I want to have hope, but there's just too much...

[yellowrose]

I found this site recently and have found so many stories that have helped me gain some clarity on my situation. So for that, thank you all!

 

I'm hoping that maybe you all have some input for me. I feel so conflicted between my spiritual side that is committed to my marriage vows and my emotional side that just doesn't want to be hurt anymore.

 

Mu husband had 3 online affairs with women he knew in real life just before our one year anniversary. These were neighbors and "friends" of ours. He wasn't working at the time, so he would send these provocative e-mails back and forth with them in addition to going out shopping and lunching with them. All of it was hidden from me, but I knew in my hear that something wasn't right. One evening I heard him working on a song he was writing. In the lyrics where something along the lines of "what I want to do to you when no one else is around" and I KNEW that wasn't about me. So I checked a screen name I had given him in our AOL account. Sure enough, there e-mails back and forth to and from these 3 women (one of who was our maid of honor). In each of them, he told them how sexy they were, called them nicknames like kitten or whatnot, and complained about what a burden of a wife I was. (Hello. Again, I was 100% supporting us at the time. And in addition, taking us on out of town trips, making sure he didn't feel like he was stuck at home, leaving cash for him, etc. And trying to help him feel supported in his job search.)

 

When I opened the e-mails, it was an instantaneous sock of nausea to the gut. I felt like I was going to throw up. My blood was pounding in my head, I felt faint. I knew what I was going to find, but I had really hoped that I was wrong.

 

That was a long, hard, emotional night for both of us. I confronted the next door neighbor, who ran out of the apartment. I also confronted the other two women, but they denied it and then told our circle of friends how I had gone off the deep end, so I lost much of my support as a result. ---That's OK though. I figure those gals will find out eventually when the same women go after their husbands. It'll all come out in the wash.

 

Right before I found out about the affairs, we had been trying to get pregnant. I found out within a couple of weeks that I was carrying our daughter. So I decided to keep him around and try to work through things. We went to counseling for a brief time, then he stopped. He didn't like what he was hearing. He kept trying to validate his actions by telling the counsellor "I cheated on her because she makes more money" or "I feel emasculated" ---basically blaming me for his actions.

 

The next couple of years passed. He settled down a bit, got a job, we had our daughter, bought a home and things were fairly stable with a couple of exceptions. And the fact that we did nothing together anymore. No socializing, we both went out on our own. I developed hobbies that didn't include him, only because he wasn't interested. We grew further and further apart. I begged him to please spend time with me, but that never happened. I begged him to please go back to counseling, but that didn't happen either. Finally, a close friend of mine said, "You need to get out. You're being starved to death. Life is too short." so I took the plunge and moved our daughter and myself out of the house.

 

Three days later, he began an affair with a 25 year old girl who picked him up by leaving him noted in our daughter's bag at daycare requesting "play dates". This girl was vicious and aggressive. She knew he was married, but said she didn't care. My husband made a point of telling me all the slutty things that she would do that I wouldn't. She basically let him do whatever he wanted to her. --With her daughter in the next room. [that affair has since ended]

 

During this time, he filed for divorce. He filed an emergency hearing, had me served at 10pm on a Monday night for a docket that was filed for first thing Wednesday morning. That left me in a terrible scramble to come up with a $3500 retainer fee, find a lawyer, debrief her, and prepare for the court date all in one business day. I don't know how I pulled it off, but I did. Thank God for my brother and mom for helping me through that.

 

We battled back and forth for a while in court, then I suggested that we should go to marriage counseling again, mostly because I could not deal with the anxiety and strain of the war that was going on. He agreed to go. Then things started to ease up. Our communication got better, we fought less, but it was still very emotional for me.

 

I have always wanted a family of my own. I liked the idea of having children and grandchildren and a beautiful home and a partner to grow old with. Our marriage counsellor has not been terribly optimistic. Ultimately, I'd prefer not to get a divorce, but there has just been so much crap... I don't know how it would ever be possible. How much is do-able? I don't know. The counseling leaves me feeling so conflicted. The more I get to know his emotional side, the more I feel sad for him. Almost like I need to stand by him because he's gone through so much in his life. And then I remember my vows - In sickness and health, good times and bad. Am I supposed to stay? Am I supposed to bite the bullet and go through all of this? Is there a payoff? Is it possible for him to ever stop cheating and lying? And his family...well, that's a whole other story. They've been very antagonistic about our divorce. They're the same kind of folks who would stand below a person standing on the ledge of a building and yell, "JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!"

 

I love my daughter more than anything in the world. Do I stay and try to keep a family together for her? Or do I go and build a new life alone with her?

 

I read someone's post where they were telling another person "You don't love him, you love the person you thought he was." And that's true for me as well. I feel like I still love him, but I really love the person I thought was my friend, lover and partner. I detest the person he is now. He's a monster and he's cruel and wreckless with my heart & soul.

 

We're both going to individual counseling while staying in touch with our marriage counsellor. My therapist says he believes that my husband suffers from a borderline personality disorder. Our marriage counsellor agrees and says I should just concentrate on taking care of myself.

 

 

There's no hope, is there?

 

 

[married 4 years, separated 6 months]

[Sarah12385]

*hug* i am so *so* sorry you're going through such a terrible ordeal.

unfortuntely i don't have much experience to help you out, being as how i'm only 19 and still on college. but from my stand point...i honestly believe that it's best to leave. i know this is something that's easier said than done, but you're killing yourself piece by piece. you and your daughter need to find peace.

 

i'm assuming that you're daughter is still very young, and i'm sure you are too move to a new town, start all over. you might even find a new man to father your daughter. just think...what if you meet a new man and your life becomes a new kind of heaven for you? you would've have found this man if you weren't forced to leave your current place.

 

happiness is out there for you, and although you made those vows on your wedding day, i don't think God (if you believe in God that is) would want this sort of relationship to be had by anyone, and i know you don't want this sort of life. it's just no way to be...honestly. i wish you the best of luck and pray that everything works out for you.

 

 

~Sarah~

[ready2moveon26]

I feel like you and I are in the same boat. I love my husband very much, but I love the person he is when we are together and happy. Whenever we are together, he is great! He cares about me a lot and isn't afraid to tell me. We are seperated now and have been for 2 and half months. We also have a 3 year old daughter together and he and I love her very much as well.

 

His family is quite the opposite of yours though. They call me all the time and tell me that he is stupid for letting this happen and support me 100%. He hates this! He hates the fact that his family is on my side. I want to be with him because I do know he loves me and he loves being a family as well. When we first split up, I read a book that explained a "commitaphobic". I decided that is what he is.

 

Although we did get married and had a commited relationship for 2 years, he did everything he could to sabatoge it. I don't know if it was intentionally or not, but when I asked him about it, he said he didn't do it on purpose. He tells me he loves me and I know it isn't a lie. I have just submitted my story, so please read it. What do we do?

[onlyhuman]

You really deserve someone better!