WolfLady Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Hi all I'm twice divorced, and currently living with my fiance. I'm not really afraid of getting married again, but I do not want to go through a third divorce. My partner is the sweetest man, a real keeper. He dotes on me, takes care of me, he is stable and hard-working. I feel very, very safe around him, except for one thing. I know for a fact that he loves someone else more than he does me. She lives about 1,000 miles away from here (literally) and is married with a passle of kids. She has had umpteen opportunities to leave her husband to start a new life with my man, but she chose to stay with her family. And yes, I know she loves him very much, too. It was hard for them to finally break all ties with each other, but they have been contact-free for almost 2 years now. I know that in his heart he has given up all hope of having a relationship with that woman, but I still have fears of her getting a divorce, or her husband dying, and she shows up on our doorstep saying, "Surprise! I'm single!" and married or not he would leave me for her. I have talked with friends about this, and the general consensus seems to be I should just go for it because if I don't take a chance I could be alone for the rest of my life. I am 50, he is 56. Fear is such an ugly beast ... Would YOU be able to marry someone who loved someone else more than you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author WolfLady Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 Sedated, I do love him a lot. If it wasn't for the OW we would have a nearly perfect relationship. He provides me with love and stability, I can depend on him for virtually anything. It just haunts me that if her situation changes he could possibly leave me. I know he can't change how he feels about her, but how could I ever know whether he would honor our vows over HER? Yeah I know, rhetorical question, but I just don't want to go through a 3rd divorce. The first two were enough for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author WolfLady Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 There has been something else that has bugged me for quite some time now. Back when we were first dating 2 years ago, he was quite open with me about things regarding her. He told me he had a filing cabinet at his parent's house, and inside were naked pictures of her. At the time (before our apocalypse when I found out he was still having an emotional affair with her) I told him he should keep them. Now I want him to get rid of them. I am tempted to go to his parent's when he's not with me and get them myself, but I'm sure his parents would question me, and I don't want to tell them the truth about his past emotional affair. If I ask him to get rid of them himself, I know we're in for another bumpy ride. Do I have the right to ask him to destroy those naked pictures? Link to post Share on other sites
country_gurl Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 (edited) There has been something else that has bugged me for quite some time now. Back when we were first dating 2 years ago, he was quite open with me about things regarding her. He told me he had a filing cabinet at his parent's house, and inside were naked pictures of her. At the time (before our apocalypse when I found out he was still having an emotional affair with her) I told him he should keep them. Now I want him to get rid of them. I am tempted to go to his parent's when he's not with me and get them myself, but I'm sure his parents would question me, and I don't want to tell them the truth about his past emotional affair. If I ask him to get rid of them himself, I know we're in for another bumpy ride. Do I have the right to ask him to destroy those naked pictures? It seems very creepy and odd to me that a man in his 50s would have nekkid pics of his previous married-other-woman in a filing cabinet at his parent's place. What's up with that? Why his parent's place? Why did he tell you? And why on earth did you tell him to keep them? I think before you serious consider marrying him, you need to sit down and have a real serious heart-to-heart talk with HIM about your fears and concerns, like you're doing here. If he's someone you'd consider marrying, you have to be able to tell him everything that concerns you. If they've not had contact for 2 years, how do you KNOW that she still loves him? You must also fear that he still loves her.....but why do you feel that way? You must be thinking he feels this way for a reason? How do you know for SURE they've had no contact in 2 years? How can you fully trust a man who clearly has a history of having no qualms about having an affair? A guy like that says to me he's someone who doesn't really respect marriage vows or boundaries; so if he could disrespect another man/man's marriage and family, what makes you think he'd respect yours? (even if it wasn't with this woman). Given the fact that you've been divorced twice before and this current guy has a pretty questionable/sketchy history, have you considered looking at the 'big picture' in terms of what kind of men you are attracted to/get involved with? Can you really respect a man who previously was having an affair with another man's wife?? Edited September 9, 2011 by country_gurl Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Oh, no. This REALLY is not a good foundation to base a successful marriage upon. His continued attachment, emotionally, to this woman does not leave him emotionally available for you. If he were a widower and still felt that he loved his deceased wife "MORE" than he loved you, I would feel the same way. In fact, if it were anger and bitterness about a past relationship he were clinging onto while involved with you, I would STILL feel this way. It's not so much about whether he will ever leave you for her, though the fact that you fear this is a big deal. The main issue is that he is not letting go of this attachment, on purpose. Love that we have experienced in the past does not go away or die, in many cases, but it becomes a part of our fibre and NOT something that is to be compared, contrasted, quantified with regards to our current relationship. IF the current relationship is to be successful. And the naked pictures? At his PARENTS' house? No. If your relationship is as good as you claim it is and still has this tremendous baggage attached to it, I believe that the two of you need couples counseling to try to move on, or else I do not think that you'll be able to have a successful marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WolfLady Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 Thanks for your responses! His dad is borrowing the filing cabinet, one of those huge hefty things. My boyfriend keeps old company business information in it, tax forms, etc, in the bottom drawer that is locked. Before he moved here from another state the filing cabinet was where he stashed the naked pics of her. It's not like he deliberately stashed a bunch of naked pics in it and arbitrarily stowed them away at his parent's house. I know that his emotional attachment to the OW isn't a good start for our marriage, but I know that it is over with. I'm not getting any younger - if I hold out for Mr. Perfect With Absolutely No Baggage I am going to die an old lonely woman. I don't need 'perfect', I just need someone who loves me and helps me get through Life. I agree, counseling is a good option, and I really think he would go with me. In answer to the question about how I know they've been in no-contact for 2 years ... her husband started suspecting something was up and hired a PI. (he's wealthy, prolly part of the reason why she doesn't want to leave him.) That was when I found out they were still communicating with each other. The PI emailed me and her husband all of the cell phone invoices, emails, pictures they exchanged, everything. Her husband and I have a pact with each other that if we find evidence or even suspect anything is up, we'll immediately contact one another. It's been 2 years, and I am very, very confidant they have stopped communicating with each other. I feel a strong need to make him destroy those pictures before we get married. Initially I had told him he could keep them (we'd only been dating a couple of weeks when he told me about them) because I had no idea he was still in an emotional affair with her. I thought it was History, and I am not jealous over past, dead relationships. I don't consider History to be a threat to me or anyone else's relationships. Marrying him is a hard decision to make, and I still haven't made up my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Pre marital counseling PLEASE. I understand how you feel about not getting any younger; I am your age peer and just got married 2 days ago. Both of us are once divorced and horrified by the concept of any more of that. But think about how terrible you will feel if you do marry and these things that are haunting you now become insurmountable. You will be divorced AGAIN. And older than you are today. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 You must share your fears with him. You have strong concerns about his attachment to her, and he is the only one who will truly be able to address your fears. If you really believe he might dump you for her if she were to magically become available, you have to tell him your fears. Why do you want to get married? Why did you agree if you weren't sure? So what if you're 50? Don't marry someone because you are afraid to be alone. Since you've gone through 2 divorces, you surely know that it is far, far better to be alone than to be with someone that makes you feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
buterfly_1974 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 You deserve more. You are worth more. I hope one day you see that. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 wow, most marriages are entered by people who are completely devoted to each other (at the time) - and 50% of those end. what do you think your odds are when you're going into it knowing he loves another woman? Don't do that to yourself, you deserve to be loved completely - don't settle for a life of waiting to be dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 wow, most marriages are entered by people who are completely devoted to each other (at the time) - and 50% of those end. what do you think your odds are when you're going into it knowing he loves another woman?. I apologize if I'm about to hurt your feelings but you're heading right for divorce #3. Consider the wedding a pre-divorce party. You pick the wrong men. Simple as that. This marriage will not be a successful and happy one if he is still in love with someone. Your fiance has an other woman. Enough said. Link to post Share on other sites
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