Wondering if it's common for the MM come back AFTER they threw you under a bus...

[jj33]

Only to start up the A again.

 

Maybe they haven't met anyone as cute as you are, and want to have a little fun... and the xMM is hoping that your self esteem is still in the toilet, and that you will have some pity sex with him.

 

Some MM are so egotistical and self centered...

 

Seriously... why on earth would you take him back if he threw you under the bus??!!!

 

Im not sure its all so nefarious. Sometimes MM really do care for and miss the OW they are just so unbelievably selfish that they think everyone's worlds revolves around them and they should continue with the triangle because it suits the MM. I cant imgaine many MM go back to someone they have little feelings for. Its just too easy to find someone new. A serial cheater has no problem finding new prey

[Severely Unamused]

My fWH tried that for a while. I immediately threw him out (AGAIN!) when I discovered additional contact and told him to go get her.

 

I gave him carte blanche to be with his soulmate. I refused to be his default choice, ever.

 

Doubt he ever told her that. How sad for her. I truly mean that.

 

Trust is such a tenuous thing isn't it? You give somebody your trust and they break it. You offer them another olive branch and they break it again!

 

One xMM would make an interesting story for this thread, I think. He wasn't a narcissist or anything like that. Just weak minded. He didn't know why he was having an affair and would occasionally sing his wife's praises (to assuage his own guilt?). If I had his best interests at heart I would've gone NC and let him focus on his wife. But I didn't.

 

There was 1 d-day. His wife told me that they were going to work on the marriage, and for me to never see him again. xMM also phoned to say the same. In 2 months, we rekindled our affair. It became clear that he had a compulsive need to be with me. He was addicted to me. There was no indication that his wife ever found out about our continued contact.

 

This was in my youth, when I was at the height of my egocentrism. In restrospect, I find my past indifference to the BW, and to my xMM's inner-suffering to be quite disturbing.

 

^ My point is this Spark: As a current BW I find this story to be paranoia fuel. The idea that I could take my husband back, work through all our problems to the best of our abilities, and get our marriage back on track. At the same time, he would still be seeing his mOW. I would never ever know.

Edited September 8, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Tired.

[Gentlegirl]

GG, your post speaks volumes to all that is wrong when a BS buys into the gaslighting, (and why shouldn't she? She has loved and trusted him for a long time) and the status quo is quickly returned to normal.

 

NOTHING HAS FORCED THE CHEATER TO CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR.

 

Often, after DDAY, the WS is gripped with fear for being caught, not for having done anything wrong. There are no consequences.

 

So he goes home, drops contact with the AP, appeases or gaslights the BS, lays low until he is confident she is convinced of his bs story, the status quo returns, he won't lose all.....

 

and then he grows bored and contacts the AP to see if she is still available to provide the thrill in his life he is not willing to provide for his own marriage.

 

He will tell her anything and everything to get back the thrill. He will look her up on social networking sites to fantasize about the thrill he once had.

 

Does he truly care about the OW's feelings? Of course not. He cares about the way she made HIM feel, not the feelings of the woman.

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish....and cowardly too, IMO.

 

You want a better, happier life? You have to make it happen for you and stop USING people and toying with their emotions to get your rush of adrenaline and testosterone!

 

Post pictures of you and a new man on these sites.

 

It is time for a real smackdown. Do it.

 

I posted on the dating website exactly what you suggested. I posted a pic of me , in my home, which xMM knew well.

 

I was sitting on the lounge with a glass of wine in my hand... there was another glass on the table nearby. The bottle of wine was there also. My shoes were were on the floor and the dog was on my lap.There were unfamiliar keys on the table.

 

It was a photo my daughter took while she stayed with me one night. It looked like I was with somebody , so I posted it on the dating website.

 

 

The day after, he deleted his account....who knows why?????

 

 

 

At least he has stopped viewing my profile.

 

Gentlegirl

 

ps I do have a real new man

[thomasb]

As a MM, I never wanted contact with her again. After I told her it was done and confessed to my wife I only wanted to do the work to heal my wife. The OW, however had other ideas and went on a psycho rampage. Took a restaining oder to get her to leave us alone.

[Spark1111]

Trust is such a tenuous thing isn't it? You give somebody your trust and they break it. You offer them another olive branch and they break it again!

 

One xMM would make an interesting story for this thread, I think. He wasn't a narcissist or anything like that. Just weak minded. He didn't know why he was having an affair and would occasionally sing his wife's praises (to assuage his own guilt?). If I had his best interests at heart I would've gone NC and let him focus on his wife. But I didn't.

 

There was 1 d-day. His wife told me that they were going to work on the marriage, and for me to never see him again. xMM also phoned to say the same. In 2 months, we rekindled our affair. It became clear that he had a compulsive need to be with me. He was addicted to me. There was no indication that his wife ever found out about our continued contact.

 

This was in my youth, when I was at the height of my egocentrism. In restrospect, I find my past indifference to the BW, and to my xMM's inner-suffering to be quite disturbing.

 

^ My point is this Spark: As a current BW I find this story to be paranoia fuel. The idea that I could take my husband back, work through all our problems to the best of our abilities, and get our marriage back on track. At the same time, he would still be seeing his mOW. I would never ever know.

 

I think you would SA. Once you know and trust your intuition it comes back like a laser blast.

 

Anytime he or she contacted each other during those crazy, emotional after DDAY months, (and remember, he was NOT living with me)....I just knew.

 

His whole demeanor changed from sorry and remorseful to distant, angry and somewhat arrogant....just like she was, although I wouldn't know that for two years until I called her when she blatantly broke NC to sniff if he was still interested. He told me immediately.

 

His personna changed to be the man he had been for her during the affair. Which means, he had to disdain me.

 

I just knew, checked his cell phone, and yep, there she was wanting to know how reconciliation was going, poor baby. WHAT reconciliation??? I was still mad as a hatter....and was he still meeting with unwavering hostility? BAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

You bet he was. For a very long time.

[Spark1111]

I posted on the dating website exactly what you suggested. I posted a pic of me , in my home, which xMM knew well.

 

I was sitting on the lounge with a glass of wine in my hand... there was another glass on the table nearby. The bottle of wine was there also. My shoes were were on the floor and the dog was on my lap.There were unfamiliar keys on the table.

 

It was a photo my daughter took while she stayed with me one night. It looked like I was with somebody , so I posted it on the dating website.

 

 

The day after, he deleted his account....who knows why?????

 

 

 

At least he has stopped viewing my profile.

 

Gentlegirl

 

ps I do have a real new man

 

Good for you! See? When he surmised you were no longer available, all those fantasies went....pfffffft.

 

And good luck with your new man! He better treat you right.

[Severely Unamused]

I think you would SA. Once you know and trust your intuition it comes back like a laser blast.

 

You think so? My "womanly intuition" failed miserably the first time around. And I spent nearly 8 years of my life around MMs, so you think that I would've caught on.

 

At least the level of trust I had around xMMs was always clear to me from the start. This time, not so much

 

Actually, thinking about my husband's situation, I wonder who threw who under a bus. Or if there was any throwing at all.

Edited September 8, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[fooled once]

He may not be egotistical and self-centered. He may just be addicted to the way she made him feel about himself. Her sweet adoring eyes boosting his ego.

 

But be careful: That doesn't necessarily mean he is addicted to the woman! Even though he is saying all the right romantic words! He will SAY ANYTHING to have that feeling again.

 

If there is anything I know of men, they WILL move mountains to claim you for their own!

 

Why? They can't fathom another man claiming you for his own. Men are very primal and territorial when they want a woman. Cannot share! Will not risk losing you to another man. Want to wrap you up with a bow as soon as they can.

 

Actions, actions, actions, are all that one should assess in a man!

 

Raise your degree of difficulty! Have and make demands on them. Don't be so nice, accommodating, submissive to their wants and desires all the time. Men are not women. Stop thinking that. Get angry and tell him directly how he is failing you.

 

Have your own wants and desires. Enforce your boundaries. Set your timeline, your line drawn in the sand and then make sure you enforce it.

 

He respects that more. Start thinking like a man thinks. Get tough. Get independent. Become a diva.

 

Stop making it all about him; his feelings, his failing marriage, his unhappiness. He will relish all your attention and sympathy. He will love and rely upon it, but after awhile he will not respect you.

 

I have many older brothers. I know how they think. They like the sweet, kind girl. But they chased the independent, strong, maybe I can never have her woman.

 

Be that woman.

 

Spark, this was one of the most awesome posts I have ever read on LS. Thank you!

 

 

I posted on the dating website exactly what you suggested. I posted a pic of me , in my home, which xMM knew well.

 

I was sitting on the lounge with a glass of wine in my hand... there was another glass on the table nearby. The bottle of wine was there also. My shoes were were on the floor and the dog was on my lap.There were unfamiliar keys on the table.

 

It was a photo my daughter took while she stayed with me one night. It looked like I was with somebody , so I posted it on the dating website.

 

The day after, he deleted his account....who knows why?????

 

At least he has stopped viewing my profile.

 

Gentlegirl

 

ps I do have a real new man

 

Gentle, first bold = WOO HOO What a great thing for you!!! Great idea to post that picture! I am so glad you got some excellent advice from Spark!

 

Second bold - yay!!! that's great news. I hope this new man is special enough to have you in his life. Know why? Cause YOU deserve someone special! Enjoy!!

[mzdolphin]

I've been really reading a lot of the threads on LS and it seems like MM/MW always seem to come back when the OW/OM are the ones that found the strength to walk away and end the affair themselves.

 

It is a much rarer occurance that the MM/MW comes back after they have thrown the AP under a bus and attempted reconciliation with the BS. So I was wondering if people have had experience with it?

 

It seems like a lot of people hold out hope that the MM/MW will realise they made a mistake and come back to the AP and D their spouse. The fabled 'second chance'... but realistically how often does the MM/MW come back when THEY make the decision and NOT because the BS decided to push for a D?

 

In general I think 75% of divorces are initiated by women. I was cheated on and if I had not filed for divorced we'd still be married. The MM I was involved in came back after I told his wife, after I broke it off and we would still be seeing each other if I hadn't ended it. I think he will stay married until his wife gets fed up. His first marriage ended when his wife left with the kids. He claims she just wasn't happy, they had different goals. I suspect he was cheating with the current wife (they were co workers and their marriages dissolved around the same time. hmmmm).

[mzdolphin]

You think so? My "womanly intuition" failed miserably the first time around. And I spent nearly 8 years of my life around MMs, so you think that I would've caught on.

 

At least the level of trust I had around xMMs was always clear to me from the start. This time, not so much

 

Actually, thinking about my husband's situation, I wonder who threw who under a bus. Or if there was any throwing at all.

 

I don't know why women are afraid to check phone use. I mean one day just ask to see the cell phone. The guy who was seeing me had a cell phone and called me from all the time. Had my name in the phone. Emailed all the time. I'm sure his wife had to work on reconciliation. Remember I told her about the affair. He still came back. We continued the affair some months after before I ended it again. The reason I went NC a week ago because his friendly emails were turning into "I know I love you. I can't stop thinking about you. I can go for weeks without having sex with my wife and I don't miss it. I think about making love to you all the time. I searched my emotions and I know I must love you. I wish I had made a better choice years ago. . . blah blah blah.

 

When I found myself getting the warm fuzzies, I thought, DANGER. That is why I ended all contact.

[Severely Unamused]

I don't know why women are afraid to check phone use. I mean one day just ask to see the cell phone. The guy who was seeing me had a cell phone and called me from all the time. Had my name in the phone. Emailed all the time. I'm sure his wife had to work on reconciliation. Remember I told her about the affair. He still came back. We continued the affair some months after before I ended it again. The reason I went NC a week ago because his friendly emails were turning into "I know I love you. I can't stop thinking about you. I can go for weeks without having sex with my wife and I don't miss it. I think about making love to you all the time. I searched my emotions and I know I must love you. I wish I had made a better choice years ago. . . blah blah blah.

 

When I found myself getting the warm fuzzies, I thought, DANGER. That is why I ended all contact.

 

That's a good point.

 

No doubt that there are plenty of MMs that are...careless.

 

The more knowledgeable MMs will use a second phone. Delete any email or phone messages. Communicate entirely through word of mouth. Things that are untraceable, or only traceable with a bit of rummaging around through techniques that the layman has no knowledge of.

 

^ For the BWs of these "knowledgeable" MMs, it can be a pain in the ass to actually catch them (if the BW is looking) the first time around. To catch them the second time (when the MM has learnt from his mistakes) is even harder. It begets the question: Is it worth the effort?

 

"Womanly intuition" can only get you so far.

 

As a MM, I never wanted contact with her again. After I told her it was done and confessed to my wife I only wanted to do the work to heal my wife.

That warms my pessimistic heart. Edited September 9, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Oops.

[Silly_Girl]

That's a good point.

 

No doubt that there are plenty of MMs that are...careless.

 

The more knowledgeable MMs will use a second phone. Delete any email or phone messages. Communicate entirely through word of mouth. Things that are untraceable, or only traceable with a bit of rummaging around through techniques that the layman has no knowledge of.

 

^ For the BWs of these "knowledgeable" MMs, it can be a pain in the ass to actually catch them (if the BW is looking) the first time around. To catch them the second time (when the MM has learnt from his mistakes) is even harder. It begets the question: Is it worth the effort?

 

"Womanly intuition" can only get you so far.

 

That warms my pessimistic heart.

 

My ex had 2 phones for a while, the dog was well exercised! He had several emails and at the height of the split he started a new FB profile (whilst attempting to 'win me back') and thought I wouldn't realise. He was a f***wit when he got all lathered up. He claimed he never managed to get away with anything but a) I'll never know, b) he did get away with it because we split up and reconciled many times. Shocked him something chronic when he realised I'd hopped off the roundabout when he wasn't looking.

Edited September 9, 2011 by Silly_Girl

[Severely Unamused]

My ex had 2 phones for a while, the dog was well exercised! He had several emails and at the height of the split he started a new FB profile (whilst attempting to 'win me back') and thought I wouldn't realise. He was a f***wit when he got all lathered up. He claimed he never managed to get away with anything but a) I'll never know, b) he did get away with it because we split up and reconciled many times. Shocked him something chronic when he realised I'd hopped off the roundabout when he wasn't looking.

 

Yes.

 

There are plenty of relationships that are unsalvageable due to a repeatedly dishonest WS. As a BW, you either tell your WH to FO, or learn to tolerate his behaviour.

 

Weird thing is that there are MMs that are dishonest for the sake of being dishonest. An xMM's wife once called me up and told me that her husband had been doing this for years and that she didn't care. Yet this man would still lie to both me and her all the time.

 

He was nuttier than squirrel poo.

[mzdolphin]

Yes.

 

There are plenty of relationships that are unsalvageable due to a repeatedly dishonest WS. As a BW, you either tell your WH to FO, or learn to tolerate his behaviour.

 

Weird thing is that there are MMs that are dishonest for the sake of being dishonest. An xMM's wife once called me up and told me that her husband had been doing this for years and that she didn't care. Yet this man would still lie to both me and her all the time.

 

He was nuttier than squirrel poo.

 

 

Wow, how sad for her. I hear all the time folks rationalizing this. Even with Hillary Clinton, etc. "Well she's still the wife." I just couldn't live with knowing my husband was out there screwing around, even if it was just about sex. I could forgive a guy messing up, but not messing around.

[wannabdone]

Wow, how sad for her. I hear all the time folks rationalizing this. Even with Hillary Clinton, etc. "Well she's still the wife." I just couldn't live with knowing my husband was out there screwing around, even if it was just about sex. I could forgive a guy messing up, but not messing around.

 

MZ.... totally agree with you. And by the way.... where have you been??? I haven't seen you on here lately. Actually yesterday was starting to worry about you.

 

But, back to the thread.... I couldn't handle it either. But I say that and I did handle the lies of my xMM for years and tolerated his constant lines of bs, just in hopes he would someday do it. Maybe his W feels the same. I guess if you have a dude who seems so wonderful as my xMM does and has a natural gift of making people believe in him and when he turns on the charm, makes you feel like a queen... you will tolerate it. I can't imagine. I've always thought how my xMM's W, could stand knowing that 1/2 of their 20 year marriage he has been doing the nasty with another woman. How in Gods green earth that doesn't eat at her daily. I always justified my end b/c I knew he was M when we started this. So, it made it different. And a part of me hung on for so long, because I thought at some point that she would finally give up and get tired of his ways. But NOPE that never happened. And it is mind boggling to me. Maybe she enjoys her life style, not working, nice house, stay at home with her kids, maybe the amount of kids they have makes her feel like she is stuck, maybe her religious views and worry of that she won't look as perfect as she has tried to look her entire life. I dunno.... its the damnest thing.

[Spark1111]

MZ.... totally agree with you. And by the way.... where have you been??? I haven't seen you on here lately. Actually yesterday was starting to worry about you.

 

But, back to the thread.... I couldn't handle it either. But I say that and I did handle the lies of my xMM for years and tolerated his constant lines of bs, just in hopes he would someday do it. Maybe his W feels the same. I guess if you have a dude who seems so wonderful as my xMM does and has a natural gift of making people believe in him and when he turns on the charm, makes you feel like a queen... you will tolerate it. I can't imagine. I've always thought how my xMM's W, could stand knowing that 1/2 of their 20 year marriage he has been doing the nasty with another woman. How in Gods green earth that doesn't eat at her daily. I always justified my end b/c I knew he was M when we started this. So, it made it different. And a part of me hung on for so long, because I thought at some point that she would finally give up and get tired of his ways. But NOPE that never happened. And it is mind boggling to me. Maybe she enjoys her life style, not working, nice house, stay at home with her kids, maybe the amount of kids they have makes her feel like she is stuck, maybe her religious views and worry of that she won't look as perfect as she has tried to look her entire life. I dunno.... its the damnest thing.

 

In some religions, divorce is just not done, period.

 

Or she may be a woman who does not like or care about sex. He may be a good provider, good father, kind to her. Many marriages and cultures have a don't ask, don't tell policy regarding husband philandering.

 

Many marriages ARE OR BECOME a contractual partnership in maintaining the status quo.

 

They are not about love, passion, romance or intimacy.

[Severely Unamused]

Wow, how sad for her. I hear all the time folks rationalizing this. Even with Hillary Clinton, etc. "Well she's still the wife." I just couldn't live with knowing my husband was out there screwing around, even if it was just about sex. I could forgive a guy messing up, but not messing around.

 

She didn't want his fidelity. Actually, I don't think she really liked him.

 

I can't blame her.

[Summer Breeze]

In some religions, divorce is just not done, period.

 

Or she may be a woman who does not like or care about sex. He may be a good provider, good father, kind to her. Many marriages and cultures have a don't ask, don't tell policy regarding husband philandering.

 

Many marriages ARE OR BECOME a contractual partnership in maintaining the status quo.

 

They are not about love, passion, romance or intimacy.

 

Absolutely and it's my firm belief that's why so many people, BS or WS, stay in bad Ms until they move from being a victim to being a volunteer and tire of it.

 

Everyone talks about moving mountains to be with someone. When you're in your 50s and retirement is looming, or there's an illness, or an ongoing feeling left over from the 1950s of keeping up perceptions you won't move any mountains because these are real concerns and things that affect you tremendously. I don't get it myself but I saw my xMM go through all of those things and how torn he was between what he should do and what he wanted to do. So he did part of both and caused some huge hurt to his W and when I got tired of the fence sitting I caused some huge hurt to him.

[wannabdone]

In some religions, divorce is just not done, period.

 

Or she may be a woman who does not like or care about sex. He may be a good provider, good father, kind to her. Many marriages and cultures have a don't ask, don't tell policy regarding husband philandering.

 

Many marriages ARE OR BECOME a contractual partnership in maintaining the status quo.

 

They are not about love, passion, romance or intimacy.

 

 

Agreed. And that is very much the case with this one. Not so much with the religious aspect, as they are christian and the bible says divorce is granted upon cheating. But she very much likes her life style, he is kind to her, and good father and good provider. And she very much is concerned with looking as if she has it all. She would never get a divorce as that would tarnish their fantasy world that they have built, and quite frankly, she would look like she had made a mistake.

 

The one thing i've never understood tho, is that through all of this..... this woman seems to spend her life and time trying to figure out if he is cheating. Constantly searching phone records, driving by his work, calling co workers to see if he is there and what time he left, checking his emails, voicemails, putting spy ware on his phone to read his text.... and that is just a little bit of what she does. I've often wondered if she doesn't like the drama, the chase, and finding out. Because what happens when she does find out???? He kisses her ass for a couple of weeks. Its a sick game. I know we are not to W bash, and I know that this man has driven this woman much more insane that she already was. Hell, I don't live with him and have children with him and he has driven me insane. But, I have never understood if she is apparently going to stay, why even try to know. Just live your life as the stupid spouse you are. There is sometimes beauty in ignorance. Why want to know? Why waste your time doing all of these things, if the outcome is you are going to stay. Shouldn't it be clear by now, he isn't going to stop???? I mean 10 years of their 20 year marriage. So, just blindly go through life. You already know he's a cheater and a liar. So, what good does it do to waste your time chasing him??????!!!!!!!! I've never understood that. But, hell.... I have never understood her at all. I know she hates, me and has every right. It doesn't matter how much I apologize to her, she will. And I get it. But, she has basically stalked me to a point that I have had to get an attorney involved and threatened if she does anything else, I will file harrassment charges on her and a VPO. I mean its out of hand. Her life is filled with nothing more than chasing this man to find out if he seeing me and following me to understand who I am and what I do. I just don't get it at all.

[mzdolphin]

MZ.... totally agree with you. And by the way.... where have you been??? I haven't seen you on here lately. Actually yesterday was starting to worry about you.

 

>>>>>

 

I'm fine. Just keeping myself busy. Funny, although I don't feel like I wasted much time in communicating with exMM. I do now realize how much energy went into even maintaining email contact. Energy better spent focused on me and my son.