he wants contact but I'm not sure

[colliefleur]

I was with a man for 7 years, helped him raise his son in my home from the age of 7 to 14. Having the boy in my house became more and more difficult, always feeling like there was covert hostility being directed at me as well as the direct lying, manipulating etc. The boy's mother is severely disabled so was never able to care for her son herself. Unfortunately she found it necessary to encourage the boy to speak negatively about me, "getting off" on it, the boy has told me.

 

Well, they moved out of my house just before Christmas so we could have a less stressful relationship, this was going to be the saving of the relationship. In February, we had an argument about of all things, the concept of marriage, and he walked. We were still getting used to the new living arrangements, it had all been difficult for both of us, the boy was okay because he basically wanted his father to himself so he got what he wanted. We did have some arguments, my ex has difficulty with any sort of negative emotion other than anger, which he seems to convert all the others to. So he walked and after a couple of weeks of trying to get him to change his mind, I decided to stop contact and move on.

 

I have worked really hard on myself, have found my spiritual self again, have been getting settled in myself and my own life, content almost with what is.

 

Anyway, at 4.30am last Monday he phoned me, which is a totally uncharacteristic thing for him to do as he is so controlled. He would control himself to the point of losing everything rather than appear weak. So this phone call was a bolt out of the blue. He said he had been wondering how I was and wanted to come over for coffee. He came over for coffee on Tues morning, I told him I wasn't going to be used as a resource for him to dip in and out of my life. I wondered if his discovery that his son is gay was the driving force to seek my comfort and advice. He said not but I questioned and still do that it was to see how I was going, unless that was triggered by guilt. I said it's dating at the least or nothing.

 

He came back that night and said it was all a big mistake, his emotions had been stirred up again, he was feeling anxious about the whole thing and I was trying to "box him in", so he decided to run out the door. However, he did stay and we ended up having sex, more for him than me because he has become depressed, feeling inadequate, stressed, etc. As he was leaving my bedroom he said he had a new HOmerism "sex good, relationship bad". Great parting shot!

 

So I told him I didn't know, part of me knew I could help him get through this rough patch, part of me wanted him back and part of me wanted to run like crazy. He said he'd ring me on Friday (yesterday) which he did. In the meantime I put a book and relaxation CD in his post office mail box as well as emailing him the phone number of a men's counselling line. I said if he helped himself I'd stay in contact. He said he wants contact, doesn't know why, can't offer me anything other than an ear and shoulder which I don't need as I have lots of friends. he has no one to talk to about all of this, hence the men's line.

 

My whole week was disrupted, I feel like I have a relapse in my healing, nothing I can't handle but I've told him to meditate and ask for guidance and c ome back to me on Friday and tell me why he wants contact. I'm not sure I want to be this man's friend after 7 years of being his lover.

 

Input would be appreciated.

[Midnite]

What a position to be in. That was thoughtful of you to send the CD, book, and list to him. You have set good boundary with that. There has been some discussion on here about the ebook, Stop Your Divorce, by Homer McDonald. I think the info in it might help you.

 

If you can handle the contact, make it Happy Talk. Small Talk. Those who feel "boxed in" have to have some sense of freedom, yet he's coming to you for advice. The book tells how to be alluring to them.

 

" I have worked really hard on myself, have found my spiritual self again"

 

You've done the best thing you can do for yourself. Stay with it.

 

Blessings..