw in the towel.

 

What has helped me a great deal is understanding that, often, a spouse is the worst person possible to help some of these folks (depending on the condition they suffer). The stakes are too high and it is too hard to detach oneself from the issues. I wish now that I'd been only friends with the two (!) guys who had major problems. I could have been supportive without getting drawn into all the problems, and not having to live with someone with a disorder would make it much easier to deal with.

 

You have done the right thing. You will thrive now, and be free to find a man who can be a full partner in a relationship. As for the house, I understand that, too. I had to sell a beloved house, and I still miss it. However, there are other men and other houses - even better ones. Eventually you'll find the one that suits you best