Family in turmoil

[LaraStarr]

I am having a really hard time with my marriage, and would like some advice. For the last year, my husband and I have fought on a daily basis. We almost always fight about the kids. <They are mine from a previous marriage>

 

My main problem is that he is not able to control his anger when he gets mad at them. He doesn't hit them, just scares them. His reaction to one of them holding open the fridge door while looking for the butter is exactly the same as if they had just killed the neighbors dog. He does not speak to them in any other way than a very demanding and cruel way. He has good intentions most of the time <like when our 12 year old put a red pen in his shorts pocket, my husband said very loudly "Get that damn pen out of your pocket now." I know now <because we fought about it> that he just didn't want him to get ink on his shorts., why couldn't he just say "Mike don't put it in your pocket, your going get ink on your shorts." Two things that really stand out are him going into my daughters room throwing the door open with all his force, and it hitting my daughters best friend in the head........all because the girls were giggling. And last night.........My son had the fridge door open, I told him to look for the butter, and he screamed CLOSE THE DOOR, when I said leave him alone he is looking for the butter , he got up and threw something so hard it almost hit mikey in the head. Scared me so much. Both kids were standing there, in the kitchen, both left shaking and in tears. My daughter wet her pants. <Not at all normal for her> So many more instances I can think of, all could have been potentially very very bad, and none of them on accident.

 

He makes faces to himself every time they walk in the door, and nothing they ever do seems right. He always seems to be looking for what they are doing wrong. I know he feels resentment to them because they are not his, and he cannot have children with me <I am fixed> I can't even remember the last time he said something, anything, positive to one of them. He is very critical about my sons eating habits, sometimes he eats to fast, or even too much. I can tell he feels very bad and embarrassed when he comments to him about it. I am afraid mikey will develop and eating disorder because of this. <He is 12, 5'2 and weighs 118 pounds, a little heavy, but not fat at all>

 

I have asked him on many many occasions to please, please just say something positive once in a while. I don't know if he has too much pride, or what it is, but he refuses to try to be nicer. It even got to the point that I was planning on leaving him last December. I got the apt. new furniture, everything was settled. When I told him about it, we talked and decided to work it out. He promised he would be better, more family nights, and get counseling. All was well for a couple of months. Seems like exactly the same month that my early buy out on the apt. lease was over....so was his change. I pray this wasn't intentional, it just seemed that way.

 

I Do believe he love the kids, we have been together for 90% of their lives. He gets chocked up, even tears at awards ceremonies and such. If one of them truly needs something, he would always be there for them, do whatever it takes. He didn't used to be this mean. Sometimes I feel like he wants us to be miserable with him.

 

I know he is stressed, he hates his job, has hated every job. But I am so tired of living every day in such turmoil. I don't like fighting everyday. I hate feeling like I am in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me, or want to be with me. Most of all, I feel like a horrible mother for not sticking up for them enough to have left the first time.

 

Long story short...I know I am not perfect........in fact I take responsibility too. We fight like crazy, and in front of the kids. Last nights fight left me both kids crying, my daughter <11> even wet her pants. He stormed out the door, and we both threw our dinner plates, full of food in the sink. We have sex maybe once a month...at best, and its been well over a month since the last time. I feel nothing but coldness from him when he looks into my eyes. When it gets so bad...that I just want to walk out...........I talk, he cries, and then we are good a day, and start all over the very next. Its a horrible cycle, and I don't know what to do. Do I break it now? Just end it before it gets worse??? I am just scared. I am scared what will happen if we stay together, and scared what will happen if we don't. He will admit he needs help....he just refuses to go and get it. There isn't a day that goes by this past few months that I have not said to myself once "that's it, I am done"........and meant it...every time.

 

How can I make this better????? How do I know if it is just truly a relationship that should end, or a relationship that can be fixed???

[moimeme]

There are NO excuses for this behaviour. Your children are already scarred by having lived with him this long. Leave him, take them, and don't look back. Call your local domestic violence shelter and get advice on how to get out. Abuse is not only the physical sort.

[LILUIL]

It can be fixed i feel if he commits to cooperating and be consistent about it. We cant change anyone, but people can change if they WANT to.

 

If he doesnt, you have to think of your well being and your kids. Trust your heart.

 

I feel sorry for your kids and you are a very loving mom, but to have them growing up with fear of this man is not healthy. You try to understand his stress with work and bla bla bla but I'll agree with moimeme in saying it's no excuse for his behavior. Dont let him even suggest that it's a reason. It's unacceptable.

 

You brought this man into the lives of your kids in hope he will take the father figure role and be someone they can respect and love and look up to, but it sounds like he's not really grasping that role and something needs to be done bout that.

 

Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest to make but its the one that will clear our conscience at the end of the day.

[sportsloving]

Let me just tell you a little story ok?

 

A single mom is raising three kids by herself. She meets the "perfect man" and they soon live together (never in marriage but still 20+ years).

 

He comes home from work, he surveys the entire yard, garage and house before he says hi to anyone. He slams cabinets, hits doors, and basically makes life like living on egg shells for anyone around. God forbid he find anything wrong with the fence, garage or house or there is hell to pay.

 

Never says way to go, never says nice job, demands much more than should be expected out of little people, but when they do something he dislikes, he is the first to yell, rant and scream (sometimes hit if you don't move fast enough).

 

It is hell, pure and simple. He can't express himself, leaves him frustrated and it takes a toll on the kids. If you don't believe me, ask my two brothers. It is hell.

 

 

My suggestion? Leave, run, walk, hop a plane. He can only change if he wants to, and the more you accept his behavior, the worse it gets. After 20 some years my mom had to say enough from a hospital bed (she was in for complications stemming from cancer, her heart stopping 54 times in a week, and he was whining about a ding in the front door). Sometimes you and your kids just have to come first.

 

stand up and walk out the door