How can I confront my boyfriend about his talking to his ex?

[KristaDanielle]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year but we talked for about 6 months before we got together. I trust him. I want to be with him forever, as he's also said that to me, and we legit mean it. Not all that "just to get in your pants" crap. I respect him as he respects me. I love him more than anything in the world.

Earlier today, he left for work and left his facebook up. He'd been talking about a month ago about his ex, whom he only dated for a short time, and what she was doing and who she was with and all that. I know he misses her and i'm aware of some of the things they've done in the past (not sex, just sexual talking and whatnot). I glanced at his messages and saw that he'd been talking to her, so I looked at the conversation. Keep in mind this was what he said 2 months ago when he would talk to me about her: he said he thinks about her all the time and wanted to see her and come to her house. She said she loved him and he said it back. They also mentioned me, but that part of the conversation was painful for me to read. I am aware he is not completely over her, probably for the fact that he wasn't with her for long and wanted more I suppose. She has a boyfriend now, as well.

He brought her up once in an arguement and I didn't bring it up or tell him that that specific phrase "I didn't have to worry about that with her" was what bothered me. He felt terrible that he hurt my feelings and we haven't fought since. We're fantastic right now, up until when I found those messages.

I know they were awhile ago and he hasn't talked about her much since then, but it bothers the hell out of me that she still wants him. I'm not confrontational, but I want to talk to him about this. I don't want to just flat out ask, "Do you still love her?" That's disrespectful and rude. He tells me everyday that he loves me, and that even though he is a natural flirt (which is true, it's just part of his personality and who he is) and even thoguh he seems to flirt with other girls, none of them compare to me. I know you guys think its bull****, but believe me, he means it.

 

I don't know what to say or how to confront him about it, or if I should even bring it up at all. After all, it was 2 months ago. A lot of things have changed since then. I'm just worried because I know he still thinks about her occasionally. I didn't mind it before, but now that it's been going on for awhile, it's really starting to rip me up inside. I want to give him time to cope over the loss of the relationship, but I don't want him to dwell on it and try to make it work again. I can't tell my friends or family because they'll just judge him, and I know he doesn't have bad intentions. I desperately need some help. Some advice to calm the tears of a 19 year old girl would be wonderful. Thank you.

[BeyondtheClouds]

Get out of the relationship right now. HE is shopping right now, checking to see whether his ex will take him back. If she doesn't take him back, then he will stay with you. Do you really want to be his Plan B.

 

If you break up with him now, you'll pull the floor out from under him. He will appear needy to his ex who will then drop him completely. And you can move on to someone who is really ready for a relationship with you.

[skelterhelter]

I see nothing wrong with you expressing your needs; it's neither disrespectul nor rude to tell someone what they're doing to you is hurtful. What's disrespectful and rude is your boyfriend continuing to converse with an ex who still has feelings for him (and who he might have feelings for. Even if he doesn't, he's still leading her on by keeping her in the picture!). I dunno, I've never trusted the whole "still friends with the ex" scenario. What's in it for your boyfriend to talk to her, especially since he's with you and supposedly cares for you? To stroke his ego? Because he hasn't moved on? Sure, it could just be an innocent friendship, but from the details you've given, there seems to be more to the story.

 

I know how you feel, though. I recently told the guy I'm dating that if we were to ever get serious and exclusive, that his ex would have to go (because he was still helping her around the house and hanging out with her, and apparently she still needs him around ). Be direct. Say "It really hurts me that you're still hanging on to your ex, when she quite clearly has feelings for you. It's not fair to me, your current girlfriend whom you supposedly love, that you keep her around and have such intimate conversations with her." Ask why he keeps her around. Don't let him evade the questions! I find being direct and honest about what you want is the best way; if you somehow sweep it under the rug, it gives him more of a reason to treat you like dirt! Good luck, honey.

[Lucky_One]

It certainly is NOT rude nor disrespectful to ask your BF if he loves another woman. If my math is correct, he had been your BF for TEN months when he was telling this only-dated-a-few-months-XGF that he loved her.

 

THAT, dear, is disrespectful.

 

As for trusting him, you don't. Or you would not have read his private messages to anyone else.

 

As for him respecting you, he doesn't. Or he wouldn't be spending time with you, while he "thinks about her all the time and wants to see her and come to her house."

[PegNosePete]

I don't know what to say or how to confront him about it, or if I should even bring it up at all.

I'll tell you what I'd say: "You're dumped".

[Ginger Beer]

I am not over my ex completely, there is still a little bit of 'love' there if that makes sense. I wouldn't get into a relationship now because my full attention and commitment wouldn't be on her, so my advice to you is I don't think his full attention is on you.

 

I think you should dump him.

[Eddie Edirol]

Dump him now. He cant possibly be in love with you if he is still pining for his ex, no matter what he says he loves you or how much you think he means it. You were his rebound, and he cannot give you his heart fully, ever. Yoou are filling a void until his ex dumps her bf and starts up with your bf, or when your bf finds someone better than you, you are the interim right now. get out now before he takes action.

[KristaDanielle]

Thank you for your input everyone. I've come to find out he has not had any contact with that girl for about a month. I've got my fingers crossed that that'll help him get over her. I didn't ask him if he still loved her, but I did ask him about her and he said that since she is very unhappy and suicidal at the moment he feels responsible for it since he broke up with her last. I told him that it had nothing to do with him and how she went about her life was nothing he could change. It's true, I don't trust him completely with other girls simply because I am a slightly jealous person just from the nature of being female, and because of his natural flirty personality he might lead someone on that was unintentionally led. Besides, that girl still has feelings for him and he is unintentionally leading her on. I also pisses me off that she is trying so hard to be with him. I do plan to talk to him some more about it, proabably about being a little less flirtacious to anything that moves. I also don't plan on going through any of his things again. I need to gain my trust for him. Any advice on how to cope with my jealousy?

Thank you so much!

[PegNosePete]

because of his natural flirty personality he might lead someone on that was unintentionally led

Uh, what? I smell BS. If he is flirting then they are not unintentionally being led, they are deliberately being led!

 

that girl still has feelings for him and he is unintentionally leading her on

Again, what? There is NOTHING unintentional about his behaviour. He knows exactly what he is doing, he just isn't being honest about it.

 

also pisses me off that she is trying so hard to be with him

So why hasn't he made it clear to her that this is not appropriate? I'll tell you why, it's because he loves the attention.

 

Any advice on how to cope with my jealousy?

Your jealousy is not unfounded. Your BF is not trustworthy. The best way to cope with your jealousy is to get rid of him and find someone who deserves your trust.

[Lucky_One]

Let's put it into mathematical terms.

 

You have been with this guy for a year - 100%.

 

He has been in love with another girl for at least 10 months of that - 84%+

 

He has been in contact with her for 11 months - 92%.

 

So you are saying that it is fine with you if the vast majority of your R he has been in love with and in contact with another woman?

 

92% of your relationship he has been lying by omission to you about his heart belonging to another woman.

 

I give you two weeks before you go through his cell phone while he's in the shower.

 

You are asking for a ride on the crazy train.

[KristaDanielle]

Let's put it into mathematical terms.

 

You have been with this guy for a year - 100%.

 

He has been in love with another girl for at least 10 months of that - 84%+

 

He has been in contact with her for 11 months - 92%.

 

So you are saying that it is fine with you if the vast majority of your R he has been in love with and in contact with another woman?

 

92% of your relationship he has been lying by omission to you about his heart belonging to another woman.

 

I give you two weeks before you go through his cell phone while he's in the shower.

 

You are asking for a ride on the crazy train.

 

 

Well at first, I wasn't aware that he still had some feelings for her. Most of them are feelings of being responsible for her wellbeing. But he hasn't lied to me, he's made me aware that he's talked to and seen her before. He said that he felt horrible and like he's cheated on me at one point. I like that he's honest with me on that rather than doing it behind my back.

 

I've also been through his phone, which I feel a little bad about, but he's had no contact with her. He even deleted some messages from her he'd saved. I do believe he's slowly getting over her, but that may be just my perspective.

[KristaDanielle]

Uh, what? I smell BS. If he is flirting then they are not unintentionally being led, they are deliberately being led!

 

I probably should have mentioned this in the original post, but the reason he is naturally flirty is because he was abused as a child. It's a long story that doesn't need that much of an explanation, but it comes down to the reason he's got a flirty personality. He doesn't want to hurt anyone like he was hurt which makes him overly friendly, mainly towards women. I'm working on a way to talk to him about that, but it really is just his peronality. He hasn't toned it down because I haven't mentioned that it bothers me.

[Lucky_One]

Well at first, I wasn't aware that he still had some feelings for her. Most of them are feelings of being responsible for her wellbeing. But he hasn't lied to me, he's made me aware that he's talked to and seen her before. He said that he felt horrible and like he's cheated on me at one point. I like that he's honest with me on that rather than doing it behind my back.

 

I've also been through his phone, which I feel a little bad about, but he's had no contact with her. He even deleted some messages from her he'd saved. I do believe he's slowly getting over her, but that may be just my perspective.

 

Really? Sorry about my post then. Because I totally missed the fact that he told you every time he saw her BEFORE he saw her.

 

Yeah, you definitely need to work on trust issues. His phone, his messages. NOT his phone, your messages.

 

But I will point out that if he is deleting messages from her, then he is deleting messages from her. Trust me - if he has seen her, then there has been phone contact prior. And he is deleting that so you don't know about it.

[KristaDanielle]

I suppose you're right, I just want so much to believe he is over her that i'm willing to convince myself of it even if it's not true. I know he loves me, but I know he loves her too. I'm just confused as to what to do with my situation. I'd rather work it out than break up with him. I want to be with him, but I want him to get over her. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Quiet Storm]

I would pay attention to his actions and not his words.

 

what he says: he loves you and wants to be with you forever

 

what he does: tells his ex that he thinks about her all the time and wanted to see her and come to her house.

 

what he says: he is naturally flirty is because he was abused as a child

what he does: it is disrespectful to your gf to openly flirt with others

 

what he says: He doesn't want to hurt anyone like he was hurt

what he does: acts in ways that could potentially hurt you, the one he loves

 

 

I would also pay attention to what you are telling yourself, and how it doesn't always match the reality of the situation and how sometimes you even contradict yourself. This is a clue that something is wrong.

 

what you said: We're fantastic right now

what you also said: it's really starting to rip me up inside

reality: you are seeing th truth, you just need to pay attention instead of rationalizing it away

 

what you said: I do believe he's slowly getting over her

reality: a man that's been with you for a year, should be over her by now

 

what you said: I like that he's honest with me on that rather than doing it behind my back.

reality: you don't want him in contact with her, period

 

 

You are stuffing your feelings. In a healthy relationship, you can express your feelings freely without fear. You will never feel content and you will never feel heard, if you don't express your feelings. You should feel safe enough with him to do this.

 

 

I'm not confrontational, but I want to talk to him about this. I don't want to just flat out ask, "Do you still love her?" That's disrespectful and rude.

 

I don't know what to say or how to confront him about it, or if I should even bring it up at all.

 

I didn't ask him if he still loved her

 

I just want so much to believe he is over her that i'm willing to convince myself of it even if it's not true

[Eddie Edirol]

I suppose you're right, I just want so much to believe he is over her that i'm willing to convince myself of it even if it's not true. I know he loves me, but I know he loves her too. I'm just confused as to what to do with my situation. I'd rather work it out than break up with him. I want to be with him, but I want him to get over her. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

You have to find out if he is fully over her. he wont "get over" her whiloe he is with you, it doesnt work like that. Theres no way He can be "in love" with you while he isnt over her, and is still trying to make his ex feel better. He would know that theres nothing he can do for her. Find out if he is actually in love with you and can express it without hesitation. If he isnt over her, then you have no chance to have him 100%. if he IS over her and is just pitying her, then you might be better off. You have to be honest with yourself about how this looks for your own benefit. Ignoring how it looks just because you want it to work out is going to extend the torture, and you will always wonder.

 

But sneaking to talk to her, avoiding telling you because hes afraid of what you might think, well you can only think the wrong thing when it is the wrong thing.

[Professor X]

he said he thinks about her all the time and wanted to see her and come to her house. She said she loved him and he said it back.

Most of them are feelings of being responsible for her wellbeing.

No, those feelings are of LOVE. Clearly.

 

I trust him. I want to be with him forever, as he's also said that to me, and we legit mean it. Not all that "just to get in your pants" crap. I respect him as he respects me.

I've also been through his phone; He even deleted some messages from her he'd saved.

You trust him so much that you snoop after him? aha. And he in return trust you so much that he deletes messages from her? I see now, if only I knew this earlier....

And I believe you when YOU say you want him forever, you are blinded by love after all, but when he says so, what he really means is that he wants ANYONE, cause he's afraid of being alone (which is why he's with you while he LOVES his ex')

 

I know you guys think its bull****, but believe me, he means it.

It is. And the only thing that's bull**** here is that you believe he means it.

 

I want to give him time to cope over the loss of the relationship

Really? I didn't know that's what you do when you're ONE YEAR into a RS!

And here I thought you cope BEFORE the new RS starts, not well into it. Haha, silly me!

 

Danielle, you need a huge wake up slap (or rather punch), ASAP. You're nothing more than a sense of security to him because it's a lot easier to get to bed with someone, anyone, when you're hurting over a breakup.

 

92% of your relationship he has been lying by omission to you about his heart belonging to another woman.

Enough said.

[PegNosePete]

I probably should have mentioned this in the original post, but the reason he is naturally flirty is because he was abused as a child.

What... the... f*ck?!

 

You're being fed a load of BS.

The reason he is "naturally flirty" is because he enjoys it.

 

I'm working on a way to talk to him about that

"Stop flirting with other women or you're dumped"

Simples.